Monday, February 28, 2005
Jay. Jay!
Oh. MG. Didn't hear you.
I know. Just wanted to give you a heads up, you probably should take off the headphones.
Just trying to block out the noise from the construction. Roger sent me these cool Dave Matthews Band MP3s. Have you heard of these guys? They're pretty good!
Um, right. I just wanted to warn you, I got called into an HR conference for wearing headphones on Friday.
You're kidding! How did they even know?
I don't know. I guess somebody had nothing better to do than tell them I was listening to music. I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure.
Bummer, MG, that really sucks.
I know. I've been taking Excedrin before I even get to the office to try and get a head start on the headaches.
How do they expect us to work with all this noise?
No idea, Jay. It actually feels more peaceful out on the street than in here. But I also got in trouble for taking too many cigarette breaks. So, I don't know. I'm thinking of wearing ear plugs, but I'm afraid I'll get in trouble for that, now, too.
Hm. I'll run it past Roger. I bet he'll have a good idea.
Oh. MG. Didn't hear you.
I know. Just wanted to give you a heads up, you probably should take off the headphones.
Just trying to block out the noise from the construction. Roger sent me these cool Dave Matthews Band MP3s. Have you heard of these guys? They're pretty good!
Um, right. I just wanted to warn you, I got called into an HR conference for wearing headphones on Friday.
You're kidding! How did they even know?
I don't know. I guess somebody had nothing better to do than tell them I was listening to music. I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure.
Bummer, MG, that really sucks.
I know. I've been taking Excedrin before I even get to the office to try and get a head start on the headaches.
How do they expect us to work with all this noise?
No idea, Jay. It actually feels more peaceful out on the street than in here. But I also got in trouble for taking too many cigarette breaks. So, I don't know. I'm thinking of wearing ear plugs, but I'm afraid I'll get in trouble for that, now, too.
Hm. I'll run it past Roger. I bet he'll have a good idea.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Oh, hello, MG. Running a little behind schedule today?
Hi. I thought I was right on time.
That's okay. Well, let's see. How are you doing? You're here for an Employee Satisfaction Consultation, right? So, how are you feeling about everything here?
Um, okay, I guess.
Any concerns you'd like to bring up?
Well, um--
Good. Because a few little things have come to our attention. But that's what HR is here for, to deal with these things. So you should look at this in a positive way, since it means that everything is working the way it's supposed to.
Hm.
Well, on the corporate side, everything is working the way it's supposed to. On your side, hm. Let's see. Your computer has come to our attention.
Yes, it does actually run a little slow. I've been putting in requests for a new one every year--
Right. Can you think of a reason why it might be running slow? Do you have anything downloaded on it that you shouldn't?
I don't think so.
Like, for example, photographs?
Oh. Maybe a few.
It says here that you're using a personal photograph as your computer wallpaper. Let's see, "niece and puppy," is the notation I have here.
Oh. Well, yes, but--
We encourage individual expression, of course, that's why the computers come pre-loaded with a variety of sample photos you can use. Landscapes, patterns, I'm sure there are some of children and animals, too, if that's the sort of thing you like. You see, it's the time you use to download personal pictures and set them up that's an issue. And the company's memory space. And speaking of time, we're showing that you have two different instant messaging programs downloaded, in addition to the system you're supposed to use to notify your supervisors of phone calls and such?
There might be, yeah, IM stuff that was on there.
Right. I'm sure you're aware that extramural instant messaging is not an acceptable use of your time - the company's time. Also, there's a notation here that you were listening to music on headphones.
Oh. Um, yeah. With the construction on our floor--
I'm sure you are aware that there's a capital improvement program going on throughout the entire facility. Now, what would happen if everybody wore headphones when they were affected by a little of our 'growing pains' noise?
Um.
