Friday, October 29, 2004
oh, leah, i heard that from across the work space all day and i just had to come over and see what it was. isn't that just darling!
thanks, joanne. isn't it? my boyfriend had it sent to the office with a basket of chocolates because he says i'm so sweet. isn't that adorable? he is so adorable.
ooh, isn't that sweet! press the stomach again!
i know! ha, listen to that! i can't get over it. look, if you hold the button down for a minute, it plays over and over. i told my boyfriend it totally looks just like him when he wakes up in the morning. i always kid with him like that. he says i should be a comedian.
mg, look! did you see the cackling zombie doll that leah's boyfriend sent her? isn't it just too much?
oh, yes. it certainly is.
thanks, joanne. isn't it? my boyfriend had it sent to the office with a basket of chocolates because he says i'm so sweet. isn't that adorable? he is so adorable.
ooh, isn't that sweet! press the stomach again!
i know! ha, listen to that! i can't get over it. look, if you hold the button down for a minute, it plays over and over. i told my boyfriend it totally looks just like him when he wakes up in the morning. i always kid with him like that. he says i should be a comedian.
mg, look! did you see the cackling zombie doll that leah's boyfriend sent her? isn't it just too much?
oh, yes. it certainly is.
mg! good news! i went out to grab a sandwich, and when i came back in, the pumpkin was refilled.
really? did you bring me chocolate?
well, no. but i have a little orange bag of 'halloween pretzels' for you.
somehow, that's worse than nothing.
really? did you bring me chocolate?
well, no. but i have a little orange bag of 'halloween pretzels' for you.
somehow, that's worse than nothing.
boo! happy sort-of halloween, mg.
hey, jay. it's off to a disappointing start already.
you were hoping i'd come in drag?
ha. always. but beyond that. you saw that big trick-or-treat pumpkin by the elevators, that said 'happy halloween from your property management company' or whatever?
yep.
for like half a second i got my hopes up that there would be a twix or a reese's or a few hershey's kisses or something. i just had time to think that a little fun-size chocolate bar would make the morning bearable before i got close enough to see that the stupid pumpkin was empty.
aww.
so even though i hadn't even considered candy for breakfast, now i feel like someone stole a chocolate bar right out of my hands.
hey, jay. it's off to a disappointing start already.
you were hoping i'd come in drag?
ha. always. but beyond that. you saw that big trick-or-treat pumpkin by the elevators, that said 'happy halloween from your property management company' or whatever?
yep.
for like half a second i got my hopes up that there would be a twix or a reese's or a few hershey's kisses or something. i just had time to think that a little fun-size chocolate bar would make the morning bearable before i got close enough to see that the stupid pumpkin was empty.
aww.
so even though i hadn't even considered candy for breakfast, now i feel like someone stole a chocolate bar right out of my hands.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
i just assumed you guys were on the quarter system or something.
nah.
no. classes actually started a month ago.
but you stayed here.
yup.
uh huh.
it's your own business, but do you mind if i ask why?
i had visa problems. i was actually supposed to go back to guyana to get it renewed, but i didn't know it. because the letter that said so got sent to my old address. by the time my old roommate got around to telling me there was a pile of mail there, the deadline had already actually passed. so if i leave the states now, i won't be able to come back. and the school won't let me in til i actually get it renewed.
yeah, my f-- uh, my stupid roommate screwed me over, too. he hoovered the last three months' rent up his nose, so i had to cover it so the landlord wouldn't kick our sorry-- um, kick us out. then the school decided i wasn't eligible for the minority scholarship i had, so then all of a sudden i didn't have the tuition.
wow. wait, you were getting a minority scholarship?
yeah, same as this DARP sh-- er, thing, i guess. the name 'kwesi washington' pops up on their lists and they ask me to apply for stuff, so i do. it's not like i'm lying, i just return their forms. it's not, like, my fault if they never get around to checking what i look like.
i always kind of wondered about your name.
yeah, my parents were all into civil rights when they were young.
so, how did the school find out?
