Friday, April 30, 2004
this is ridiculous! why won't they tell us what's going on?
i don't really care. i'm happy to get outside into the sun. do you have a light?
no! i don't smoke! but what's going on? aren't you worried?
not really. glad to be away from my desk. needed a smoke anyway.
but what if there's a bomb or something?
then i guess we won't be able to come in on monday.
are those police going into the building!?
police or a bunch of lost male strippers... i'm gonna pop into that convenience store and get a lighter. see you in a minute.
i don't really care. i'm happy to get outside into the sun. do you have a light?
no! i don't smoke! but what's going on? aren't you worried?
not really. glad to be away from my desk. needed a smoke anyway.
but what if there's a bomb or something?
then i guess we won't be able to come in on monday.
are those police going into the building!?
police or a bunch of lost male strippers... i'm gonna pop into that convenience store and get a lighter. see you in a minute.
attention all employees:
you are being asked to please vacate the building in a calm and orderly fashion at this time. since there is absolutely no cause for concern, please move toward the nearest exit calmly, but in an efficient manner. all employees are expected to excute this order with the clarity and sense of purpose that we here at winkyshock bring to all our enterprises. there is no need to panic, repeat, no need to panic. please do not try to take anything with you, the implemented procedure will be that you leave your workstation immediately. please remain in the immediate vicinity of the building, inside the barricaded area. you are encouraged to use this as an opportunity to network with your fellow employees. immediately. but without panicking. thank you.
you are being asked to please vacate the building in a calm and orderly fashion at this time. since there is absolutely no cause for concern, please move toward the nearest exit calmly, but in an efficient manner. all employees are expected to excute this order with the clarity and sense of purpose that we here at winkyshock bring to all our enterprises. there is no need to panic, repeat, no need to panic. please do not try to take anything with you, the implemented procedure will be that you leave your workstation immediately. please remain in the immediate vicinity of the building, inside the barricaded area. you are encouraged to use this as an opportunity to network with your fellow employees. immediately. but without panicking. thank you.
mr. varges, i need to speak with you about your facilities people in my--
yes, varge, that's what i said. varge. now mr. varge, the issue at hand is that i went into our ladies' room and found that not only did the lights barely work, but that there were men in there.
yes, i understand that they were "fixing the lights" but what i need you to understand, mr. varges, is that that is the ladies' room. we can not be expected to stand for walking in there and finding men up on ladders. particularly when the room is dangerously darkened as it was.
no, now i am not accusing your men of anything. but it is inappropriate, and i demand that, going forward, it not happen again. and for godsake, get those lights fixed immediately!
mr. varges, what i "propose" is that it would be your job to answer that question, not mine.
yes, varge, that's what i said. varge. now mr. varge, the issue at hand is that i went into our ladies' room and found that not only did the lights barely work, but that there were men in there.
yes, i understand that they were "fixing the lights" but what i need you to understand, mr. varges, is that that is the ladies' room. we can not be expected to stand for walking in there and finding men up on ladders. particularly when the room is dangerously darkened as it was.
no, now i am not accusing your men of anything. but it is inappropriate, and i demand that, going forward, it not happen again. and for godsake, get those lights fixed immediately!
mr. varges, what i "propose" is that it would be your job to answer that question, not mine.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
hey, hey! hump day!
hey.
hey, it's hump day!
sure. hey. what's up?
nothing! just wanted to stop by and say hey! it's hump day! ya know why they call it that?
because it's the middle day of the week and once it's past you're "over the hump" and the week is almost done?
no! it's because-- oh. is that why? huh. oh. bummer.
hey.
hey, it's hump day!
sure. hey. what's up?
nothing! just wanted to stop by and say hey! it's hump day! ya know why they call it that?
because it's the middle day of the week and once it's past you're "over the hump" and the week is almost done?
no! it's because-- oh. is that why? huh. oh. bummer.
hello, mr. varge? hi, i have nina here who'd like to talk to you, may i put her through?
nina, mr. varge is on the line, he'll speak with you now.
no, he'll speak with me when i'm ready!
didn't you just ask me to get him on the phone?
i said i'll speak with him when i'm ready! he'll have to call back.
but you asked --
i do not see where there is any confusion here. i'm in the middle of something very important here and will call varges back when i can.