You see? It's preposterous. So, in essence, the conclusion here is that your Employee Satisfaction Rating right now is not satisfactory. What we're going to do right now is, for the amount of time that we estimate you've been, in essence, 'absent' from work between unauthorized instant messaging, music listening, and let's see, I have a notation here about excessive smoking and bathroom breaks, we're going to deduct from your next two paychecks.
But--
We're not taking any punitive action beyond that, since this is, in essence, a warning. That's what HR is here for, to take care of these little problems before they become big problems.
Hm.
Oh, also, your computer activity will be sporadically monitored from now on.
Monitored? Is that, can you, are you sure that's even legal?
Oh, yes. It absolutely is legal. And you should consider yourself lucky I'm even telling you, MG. The company is not required to give notification of employee computer monitoring. Since, of course, all activities performed on company equipment on company time are, in essence, company property. It's all in the employee handbook, which I strongly recommend you review. So, do you have any more questions, now?
I guess not. In essence.
Wonderful. And don't worry, no further pay will be deducted for the time you spent here with me today. You'll just have to, of course, make it up at the end of the day.
Hi. I thought I was right on time.
That's okay. Well, let's see. How are you doing? You're here for an Employee Satisfaction Consultation, right? So, how are you feeling about everything here?
Um, okay, I guess.
Any concerns you'd like to bring up?
Well, um--
Good. Because a few little things have come to our attention. But that's what HR is here for, to deal with these things. So you should look at this in a positive way, since it means that everything is working the way it's supposed to.
Hm.
Well, on the corporate side, everything is working the way it's supposed to. On your side, hm. Let's see. Your computer has come to our attention.
Yes, it does actually run a little slow. I've been putting in requests for a new one every year--
Right. Can you think of a reason why it might be running slow? Do you have anything downloaded on it that you shouldn't?
I don't think so.
Like, for example, photographs?
Oh. Maybe a few.
It says here that you're using a personal photograph as your computer wallpaper. Let's see, "niece and puppy," is the notation I have here.
Oh. Well, yes, but--
We encourage individual expression, of course, that's why the computers come pre-loaded with a variety of sample photos you can use. Landscapes, patterns, I'm sure there are some of children and animals, too, if that's the sort of thing you like. You see, it's the time you use to download personal pictures and set them up that's an issue. And the company's memory space. And speaking of time, we're showing that you have two different instant messaging programs downloaded, in addition to the system you're supposed to use to notify your supervisors of phone calls and such?
There might be, yeah, IM stuff that was on there.
Right. I'm sure you're aware that extramural instant messaging is not an acceptable use of your time - the company's time. Also, there's a notation here that you were listening to music on headphones.
Oh. Um, yeah. With the construction on our floor--
I'm sure you are aware that there's a capital improvement program going on throughout the entire facility. Now, what would happen if everybody wore headphones when they were affected by a little of our 'growing pains' noise?
Um.
You see? It's preposterous. So, in essence, the conclusion here is that your Employee Satisfaction Rating right now is not satisfactory. What we're going to do right now is, for the amount of time that we estimate you've been, in essence, 'absent' from work between unauthorized instant messaging, music listening, and let's see, I have a notation here about excessive smoking and bathroom breaks, we're going to deduct from your next two paychecks.
But--
We're not taking any punitive action beyond that, since this is, in essence, a warning. That's what HR is here for, to take care of these little problems before they become big problems.
Hm.
Oh, also, your computer activity will be sporadically monitored from now on.
Monitored? Is that, can you, are you sure that's even legal?
Oh, yes. It absolutely is legal. And you should consider yourself lucky I'm even telling you, MG. The company is not required to give notification of employee computer monitoring. Since, of course, all activities performed on company equipment on company time are, in essence, company property. It's all in the employee handbook, which I strongly recommend you review. So, do you have any more questions, now?
I guess not. In essence.
Wonderful. And don't worry, no further pay will be deducted for the time you spent here with me today. You'll just have to, of course, make it up at the end of the day.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Oh, MG, I just wanted to let you know, there were no more paperclips.