someone saw my picture in the paper from this Mayflower Society thing i went to.
nah.
no. classes actually started a month ago.
but you stayed here.
yup.
uh huh.
it's your own business, but do you mind if i ask why?
i had visa problems. i was actually supposed to go back to guyana to get it renewed, but i didn't know it. because the letter that said so got sent to my old address. by the time my old roommate got around to telling me there was a pile of mail there, the deadline had already actually passed. so if i leave the states now, i won't be able to come back. and the school won't let me in til i actually get it renewed.
yeah, my f-- uh, my stupid roommate screwed me over, too. he hoovered the last three months' rent up his nose, so i had to cover it so the landlord wouldn't kick our sorry-- um, kick us out. then the school decided i wasn't eligible for the minority scholarship i had, so then all of a sudden i didn't have the tuition.
wow. wait, you were getting a minority scholarship?
yeah, same as this DARP sh-- er, thing, i guess. the name 'kwesi washington' pops up on their lists and they ask me to apply for stuff, so i do. it's not like i'm lying, i just return their forms. it's not, like, my fault if they never get around to checking what i look like.
i always kind of wondered about your name.
yeah, my parents were all into civil rights when they were young.
so, how did the school find out?
someone saw my picture in the paper from this Mayflower Society thing i went to.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
looking cheerful as ever, mg. everything alright?
ugh, jay, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do.
ah, you know, look busy, keep all conversation inane, duck into the bathroom when you see the boss coming...
no, i know in general, i mean i actually don't know what i'm supposed to do about this DARP thing.
the interns?
yeah. nina came barging over here yesterday and asked me what they were doing. i thought i finally was on the right track with them on that - i had them doing some work that was mindless but not completely pointless and i started to explain that. not in so many words, of course. but she cuts me off and shrieks, 'no, no, what are they doing here! they're not supposed to be here!'
where are they s'posed to be?
search me. she said she'd already gone to some farewell dinner for DARPs and their mentors--
hmm, she went to that? didn't she force you to be in charge of them?
yeah. not that i care about some stupid dinner. but the kids should have gone, and they didn't even know about it either. and apparently they explained what happens next for them, but of course she didn't pay any attention to that - she said she 'presumed' that we were all 'sitting in the back somewhere, paying attention.'
even though she didn't tell you about it.
of course. it's bad enough these kids probably just had the most useless internship in history, but then she caps it all off, trying to put it into terms we can understand, i guess...
uh oh, not your favorite--
yep. she says, 'they've got to go. they're wasting our time pie!' then disappears.
in a puff of smoke?
that would explain the pointy shoes.
ugh, jay, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do.
ah, you know, look busy, keep all conversation inane, duck into the bathroom when you see the boss coming...
no, i know in general, i mean i actually don't know what i'm supposed to do about this DARP thing.
the interns?
yeah. nina came barging over here yesterday and asked me what they were doing. i thought i finally was on the right track with them on that - i had them doing some work that was mindless but not completely pointless and i started to explain that. not in so many words, of course. but she cuts me off and shrieks, 'no, no, what are they doing here! they're not supposed to be here!'
where are they s'posed to be?
search me. she said she'd already gone to some farewell dinner for DARPs and their mentors--
hmm, she went to that? didn't she force you to be in charge of them?
yeah. not that i care about some stupid dinner. but the kids should have gone, and they didn't even know about it either. and apparently they explained what happens next for them, but of course she didn't pay any attention to that - she said she 'presumed' that we were all 'sitting in the back somewhere, paying attention.'
even though she didn't tell you about it.
of course. it's bad enough these kids probably just had the most useless internship in history, but then she caps it all off, trying to put it into terms we can understand, i guess...
uh oh, not your favorite--
yep. she says, 'they've got to go. they're wasting our time pie!' then disappears.
in a puff of smoke?
that would explain the pointy shoes.
