;0

Hey, look over there!

2008-04-02T04:05:00.002-04:00

If you want.

Or, just get back to work.

2006-02-17T13:04:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, you guys want to hear something totally strange?

What happened, Leah?

Okay, well you know how my boyfriend was like, did you get my flowers, and I was like, no, and he was like, oh my god they got lost, and then I was like, oh! I found them, they went to the wrong person?

Oh, "went" to the wrong person. That's a nice way to say somebody actually took your flowers. I still can't believe that.

Alana, I don't think MG did it on purpose. She said they were just on her desk when she got there. Anyway, so I told my boyfriend that I found his flowers and he was like, oh, really? Great! He sounded really, really surprised! I guess that's because if you send flowers and they, like, disappear, you don't expect that they're going to turn up.

Yeah.

So, anyway, I was like, I totally found it, but I wasn't even sure what kind it was! And so I asked him, I said, "So, what kind of flower do you call that?" And he was like, uh, roses? And then I was like, the flowers must have gotten really mixed up, because I don't know what this is, but it's not a rose! And he was like, uh, it's not?

Oh, you know men. They can't tell the difference between flowers. It doesn't mean anything. I mean, it's not like he would just lie about sending you flowers, right?

Right! Of course not.

2006-02-16T13:02:00.000-05:00

Hey, you okay, MG? You look more bummed out than usual.

Hi, Jay. Yeah. I just...

Just what?

Something just doesn't add up.

What's that?

Leah's boyfriend is always sending her crap at the office, right?

Yeah. He used to. I haven't seen much lately, but yeah.

And it's always stuff that you can't miss, right? Like that huge red teddy bear, and the balloon bouquet, and that damned frog that sang every time someone walked past?

Yeah. True, hard to miss.

And then she always reads the gross, mushy card out loud to everyone who gets within earshot for three days, right?

That's for sure.

So, how come on Valentine's day, he suddenly sends her something that's actually tasteful, with no card?

Hm. Good point. Maybe he changed?

Uh, Jay?

Yeah, yeah. You're right. Huh. That is strange. What do you think it means?

I don't know. But I do know that someone who doesn't even know what an orchid is shouldn't be getting them for Valentine's day.

2006-02-15T14:14:00.000-05:00

Hey, MG!

Oh, hi, Roger.

You know what your office could really use?

An electric fence across the door.

No! I was thinking.... hey, that would be awesome, though! It would be like, zap! Zap! Zap! When people tried to come in. Zap!

Heh. Yeah. That's what I was thinking.

Zap! Zap! Hey, you're not all hummy anymore.

No. I'm not. Roger, did you want something?

Zap! Zip zap! Hm, I think I did, but I forgot what. Zap! Zzzzzap!

2006-02-15T11:42:00.000-05:00

MG, I heard you suddenly got some flowers and you don't know who they're from?

Oh. Hi, Leah. Uh, kind of.

Oh my god, I totally know what happened.

Yeah?

Oh my god! Yes! This totally makes sense now. Last night, when I was out with my girls, my boyfriend sent me a text message, and he was like "Hey, Valentine, did you get the flowers?"
And I was like, Oh my god! because I didn't get any flowers, and I totally was freaking out because I thought he forgot. And so I texted him back, like, "Oh my god, I didn't get your flowers, I thought you forgot!" And he texted back, "That is SO strange because I totally sent you flowers at the office." Then I was like, oh my god, what is going on here? Flowers don't just disappear! And so we were talking about it, the girls and me, and we were like, they must have gone someplace else by accident! And then Alana was like, 'Oh, maybe that's why MG got flowers.' And we were all like, yeah, that would totally make sense.

Huh. Did, did he say what kind of flowers he sent?

No, he just said he sent flowers and he couldn't believe they didn't get here. He sounded totally surprised that they never got here. I am so relieved we figured this all out. So you don't mind if I just take my flower. What is that, anyway?

It's an orchid.

Oh. Whatever. It'll look nice on my desk. And it will remind me of my boyfriend the whole time.

Huh. Hold on, Leah, why was your boyfriend texting you on Valentine's day? Didn't you guys want to go out or anything?

Oh, he had to spend it with his wife. Ex-wife. Wife. Whatever.

2006-02-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, wait, MG, I know that one!

That one, what, Roger?

That song! What is it? Wait, don't tell me!

What song?

The song you're humming!

I'm not humming a song.

Yes you are! You've been humming all day!

I have not. I don't hum.

Yes you are! You do! You were!

Roger, I don't. Hm. Was I? I might have been!

What is it? Mmmm mmm mmm MMMmmm...

I don't think I was humming that. If I was humming at all.

No, I know it. It's like mmm mmm MMM mmm MMMM mmm!

I don't know. I don't really think I was humming.

Well, what's that supposed to be, then?

Oh, this? Oh! I didn't even realize I was doing that. Just doodling, I guess.

Are you okay, MG? You seem all, kind of, gooey.

I'm good, Roger. Really good, actually.

Huh. Weird.

2006-02-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

Vinnie, I'm sorry I was such a grouch yesterday.

That's okay, my little valentine. I know how it is. Cold wet feet, cold wet heart.

But then you were so sweet! You didn't have to do that!

Do what?

The little orchid! I love it! You shouldn't have, though.

Shouldn't have? I didn't. What orchid?

That... wasn't you?

Oh my god! Someone sent you a Valentine's day orchid? What kind? What class!

Come on, Vin, I know it was you. The delicate little single living kind in a little pot. As you know.

Sweetie, I think you're swell. But if I were going to spend that much on you, I'd take us both out to lunch. Or for facials. We both do have a little bit of a flakiness issue. You a teensy tiny bit moreso, because I am religious with the Khiels.

Wait, really? It wasn't you? This has gay man written all over it. In the best possible way, but the only other person who would do something like this is, like, my mom. And I just saw her this weekend. She gave me a mini heart-shaped box of chocolates and a disappointed sigh. I don't think she would send a fancy flower.

Well, well, well! Then I'd say it looks like somebody has a secret admirer!

No, I, no. Couldn't be. Who would it be?

I don't know! That's why it's a secret admirer! Who do you think it is?

I, nah. No idea. Maybe... no. It must be a departmental thing. Maybe all the women got them.

Hm, for your excellent job performance.

Huh. Yeah, you're right. But, who could it be, then? This is weird.

2006-02-13T09:25:00.000-05:00

Snowy good morning to you, from one snowy snow princess to another!

Ugh, Vin.

Snow princesses don't say ugh, snow princess. What part of this wondrous winter wonderland are you not loving?

Are you kidding? Start with my shoes. They're soaked and ruined.

Shoes? You don't wear shoes into your blizzard kingdom! You wear snow princess boots.

Knock it off, Vin. I spent the weekend at my parents place and I didn't realized I'd be coming back this morning into this, uh, wondrous winter-- what was it?

Wonderland!

Yeah. Not so wonderful for suede pumps. I got them in a misguided effort to look more professional, and now they're soaked through and my feet are probably rotting and frostbitten at the same time and I'm going to wear ugly, warm waterproof shoes every day until May and I don't care if Leah thinks I'm a dyke.

Whoa, easy, ice-a-rella! Those shoes are history, but in the future, you know there's this magical spray you can use to waterproof your shoes, and bags, and gloves, and everything! It's amazing.

That's the worst part. I bought a can of it when I got the shoes, but I never got around to spraying them.

Well, that's true. They don't spray themselves, do they?

Nope. And this coffee I spilled on myself isn't going to remove itself, either.

Coffee, too? Quite a morning for you!

That's my point.

Well, do you want to go out at lunch and make snowballs in the park?

No.

2006-02-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

MG, I need to get to my Katrina stuff.

What's that, Joanie?

I know, I know, it's really bad, but I donated this really cute top? And I have a date with my fiance tonight - isn't it cute how he still asks me out on 'dates,' even though we're engaged? And I was thinking the perfect top would be one of the ones I donated.

Um.

At the time, I was like, 'Maybe a little black beaded number would be just the thing to cheer up a hurricane refugee!' But now it's like a hundred years later and a lot of people still don't have houses? So they're probably not really going out to clubs and bars and having dates, either. So I was thinking I'd just take my top back. Do you know which bag was mine?

No. That's the pile, though. Dig on in.

Thanks, MG. By the way, Alana said you were totally supposed to be responsible for distributing all that stuff. When's it going to go to the people who really need it?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Oh! That reminds me. Do you think it would be bad if I took back my velvet pants, too?

2006-02-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

MG! This is awesome!

What is, Roger?

Joanne just gave me a whole carton of toilet paper! Want some?

No?

Okay. Your loss.

Wait, what? Why did she do that?

I don't know. She was carrying the box around and, like, whistling, and said out with the old, in with the new!

Hm.

She asked if I wanted it. She said she was donating the old toilet paper to the guys, because dudes have tough tushes, or something.

What? Joanne said to you, "Dudes have tough tushes?"

I don't know. Something like that. But I was so psyched to get a whole box of TP, I was just like, "Yes! Score!"

Huh. Are you going to take it home to use it, or what?

Are you kidding? All this? I'm going to wallpaper my office with it! You wanna help?

No.

2006-02-01T15:01:00.000-05:00

Hey, Jay?

Yeah, MG?

Would you say there's anything different about me?

Um...

Don't worry. This isn't one of those trick girl questions.

Well...

Okay, it sort of is. The question is, would you say that my halo shines bright?

What?

My halo shines bright. Would you say that I have a halo, and it's shining bright?

Uh, everything okay, MG?

Yeah. Everything's great. I just got trapped on the phone for 20 minutes by a salesman who somehow got the idea that something about my position here made me an ideal person to pitch his stuff to. He was like one of those toy dinosaurs that runs into a wall and keeps trying to walk forward until the batteries die down.

Yeah?

Yeah! I kept saying, "Look, I don't really have any control over those decisions, I'm not really in a position to help you, that's not my department..." finally I said I'd give him the number of someone who might actually have some relevance. And I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic or clueless, that's when he said, "You're a real angel. Your halo shines bright."

That's just weird.

Yeah. Not to mention grammatically bizarre. Definitely the first time I've heard that one, though, even if he was being sarcastic.

2006-01-31T17:47:00.000-05:00

To: "the Ladies!"
From: Joanne
Subject: New "initiative!!"

Ladies! Since the success of the "soap campaign" was so super, I came up with a new idea!
We're all signed up for our own "soap month's," you can see me if you need a reminder. (And don't worry, I'll be sure to send around reminders before your month comes, too.)

So, what's our next project? I'm calling it "project cushy tush!" Wouldn't it be great if instead of the scratchy office paper, we had cushiony soft toilet paper. So I propose that we all take turns bringing in packages of quilted TP! Reply to this to sign up for your assigned week. If there are any questions about exceptable brands eccetera, just give me a jingle!