but it's you who called-- i mean on your behalf you asked me to call--
am i being somehow unclear? now i don't know what you're doing still on the phone when there are things i need you to be doing for me.
um, mr. varge? i'm sorry. would you mind if nina gave you a call back a little later? no, there's no problem. i mean, not that you can help with. thank you. bye.
nina, mr. varge is on the line, he'll speak with you now.
no, he'll speak with me when i'm ready!
didn't you just ask me to get him on the phone?
i said i'll speak with him when i'm ready! he'll have to call back.
but you asked --
i do not see where there is any confusion here. i'm in the middle of something very important here and will call varges back when i can.
but it's you who called-- i mean on your behalf you asked me to call--
am i being somehow unclear? now i don't know what you're doing still on the phone when there are things i need you to be doing for me.
um, mr. varge? i'm sorry. would you mind if nina gave you a call back a little later? no, there's no problem. i mean, not that you can help with. thank you. bye.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
why are there men in the ladies' room?
oh, they were fixing the lights.
but why are there men in the ladies' room?
they're the workmen. they were trying to fix the lights.
i understand that! but when i walk into the ladies' room after a long day of work, i do not expect to see men! it's bad enough we have to piss in stalls like cattle and then line up at a row of sinks like so many pigs at a trough. civilized companies have private facilities. completely unacceptable. i want you to get me varges on the phone.
ok, but, for what it's worth, i think his name is edward varge. and they were very polite and stepped out as soon as --
they wouldn't have to step out if they weren't in! varges. now.
ok, sure.
oh, they were fixing the lights.
but why are there men in the ladies' room?
they're the workmen. they were trying to fix the lights.
i understand that! but when i walk into the ladies' room after a long day of work, i do not expect to see men! it's bad enough we have to piss in stalls like cattle and then line up at a row of sinks like so many pigs at a trough. civilized companies have private facilities. completely unacceptable. i want you to get me varges on the phone.
ok, but, for what it's worth, i think his name is edward varge. and they were very polite and stepped out as soon as --
they wouldn't have to step out if they weren't in! varges. now.
ok, sure.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
oh... hello.
oh, sorry, ma'am. we're just trying to get these lights fixed for y'all.
thank you. that's great. we were wondering how long it would be dark in here! should i go use another - -
no, that's fine, ma'am, we'll just step right outside. just be careful ducking under the ladder here.
sure.
oh, and ma'am? be careful not to touch any of the bare wires that are hangin' out. we sure wouldn't want you to get electrocuted!
we sure wouldn't. thank you.
oh, sorry, ma'am. we're just trying to get these lights fixed for y'all.
thank you. that's great. we were wondering how long it would be dark in here! should i go use another - -
no, that's fine, ma'am, we'll just step right outside. just be careful ducking under the ladder here.
sure.
oh, and ma'am? be careful not to touch any of the bare wires that are hangin' out. we sure wouldn't want you to get electrocuted!
we sure wouldn't. thank you.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
hey, did you order your plants yet?
i guess so.
what do you mean, guess?
did you look at the order sheet?
no, it didn't make it to my block of cubicles yet. why?
it's not much of a choice. you can get a little philodendron in a little cup, or ivy, or african violets.
those are nice, right? especially african violets. and i think they can all live with only flourescent light.
that's the thing, they don't "live" at all. they chose all shade plants, which makes sense, but they're all fake!
no, no, they're supposed to be live. they said they chose ones that could live in office conditions.
i know that's what they said, but on the order form it says they're "incredibly life-like." so they specifically chose fake versions of the kind of plants that would work if they were real.
maybe that's because if they got fake ones that wouldn't live if they were real, they'd look really fake. but if they're fake ones that could be real, then it looks like they're live.
but if they're all ones that could live, why didn't they just let us get real ones like they said?
well i don't know. i'm sure they had a good reason. maybe they were afraid they'd die.
i guess so.
what do you mean, guess?
did you look at the order sheet?
no, it didn't make it to my block of cubicles yet. why?
it's not much of a choice. you can get a little philodendron in a little cup, or ivy, or african violets.
those are nice, right? especially african violets. and i think they can all live with only flourescent light.
that's the thing, they don't "live" at all. they chose all shade plants, which makes sense, but they're all fake!
no, no, they're supposed to be live. they said they chose ones that could live in office conditions.
i know that's what they said, but on the order form it says they're "incredibly life-like." so they specifically chose fake versions of the kind of plants that would work if they were real.
maybe that's because if they got fake ones that wouldn't live if they were real, they'd look really fake. but if they're fake ones that could be real, then it looks like they're live.
but if they're all ones that could live, why didn't they just let us get real ones like they said?
well i don't know. i'm sure they had a good reason. maybe they were afraid they'd die.