But, Alana, isn't that the whole point of that online supply management thing? It said there were some. How could there not be any?
There just aren't. There must have been some still in the system when you requisitioned them, but by the time you submitted your request and I had a chance to go get them, someone else must have taken them. You'll have to resubmit your request to the system.
I can't believe this.
Maybe now you know why I told you to put in your requisition before it becomes an emergency. Some people pay attention and learn in meetings, and some people have to learn things the hard way, I guess.
But, Alana, isn't that the whole point of that online supply management thing? It said there were some. How could there not be any?
There just aren't. There must have been some still in the system when you requisitioned them, but by the time you submitted your request and I had a chance to go get them, someone else must have taken them. You'll have to resubmit your request to the system.
I can't believe this.
Maybe now you know why I told you to put in your requisition before it becomes an emergency. Some people pay attention and learn in meetings, and some people have to learn things the hard way, I guess.
Vinnie, did you get an email from HR?
No, MG, I don't think so. I don't always pay too much attention to my email, though. So much negativity. Sometimes I just set it to delete it all automatically when it first comes in, before it can get me down. Why, did you?
Hm. Yeah. We have an 'employee satisfaction consulation' scheduled for tomorrow. Doesn't say what it's about.
Well, that's nice, MG. They want to see if you, the employee, are satisfied! It must be some new outreach thing.
See, that's what it sounds like. But I have this bad feeling it's not about my satisfaction. Is there really a setting that deletes everything automatically, by the way?
Well, I just set the junk mail filter to catch everything that comes from Winkyshock and flush it right away. Then I can concentrate on all the daily email newsletters I get. If the horoscope one or the affirmations one says to 'be more attentive to your surroundings' or something, I just glance through the junk and see if there was anything important.
Aren't you afraid you'll miss something?
Oh, if it's important enough I'll hear about it eventually. I can't jump at every little notice that comes in. Stress gives you wrinkles, you know.
No, MG, I don't think so. I don't always pay too much attention to my email, though. So much negativity. Sometimes I just set it to delete it all automatically when it first comes in, before it can get me down. Why, did you?
Hm. Yeah. We have an 'employee satisfaction consulation' scheduled for tomorrow. Doesn't say what it's about.
Well, that's nice, MG. They want to see if you, the employee, are satisfied! It must be some new outreach thing.
See, that's what it sounds like. But I have this bad feeling it's not about my satisfaction. Is there really a setting that deletes everything automatically, by the way?
Well, I just set the junk mail filter to catch everything that comes from Winkyshock and flush it right away. Then I can concentrate on all the daily email newsletters I get. If the horoscope one or the affirmations one says to 'be more attentive to your surroundings' or something, I just glance through the junk and see if there was anything important.
Aren't you afraid you'll miss something?
Oh, if it's important enough I'll hear about it eventually. I can't jump at every little notice that comes in. Stress gives you wrinkles, you know.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Okay, Alana, I went through the whole on-line SNM thing, here's my requisition slip, now may I please have that box of paperclips.
Fine, MG, just put the print-out in my inbox and I'll get to it this afternoon.
Alana, I asked you about this last week. Now I just went through the entire online process, and I brought you the print-out, now may I please just have some paperclips.
MG, I don't have time to necessarily run to the supply closet at the exact moment that you suddenly need something. That's why you're supposed to plan ahead, and use the SNM to order your supplies before it becomes an emergency. Just leave the slip, and if there's any way I can get to it sooner, I'll try. Also, can you forward me a copy of the email that you printed out?
But you have the print-out.
I need to verify on the original that nothing's been altered. There's a little thing called cut-and-paste that people have been known to abuse. Not like I think you would do that. But go ahead and take care of that, and I'll see if we can move the process forward.
Okay, yeah. The single box of paperclips from the closet across the hall process.
MG, going forward, let me suggest that that attitude isn't going to make things move any faster.
Fine, MG, just put the print-out in my inbox and I'll get to it this afternoon.