Our ladies' room is going to be the nicest one in the city, soon! If it gets any comfier in there, they'll just have to pull us out!! Hahaha.

"happy tinkling!"
Joanne
pod 17-32

2006-01-30T14:35:00.000-05:00

So, ladies, where is it going to be?

Joanie, I asked my boyfriend, I asked him, "Where do you want to go?" and he was like, "Leah, you know where I want to go. Where I always want to go when you drag me to midtown for lunch."
So, I was like, oh, god, not again, but he was like--

Wait, Leah, where's that?

You know, Hooters. He always wants to go to Hooters.

Hooters? Seriously, Leah? Do you let him?

Sometimes. If I'm in the mood for wings.

But, Leah, that's like, it's practically a strip club!

Oh, please. Strip clubs. Don't even mention strip clubs at lunch to him, then he wants to go for the buffet.

Leah! A strip club? At lunch? You don't let him, do you?

Yeah, Leah, doesn't he have a certain responsibility in the relationship to--

Oh, god, you guys. What do I care what he's looking at while he eats? And Hooters, those girls hardly have boobs anyway these days. It's like they don't even get the concept. Hello? Hooters?

Well, I think we can agree that we're not going to any strip clubs for our first Boyfriend Day.

Oh, my god! Yes. Totally no. That would set such a bad precedent.

Alright, you guys. Whatever. I'm easy. That's what my boyfriend always says. He's like, "Leah, you're easy." So, Hooters, then?

2006-01-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

MG, did you get my note?

Good morning, Alana. Doing well, thanks.

What? The note. Did you get my note? The post-it? On your chair?

Uh, no, I, oh. Yeah. Look at that. There it is.

MG! Why would you just sit down on my note?

I don't know. Why would you put a note on my seat?

Because of the way you choose to keep your surrounding space, that was the only clear surface in here.

Ok, well, here it is. "MG, see me." Got it. Done, and done.

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh, just that it says to see you, and look at this! We're talking right now. So I guess it's pretty much mission accomplished here. See you later?

I can't even deal with you right now.

Okey doke.

2006-01-25T12:32:00.000-05:00

MG, you need to get rid of all that.

Rid of?

Yes. You need to clear everything out of here.

What am I supposed to do with it?

It's your job to figure that out.

My job?

Well, as the departmental Katrina Relief Action Plan coordinator, it was up to you to make sure that all those poor people got the donations we made.

What? I'm not a coordinator!

Yes, you are.

How can I be the coordinator if I don't know anything about it?

That's a good question. Another way to say that is, why don't you know anything about it, if you're the coordinator?

That's a completely different question. Alana, seriously, I don't know anything about this. I think it's horrible that we collected all this stuff and it never went anywhere. But I don't think it's my fault.

Well, MG, when something's really important, most people put aside their little "not-my-job, not-my-fault" attitude and all pitch in together to make happen what's really important. When it's something bigger than themselves. I thought this was a case where you'd step up and pitch in.

Pitch in together? Ok, so who am I working with on this?

Basically, we feel like it's a one-person job.

But -

MG, I really cannot believe that you don't care about the hurricane refugees.

2006-01-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

MG! This is totally sexual harassment!

What is, Roger?

The soap! Is it true?

What?

I heard the ladies' room gets fancy scented handsoap!

Oh. Yeah. Joanie brought some in.

Well? Sexual harassment!

How do you figure, Roger?

We don't get any! The soap in the men's room is the pink stuff that doesn't even dissolve in water. And I bet it's not even spermicidal.

Spermicidal? Roger?

Yeah, hello, so it kills flu bacteria? Or, what's it called. Antibacterial. Whatever. Same difference, you know what I mean. It's not fair. It's like they're trying to get the guys to stay sick and smelly, and make the ladies all clean and good-smelling.

Roger, someone just brought in a fancy bottle of soap and stuck it on the sink. Anyone could do that. It's not some company-wide conspiracy. You could bring in your own bottle of Plumeria Passion or whatever.

Uh, right? And then what would I use at home, if I brought in my own soap? Seriously, MG, it is total sexual harassment.

2006-01-23T13:49:00.001-05:00

MG! It turns out, it was Joanie!

What was?

In the bathroom!

Oh.

I just got back from there. Smell my hands!

Joanne, that's okay, I don't need to--

Here!

Ah! Oh. Okay. That's what this was all about? Kind of, strawberry bubblegum?

Well, it's strawberry shortcake, but close enough. Joanie went and brought in bottles of scented hand soap that we all can use! Wasn't that sweet?

Oh. Yeah. That's nice.

Nice? It is so thoughtful. I thought, how can we keep this going? And then I thought, I know! A rotating "soap patrol!"

Soap patrol.

Yes! I knew you'd like the idea! So, what month do you want to be?

What month?

Yes! We're each picking a soap month. Where we're responsible for the ladies' room soap that month. We're good up to April so far, so how about if I put you down for May?

Um, I don't know if--

Perfect! May! And, what flavor do you want to be, MG?

What flavor?

Yes. I was thinking, I thought, we should all say what we're going to bring, so we don't end up with duplicates. You can think about it for a day or two and get back to me.

Oh. Right.

I mean, what if everyone brought Warm Vanilla Sugar and Spice? You see what I mean?

Uh, yeah. I'll think about it. This was for May, right?

2006-01-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

MG! It turns out, it was Joanie!

What was?

In the bathroom!

Oh.

I just got back from there. Smell my hands!

Joanne, that's okay, I don't need to--

Here!

Ah! Oh. Okay. That's nice. Kind of, strawberry bubblegum?

Well, it's strawberry shortcake, but close enough. Joanie went and brought in bottles of scented hand soap that we all can use! Wasn't that sweet?

Oh. Yeah. That's nice.

Nice? It is so thoughtful. I thought, how can we keep this going? And then I thought, I know! A rotating "soap patrol!"

Soap patrol.

Yes! I knew you'd like the idea! So, what month do you want to be?

What month?

Yes! We're each picking a soap month. Where we're responsible for the ladies' room soap that month. We're good up to April so far, so how about if I put you down for May?

Um, I don't know if--

Perfect! May! And, what flavor do you want to be, MG?

What flavor?

Yes. I was thinking, I thought, we should all say what we're going to bring, so we don't end up with duplicates. You can think about it for a day or two and get back to me.

Oh. Right.

I mean, what if everyone brought Warm Vanilla Sugar and Spice? You see what I mean?

Uh, yeah. I'll think about it. This was for May, right?

2006-01-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

Guilty as charged!

Oh, Joanie! I knew it was you! I said to myself, now who would do something like that in the bathroom, and then I just thought, you know, this has Joanie written all over it.

I just thought it would be something kind of, you know, new and different. I'm so glad it affected you!

Joanie, I was just delighted.

Super! That's all I hoped for.

You know dear, this makes me think, maybe this is the kind of thing we should maybe all take turns at leaving in there, I was thinking, maybe we could set up a rotating schedule?

Oh, great idea, Joanne! Then we could schedule who does it when! I'll tell the other girls!

2006-01-18T14:00:00.000-05:00

MG! Have you been in the bathroom today?

Uh, hi, Joanne. Um, yes. I have.

Did you smell it?

Um...

Do you know who's responsible?

Uh, no.

Well, I think I'll make a little sign for whoever it was!

Ok, sure, Joanne.

Do you know if we still have any of that pretty paper that you can put in the printer that has the flowers pre printed on it? I think that would be most appropriate.

Hm. I don't really know.

Well, I'll figure something out. But when somebody does something like that, you feel like you just have to say something, you know?

2006-01-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

Oh, my god, Leah, that is such a great idea!

I know, right, Joanie? My boyfriend always says, he says, "Leah, you have the best ideas."

That's so sweet.

So, like, a lunch, right? I think a lunch would make the most sense.

It'll be so fun! It'll be like show and tell!

I know, right? Because we've all heard about each other's boyfriends for so long, now it'll totally be like, ta-da! Here they are! It'll be so awesome. I'll have to make sure he wears one of his nice shirts I got him for Christmas, and not one of the disgusting ones his mother got him. Gag.

So, it will be me and my boyfriend and you and your boyfriend, and Alana and her boyfriend, and, what about MG?

MG? You are like, totally kidding, right?

Oh! That's right! I forgot. Maybe I blocked it out! You said she might be...

Let's just say that, like, I don't think she needs to be a part of our first official Boyfriend Day.

2006-01-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

Jay, have you seen Alana?

No, I think she took off today for MLK.

Took off? I thought we had to come in?

It's an optional day.

What's an 'optional' day?

You know, you can come in, or not.

So, it's like unpaid leave if you don't come in?

No, I think it's paid vacation, if you want it.

If you want it? Then why is everybody here? I could have sworn we had to work last year.

Ha, most of us did, MG.

Shut up, Jay. That's why I made sure I was in today. Now it's a holiday?

Yep. Maybe you inspired them last year by your refusal to come in. You're kind of like the Rosa Parks of the optional day.

Hm, I think the only point I'm making through my actions is that I don't pay enough attention to inter-office emails. Was there even an email about this? I think I would have remembered it.

No, no email. They mentioned it at that meeting last week.

Meeting?

On Wednesday? I don't think you were there.

How - I didn't know there was a meeting.

That, there was an email about.

2006-01-12T12:32:00.000-05:00

Hey, Alana.

Hello, MG.

Did you find that key?

What key?

To the supply room?

Find it?

Weren't you missing it?

MG, I don't lose my keys.

What? The other day, you were asking me if I'd seen it.

Seen what?

The key. The supply room key?

MG, there's a certain level of responsibility that goes along with being responsible for the supply room key. Which is why I'm the one who's responsible for it.

Oh. Okay, right. Because the cleaning lady left this on my desk with a post-it note that said 'bano' and I thought maybe this was the key you were looking for.

What? That? That's... I don't know what that is. But I'll take it. I'll take it and, and I'll turn it in to lost and found. Which, of course, is standard policy when you find something in the office that doesn't belong to you. Which you'd know, if you read the new edition of the employee handbook.

Employee handbook, Alana? Wow. I'm surprised you'd bring that up.

MG, you can really be a--

Easy, Alana. I do actually seem to recall a chapter in the employee handbook on 'creating a verbally positive and inclusive workplace environment.'

2006-01-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

Jay! Did you see this?

See what, MG?

This congratulations note? This is the sickest thing I've seen in a long time. We won? We won?

Oh, the Katrina thing? Yeah. That's pretty screwed up.

Our department, which they didn't even bother to fill in the blank for, won the donation contest? Contest? That was a contest?