Friday, October 22, 2004
oh! what are you two doing here?
we're just cleaning out the file room.
just throwing out old file stuff.
no! i mean what are you doing here? why are you still here?
um,
uh,
you're not supposed to be here! DARP is over! didn't you go to the farewell dinner?
um, no.
i didn't hear about that.
Diversity-Augmentation-Retention-whatever-whatever is a summer initiative! fall is for internal staff improvement program identification. mg! where are you? i need you to take care of this!
we're just cleaning out the file room.
just throwing out old file stuff.
no! i mean what are you doing here? why are you still here?
um,
uh,
you're not supposed to be here! DARP is over! didn't you go to the farewell dinner?
um, no.
i didn't hear about that.
Diversity-Augmentation-Retention-whatever-whatever is a summer initiative! fall is for internal staff improvement program identification. mg! where are you? i need you to take care of this!
attention all employees:
all employees will be required to attend a strategy implementation session held next week by respective departments. teams will meet with specially trained external consultants being brought in to coach group-building exercises based on the groundbreaking management principals founded in 'slice your time pie...right!' so, bring your "appetites" and your cooperation for a thought-provoking slice of "team time pie."
now, back to work.
all employees will be required to attend a strategy implementation session held next week by respective departments. teams will meet with specially trained external consultants being brought in to coach group-building exercises based on the groundbreaking management principals founded in 'slice your time pie...right!' so, bring your "appetites" and your cooperation for a thought-provoking slice of "team time pie."
now, back to work.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
what's up with little miss sourpuss?
ah, vinnie, nothing in particular, the usu--
not you, mg. sweetie, you are reliably a sourpuss and you know i count on that. i mean miss la-di-da over there has been more like miss la-di-don't.
oh, alana? she has been kind of testy lately.
right? she's always been a little dry, but she was never all like hiss hiss like that. and wasn't she on vacation for, like, ever? you would think she'd be a little more serene. ohmmm?
i saw her get into it with poor old joanne yesterday.
what would make those two fight? they always get along like like two pees in a pond.
er, hm. it sounded like they were fighting over that book.
they were fighting over a book?
yeah, you know, that whole 'what color is my pie?' thing.
oh, that! mg, you know it's called 'slice your time pie...right!' right? and no wonder!
yeah, that kind of shit just brings out the inner third grader in everyone.
well, i don't know about that. but the book makes it so clear, since you mention it. joanne is a typical tangy fruit, and alana is more of a custard. really, it's a wonder they've tolerated each other this long, now that i think about it.
ah, vinnie, nothing in particular, the usu--
not you, mg. sweetie, you are reliably a sourpuss and you know i count on that. i mean miss la-di-da over there has been more like miss la-di-don't.
oh, alana? she has been kind of testy lately.
right? she's always been a little dry, but she was never all like hiss hiss like that. and wasn't she on vacation for, like, ever? you would think she'd be a little more serene. ohmmm?
i saw her get into it with poor old joanne yesterday.
what would make those two fight? they always get along like like two pees in a pond.
er, hm. it sounded like they were fighting over that book.
they were fighting over a book?
yeah, you know, that whole 'what color is my pie?' thing.
oh, that! mg, you know it's called 'slice your time pie...right!' right? and no wonder!
yeah, that kind of shit just brings out the inner third grader in everyone.
well, i don't know about that. but the book makes it so clear, since you mention it. joanne is a typical tangy fruit, and alana is more of a custard. really, it's a wonder they've tolerated each other this long, now that i think about it.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
now, alana, dear, i'm sure it's Rigor.
joanne, it's Respect!
no, no. Cooperation, Rigor, Unity--
it's not Cooperation! it's Communication! Communication, Respect--
well, if you really think about it, and, dear, believe me i have, it has to be Rigor. because what does your 'time pie' need to stay 'moist' and 'flakey?' it needs Rigor! that's what's just missing from too many of our efforts these days. now, when i first started out as a stenographer--
joanne, look, i don't want to be like, whatever about this, but the CRUST is Communication, then Respect, then the rest! i read it. i read it in the book. and i think a time pie can be perfectly flakey without Rigor.