Alana, I asked you about this last week. Now I just went through the entire online process, and I brought you the print-out, now may I please just have some paperclips.
MG, I don't have time to necessarily run to the supply closet at the exact moment that you suddenly need something. That's why you're supposed to plan ahead, and use the SNM to order your supplies before it becomes an emergency. Just leave the slip, and if there's any way I can get to it sooner, I'll try. Also, can you forward me a copy of the email that you printed out?
But you have the print-out.
I need to verify on the original that nothing's been altered. There's a little thing called cut-and-paste that people have been known to abuse. Not like I think you would do that. But go ahead and take care of that, and I'll see if we can move the process forward.
Okay, yeah. The single box of paperclips from the closet across the hall process.
MG, going forward, let me suggest that that attitude isn't going to make things move any faster.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Thanks for coming up.
That's what the tech guy's here for, ma'am. If you can just hop on up for a minute, I'll take a little look-see.
Great, thanks. They said there was supposed to be an icon for the office supply management system, or tracking system or whatever it is, here on the desktop, but I don't see it. Maybe I have something set wrong, or--
Should be able to tell with just a little old peek-a-boo. Let's see, hmm, well, I can see one problem instantly.
Really?
Yes, ma'am. The photo on your wallpaper is just too darn adorable.
Oh. Yeah. That's my niece, and my sister's puppy. I got in trouble for the last picture I had up.
Got a little one about that age myself. They grow up so fast. Okay, let's see. So, problem number two is, you have your entire computer laid out on your desktop. Files go in folders, files go in folders. Repeat after me.
Ha, ha.
Seriously. Repeat after me. It's the only way you'll remember. Files go in folders. Go on.
Um, files go in folders.
Alrighty, your screen looks neater already! So, let's wade through all these icons, it's no wonder you can't find anything and... there she is! Your SNM was hiding down here in the corner.
Oh, thanks. I had no idea.
Well, that's why my personal root-script is, files go in folders. Now, to get you logged in. Here we are. You should get a confirmation email in 24 to 48 hours, and then you're good to go, go, go!
Okay, thanks.
By the way, all these icons, you're not looking at anything that you shouldn't here, right?
No, of course not.
Because, you know, speaking as the tech guy, that would be what they call 'reportable.' Any non-work-related software downloaded at all?
Nope, I don't think so.
Because the way it works is, if you have anything on your machine that's a no-no, the standard, well, procedure if you will, is a little donation to the tech guy's care-and-feeding fund.
Huh. No, I don't think so.
Okay. Well, you know, our lives are the sum of the decisions we make. You make your decisions, you live with the consequences. So, anything coming to mind that you don't want getting back to the folks upstairs? Up to you.
Um, no. I don't think so. But, um, thanks?
That's what the tech guy's here for, ma'am. If you can just hop on up for a minute, I'll take a little look-see.
Great, thanks. They said there was supposed to be an icon for the office supply management system, or tracking system or whatever it is, here on the desktop, but I don't see it. Maybe I have something set wrong, or--
Should be able to tell with just a little old peek-a-boo. Let's see, hmm, well, I can see one problem instantly.
Really?
Yes, ma'am. The photo on your wallpaper is just too darn adorable.
Oh. Yeah. That's my niece, and my sister's puppy. I got in trouble for the last picture I had up.
Got a little one about that age myself. They grow up so fast. Okay, let's see. So, problem number two is, you have your entire computer laid out on your desktop. Files go in folders, files go in folders. Repeat after me.
Ha, ha.
Seriously. Repeat after me. It's the only way you'll remember. Files go in folders. Go on.
Um, files go in folders.
Alrighty, your screen looks neater already! So, let's wade through all these icons, it's no wonder you can't find anything and... there she is! Your SNM was hiding down here in the corner.
Oh, thanks. I had no idea.
Well, that's why my personal root-script is, files go in folders. Now, to get you logged in. Here we are. You should get a confirmation email in 24 to 48 hours, and then you're good to go, go, go!