Monday, April 19, 2004
jeez, it's dark in here!
i know!
so, we just have the dim back-up lights, but the vent is on like triple strength.
right, kind of a bathroom/wind tunnel effect.
it sounds like we're in a jet bathroom. we can at least pretend we're in a plane on our way to vacation.
ha. how the hell do you make the new sinks work?
you just put your hands under and wait.
i'm waiting.
kind of wave them a little.
shit, of course it came on when my hand was right under the spout. dammit, water all over my slacks.
too bad it's not as dark out there as in here, no one could see it.
i say too bad we're not actually on a jet.
i know!
so, we just have the dim back-up lights, but the vent is on like triple strength.
right, kind of a bathroom/wind tunnel effect.
it sounds like we're in a jet bathroom. we can at least pretend we're in a plane on our way to vacation.
ha. how the hell do you make the new sinks work?
you just put your hands under and wait.
i'm waiting.
kind of wave them a little.
shit, of course it came on when my hand was right under the spout. dammit, water all over my slacks.
too bad it's not as dark out there as in here, no one could see it.
i say too bad we're not actually on a jet.
Friday, April 16, 2004
attention all employees:
we are pleased to announce our newest employee enjoyment initiative, "It's Blooming!"
all employees will have the option of choosing, free of charge, one (1) plant from a catalog that will be passed around for the purpose of beautifying and personalizing their working spaces.
upper management has, over the course of several meetings involving consultations with several external consultants, carefully chosen a selection of plants that can thrive in a low-light, low-moisture, high electromagnetic radiation environment.
it's just one of the personal touches that we like to think makes winkyshock feel less like a group of people in an office, and more like a home. a home for the entire group, a group home. now back to work.
we are pleased to announce our newest employee enjoyment initiative, "It's Blooming!"
all employees will have the option of choosing, free of charge, one (1) plant from a catalog that will be passed around for the purpose of beautifying and personalizing their working spaces.
upper management has, over the course of several meetings involving consultations with several external consultants, carefully chosen a selection of plants that can thrive in a low-light, low-moisture, high electromagnetic radiation environment.
it's just one of the personal touches that we like to think makes winkyshock feel less like a group of people in an office, and more like a home. a home for the entire group, a group home. now back to work.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
check it out! the new coffee maker's finally here!
oh, gosh. how do you use that thing?
you pop these little single-serving cups of coffee grounds in here, stick a cup underneath, and press the button to brew. you kind of have to squeeze them in sideways a little to make the cups they gave us fit, but - there, look! you can get it. or, the styrofoam ones fit fine.
i didn't know anyone still used styrofoam cups. i thought they went out in the eighties with baby-seal clubbing.
i saw on the news that they're clubbing the baby seals again! so maybe both are back.
great. anyway, i usually drink tea. i don't see a hot water dispenser.
there is one. it's just... over here. kind of wedged against the fridge. there's a slot for it here, too, though. i'm sure they'll flip it around to the other side so we can reach it soon.
yeah, i'm sure.
oh, gosh. how do you use that thing?
you pop these little single-serving cups of coffee grounds in here, stick a cup underneath, and press the button to brew. you kind of have to squeeze them in sideways a little to make the cups they gave us fit, but - there, look! you can get it. or, the styrofoam ones fit fine.
i didn't know anyone still used styrofoam cups. i thought they went out in the eighties with baby-seal clubbing.
i saw on the news that they're clubbing the baby seals again! so maybe both are back.
great. anyway, i usually drink tea. i don't see a hot water dispenser.
there is one. it's just... over here. kind of wedged against the fridge. there's a slot for it here, too, though. i'm sure they'll flip it around to the other side so we can reach it soon.