well, if nothing else, i'm certain that it's not Communication, it's Cooper--
it is so Communication. it needs Communication, and it needs Respect. god, some people are just so retarded.
joanne, it's Respect!
no, no. Cooperation, Rigor, Unity--
it's not Cooperation! it's Communication! Communication, Respect--
well, if you really think about it, and, dear, believe me i have, it has to be Rigor. because what does your 'time pie' need to stay 'moist' and 'flakey?' it needs Rigor! that's what's just missing from too many of our efforts these days. now, when i first started out as a stenographer--
joanne, look, i don't want to be like, whatever about this, but the CRUST is Communication, then Respect, then the rest! i read it. i read it in the book. and i think a time pie can be perfectly flakey without Rigor.
well, if nothing else, i'm certain that it's not Communication, it's Cooper--
it is so Communication. it needs Communication, and it needs Respect. god, some people are just so retarded.
Monday, October 18, 2004
so that's it? just, back to work?
i guess.
we don't get an explanation, or some kind of reassurance that this isn't going to happen again?
guess not.
i don't know, jay. but doesn't it seem like if the office shuts down for four days someone should say something about it?
c'mon, mg, what did you expect?
i don't know. a blustery unapologetic email that strains the definition of written english, at least. something.
i guess.
we don't get an explanation, or some kind of reassurance that this isn't going to happen again?
guess not.
i don't know, jay. but doesn't it seem like if the office shuts down for four days someone should say something about it?
c'mon, mg, what did you expect?
i don't know. a blustery unapologetic email that strains the definition of written english, at least. something.
Monday, October 11, 2004
good morning, mg! somebody looks like she had a fight with the sleep fairy!
oh. hey, joanne. yeah, i'm a little tired. i got to bed late.
now, dear, you know that won't do. you know that sleep is one of the key ingredients!
ingredients? oh, please don't tell me--
of course. for your crust. Cooperation, Rigor, Unity, Sleep, nuTrition! to build your time pie! because what would a pie be without a CRUST?
nutrition doesn't even start with t.
well, that's why you need a tasty crumble of mental flexibility sprinkled on top! see, it all makes so much sense once you really get into it.
oh. hey, joanne. yeah, i'm a little tired. i got to bed late.
now, dear, you know that won't do. you know that sleep is one of the key ingredients!
ingredients? oh, please don't tell me--
of course. for your crust. Cooperation, Rigor, Unity, Sleep, nuTrition! to build your time pie! because what would a pie be without a CRUST?
nutrition doesn't even start with t.
well, that's why you need a tasty crumble of mental flexibility sprinkled on top! see, it all makes so much sense once you really get into it.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
hey, mg! i'm blueberry! what are you?
what?
i'm blueberry. i took the test in the book, and my time pie is blueberry. what flavor is yours?
chrissakes, roger, you're not talking about that asinine management book, are you?
yeah, 'slice your time pie...right!' i've been reading it, and they make some really good points. like, they tell you how to figure out what flavor your time pie would be if it was an actual pie.
good lord.
so, you have to figure out, like, what you like most about your job and what your working priorities are and your relationships with your coworkers, and then you look at the table, and it tells you what you are. so, what flavor do you think your time pie would be?
let's see. asbestos?
what?
i'm blueberry. i took the test in the book, and my time pie is blueberry. what flavor is yours?
chrissakes, roger, you're not talking about that asinine management book, are you?
yeah, 'slice your time pie...right!' i've been reading it, and they make some really good points. like, they tell you how to figure out what flavor your time pie would be if it was an actual pie.
good lord.
so, you have to figure out, like, what you like most about your job and what your working priorities are and your relationships with your coworkers, and then you look at the table, and it tells you what you are. so, what flavor do you think your time pie would be?
let's see. asbestos?
