Thursday, July 08, 2004
attention all employees:
we are pleased to announce the phase-in of the roll-out of "day 2" of our signature employee wellness program, "offee coffee."
"addict" is a word we aren't using with judgment (in this case) but with concern. after a series of consultations with various accredited consultants, management has been advised and realizes that asking a long-term addict to give up their "jones" cold turkey is akin to asking a football team to give up their quarterback. therefore, in a calculated maneuver, we have chosen to allow certain indiscretions to slip.
management is aware that some employees have fed the "monkeys" on their "backs" under the radar by drinking their "liquid life" out of thermoses, while others have flaunted our new guidelines indiscriminantly, despite the knowledge that they exist for their own benefit.
so we have divised a modified step-by-step plan, under the name of "step-off(ee) coffee". our consultanting team advised us that many addicts find that the first cup of the day is the hardest to cut out. instead of cutting it out, you will now be permitted to "step it down". going forward, employees may start drinking your "commuter crack" on the subway and outside the building. when you get to you're workspace, simply take whatever "paper cup cannibis" is leftover, and pour it into the receptacles that you'll find conveniently located in each connection lounge.* on the advice of our consultants, you will find that they are clearly designated. as the amount of stale coffee in them builds up over the course of the week, you will be clearly able to visualize all that sludge inside your body, and will realize the harm that we are preventing you from.
the take home message here is that as a corporation, winkyshock inc cares. we are here to help you help yourself come to the right answer to the question george michael asked in his hit song: do you love your "monkey" or do you love winky(shock)?
_______
*formerly "coffee room"
we are pleased to announce the phase-in of the roll-out of "day 2" of our signature employee wellness program, "offee coffee."
"addict" is a word we aren't using with judgment (in this case) but with concern. after a series of consultations with various accredited consultants, management has been advised and realizes that asking a long-term addict to give up their "jones" cold turkey is akin to asking a football team to give up their quarterback. therefore, in a calculated maneuver, we have chosen to allow certain indiscretions to slip.
management is aware that some employees have fed the "monkeys" on their "backs" under the radar by drinking their "liquid life" out of thermoses, while others have flaunted our new guidelines indiscriminantly, despite the knowledge that they exist for their own benefit.
so we have divised a modified step-by-step plan, under the name of "step-off(ee) coffee". our consultanting team advised us that many addicts find that the first cup of the day is the hardest to cut out. instead of cutting it out, you will now be permitted to "step it down". going forward, employees may start drinking your "commuter crack" on the subway and outside the building. when you get to you're workspace, simply take whatever "paper cup cannibis" is leftover, and pour it into the receptacles that you'll find conveniently located in each connection lounge.* on the advice of our consultants, you will find that they are clearly designated. as the amount of stale coffee in them builds up over the course of the week, you will be clearly able to visualize all that sludge inside your body, and will realize the harm that we are preventing you from.
the take home message here is that as a corporation, winkyshock inc cares. we are here to help you help yourself come to the right answer to the question george michael asked in his hit song: do you love your "monkey" or do you love winky(shock)?
_______
*formerly "coffee room"
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