Yeah, it's weird. Maybe they thought they had to make it a contest to get people to bring stuff.

Do they even know?

Know what?

Jay! All that shit, those piles of trash bags of sweaters and broken blenders and worn out sweat pants. They're still in my office! Nothing got to anyone! Which is just as well, I guess, since it's all crap that nobody would need.

You're kidding, really?

Yeah. It's all sitting there.

I kept asking Leah who it was supposed to go to, and she said someone was coming to pick it up.
Then they shut down the building, and when I got back, it was all still here.

Huh. Maybe you could call someone?

Jay, I would. If I thought it would do anybody any good at all, I really would. But at this point, I feel like sending a bunch of closet-puke would just be insult to injury, you know?

Yeah, I... Closet puke? MG, you really have a special way with words.

2006-01-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Attention [departmental] employees:

We are pleased to announce that [your department] won the Katrina Relief Action Plan contest. In keeping with our core values, [your department] donated, by weight, the greatest mass of items to help those Americans in their time of need. You proved that truly, "united we stand" remains one of Winkyshock's core values.

Congratulations to everyone who helped our "brothers and sisters" in New Orleans "weather the storm."

2006-01-09T10:49:00.000-05:00

MG, have you seen the key?

Good morning, Alana. Fine, thank you. What key?

The key. The supply room key.

Nope. I'm not allowed to use it, remember?

I know you're not. But that doesn't mean you couldn't have picked it up.

I think I might have seen some keys in the bathroom yesterday when I was leaving, actually.

What did they look like?

They looked like... keys. I don't know. Why don't you see if they're still there.

Well, I definitely wouldn't have left the supply room key in the bathroom. There's no way it was that.

Okay.

Where exactly in the bathroom did you see them, anyway?

2006-01-06T09:22:00.000-05:00

Jay, I meant to ask you.

Shoot, MG.

TY 06?

What about it?

You know what it means? What is it?

Technical year. 2006.

That's real? I thought Alana just made it up. What does it mean, though? What the hell is a 'technical year?'

It's the year that starts in January and goes through December.

Hm. As opposed to?

You know, the fiscal year, the insurance claims year, the awards eligibility year...

Jay, you are making these up.

Nope.

How do you know this stuff?

I don't know.

But the 'technical year,' that's basically the same as the, well, year year.

Yeah, basically.

So, why do we have to call it the technical year?

I don't know. I guess so we don't get it mixed up with all the other kinds of corporate years.

Or so dorks can feel important by using stupid made-up names for things that already have perfectly good names.

Heh. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, I have to get to the Recreational Targeting and Allowances meeting.

The what?

Ah, it's just about who gets to use which space in the kitchen pantry, I think.

I rest my case.

2006-01-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

Happy new year, MG!

Is it? Oh, sorry. Happy new year to you, too, Vin.

Oh, groucherella! Is 2006 pee-peeing on you already?

No, no. I'm fine. How was your new year's?

Oh, you know. Quiet. I did a dinner for a few friends, and did my new year's purification rituals.

Rituals?

You know. I stacked all my crystals together to re-energize them, cleansed the air - well, really, the apartment's energy field - with burnt sage, then did my soy-vinegar bath meditation.

Soy vinegar?

Yes. You wouldn't believe how it neutralizes toxins.

Guess I wouldn't.

Anyway, you? Did you purify your space?

Yeah. I guess.

Ooh, what are your processes? Did you use zen methods?

Well, sort of. I mean, I threw out the spoiled milk and some suspect leftover chinese. Is that... zen?

Oh, MG. It's not a bad a start. The buddhist monks say, new year, clean fridge, clean slate.

They do?

Well, they could. Start where you are, that's the main thing. For example, we could start with this desk.

Don't you start, too, Vin.

No pressure, my little packrat! Just, when you're ready for a little declutterization--

Okay, Vin. Thanks.

2006-01-04T15:03:00.000-05:00

Hey, MG. Happy new year!

Hi. Jay. To you, too. How was yours?

Good. You know, out with a bunch of friends. Same for you?

Yeah, just, ah, not exactly.

No? What did you do?

Well, I was supposed to go to this party, but it sort of fell through at the last minute.

No kidding.

Yeah, turned out on closer inspection that it was going to be a really couply sort of thing, and the guy who I was going to go with had sort of neglected to tell me that.

Oh. So?

So, it would have been like eight couples and this guy I'm not into. Which makes us sort of an automatic couple. And he knows I'm not into him, so it was kind of a sneaky move. So I bowed out, and I was planning to go to this other thing I'd heard about.

That's alright, then.

But I only had a number for one person who was going to that, and I was trying to get a hold of her to find out where it was, but her cell didn't even ring, just kept going straight to voice mail.

Bummer.

Yeah, she always lets the battery die down. So, I called these other friends to see if it was too late to tag along with them, but by then they were heading out for dinner, and it was one of those expensive prix-fixe deals, and it was too late to change the reservation, even if I did feel like paying 75 bucks for a meal at a place I go to all the time for mac and cheese anyway.

Yeah, that doesn't sound like a great plan. Did you just hit a local bar?

Nah, seemed kind of desperate. I figured I'd look like I was trying to get hit on by drunk dudes if I went alone.

Drunk dudes will always think you want to get hit on.

Yeah, and on new year's they'd actually have an excuse to try to slobber on you. So.

So?

So, I opened up a bottle of white wine I've had forever, and finished up my last pack of cigarettes. Watched Dick Clark until that got too depressing, thought about some resolutions and went to bed, happy knowing that at least I still had the next night to go out, since Monday was a holiday.

Oh. MG, we didn't have Monday off.

Yeah. I heard about that. So much for the whole 'being more responsible about work' resolution.

Wow. You didn't waste any time with that one.

Nope. If you're going to break a resolution, I guess you might as well get right in there and throttle it to death.

Hm.

Didn't really stand a chance anyway, now that I think about it.

2006-01-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

MG, can you--

Happy new year, Alana.

Oh. Happy new year, MG. I forgot, I didn't have a chance to say happy new year to you yesterday. When I said it to everybody else who works here, and who all managed to come to work.

What? Yesterday was the second.

Yes. Yes it was, MG. The S.O.B. for TY '06.

Uh, oh?

Oh, MG. Start of Business.

Oh. Right. Of the, um, TY.

MG! Technical Year?

Oh. Sure. But today was the first day back, right?

MG, I cannot deal with this from you right now.

2005-11-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

Asbestos Abatement

Building may not be occupied

Until further notice

2005-10-24T13:07:00.000-04:00

F A C S I M I L E
Dear Valued Customer:

Thank you for choosing Internet DSL Information or Technology Services.

Currently we are experiencing DSL service outage. Cause of this outage is still under investigation.

If you have questions or concerns regarding this outage, please contact your service group:

support@IDIoTs.com
or at 635-999-8040.

Please note, we are experiencing phone connectivity issues at this time as well.

2005-10-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

Jay, you know stuff about computers, right?

A normal amount, I guess. Why, MG?

I think I uninstalled whatever it is that connects the computer to the printer. Also possibly whatever connects it to, um, the keyboard.

Is that even possible?

I don't know. I took off everything I downloaded, then a bunch of stuff that was popping up on the task manager. I think I might have gone too far.

Huh. Well, you saw that fax they posted, right?

Fax?

From the internet service provider?

No?

Said the DSL was down.

It is?

Yep.

It wasn't just my computer?

No. It was everyone.

And it wasn't my IM software that crashed everything? Or the digital radio?

Doubt it. I think it would take a lot of IMing to knock out the whole ISP service area.

I do message a lot now that no one can see behind my computer.

Probably not that much.

Shit. This means I basically stripped everything good off of my computer for nothing. And also some boring stuff which was apparently necessary.

Guess you'll have to call IT anyway.

Quit laughing, Jay.

2005-10-20T09:45:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG, what's wrong?

Oh. Nothing. Sorry. I was just talking to... the computer.

Ah. How's that working out?

Not so great. Nothing's loading right.

Did you call IT?

Nah. Always takes forever for them to get here. And, well, you know what happened last time.

What happened?

They ratted on me for loading IM stuff and that internet radio thing.

Oh.

And I'm afraid that might be what's messing up the machine now. I'm gonna uninstall that stuff and if it's still not working maybe I'll call them. But your internet is okay?

I don't know, MG. I had a meeting first thing. Just been using my Blackberry for email so far today.

I'm sure it's something I did.

2005-10-19T15:31:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG! Wanna hear something really crazy?

Not really, Roger.

Okay, check this out. You know how I said there was a secret thirteenth floor.

Yes.

Well, there's not!

Really.

Yeah! I figured it out. I found out that sometimes in older buildings, when they built them, they were all freaked out about the number thirteen. They were like, ooooh, bad luck to work on the thirteenth floor, oooooh! So they changed the numbers!

How did you find this out, Roger?

On the Discovery channel. Ha! I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Roger, I was trying to tell you--

So, what that means is, if you think about it, the fourteenth floor is really the thirteenth floor.

Yeah.

And the fifteenth floor is really the fourteenth floor!

Uh-huh.

So that means that even though we're on the seventeenth floor, it's really - wait, hold on - um, it's really the sixteenth floor.

Huh.

Well? Isn't that crazy?

Sure.

2005-10-18T10:17:00.000-04:00

Uh, Jay?

Hey, MG. What's up?

Did I piss everybody off again or something?

I don't know. Did you?

I don't know. I can't think of anything, but.

But what?

But, okay, this is going to sound really weird and paranoid, but I swear it's true.

Shoot.

That whole area that had boxes in it in my office is full of trash bags now!

Trash bags?

Yeah, black and white trash bags, different sizes. All piled up.

Oh. Near the donations?

What?

The donations. The Katrina Relief Action Plan donations?

I don't know what... what?

Didn't you get the email? You must have, right? Since it's your office?

Um, I don't think so, Jay.

You'd think they'd tell you. Your office is the designated Katrina Relief Action Plan drop-off point for the department.

Oh. That's what's in my office? They still haven't sent that stuff out?

Guess not.

And they're stashing it in my office? I don't get a say in this?

Dunno. The email said, I think, that you "generously offered to contribute your space" or something.

Huh. I'd like offer something.

2005-10-17T10:49:00.000-04:00

Attention all employees:
Congratulations on the "storm" of goodwill you showed in the first annual company wide hurricane relief campaign, "Winkyshock, Inc. Cares." Unfortunately because of some weaknesses in the coordination schema, some of your workspaces look like it was them that got hit by a hurricane. Because neatness is a Winkyshock "Core Value," all employees are reminded to report to their departmental relief coordinator with their donated items by the COB tomorrow. Remember, "we can't help others, if our working area is cluttered."
Now, get back to work.