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
ya look perplexed, mg.
a little. jay, do you have any idea what the hell a 'time pie' is?
hmm. sounds low-carb. some new delight at the cafeteria?
ha. probably that, too. but no. nina said something about it, mid-rant. that i was cutting mine wrong. i had flashbacks to two years ago when she kept getting that glazed look and talking about 'following your cheese' all the time, or whatever that book was.
oh! one of those! yes. it is a new book. i think it's called, 'slice your time pie... right!'
ha. yeah, that'd be a good one.
no, really. it's the new thing in management theory or whatever. like, you have a certain amount of time and it's like, well--
a pie?
yeah. i think that's the basic idea. and everyone has the same amount, but depending on how you, you know, 'slice' it...
and people are buying this?
looks like it. i saw one on the boss' desk the other day. and the authors were on all the morning shows last week. they had diagrams and charts and everything.
lemme guess, pie charts?
bingo.
sounds just retarded enough to be a bestseller.
a little. jay, do you have any idea what the hell a 'time pie' is?
hmm. sounds low-carb. some new delight at the cafeteria?
ha. probably that, too. but no. nina said something about it, mid-rant. that i was cutting mine wrong. i had flashbacks to two years ago when she kept getting that glazed look and talking about 'following your cheese' all the time, or whatever that book was.
oh! one of those! yes. it is a new book. i think it's called, 'slice your time pie... right!'
ha. yeah, that'd be a good one.
no, really. it's the new thing in management theory or whatever. like, you have a certain amount of time and it's like, well--
a pie?
yeah. i think that's the basic idea. and everyone has the same amount, but depending on how you, you know, 'slice' it...
and people are buying this?
looks like it. i saw one on the boss' desk the other day. and the authors were on all the morning shows last week. they had diagrams and charts and everything.
lemme guess, pie charts?
bingo.
sounds just retarded enough to be a bestseller.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
mg, i need you to come in here a minute.
yes, nina?
is this your time sheet?
um, looks like it.
what is this?
um, that's where i put in how long my lunch break was.
i know that! i mean, why is it like this?
oh, i guess sometimes when i can't find a black pen i--
not the ink color! the times! the times! how long was your lunch break?
let me see, i took only half an hour last week because you'd told us not to stay late, and i was trying to catch up on--
i told you not to stay late and you thought you could pull an end run and steal extra time during your lunch hour?
i wasn't stealing time, i just needed to get that evaluation--
you work nine to six, less an hour for lunch. that makes forty hours a week. when you go over that, we have to pay you overtime. overtime reduction is a key principle in our departmental mission statement. it erodes other workers' morale and creates an artificially competitive environment. so, no. you take a full hour, and you deduct a full hour from your time sheet.
but, with the extra projects you-- i mean, what if i can't hit our target deadlines without--
you might find it constructive to spend a narrower slice of your 'time pie' chatting with jolly roger and a slightly more generous piece focusing on your job.
but i never even want to talk--
i'm glad we could both take advantage of this training opportunity. now be a sweetheart and top this off? also, add a splash of milk and half a pack of sugar.
yes, nina?
is this your time sheet?
um, looks like it.
what is this?
um, that's where i put in how long my lunch break was.
i know that! i mean, why is it like this?
oh, i guess sometimes when i can't find a black pen i--
not the ink color! the times! the times! how long was your lunch break?
let me see, i took only half an hour last week because you'd told us not to stay late, and i was trying to catch up on--
i told you not to stay late and you thought you could pull an end run and steal extra time during your lunch hour?
i wasn't stealing time, i just needed to get that evaluation--
you work nine to six, less an hour for lunch. that makes forty hours a week. when you go over that, we have to pay you overtime. overtime reduction is a key principle in our departmental mission statement. it erodes other workers' morale and creates an artificially competitive environment. so, no. you take a full hour, and you deduct a full hour from your time sheet.
but, with the extra projects you-- i mean, what if i can't hit our target deadlines without--
you might find it constructive to spend a narrower slice of your 'time pie' chatting with jolly roger and a slightly more generous piece focusing on your job.
but i never even want to talk--
i'm glad we could both take advantage of this training opportunity. now be a sweetheart and top this off? also, add a splash of milk and half a pack of sugar.
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