Okay, thanks.
By the way, all these icons, you're not looking at anything that you shouldn't here, right?
No, of course not.
Because, you know, speaking as the tech guy, that would be what they call 'reportable.' Any non-work-related software downloaded at all?
Nope, I don't think so.
Because the way it works is, if you have anything on your machine that's a no-no, the standard, well, procedure if you will, is a little donation to the tech guy's care-and-feeding fund.
Huh. No, I don't think so.
Okay. Well, you know, our lives are the sum of the decisions we make. You make your decisions, you live with the consequences. So, anything coming to mind that you don't want getting back to the folks upstairs? Up to you.
Um, no. I don't think so. But, um, thanks?
Monday, February 21, 2005
Roger! Dude! C'mon.
Yo, Jay. What's up? Where are we going?
Shopping.
Shopping?
Yeah, man. I gotta find some new clothes.
What's wrong? Did you leave a highlighter against your sleeve and get that big yellow circle? I always do that, too.
No, man. We just, I have to find something different to wear. This khakis and polo thing, I don't know. Something's not right with it.
I hear you. You want something that'll work better with the ladies, right?
Yes! That's it.
Okay, dude. You've come to the right place. We'll get you dressed up all smooth.
Yo, Jay. What's up? Where are we going?
Shopping.
Shopping?
Yeah, man. I gotta find some new clothes.
What's wrong? Did you leave a highlighter against your sleeve and get that big yellow circle? I always do that, too.
No, man. We just, I have to find something different to wear. This khakis and polo thing, I don't know. Something's not right with it.
I hear you. You want something that'll work better with the ladies, right?
Yes! That's it.
Okay, dude. You've come to the right place. We'll get you dressed up all smooth.
Jay! There you are! Where have you been hiding?
Oh, hi, Vinnie. I haven't been hiding. Just working, like always.
I feel like I never see you. And you've changed your entire look!
Look? I don't have a look. I just throw on whatever everyday.
Well, boy-boy, it is working for you!
It is? It's not, uh, supposed to.
Well, whatever you're doing, Jay, you just keep on doing it!
Hm. Alright, Vin. Uh, thanks.
Oh, hi, Vinnie. I haven't been hiding. Just working, like always.
I feel like I never see you. And you've changed your entire look!
Look? I don't have a look. I just throw on whatever everyday.
Well, boy-boy, it is working for you!
It is? It's not, uh, supposed to.
Well, whatever you're doing, Jay, you just keep on doing it!
Hm. Alright, Vin. Uh, thanks.
Friday, February 18, 2005
MG. MG!
Oh. Alana. Hi. I didn't hear you.
I know. That's what I stopped to talk to you about. You're not allowed to wear headphones.
Okay, thanks, Alana.
MG! I'm serious! You can't just put them back on! You're going to get in trouble. How can you do your job right if you can't hear?
Look, Alana, did you notice that we can't hear anything anyway? Did you notice that the banging and jackhammering and whatever the hell they're doing are making it impossible to hear anything and the only way I can stand it is to try to drown out some of the racket with headphones?
Okay, MG. You know what? Roger and Jay were right about you. You really need to calm down. And if you won't listen to me, that's fine. I didn't want to go over your head about this, but I don't want the whole department to get in trouble because of you, either.
Alana.
MG, I tried being nice about this. But with some people, that just doesn't seem to work.
Oh. Alana. Hi. I didn't hear you.
I know. That's what I stopped to talk to you about. You're not allowed to wear headphones.
Okay, thanks, Alana.
MG! I'm serious! You can't just put them back on! You're going to get in trouble. How can you do your job right if you can't hear?
Look, Alana, did you notice that we can't hear anything anyway? Did you notice that the banging and jackhammering and whatever the hell they're doing are making it impossible to hear anything and the only way I can stand it is to try to drown out some of the racket with headphones?