2005-10-14T10:51:00.000-04:00

Well, MG, you think you're pretty funny.

You think I'm pretty, Alana? Thank you!

You need to take things seriously once in a while. I told you to get rid of those boxes, so you mess around for three weeks and then dump them around my cubicle? Are you trying to get fired? There are procedures that have to be followed!

That's exactly what I was trying to do, Alana.

Really.

Well, yeah. You said to throw them out, but I thought that might be wasteful, depending on what they were. So I checked with Nina, and she said to just give them back to whoever they belonged to.

So you want me to try to clean up your mess.

Nope. Just thought you might want your boxes back. In fact, if you look at the new edition of the employee handbook, chapter 12, I believe, it specifically states that one employee disposing of another employee's property is an infraction under section--

My property? New employee handbooks? MG, what are you talking about? You saw the new employee handbooks? MG, I have been looking everywhere for those! I've been calling the distributor every day! We were supposed to receive those weeks ago!

Months. And we did. They're at your desk, in the boxes. Thought you might want them. Like I said, I told Nina that you told me to throw them all out. She didn't look that pleased, to be honest. I don't think she agreed that chucking out all those brand new books would be proper procedure. But now that you have the handbooks, you can check up on that. She said something about scheduling a meeting with you, so I guess maybe you guys can discuss it then?

MG, you do not understand the concept of responsibility.

Run it past me again - something about losing track of a delivery meant for company-wide distribution, then trying to throw it all away?

MG, somebody is really going to be in trouble here.

Yeah, I think you're right.

2005-10-13T10:12:00.000-04:00

MG, I think I know how to solve the thirteenth floor question.

Roger, there's not really a question. I've been trying to tell you, when they built older buildings--

Seriously, check this out. It's so simple. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Just check the employee handbook!

The employee handbook?

Yeah! I looked at the last one and there was nothing on it--

Imagine that.

But I bet the newest edition has something about it!

Huh.

So, can I have a copy of the new one?

There's a new one? Roger, you're asking me?

Yeah! Come on, MG, you can slip me one. I won't tell.

Roger, why would I be able to give you a new employee handbook? I don't know anything about the employee handbooks, old, new or otherwise.

Okay, very funny, MG.

I can hardly think of anything less funny than the employee handbook, Roger.

Just one, MG. I don't need a whole box. I'll give it back if you want.

Roger, what on earth makes you think I have a new copy of the employee handbook?

A new copy? MG, I know you don't think I'm a genius, but I'm not blind.

You're making less sense than usual.

You've had like 50 boxes of the new employee handbooks sitting in here forever.

I’ve what?

Hello? That huge pile of boxes? That I wanted to borrow to make a fort out of in July and you said no? You don’t have to pretend that you forgot what they are just to get out of lending me one.

Roger, are you saying you know what those boxes are?

Who’s not making sense now, MG?

How do you know what the boxes are, Roger?

Duh, because the delivery guy came from the publishing house that day and tried to deliver them to Alana, and she said she didn’t have time to deal with it, so she told me to just have the guy dump them in your office and—

Roger, these were supposed to go to Alana?

Yup. But she was like, “Where am I supposed to put all those boxes in this little cubicle?” So I just showed him where your office was and—

That is amazing.

Well, I think it’s amazing that you won’t even let me look at one.

Roger, you can have one. You can have ten. In fact, how about I take you to lunch today?

Well, me and Jay are going to Hooters for wings today.

Fine. Hooters it is. On me.

Sweet! MG, I didn’t know you cared so much about the employee handbook.

Roger, I fucking love the employee handbook.

2005-10-12T11:23:00.000-04:00

MG, tell me I am hallucinating.

Good morning, Alana. Yes, thank you. I just got these earrings yesterday.

What? I didn’t say anything about earrings. I said tell me I am seeing things. Because I see boxes here and I know I—

Yes, well, someone came up from the mailroom to deal with them, but the batteries on the—

Alana – sorry to interrupt MG – but, Alana, there’s a phone call for you. I don’t know who it is but they’re all like, it’s totally urgent.

Okay, Leah. I’ll be right there. MG, I’ll be back in a minute with a non-compliance form for you to fill out. This is serious now.

Okay, Alana. I’ll be here. Non-complying.

2005-10-11T17:13:00.000-04:00

MG, did you miss me?

Miss you, Roger? Were you away?

I was gone all day! I wasn't really gone. In fact, I was very close. Guess where I was?

Couldn't.

Come on, I'll give you a hint. I was very close, but you couldn't see me.

Um, you were... sitting in your office?

No! That would be just like always, so then you wouldn't have to guess.

How about if I don't have to guess anyway?

Okay, MG. I'll tell you. But you're no fun.

I'm fine with that.

I was locked in the stairwell.

Huh.

Don't you want to know what happened?

No.

Well, I was looking for the door to the thirteenth floor. But when I got into the stairwell, I couldn't get out.

Roger, weren't we just talking about the signs that say "no re-entry?"

Yeah. I thought those were a trick, just to keep people out. It turns out they're not. The doors really lock behind you when you go in!

Imagine.

So I was in there, and I tried the door, and I was stuck!

How'd you get out?

I McDonalded it.

You what?

That means, like, when you use regular McDonalds stuff to get out of a totally impossible situation.

Um--

It was so lucky, MG! I had my supersize breakfast Coke with me, so after I tried the door on every floor, I came back to our floor and used the straw to slide the door knob bolt thing open.

Roger, I think it's MacGyver.

No, it was McDonald's. I've never heard of that place. Is that, one of your weird health food things?

2005-10-10T10:36:00.000-04:00

Leah, did you ever, like, find out what we're supposed to do with this stuff?

Oh my god, Joni, the Katrina stuff?

Yeah. I brought in all this old stuff that doesn't fit me anymore, and it's been under my desk, and I just wonder, like, if we're supposed to do something with it?

Joni, I know! My boyfriend was like, "You know, Leah, you could get rid of some stuff. You have so much clothes." And I was like, "Shut up! I know." He is totally right. I thought, I could get rid of some stuff. So I got rid of all these tops that, like, I used to think were really cute? But now when I look at them I'm like, blech, how did I ever wear that, you know?

I know! I'm the exact same. All these tops, I'm like, "eww, I wore that?" Gross!

Totally. But you know what, this top, I hate it now, but I used to love it. It might look cute on you! I'm too big on top for it now, but I think your boobs are small enough.

Really? Oh my god, that is cute. And this might totally work on you.

Joni! Should we take our donation bags into the bathroom and try on each other's stuff?

Oh my god! Yes! Wait, would that, like, be wrong? Since it's supposed to be for the hurricane victims?

Oh, Joni. If we end up not giving a top or something to them, it's not like we're throwing it away. We're still using it. Anyway, it's not like we're taking anything away from them, if we never gave it to them in the first place. Is that cashmere?

2005-10-07T15:11:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG! It's even deeper than I thought!

Roger?

Check it out. The thirteenth floor mystery. I think I'm onto something big.

Roger--

Shh. We should only whisper about this because-- hold on, let me hear what your whisper sounds like.

What?

No! Shh! Try whispering. I want to make sure you can do it quietly enough before I tell you.

For godsake.

No! Quieter.

Like this, Roger?

Sweet. Good whisper. Okay, MG. Here it is. I took the steps downstairs to see what's on thirteen, and guess what! Go on, guess!

There was no thirteenth floor?

No! There was no thirteenth floor! Oh. Yeah.

Roger, in a lot of older buildings--

But I have a theory! Just because there's no door for it in the stairwell, doesn't mean it's totally not there. I think it might be a half floor.

A half floor?

Shh! Yes. Like the floor above it and below it look normal, but they're each actually a little shorter than the rest, and with the extra space, they put in a secret half floor.

A secret half floor with no door and no elevator.

Yes. No obvious door. I only went down one stairwell. There are lots. And look! They try to keep you out by writing "No re-entry." See? That shows, they don't want us to know what's going on.

Roger, I think it's just because when they built the building, people were super--

I'm going to go into one of the other stairways on Monday and find the half floor.

You'll get stuck, Roger.

Nah, they just say that to try to keep you out. You'll see! The doors don't really lock.

2005-10-06T09:32:00.000-04:00

Christopher! Hey. Come on in. Do you have the laser gun thinger?

Yeah, I brought it. Do you authorize me to use it on these packages?

Of course! I've been begging you to use it on those packages!

I actually have to ask. And now I just need you to sign here to show that you actually authorize--

What? Okay, sure, sure. Here.

Okay. Now I can actually get started.

Terrific. Thank you, Christopher.

Okay.

Alright.

I just actually have to find the, whaddyacallit.

The what?

To turn it on.

The on switch?

Yeah. This should actually be it, but, hm.

What's wrong?

I don't know. It doesn't seem to be working.

Is it...

I don't know, actually. Maybe the battery is dead. I need to take this one down and come back with one that's charged.

Oh. Okay. Do you think you'd be able to do that right away?

Actually, you'd probably have to make a new appointment.

2005-10-05T11:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, MG. We really need to engage here to find out where we're not communicating.

Hi, Alana. I'm doing great today, thanks. And yourself?

What? Look. I think I made myself beyond clear. You need to clear out all this stuff.

Yes, I'm already, uh, engaged in that process.

Obviously you are not, because there is still a large pile of boxes in space - not your own personal space, but company space - that has been requisitioned for another use.

That reminds me, Alana, what is that other use?

You'll see soon enough. Tomorrow morning. When these boxes are disposed of.

You don't really want me to just throw away a dozen new, sealed boxes without knowing what's in them?

I'm sure if it was anything important, whoever's responsible would have taken them by now. I'm not really comfortable with your lack of responsiveness on this issue.

Well, I'm not really comfortable throwing out a ton of stuff when we don't know what it is. That's why I asked, we could say engaged even, the mailroom, uh, protocol, to leverage their core competencies to investigate the nature of the box situation.

I see. Well, that does sound like you're implementing proper protocols, if a little bit more slowly than we'd like to see. First thing tomorrow morning. And MG, I think you're forgetting that this isn't your own home.

You can see how that would be an easy mistake.

What was that?

Nothing. I said, That would be a mistake.

2005-10-04T14:34:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG! Do you know what I just noticed?

Roger, I couldn't guess.

Check this out - this is super freaky. There's a missing floor!

Missing.

Yes!

How's that?

The elevator skips a floor going up.

Roger, just because the elevator doesn't stop at a floor doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Ha-ha! That's where I've got you. I've totally got you on that!

Yeah?

Yeah! Yes! Busted!

Okay, okay, what do you mean?

Today when I was coming up the elevator, I was counting each floor in my head when we went past it. Like when we went past two, inside my head I said, "Two!" Like that. For each floor. And I was looking at each button when I said its number. And that's when I noticed!

