Friday, February 25, 2005
Oh, hello, MG. Running a little behind schedule today?
Hi. I thought I was right on time.
That's okay. Well, let's see. How are you doing? You're here for an Employee Satisfaction Consultation, right? So, how are you feeling about everything here?
Um, okay, I guess.
Any concerns you'd like to bring up?
Well, um--
Good. Because a few little things have come to our attention. But that's what HR is here for, to deal with these things. So you should look at this in a positive way, since it means that everything is working the way it's supposed to.
Hm.
Well, on the corporate side, everything is working the way it's supposed to. On your side, hm. Let's see. Your computer has come to our attention.
Yes, it does actually run a little slow. I've been putting in requests for a new one every year--
Right. Can you think of a reason why it might be running slow? Do you have anything downloaded on it that you shouldn't?
I don't think so.
Like, for example, photographs?
Oh. Maybe a few.
It says here that you're using a personal photograph as your computer wallpaper. Let's see, "niece and puppy," is the notation I have here.
Oh. Well, yes, but--
We encourage individual expression, of course, that's why the computers come pre-loaded with a variety of sample photos you can use. Landscapes, patterns, I'm sure there are some of children and animals, too, if that's the sort of thing you like. You see, it's the time you use to download personal pictures and set them up that's an issue. And the company's memory space. And speaking of time, we're showing that you have two different instant messaging programs downloaded, in addition to the system you're supposed to use to notify your supervisors of phone calls and such?
There might be, yeah, IM stuff that was on there.
Right. I'm sure you're aware that extramural instant messaging is not an acceptable use of your time - the company's time. Also, there's a notation here that you were listening to music on headphones.
Oh. Um, yeah. With the construction on our floor--
I'm sure you are aware that there's a capital improvement program going on throughout the entire facility. Now, what would happen if everybody wore headphones when they were affected by a little of our 'growing pains' noise?
Um.
You see? It's preposterous. So, in essence, the conclusion here is that your Employee Satisfaction Rating right now is not satisfactory. What we're going to do right now is, for the amount of time that we estimate you've been, in essence, 'absent' from work between unauthorized instant messaging, music listening, and let's see, I have a notation here about excessive smoking and bathroom breaks, we're going to deduct from your next two paychecks.
But--
We're not taking any punitive action beyond that, since this is, in essence, a warning. That's what HR is here for, to take care of these little problems before they become big problems.
Hm.
Oh, also, your computer activity will be sporadically monitored from now on.
Monitored? Is that, can you, are you sure that's even legal?
Oh, yes. It absolutely is legal. And you should consider yourself lucky I'm even telling you, MG. The company is not required to give notification of employee computer monitoring. Since, of course, all activities performed on company equipment on company time are, in essence, company property. It's all in the employee handbook, which I strongly recommend you review. So, do you have any more questions, now?
I guess not. In essence.
Wonderful. And don't worry, no further pay will be deducted for the time you spent here with me today. You'll just have to, of course, make it up at the end of the day.
Hi. I thought I was right on time.
That's okay. Well, let's see. How are you doing? You're here for an Employee Satisfaction Consultation, right? So, how are you feeling about everything here?
Um, okay, I guess.
Any concerns you'd like to bring up?
Well, um--
Good. Because a few little things have come to our attention. But that's what HR is here for, to deal with these things. So you should look at this in a positive way, since it means that everything is working the way it's supposed to.
Hm.
Well, on the corporate side, everything is working the way it's supposed to. On your side, hm. Let's see. Your computer has come to our attention.
Yes, it does actually run a little slow. I've been putting in requests for a new one every year--
Right. Can you think of a reason why it might be running slow? Do you have anything downloaded on it that you shouldn't?
I don't think so.
Like, for example, photographs?
Oh. Maybe a few.
It says here that you're using a personal photograph as your computer wallpaper. Let's see, "niece and puppy," is the notation I have here.
Oh. Well, yes, but--
We encourage individual expression, of course, that's why the computers come pre-loaded with a variety of sample photos you can use. Landscapes, patterns, I'm sure there are some of children and animals, too, if that's the sort of thing you like. You see, it's the time you use to download personal pictures and set them up that's an issue. And the company's memory space. And speaking of time, we're showing that you have two different instant messaging programs downloaded, in addition to the system you're supposed to use to notify your supervisors of phone calls and such?
There might be, yeah, IM stuff that was on there.
Right. I'm sure you're aware that extramural instant messaging is not an acceptable use of your time - the company's time. Also, there's a notation here that you were listening to music on headphones.
Oh. Um, yeah. With the construction on our floor--
I'm sure you are aware that there's a capital improvement program going on throughout the entire facility. Now, what would happen if everybody wore headphones when they were affected by a little of our 'growing pains' noise?
Um.
You see? It's preposterous. So, in essence, the conclusion here is that your Employee Satisfaction Rating right now is not satisfactory. What we're going to do right now is, for the amount of time that we estimate you've been, in essence, 'absent' from work between unauthorized instant messaging, music listening, and let's see, I have a notation here about excessive smoking and bathroom breaks, we're going to deduct from your next two paychecks.
But--
We're not taking any punitive action beyond that, since this is, in essence, a warning. That's what HR is here for, to take care of these little problems before they become big problems.
Hm.
Oh, also, your computer activity will be sporadically monitored from now on.
Monitored? Is that, can you, are you sure that's even legal?
Oh, yes. It absolutely is legal. And you should consider yourself lucky I'm even telling you, MG. The company is not required to give notification of employee computer monitoring. Since, of course, all activities performed on company equipment on company time are, in essence, company property. It's all in the employee handbook, which I strongly recommend you review. So, do you have any more questions, now?
I guess not. In essence.
Wonderful. And don't worry, no further pay will be deducted for the time you spent here with me today. You'll just have to, of course, make it up at the end of the day.
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