Okay, MG. You know what? Roger and Jay were right about you. You really need to calm down. And if you won't listen to me, that's fine. I didn't want to go over your head about this, but I don't want the whole department to get in trouble because of you, either.
Alana.
MG, I tried being nice about this. But with some people, that just doesn't seem to work.
Attention all employees:
You may have noticed the resumation of phase II of our "Core of Values/Core of Light" project. As you will recall, Phase I finished successfully last Fall with the building, or technically the "gutting," of the initial shaft. Now that certain budgetary and building code issues have been "met," we will begin the final steps of carting out the debris from the shaft, demolishing remaining structural obstacles, and replacing the blue plastic sheeting and yellow caution tape on each floor with "state-of-the-arts" glass walls. We are certain the final results, scheduled for sometime in Q3'06, will be very worth the wait, and worth any minor disruptions you might experience.
The board is pleased to agree with our consulting teams of architects and Experience Innovators, that this bold undertaking is the purest representation of what we do and what we strive for here at Winkyshock, Inc. A column of light and air that connects all of us, and represents the flow of ideas that can be accomplished when teams of dedicated individuals works together to be more than the sum of their parts. Remember, our "Core Values" are the "values" at our "Core"!
Please feel free to submit any questions, concerns, or suggestions for the project directly to your supervisor. Now, get back to work.
You may have noticed the resumation of phase II of our "Core of Values/Core of Light" project. As you will recall, Phase I finished successfully last Fall with the building, or technically the "gutting," of the initial shaft. Now that certain budgetary and building code issues have been "met," we will begin the final steps of carting out the debris from the shaft, demolishing remaining structural obstacles, and replacing the blue plastic sheeting and yellow caution tape on each floor with "state-of-the-arts" glass walls. We are certain the final results, scheduled for sometime in Q3'06, will be very worth the wait, and worth any minor disruptions you might experience.
The board is pleased to agree with our consulting teams of architects and Experience Innovators, that this bold undertaking is the purest representation of what we do and what we strive for here at Winkyshock, Inc. A column of light and air that connects all of us, and represents the flow of ideas that can be accomplished when teams of dedicated individuals works together to be more than the sum of their parts. Remember, our "Core Values" are the "values" at our "Core"!
Please feel free to submit any questions, concerns, or suggestions for the project directly to your supervisor. Now, get back to work.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Vinnie, do you have any painkillers?
MG, you know I don't put any trust at all in western medicine. I could make you some Mullein tea, though. I always keep some here, just in case.
I think I need something stronger than tea. Those fucking jackhammers are killing me. It's like they're actually rattling against my skull. What the hell are they even doing?
Oh, I know! It's just dreadful, isn't it? I don't know what they're doing. It sounds like they're right outside, but I don't even see any construction.
It almost sounds like it's inside. It's starting to sound like it's inside my head. God knows I can just barely concentrate even when it's quiet, and this is impossible.
I know. And it completely drowns out my fountain, which of course is what I rely on to keep my internal scape calm. If it doesn't stop soon, I'll tell you, MG, I'm going to go right home and take it as sick leave. It is just cruel and unusual punishment in here, wall to wall.
Yeah. Even more so than usual. I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but, ta-da! Here we are.
Are you sure you don't want any of the Mullein? It really does work.
Well, maybe--
The only thing is, it's also a pretty strong laxative. So.
Right. I think I might run downstairs and look for some Excedrin. Thanks, though, Vin.
MG, you know I don't put any trust at all in western medicine. I could make you some Mullein tea, though. I always keep some here, just in case.
I think I need something stronger than tea. Those fucking jackhammers are killing me. It's like they're actually rattling against my skull. What the hell are they even doing?
Oh, I know! It's just dreadful, isn't it? I don't know what they're doing. It sounds like they're right outside, but I don't even see any construction.
It almost sounds like it's inside. It's starting to sound like it's inside my head. God knows I can just barely concentrate even when it's quiet, and this is impossible.