Noticed...

Ready, MG? That's when I noticed that there is no thirteenth floor button!

Hm.

So that means that the elevator doesn't stop at the thirteenth floor. It must be top secret. I bet that's where Winkyshock keeps its labs.

Labs, Roger? You think our company has labs?

Well, it must be. Or something like that. Something totally classified. I'm going to figure it out.

Yeah?

Yeah. Later I'm gonna take the stairs to thirteen and see just what they're up to there.

Roger, I think it's just that--

Shh. MG. Don't talk about it anymore. We can't let them know that we know.

2005-10-03T10:33:00.000-04:00

Hi, MG.

Hello? Oh, Christopher! Is that you? Hi, how are you? Come in. Uh, wattup?

I'm okay, thanks. You got an office.

Yeah, at least for a little while. It's just temporary, um, all up in here.

A ha.

So, you're, um, not really doing the whole baggy pants thing now.

No.

And you went back to blue, your eyes.

Yes.

Oh. Okay, word! I mean, great. And you're still in the mailroom.

Yeah, I'm an assistant manager now. So, what can I help you with? You had some boxes?

Right, yes. Those, over there.

And what's actually the problem?

Well, they only have shipping bar codes, and we need to figure out where they're supposed to be going, so I can get them out of here. Alana said to just chuck them, but I thought we should see whose they are. Then, probably, they'll throw them out. But, whatever. Can you tell from the bar code who they belong to?

Oh. Yes, I could, if I actually had the bar code gun.

You don't have it?

No. I'll actually have to come back with it.

Oh! Well, do you think you could sort of get it and come back right away?

I actually have a lot of other rounds to do, so it might be tomorrow before I can get to it.

Christopher, we've kind of been waiting a few days already. Is there any way--

Once I get the gun up here it will only take a second.

That's why I was thinking, if you could just do it real quick today--

I can try, but I'm not sure I'll actually be upstairs again today.

Okay, well, how about this? How about if we just tear one of the bar codes off, and you could take it down to the mailroom, shoot it real quick or whatever you do, then call me with the name?

I don't think I can actually do that.

Really?

I think that would be 'interfering with or obstructing mail integrity' and that's actually a federal offense.

Okay. Okay. Just please try to come back as soon as you can. Alana is desperate to get these out of here for some reason.

2005-09-30T12:08:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG, wanna come grab lunch?

Sorry, Jay, can't. Waiting for someone to come up from the mailroom.

When are they supposed to come?

They were supposed to be here by now. They said by eleven. But when I call, they keep saying someone's on the way.

Hm.

I'm sure as soon as I step out they'll come up, then who knows when I'll be able to get another appointment.

You need appointments?

I know! That's the thing, though. They won't give you an actual appointment, they just say that someone will be up "soon."

Okay. Want me to grab you something?

Nah, I'm sure they'll come in a minute, then I'll duck out.

Okay. Good luck.

2005-09-29T15:20:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm calling to follow up on a request I placed with you guys yesterday?

Yes, someone was supposed to come up and take a look at a shipment that's been in my office?

Um, for a while.

Like, several months.

I just need them to take a look at it and see who it's for?

I don't know. I'm hoping you might be able to tell me.

I don't know that, either. Hoping to find out.

Right, exactly. A few months. Maybe, three? Four?

Um, it just didn't really come up before now.

Yes, I know. I just, I actually talked to someone down there yesterday, and it sounded like it wouldn't be a problem for someone to come up and check it out, and I was just wondering what time that might be.

Ticket number? I don't think I got one.

There was no original copy. It was just, verbal. Over the phone.

Okay, could we consider this my request?

Oh. Should I email it, then?

But you're just two floors down.

Okay, okay. What's the fax number?

Great. I'll send it right away. And when should I expect someone? This is kind of urgent.

I know, I know. It just... it wasn't urgent for the last four months but now it is.

Okay. Thanks. I'll do that.

2005-09-28T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hi, can you connect me to the mailroom, please?

Um, anyone would be fine.

A name? I'm not sure I know anyone specifically... oh. How about Chris. Christopher.

Thank you.

Hello, Chris? This is MG, remember? From your internship?

Yeah, that's right. Ha, ha. From the messy cubicle. Well, I have a little office, now, but yeah. So, um, wattup, dog?

Uh, I mean, how's everything? You, um, keeping it real?

Ok, anyway. I was just wondering, I have a few boxes, um, up in here, up in my office, I mean, and their shipping labels are kind of, um, whack, see, so, I was wondering if someone from the mailroom might be able to scan them and get the shipping information off them so we can tell, sort of, who all sent them and all?

Yes, that's right, exatly like you said. The information is obscured because the labels are incomplete. So do you think someone could come up and take a look?

That would be, uh, radical. No, fresh. Um, the shiznit? Anyway, thanks, Christopher. I'll see you later. Respect?

2005-09-27T09:23:00.000-04:00

Hey, boxerella. Alana's out there muttering about "MG's boxes, MG's boxes." I wonder if that's what she chose as her healing mantra?

Ha. Hey, Vin. Yeah, these same stupid boxes. She said to just toss them, but that doesn't seem right, right? How can I figure out what's in them?

Hold on a minute. Hmmm.

Are you petting them, Vin?

I'm trying to get a sense of their vibrational energy. I get a sense that it's some kind of books or printed material.

I got the same sense when I could barely lift them. And they don't make any noise or anything. Weird that they're unmarked, right?

Did you try looking at the tops for shipping info?

Look, Vin, the tops are blank.

MG, these are the bottoms. They're all upside down.

They are?

Mm hm. Just look at the tape. Nobody turned them over?

Um, no.

Well, let's see. Here we are. They all have shipping bar codes.

Vin, you're a genius!

Well, I can't read the bar codes. And they don't give off any vibes. But maybe one of the mailroom boys can use one of those little laser zapper gun thingers and see what they say?

Brilliant.

And if that doesn't work, just send them to me.

The boxes?

No, honey, the mailroom boys.

2005-09-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

Hey, Jay. How was the weekend?

Not bad, MG. Hung out outside a lot. You?

Yeah, totally. I keep going to outside brunches and bars because I always think it's going to be the last nice weather, and I know I should really do laundry, but I can't afford to spend the last warm summer Saturday inside, right? So I keep going to the park and I have like a month's worth of laundry piled up.

Hm. You could just get up early and get it over with. That's what I usually do.

I try not to get up early for anything, especially laundry, Jay.

What about at night?

I never feel like it at the end of the day.

So you're waiting til the weather's bad to do your laundry?

Some people save money for a rainy day, I save laundry.

2005-09-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

Um, MG, I'm sure I told you to get those boxes out of here.

Fine, thank you, Alana. And yourself?

What? I'm sure I told you to get those boxes out of here.

I know.

So? What are those?

Well, that's just the thing. I don't know what they are. They're all sealed, and they don't say what's in them.

And so?

And so I don't know what to do with them if I don't know what they are.

Well, just throw them out, then.

Yeah, but they're like brand new boxes. They don't even look like they've been opened. What if it's something important?

Well, I don't know. It's your responsibility to figure it out. In fact, it was your responsibility three days ago when I first asked you. End of the day today, or I'm going to have to write this up. And you know I don't want to do that.

No. Of course not.

2005-09-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

Jay, what should I do with all this stuff?

What is it, MG?

I don't even know. It's a bunch of boxes that showed up on the empty desk in here a few months ago.

Should probably try to find out where it all came from and see who's supposed to deal with it.

That's brilliant, Jay.

Just seems like the obvious thing.

You're totally right. Something about working here for a few years has made me forget to even try the simple, logical answer.

2005-09-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

MG, I asked you to clear all those boxes out of here, right?

I'm fine, thanks, Alana, how are you today?

Fine. Didn't I tell you to clear all those boxes out of your offi-- your temporary office?

Yes.

So? Why are they still here?

Because I put them out in the hallway by the freight elevators and I got yelled at for putting things in the hallway without authorization.

Well, you have to find something to do with them. Remember when I told you someone was coming to share your office?

Yeah.

Well, they're not. So we need room in here.

Nobody's coming, and that's why you need room in here? I don't--

You will. Just have these gone by the end of the day.

2005-09-20T13:58:00.000-04:00

Alana, what should I do with these?

What's that, Joni?

Like you said, I found some stuff to bring in. You said heavy stuff was better, so I dug up some old winter coats.

Oh, perfect, Joni.

And I think you're totally right. Because it really is starting to get chilly.

I know. I think about those poor people who don't even have winter coats, you know? Anyway, I guess you can just leave them on top of the pile in the hallway. Be sure to sign the card, too!

2005-09-19T13:22:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, you guys, what is up with all those piles of trash by the elevators?

I know, Leah, I saw that! I held my breath when I walked by, because I was afraid they were going to stink!

Joni, they don't stink. If they stank, we could smell them from here.

I know, but it looks like huge piles of trash bags!

I know it does, but it's like, rags, or something.

You guys, it's not trash. It's donations.

Donations? Alana, what are you talking about?

Didn't you guys get the email? It's donations, for the hurricane. It's part of our corporate responsibility program. It makes the company look really good when we all give stuff away.

Oh.

And it, you know, helps people. So if you guys have any old clothes or anything that you don't wear anymore, or, Leah, that don't fit anymore, you should totally bring them in tomorrow. The whole company is having a contest and it goes by weight. So if you have anything heavy, definitely bring it.

O-kay, Alana. Thanks-bye. Oh my god, Joni, did you hear that? Did you? What did she mean by that? What did she mean, "That don't fit you anymore?" Is she saying I'm fat? Because my boyfriend says I am perfect just the way I am.

Leah, you are so not fat. Seriously.

2005-09-16T12:17:00.000-04:00

Hey, Jay? Do you know what we're supposed to do with this stuff?

What's that, MG?

Stuff for the hurricane relief thing. I had this bag of clothes at home that I've been meaning to give to Goodwill or whatever forever and I never got around to it. I'm glad they're donating from here.

Oh, yeah. I brought in some stuff, too. Do you think they can use old shoes? My aunt gives me a birthday check for shoes every year, but I always end up buying almost the exact same kind, and they don't really wear out that badly. They're a little scuffed, but I don't really need five identical pairs of black shoes, right?

I'm sure they can use them, and I'm sure they're fine. But what do we do with them?

I was going to ask you. I guess just hold on to them, and someone will collect them, or tell us what to do with them, right?

2005-09-15T11:23:00.000-04:00

Attention all employees:

Winkyshock, Inc. is proud to unveil our signature corporate fund-raiser drive for the people of New Orleans: "Jazz Relief, Winkyshock!" Tomorrow through Friday, bring in canned food and clothes to send there. Of course the company considered ways to provide "matching" donations, so upper management has decided that on the corporate end, we will provide Winkyshock branded plastic bags to ship your donations in, with a special "Jazzy Winkyshock" logo.