yeah, i'm sure.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
ok, i guess we'll go ahead and get started here. ok, so, first, um, to put in the number of copies - everyone probably knows this, but you just punch 'em in here, the number you want. you choose your paper size here, you can even get it to automatically change the size. like if you want to reduce from legal to letter size, that's this button. it sets the percentage reduction, 64%, automatically. now, if you want it to collate--
excuse me, i think we're all actually pretty familiar with the basic functions. we've had this machine for a while here. i think we were hoping you'd go over some of the new, more advanced functions - the scanning, the faxing?
yeah, me too.
yeah, that's what i was hoping also.
ok, well, i don't think your machine is set up for scanning or faxing.
no, they told us it was going to be networked so we could do those. isn't that why they set up this session?
yeah, accounting's machine can scan and fax. can't it? and legal, too, right?
mm hmm. my friend is in personnel and they can scan and fax from their copier. why can't ours?
ok, ladies, ladies. i'm just the trainer. xerox just sends me out to train people on how to use the machines. i can't get involved in what department has what or who doesn't or anything. i can just tell you how to use the features you do have. like, does everyone know how to control the darkness or lightness of the image?
yes! we've seriously had this machine for three years! why did they set up a training session now if they didn't add any new features? and why do other departments have better machines?
it's not just copiers, either! the legal department, you can go right into the supply cabinet, you don't have to get the key from anyone.
i heard that human resources has an espresso machine in their break room!
stop playing!
i'm for real! and they have two half gallons of every kind of milk - half n' half, skim, everything.
and all we get is that gully old machine and powdered creamer?
i heard they get potted orchids in every office of corporate real estate.
ok, um, excuse me, if we could get back to the machine, are we all familiar with the staple function? i can show you how to adjust the placement of the staple for different orientated--
we're fine with stapling. i don't need this. i'm going back to work.
yeah, me too.
mm hmm. this was not necessary.
ok, well, if anyone wants me to demonstrate the, ok, well, bye then.
excuse me, i think we're all actually pretty familiar with the basic functions. we've had this machine for a while here. i think we were hoping you'd go over some of the new, more advanced functions - the scanning, the faxing?
yeah, me too.
yeah, that's what i was hoping also.
ok, well, i don't think your machine is set up for scanning or faxing.
no, they told us it was going to be networked so we could do those. isn't that why they set up this session?
yeah, accounting's machine can scan and fax. can't it? and legal, too, right?
mm hmm. my friend is in personnel and they can scan and fax from their copier. why can't ours?
ok, ladies, ladies. i'm just the trainer. xerox just sends me out to train people on how to use the machines. i can't get involved in what department has what or who doesn't or anything. i can just tell you how to use the features you do have. like, does everyone know how to control the darkness or lightness of the image?
yes! we've seriously had this machine for three years! why did they set up a training session now if they didn't add any new features? and why do other departments have better machines?
it's not just copiers, either! the legal department, you can go right into the supply cabinet, you don't have to get the key from anyone.
i heard that human resources has an espresso machine in their break room!
stop playing!
i'm for real! and they have two half gallons of every kind of milk - half n' half, skim, everything.
and all we get is that gully old machine and powdered creamer?
i heard they get potted orchids in every office of corporate real estate.
ok, um, excuse me, if we could get back to the machine, are we all familiar with the staple function? i can show you how to adjust the placement of the staple for different orientated--
we're fine with stapling. i don't need this. i'm going back to work.
yeah, me too.
mm hmm. this was not necessary.
ok, well, if anyone wants me to demonstrate the, ok, well, bye then.
Friday, April 09, 2004
attention all employees:
there will be training sessions on using the copy machines on each floor today. please check the schedule posted on your copy room door and be sure to attend at your scheduled time. it is very important that you go, not only to learn how to use the advanced functions on these state-of-the-art machines, but also to foster the sense of community that we work so hard to build. we like to think of this as part photocopying training, part outward bound.
there will be training sessions on using the copy machines on each floor today. please check the schedule posted on your copy room door and be sure to attend at your scheduled time. it is very important that you go, not only to learn how to use the advanced functions on these state-of-the-art machines, but also to foster the sense of community that we work so hard to build. we like to think of this as part photocopying training, part outward bound.
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