I know. And it completely drowns out my fountain, which of course is what I rely on to keep my internal scape calm. If it doesn't stop soon, I'll tell you, MG, I'm going to go right home and take it as sick leave. It is just cruel and unusual punishment in here, wall to wall.
Yeah. Even more so than usual. I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but, ta-da! Here we are.
Are you sure you don't want any of the Mullein? It really does work.
Well, maybe--
The only thing is, it's also a pretty strong laxative. So.
Right. I think I might run downstairs and look for some Excedrin. Thanks, though, Vin.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Do you have a sec? By some weird convergence, all the cubicles around me are empty and I thought I'd give you a call real quick. I'm going nuts.
I'm serious, I don't know how much longer I can take it.
I know, I know. But now I really mean it.
Well, the work is bullshit.
I know, but I thought it would get better at some point. And there's no one left here I can talk to. The women are all either mean or crazy or both, everyone's basically clueless, and the one guy I thought I was friends with must have had, like, a brain transplant or something.
Yeah, Jay. That's the one.
I don't know. He's acting like he caught whatever brain damage Roger has.
Yeah, I've been trying to look, but it's hard, because I'm afraid to check job sites at work, and the dial-up at home makes me want to gouge out my eyes. And I feel like every day that I'm doing bullshit here, I'm getting less and less qualified to do anything else. Shit, speaking of, I have to grab the other line. Sorry, call you back later, okay?
I'm serious, I don't know how much longer I can take it.
I know, I know. But now I really mean it.
Well, the work is bullshit.
I know, but I thought it would get better at some point. And there's no one left here I can talk to. The women are all either mean or crazy or both, everyone's basically clueless, and the one guy I thought I was friends with must have had, like, a brain transplant or something.
Yeah, Jay. That's the one.
I don't know. He's acting like he caught whatever brain damage Roger has.
Yeah, I've been trying to look, but it's hard, because I'm afraid to check job sites at work, and the dial-up at home makes me want to gouge out my eyes. And I feel like every day that I'm doing bullshit here, I'm getting less and less qualified to do anything else. Shit, speaking of, I have to grab the other line. Sorry, call you back later, okay?
Jay, hi. I'm going down to Starbucks for Nina. Can I grab you something?
Oh. Hi, MG. Yeah, a little coffee would be kinda hot.
Well, I sure hope so. Heh. Hot? Jeez, Jay, you're not even kidding, are you?
About what? What's to joke about Starby?
Uh, nothing. You take it light and sweet, right?
Nah. I drink it black now. Cream and sugar are, you know.
No, what?
You know. Kinda light. That's not really my thing. And, make it a large.
Uh, okay. One huge, manly black Starby, coming up.
Oh. Hi, MG. Yeah, a little coffee would be kinda hot.
Well, I sure hope so. Heh. Hot? Jeez, Jay, you're not even kidding, are you?
About what? What's to joke about Starby?
Uh, nothing. You take it light and sweet, right?
Nah. I drink it black now. Cream and sugar are, you know.
No, what?
You know. Kinda light. That's not really my thing. And, make it a large.
Uh, okay. One huge, manly black Starby, coming up.
MG, do you ever have one of those days where you just can't get started?
Er, sure, Nina.
Oh, good! I knew you'd know what I was talking about! You and I really understand each other, don't we?
Sure, I guess.
Well, I was just going to run downstairs and pick up some Starby, so of course I thought I'd grab something for you, too.
Oh. Nina, that's really--
But, I am so having one of those I-just-feel-like-I-can-barely-move-a-muscle mornings. So I was thinking, if you would be a hero and run down for us this time, I'll be on point for it next time.
Oh.
I'll pay you back later, okay? I probably owe you a small fortune in coffee money, right? But that's okay. You know I'm good for it.
Um--
That's why it's so wonderful, and rare, MG, really rare, when people in an office understand each other as well as you and I do. It's almost like, in some senses, I'm not your superior. Like we're just gal-pals, right?