Our top graphic design contractor provided the logo at half their usual price as their own contribution to the hurricane relief. We hope that you'll reach deep into your closets, cupboards, and hearts and bring in a real "flood" of donations!

Now, back to work.

2005-09-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

Joni, this is so annoying.

What happened, Leah?

Because of all these hurricanes, there are all these names that I can't even consider for when me and my boyfriend have a baby.

Oh my god! You're having a baby?

Not now. But I'm sure we will. His ex-wife-slash-still-current-wife-slash-ho-bag is giving birth soon to lord knows whose baby, so he'll probably want to think about having his own soon after that, right? And then there's all these names that we totally can't use! They should name hurricanes after, like, Chinese names or Mexican names or something. Then nobody would have to worry about it.

2005-09-13T14:21:00.000-04:00

Eww, you guys, it is so messed up down there.

Oh my god, Leah, I know.

My boyfriend is a cop, and he was like, "That is messed up." He was like, "I'm glad I'm not a cop down there. It's like the projects times a thousand," he said.

I know. I feel so bad for all those poor people. I sent a check. My fiance and I used the first check from our joint account to send money.

You got a joint account? That's so awesome!

I know, right? Do you guys have one?

No, not yet. He's still technically married, so it's like, we have to wait. And his ex-wife is still writing checks from that account. He's like, "My wife is still writing checks from that account. I can't have two women writing checks out of my money, Leah." So, every time she writes a check, he has to put a stop on it.

Wow, what a hassle, Leah. I feel bad for him.

I know. But you know who I really feel bad for? My cousin. Her name is Catarina. Everyone's making jokes about her name. Because it's like Katrina, you know? I feel so sorry for her.

2005-09-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

MG, can I confess something to you?

Sure, Vin. What’s the matter, hon? You look kind of rattled.

Rattled, tattled, smattled. Whatever you want to say, yes. I don’t know how to think about this.

What happened? What did you do?

I didn’t do anything.

Okay…

That’s just it! I didn’t do anything! Yesterday, I did my Sunday morning crystal breathing. Then I had my Sunday latte, which is double, with cinnamon. I did my ironing, stopped by Claude-Jay’s to get my eyebrows done –

I thought they looked nice.

Oh, thank you, don’t they? He does such amazing work. Anyway, I went to the farmer’s market and picked up some organic mini-eggplants which I whipped into a magical pasta dish. I ate with Fred, then I did that mask that I was telling you to try that I see you haven’t yet, and then, that was it.

Okay. Sounds okay. Why the big sigh?

I didn’t do anything. You know, to commemorate. I never turned on the TV or radio all day and MG, I wouldn’t have believed that I would ever ever ever say this, but – I have to whisper it - I forgot. I remember when I thought there would never ever be a day that I wouldn't think about it, and then on the anniversary, I didn’t even think about it once. I woke up this morning and I was like, “Oh my god! I missed September eleventh!”

Ohh. I see.

The worst part is, I even knew a few people. Not really well, but I still knew them. I feel so, so horrible.

Aw, Vin. Don’t beat yourself up. It means you’re healing. It’s not such a bad thing. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about them.

Did you do something for it?

I almost did the same thing as you. But when I finally dragged myself outside, without even thinking about it, I thought, “Wow, the sky and the weather feel just like – oh. It actually is.” Apart from that, it might’ve passed me by, too.

Okay. I guess that makes me feel a little better. Maybe Joanne’s on to something with her crying eagles and terror cookies.

Hm. I don’t--

Nah, you’re right.

2005-09-09T11:39:00.000-04:00

MG! Here! Have one!

What's that, Joanne?

Patriot cookies.

Patriot cookies? Oh, I see. They're little double American flags.

MG, I was trying to think, what would be the best shape of cookies to make for Patriot day. And I was thinking of an eagle of course, but I made a batch and all their little beaks and claws got burned. But no great loss, because it would be too hard to do all the little feathers with icing. So, I said to myself, think, Joanne! Then I thought, WWLB - What would Laura bake? And then I got it! See, if you look this way, it's two American flags, billowing straight out, right up one on top of the other. But turn it like this, and ta-da! It's the twin towers. With flags painted, well, iced, on them, of course. Unless you just turn them around and look at the back, then they're just plain. But, see! What do you think?

Wow.

Oh, and no need to thank me for putting the flag and the eagle on your door. Just trying to be a good citizen - and a good co-worker! Go ahead and take two cookies, if you want. A little extra dose of patriotism never hurt anyone!

2005-09-08T09:36:00.000-04:00

Jay, what is that? What is it doing?

Looks like an eagle, MG. Crying.

I know. I can see that. What is it doing on my door?

You didn't put it there?

Jay.

Okay, didn't think so.

I guess it's some kind of... reminder?

Reminder.

Well, it says 'Never Forget.'

Sure does.

2005-09-07T14:37:00.000-04:00

MG, I didn't want to say something too soon, but it's already Wednesday, so I thought to myself, I thought, it's not too soon now. I should just go ahead and say something. Because maybe she has a reason or something came up, or something like that, so I figured, I figured you'd probably actually want me to say something.

Hi, Joanne. About what?

MG, okay, I don't mean this as an accusation, I really don't, because we all celebrate in our own ways, and I know that everyone is different. And I don't want to draw the worst conclusion, I really don't. Because despite what everyone says about you--

Joanne?

Well, okay. This is so hard to bring up. Well, it's just that I noticed, you don't have your Never Forget sign up on your door. And I thought at first, I thought, well, I'll give her time to get settled into her new office. But then time went by, and the sign didn't go up, and it's just that now it's getting close, so I thought it was time to bring it up.

My what?

Never Forget!

Forget... what?

Oh, goodness, MG. I didn't want to believe it was true! I just can't--

Sorry, Joanne, I have to take this call. Can we talk about it later? Thanks.

2005-08-30T12:56:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG. Did you get that t-con thing sorted out yesterday?

Yeah, Jay. Hey. More or less. I got onto the call eventually. It was hard to figure out what was going on, though.

Yeah, nobody identifies themselves.

That, but I mean, what was going on. I guess some people were on cell phones, or something. Because I swear I heard a toilet flush in the middle of it, and someone sounded like they were eating lunch.

Ha. Yeah, a lot of people forget to mute it out, so you can hear what they're doing in their offices.

Mute?

Yeah, you have to dial *72 or something like that to mute your end of it, so the rest of the conference call can't hear what you're doing in your office.

Oh.

Uh, you okay, MG?

I'm fine. I hope they all like the Pixies, though.

2005-08-29T10:59:00.000-04:00

MG, do you have the patch-in number for that t-con?

What?

Didn't you get the email from Nina about the t-con, with all the info?

Alana, what? What's a t-con? It sounds like a transformer.

It sounds like a what? MG, a teleconference. And you're supposed to have the patch-in numbers for the department. Everyone is relying on you to patch in the trunk line for the department.

Oh. Um, I don't think I know... anything about this. Is this like a phone number, or a code number, or...?

There's the 800 number you dial into, then you need the six-digit conference number, then you need the other six-digit PIN number, then you need the departmental ID number. You're supposed to have these! They were supposed to go to you!

I'm sorry. I must not have gotten the email.

MG, this call starts in thirty minutes! If our department doesn't get its positional buy-ins because of this, there are going to be a lot of stake-holders with a lot of issues!

If I had any idea what that meant, I'm sure I'd be sorry.

What? Did you say something?

No. Just said, "I'm sorry."

2005-08-26T09:16:00.000-04:00

Ma'am, if you could just scan your ID here.

Here it is.

No, you can't just hold it up, I need you to scan it over the turnstile. It's the new system.

It's not...

No, the bar code. The bar code on the bottom. Scan it. No, other way. Just hold it over the-- no, not there, the window. Turn the card over - not around, over, yeah - and slide it slowly over the little window with the laser in it. There you go.

Oh, my god!

Problem?

Why does my face come up on the screen like that?

It just reads the card and brings up your picture the way it's encoded on your ID, ma'am.

Does the monitor have to face the whole lobby like that?

It's a security measure, ma'am. So the guard can see if you match the picture.

But does it have to be so big?

This way if someone's not at this post, then someone at the other post can see the image.

But the picture on the screen is bigger than my actual head!

Yes. That's the level of security we're offering in this building.

Ack! What's that huge red X over the face on the screen now?

Now, your scan ran out, because you didn't go through in 20 seconds. You're going to have to go around to the other side now and scan it over there to verify.

Verify?

Yes, ma'am. Since the time expired to go through the turnstile, we'll need to see another piece of ID we can match up with your building card and issue an override. Otherwise it will go into the system as a breach.

But I work here.

Well, the machine doesn't know that. It just knows what it reads on the card.

But that's like the only thing the card says. That I work here. That's the only reason I have it. And it just scanned it.

Yes, but you see, it just timed out. So.

2005-08-25T15:29:00.000-04:00

Joni, can I see your ID card?

Oh my god, Alana, my picture is horrible.

That's okay, just for a minute? And Leah, could I see yours, too?

Oh, Alana, I hate this picture! I had them retake it like five times and finally the lady got all pissed at me? Like, um, it's your job to take a good picture in the first place, so don't get pissed at me because you can't do your job right? And when I went home and showed it to my boyfriend, he thought it didn't even look like me. He was like, "Leah, that does not even look like you." And --

Leah, can I just see the ID for a sec? Thanks. That's fine, you guys. That's what I thought. Everybody's is totally regulation.

Regulation?

Everybody has a nice, normal little head right in the middle. Except some people need to show off how different they are by getting their face gigantic on the card. I'm going to suggest that in the future they stick to the guidelines better. The employee ID card is not the place for self-expression.

Oh my god, Alana. You are so right. It so isn't.

2005-08-24T09:59:00.000-04:00

Vinnie, can I see your ID card?

Sure, sugarpea. Though I'm not sure you can handle the beau-ty!

Always a danger, but I'll take my chances, Vin. Hand 'er over.

Ta-da!

See? That's totally fine. Normal. Except for whatever it is you're doing with your eyebrow there. But it's fine! There's space around your head. Look what they did to me!

Wow. Extreme close up.

They took it so my face fills up the entire box!

Hmm. That's awful. You need to start using a pore mask. I do it minimum twice a week, or once, absolute minimum. Cucumber, lavender oil, nutmeg, and sour cream. And a teensy splash of gin.

Gin? Gin is good for your skin?

I don't know. But the smell reminds me of the good old days. And it also stings a like hell after I've shaved, so it's kind of a reminder to stay away from it. It works both ways. Like your ID card. You can own it, like, "I am the queen of the world, and one little picture box isn't enough for me!" and it's also like "hello, don't forget the astringent!"

Um, thanks, Vin.

2005-08-23T09:57:00.000-04:00

After a week off, MG, nobody else seems to have any problem getting here on time.

Good morning, Alana. I've been here for an hour already. And it was fine, thank you. How was your week off?

I chose to come in and tie up a few odds and ends over the optional week off.

Optional?

Of course. With unpaid leave, it's your option what you do with it. It's in the handbook. You always have the option to keep coming in and getting paid at your regular rate. And for your information, I came by your office three times earlier and you were not here and the light and the computer weren't even on, so there's no use saying that you've been here for an--

Alana. I've been down in the basement with security since nine o'clock. Something happened with my employee ID card, and I had to go through this whole big line to pick up a stack of paperwork, and--

So, basically, you didn't renew it when you were supposed to.

And it took half an hour longer than it should have because they were trying to call up to your office to get authorization and there was no answer.

Well, it's not my responsibility to wait by the phone to put out fires caused by people not doing what they're supposed to do in the first place.

No, I guess snooping around to see which offices have their lights turned on is more your primary thing.

What was that? Did you say something, MG?

No, nothing.

2005-08-22T09:40:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG. Good vacation?

Are we calling forced, unpaid leave vacation now, Jay?

So, that good, then, eh?

Any day away from here does wonders for me, but not so much for the little old bank account, you know?

I hear that. But, you know, that's basically why they say you should always keep the equivalent of three months' rent on reserve, just in case. I always have about 3,000 dollars in the bank that I just pretend isn't there. Then when something unexpected like this comes up, it's not such a big deal. You probably do that too, right? Keep a little cushion on reserve?

Oh, yeah, Jay. I do the exact same thing. Except my cushion is more like, um, a little less.

But still enough to get you through an unpaid week here or there, right?

Sure, sure. A week of instant coffee and ramen noodles, but yeah. I guess maybe I'd call it more of a strip of foam rubber than a comfy cushion, but sure.

2005-08-15T09:02:00.000-04:00

Attention all employees:
Today will mark the beginning of our annual "time is money" holiday campaign. Please enjoy your week off, and think of the "time" you're not here as "money in the bank." Of course this is not literal money, but money in the "outside the box" sense. Which is how we encourage all of our employees to think.
See you all next Monday, refreshed and ready to start earning literal money again!

2005-08-08T11:41:00.000-04:00

Hey, Jay? Did your ID work this morning?

Yep. Why? Didn't yours?

No. It wouldn't scan, so they searched my bag and slapped a Visitor sticker on me. And then they called up to Nina to let me in, and of course she wasn't here, so they called Alana instead, just to make sure she knew that I was fifteen minutes late. As if she wouldn't have noticed anyway. After all these years.

That's pretty annoying.

I know! Why is it suddenly not working?

That's weird. You did update it last week, right?

What?

Oh. Didn't you get the email? That everyone had to update their cards?

No?

Yeah, Friday was the deadline to renew it automatically just by replying to the email. After that, you have to go down to the badging station with a letter and some statement and all that stuff and get your photo redone. I'll forward you the email, even though it'll probably be too late for the automatic update. If I'd known you hadn't gotten it... bummer, MG.

Not your fault. Thanks, Jay.

2005-08-03T13:52:00.000-04:00

2005-08-02T10:51:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG. What'd you do this weekend?

Hi, Roger. Nothing, really.

I bet you got your beach on.

What?

You definitely got your sunburn on. I bet it was at the beach. So, you got your beach on.

Oh. No. I wasn't at the beach.

Then I bet you got your softball on. You play softball?

No.

What did you do, then?

I don't know. I guess I got my, sitting outside the laundromat waiting for my clothes to dry and I forgot to put sunscreen on, on.

2005-08-01T09:28:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, MG. What happened to you?

Nothing, Leah.

Your nose is all red!

I know. I got sunburned.

Why? Sunburn is so bad for you!

I didn't do it on purpose. I used sunblock, but I guess it wiped off.

You have to be careful! My boyfriend always says, "Leah, did you put on your sunblock? Sunburn is so bad for you!" And I'm always like, "Yeah, I know!" and then he's like, "It can really give you wrinkles."

Yeah.

That's too bad you don't have anyone to remind you about the sunblock. Because sunburn can really give you wrinkles, you know.

Yeah, I've heard.

2005-07-27T13:42:00.000-04:00

Roger? Have you heard anything about a new person coming in?

A new person? No. Sweet!

Hm.

I hope it’s someone just like Rob, and I can call him Wings. If he beats me at the wing-eating contest. But he totally wouldn’t. I’m supreme at that. Even if it’s a girl, I could still call her Wings. If she beat me, but no girl would ever beat me at the wing-eating contest!

Roger, it would be a new employee. Not a new baby brother or sister.

2005-07-25T14:36:00.000-04:00

MG, I already told you about playing music from your computer.

Alana, you know what? I actually checked the employee handbook on that.

Good. Then you know that it's not allowed.

Nope. It turns out that it's not allowed if another employee will be disturbed, distracted, or offended, or harassed by it. And nobody here but me, and regarding my own music, I am none of those things. So.

Well, it turns out that that's what I came to talk to you about. You're going to have to clear all that stuff off that other desk. Because you're going to be sharing this office.

I am? I didn't hear anything about that.

I just told you. Have a good one.

2005-07-20T11:46:00.000-04:00

MG, can you— what are you wearing?

It’s a sleeveless shirt, Alana.

No, it’s a tank top.

Okay, tank top, sleeveless shirt. Same difference. Why?

Because you can’t wear a tank top to work. A sleeveless shirt is okay.

What’s the difference?

It’s in the employee handbook that way. Anyway, if you didn’t keep it so hot in here, you could dress appropriately.

2005-07-18T12:16:00.000-04:00

Hey, you fixed your AC! Not so cold in here anymore.

Ha. Good one, Jay. Come closer and say that.

What's wrong? Gosh, you're keeping it really warm in here, aren't you?

Yeah, I finally found the magical thermostat button that's been missing all this time and cranked it on up to malarial tropics. It's broken, Jay!

It's just off completely? It feels just like outside in here.

Worse. It's actually pumping out heat.

Can't you shut it off?

If I could shut it off--

Okay, okay. Sorry. Right. Yeah, no one would have it on like this on purpose. Can't you complain?

I did. They gave me a ticket number and said they'd be up between noon and five.

Can't you work someplace else til then?

Nah. They said I had to be here or the workman couldn't come in. For insurance reasons or something. So I have to wait.

Well, at least you can sweat off a few pounds!

Thanks, Jay.

2005-07-11T16:22:00.000-04:00

Hey, hot enough for ya, MG?

Come in here and say that, Jay.

Whoo! It’s like an igloo in here. Why are you keeping it so cold?

It’s not on purpose. I told you, the AC is too strong, and I can’t turn it down. I tried to block it with all those reports, and then I put a layer of newspapers over them, but still.

That’s why you’re all bundled up.

Yeah, I had to dig a heavy sweater out of the back of the closet.

Did you call someone?

Yeah, they said that the way the vents are set up, they were meant to cool an entire conference room, but then they redesigned everything and made this little office instead of a big room. But nobody thought about the AC, or they couldn’t do anything about it.

Wow. So, what are you going to do?

Bring gloves tomorrow, I guess.

2005-07-08T11:10:00.000-04:00

Did you guys see these pictures? My fiance tried to hide them from me, because he knew how upset I'd get.

Oh my god, you guys, you know what the craziest part is? My boyfriend and I were totally talking about visiting there this year. We could have actually been there!

Seriously, Leah? That is so scary. I know someone who used to live there. If she hadn't moved back to the States last year...

Wow, Joni. So scary.

2005-07-07T10:21:00.000-04:00

You see, MG? You see?

Come in. See what, Joanne?

The Personal Evacuation Pack! Thank god!

For what?

Thank god I've been wearing mine. Because, see? I told you something like this would happen.

Joanne, please tell me you aren't talking about--

See? Putting your head in the sand and pretending that the world isn't a dangerous place just isn't going to cut the mustard these days, you know, not anymore.

Joanne, I don't have my head in the sand, I just don't see how those fanny packs would--

You just go ahead and leave your PEvPak in a desk drawer where it won't protect you at all.

Joanne, to say that wearing that thing around the office, here, helps anything is almost kind of insulting to people who actually--

Well, I, for one, and also practically everyone else in the office, prefer to be on the safe side. If you want to just run around thinking you're unvulnerable, good luck to you, MG.

2005-07-06T13:11:00.000-04:00

What's all that, MG? You having a book sale or something?

Hi, Jay. Nah.

Oh, did something spill? Are you trying to dry those out?

No. The AC is so freezing in here, I was trying to cover up the vents. I thought maybe if I spread all those old bound reports over the vents, it would keep it from getting so cold in here.

Huh. Seems like a good idea. How's it working?

It's keeping the direct blast of cold air down a little, but I think I saw your breath when you asked that.

Maybe you should stack them two deep. I have a shelf full of them, too, if you need some.

Anything's worth a try.

2005-07-05T11:23:00.000-04:00

Hey, Vin. Did you watch the fireworks?

Sure, MG. You?

Yeah, they were really nice. Where did you watch from? Do you know someone with a roof or balcony?

I actually just watched from my kitchen window.

You have a view from there, Vin?

Yeah. It's not a great view, but it's enough to get the idea of the fireworks.

The idea?

Well, MG, they're fireworks. Bright colors, loud noises, little starbursty burst things. I've seen enough fireworks to get the idea. And I just didn't need all the crowds and the crowding. No, thank you. The kitchen window worked just fine.

2005-06-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG. Hangin' in?

Just barely, Jay.

What's wrong?

I feel like it's suddenly turned into a medical self-help seminar out there. Everyone seems to be talking about stuff that I wouldn't even want to bring up with my doctor.

Yeah?

I swear, everyday, all day long, all I'm hearing is blood and piss and oozing mouth wounds.

Really? I hadn't noticed. Once I'm focused in on my spreadsheets and reports, all that chatter kind of goes right over my head. Maybe if you concentrate a little harder on your work, you won't notice so much.

Um, yeah. Maybe.

2005-06-28T12:07:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG?

Hi, Leah.

MG? Do you have a tampon?

Uh, no.

Because I've been having this really weird thing with my--

Oh! Look at that! Here you go. I do. Here.

Thanks, MG. You totally saved me! Because--

It's no problem. Just, could you pull the door shut on your way out? Perfect. Yeah, all the way. Thanks.

2005-06-27T12:36:00.000-04:00

Hey, Vin. How are ya? Did you go to the parade?

Oh, honey, please. This queen's parading days are in the past. Did you go, MG?

Nah. I've watched a few years. It's fun, but it was just too hot. Were you ever on a float or anything?

On a float? Ladyfriend, I was the float! One year, I was the queen of the green fairy absinthe fighters. We flung condoms, glitter, and those little plastic toothpick swords into the crowd. It was a trip.

Wow. That sounds... hm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, actually, Vin.

I know! We weren't, either. But, my god was it a blast.

2005-06-24T14:26:00.000-04:00

MG? MG! Open up. You have to open this door. Leah, how long has her door been closed?

She kind of slammed it a few hours ago and she hasn't opened it up since.

Slammed it? No. MG!

Can you just open it, Alana?

Would you believe, Leah, the door is locked? She actually slammed her door shut and locked it? This is against so many rules I can't even believe it. We talked about this on Thursday. Why would she do something that she knows is against the rules, after we even talked about it?

I have no idea. She's kind of weird.

2005-06-24T11:12:00.000-04:00

Joni, oh my god. My period.

What's wrong, Leah? Is it... late?

No. Not really. It's, like, doing that thing where it kind of starts but then not really? You know what I mean? It's like, I wipe, and there's this little bit of blood, and then there's none, and I'm like, hello? Is it here or is it not?

I've never had that happen. My personal delivery of red roses comes like clockwork. My monthly subway card ends the day before it starts each month, so then I know - the next morning, eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock?

Give or take an hour.

Joni, you are too much. My boyfriend always says, he says, "Leah, how come you don't know exactly when it starts?" And I tell him, I know basically when its gonna start, but I always tell him, it's not like you can tell to the minute! And he's always like, "Well, you better make sure you let me know. Cause I don't want any surprises, you know." And I'm like, "Sure!" because can you imagine how totally gross that would be?

Ew. Oh my god. My fiance would die. Not to mention my sheets.

I know, right? So, now I'm like, do I put in a tampon, or do I wait? You know?

Tampons! Oh, no. Leah, I couldn't do that. It's pads all the way for me! Thank god for pads.

Are you kidding? Joni, I can't believe you. I haven't used pads since eighth grade. I was freaked out, but my mom was like, "Forget it, Leah. You don't need to walk around in a diaper. You take this, you stick it in, you can just forget about it."

Oh, not me. I never liked the sound of it, like you said, sticking it in. I couldn't. You're brave, Leah.

Yeah, that's what my boyfriend says. He's always like, "I'm a cop," because he's a cop, and he's like, "I'm a cop, and I've seen some blood, but I'm not gonna go sticking my hand in my own blood. I don't know how you ladies do it," that's what he always says.

Well, I'm with him on that one. Ew. Seriously.

2005-06-23T15:03:00.000-04:00

Yes, hi. This is Leah calling. I need to update my appointment?

Yeah, it was scheduled for next Friday, but I'm wondering if we can move it up?

Well, that thing that between my two back teeth seems to keep growing. Before it was like just a little bump, but now it's like a huge sore. It's red and kind of oozing, and it bleeds whenever I brush my teeth.

Yes, very painful.

I have been. I swish and gargle with salt water and when I spit it out, it always looks like there's little bits of, I don't know, something yellowish in it?

Really? Great. Because I thought, they probably won't be able to see me. But then I thought, let me just try to call. I'm glad he can see me sooner. Because this thing, it's really getting pretty gross.

2005-06-22T10:31:00.000-04:00

Joanne, I love your little desk cooler!

Isn't it just too much, Joni? It looks just like a big water cooler, but it's mini size, see? You know how they say, you're supposed to drink eight glasses of water a day, eight glasses. But if it's not right there in front of you, you just don't think about it. So when you have this right in front of you, then you can see how much you've already drank, and how much you still have left to drink. To get your full eight glasses.

That is a terriffic idea!

Because before, I was drinking maybe three glasses or four, but now I can really see how much water I'm drinking.

Everyone should have one of those. I think I'll put it in as an official suggestion!

Joni, that is not a bad idea. Because it really is important to drink your eight glasses, but I don't think most people really do. I know I didn't, before I got my little miniature water cooler. But now I can see exactly how much I've already had, and how much is left for the day. So you can pace yourself. I say to myself, Joanne, are you drinking enough water? And instead of wondering, now I can just look right up at my little cooler.

That is super.

Of course, now I have to go five times a day. You know, go. But I think it's healthier that way. Keep things moving! That's what I always say. I always say, "I have to go water the flowers now." That's what I call it. I don't like to say "go to the bathroom," so I say I'm "watering the flowers."

Oh, Joanne. That is too much. I love it! Okay, I'm going to see about getting more of those. Keep drinking that water!

Oh, I am! Two down, six glasses left to go!

2005-06-21T13:07:00.000-04:00

Well? Leah?

Joni, oh my god, I am freaking out.

Okay, I brought you a cup of my secret special blend. So you can relax, and let's figure this out. What's going on?

Oh my god, I'm not even sure. Does this have sugar in it?

Shh, shh, it's a secret blend. You'll like it! Just try it!

Okay, because I really can't have sugar.

No problem!

I'm serious. Sugar makes me get all bloated, then I crash. Like a total sugar crash. Like, last week, I got home and I was kind of tired and my boyfriend totally asked if I had sugar. He was like, "Leah, did you have sugar?" Because I was all out of it. Oh my god, my boyfriend! Joni!

Okay, just tell me about it. I'm sure it's going to be okay. What you two have can't be torn apart by just sugar.

I know, totally. But his ex-wife keeps sneaking around there. This weekend she came over while I was there and just walked in with her own keys like she still lived there! I was so freaked out. I was like, "what is she doing here?" And she was like, "what is she doing here?" And he was like, "Just shut up, the both of yous!"

Oh, my god, Leah.

So she's like, "Get out of my house!" Like it's even still her house. And I'm like "Whatever!" And she's like, picking up her cellphone like she's going to call someone, and my boyfriend is like, "Okay, okay, everyone just relax." Because what's she going to do? Call the cops? He's already a cop! Duh. So, I'm like, "Fine, I'm leaving." And I totally just leave.

Good for you! Did he come running after you?

No, that's when she pretends suddenly like she's having stomach pains, so of course, since she's pregnant, he's all, like, trying to take care of her. So I just left, and now I don't know what's going on.

Oh! You haven't talked since?

No, we talk. Please. I'd kill him if he didn't call. But sometimes I just feel like he's not serious enough about this. Like, why does she still have his keys? Why does she still have all her stuff there?

I'm sure it's just a process. It takes time. Like, with my fiance, it took time before we moved in together.

So, you guys have fights and all that, too?

Oh, no! We never fight. He loves me too much. Oh. But that doesn't mean your boyfriend doesn't love you! Everyone loves differently. Have some more of my coffee!

2005-06-20T13:00:00.000-04:00

Hey, MG. Can I borrow your glue gun? Right away?

Roger. Why would I have a glue gun?

You don't have one?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes?

Oh.

Why do you need a glue gun, anyway?

Nothing. Nevermind. Oh! Wait, can I have some gum? Like, a lot?

2005-06-17T16:02:00.000-04:00

Hey, Vinnie. Plans for the weekend?

Oh, MG. I mostly just take it easy these days. A friend's gallery show is closing, they're having a little reception. I'll probably stop by.

That sounds nice. A glass of wine, a little artsy shmoozing?

MG, you know I don't drink anymore. Or maybe you don't know.

Gosh, Vin, that's right. I did know that. I'm sorry.

No, girlyfriend, don't be sorry. It's not a big deal. There was a time, though! I would have been the star of that little gallery reception.

Heh. I'll bet.

Not in a good way, though. It seemed fun at the time, and let me tell you, I thought I was the star of the arty party universe. I thought I was having fun – I was having fun, for a while. Now I realize, everyone but me could tell what a miserable catastrophe I was. Kind of like Alana.

Really? You think Alana has a problem? I never noticed.

Not like that. I mean the way she is with rationing office supplies. Feelings of invincibility and delusions of grandeur a go go.

Ha. Too true. Alright, Vin. Have a good weekend. Go easy on the seltzer.

2005-06-16T10:42:00.000-04:00

Come in? Come in!

MG.

Good morning, Alana. How are you?

MG, you can't leave this door closed.

I had just pulled it shut for a second to-- Alana, I can't?

No. You can't.

And that is because...?

Did you have a particular reason for keeping it closed?

Yeah, it gets really noisy sometimes. I can hear everyone's conversations from the cubicles, and I can hear people playing their voicemail on speaker phone. I just needed it a little quieter.

Well, you have to have a good reason to shut the door. Like if you had a run in your stockings and you had to change them. But you don't even wear stockings, do you? You don't want to hear other people's conversations is not a reason.

Well, if people didn't play their voicemail on speaker phone, over and over, I wouldn't even think about it. But everyone's voices--

You've barely had this office for two months and you already think you're better than everyone else.

Alana! I don't think I'm better than--

I'm just trying to help you, anyway. Abusing a privilege that you don't even deserve isn't going to help you make friends around here, you know.

2005-06-15T10:51:00.000-04:00

Good morning, Winkyshock.

No, there's nobody by that name here.

No, this is not a private residence, it's a corporation. Winkyshock.

There is no employee by that name here.

Hm. No, her husband wouldn't be available, either.

2005-06-14T09:45:00.000-04:00

Joni, I am ultra freaking out. Did you hear the message my boyfriend left me?

No. What did he say? Oh my god, Leah, is everything okay with you guys?

Okay, do you want to hear the message?

Of course!

No, I'll just tell you. He was like, "hi, give me a call when you get a chance."

Okay? Wait, Leah, how did he say it?

I know! That's it, right? Because, earlier, I called him, and his wife totally answered his cell phone.

Oh, my god! What is she doing there?

I know! He told me they're not together any more! And I was like, "Excuse me? I thought you weren't together any more!" And he tried to play it off like she had just showed up, like, "She just came over, I couldn't help it!"

Well, maybe she did.

But irregardless! I told him, I said, "If she just shows up, you just tell her to leave! What's hard about that?" And he gets all like, trying to blame it on the kid, who she always brings along to make him feel guilty, and now since she's pregnant--

Leah, she's pregnant? How did that happen?

I know! That just proves she's a little whore, cheating on him. Because he hasn't slept with her in like, forever. That's what he says. He says, "I have not touched that woman in the longest." So, it's all crazy. And then he leaves that message, so what am I supposed to think, right?

Of course right! I think you should teach him a lesson about how you should treat people. Definitely don't call him back right away.

2005-06-13T09:34:00.000-04:00

Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.

Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.

Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.

Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.

Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.

Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.