Er, sure, Nina.
Oh, good! I knew you'd know what I was talking about! You and I really understand each other, don't we?
Sure, I guess.
Well, I was just going to run downstairs and pick up some Starby, so of course I thought I'd grab something for you, too.
Oh. Nina, that's really--
But, I am so having one of those I-just-feel-like-I-can-barely-move-a-muscle mornings. So I was thinking, if you would be a hero and run down for us this time, I'll be on point for it next time.
Oh.
I'll pay you back later, okay? I probably owe you a small fortune in coffee money, right? But that's okay. You know I'm good for it.
Um--
That's why it's so wonderful, and rare, MG, really rare, when people in an office understand each other as well as you and I do. It's almost like, in some senses, I'm not your superior. Like we're just gal-pals, right?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Roger, tell me something.
Something! Get it? Because, MG, you said, "tell me something," so I said--
Yes. I get it. But, look, Roger--
Look where? Get it? You said--
Roger! I get it! Just shut up and listen for a minute. I have to ask you, how did you and Jay get to be so buddy buddy? Roger? Roger!
You said shut up. So I can't answer you.
Something! Get it? Because, MG, you said, "tell me something," so I said--
Yes. I get it. But, look, Roger--
Look where? Get it? You said--
Roger! I get it! Just shut up and listen for a minute. I have to ask you, how did you and Jay get to be so buddy buddy? Roger? Roger!
You said shut up. So I can't answer you.
Monday, February 14, 2005
MG, MG! Happy heart day!
Oh, hi, Joanne. That's, um, quite a scarf.
I know, you know, I love to spread the love however I can. Today it's with this scarf. Glitter from the hearts keeps getting in my hair, but I think that just makes it more festive!
It is festive.
I just think this is a day to celebrate all the love that's out there, not just romantic. And that reminds me, MG, have you noticed anything strange about Leah?
She seems really happy lately, actually.
Yes! And do you know why? Have you heard anything?
Nah. I thought it must be something to do with her boyfriend, though.
Yes, I think it is. But you haven't heard what?
No. I try to stay out of it. To the extent that it's possible.
Exactly! I'm just like that, too! I try to stay out of people's shrubberies, if you know what I mean. That's what I call it, 'getting into people's shrubberies.' And I never spread around other people's personal business.
Yeah, good.
But, MG, you haven't heard anything? About Leah? And her boyfriend? Like why they aren't engaged yet? For instance, like that he's already married and has a family and is cheating on them with her?
Oh, no. I hadn't heard anything like that.
Goodness! Well, I just assumed you'd already heard. I wouldn't spread it around, otherwise. I just thought you already knew. Isn't it just horrible, though?
Doesn't sound good. I guess the signs were kind of there, though, weren't they?
Well, I never thought so! He's so romantic! Always sending flowers, always calling, always sending little notes...
Sounds like a man who feels guilty, to me.
Well, I just think it's awful. Think of his poor wife, and those kids. Those beautiful children! When they find out, it's going to just tear them apart! The wife will cry and cry and try to hide it from the kids, but the younger woman will win out, and there'll be an ugly court separation. And in the end, the wife will have to get a job at some awful corporation just to pay her bills, and have nobody to go home to at night except her cats! And then they'll die of old age one by one, and where will that poor wife be then?
God, Joanne--
Oh, goodness. It must be all that Valentine's chocolate from the reception desk going to my head. I never should have eaten so many carbs in the afternoon. I'm fine now. Sorry. Well, happy Valentine's Day!
Um, yeah. You, too.
Oh, hi, Joanne. That's, um, quite a scarf.
I know, you know, I love to spread the love however I can. Today it's with this scarf. Glitter from the hearts keeps getting in my hair, but I think that just makes it more festive!
It is festive.
I just think this is a day to celebrate all the love that's out there, not just romantic. And that reminds me, MG, have you noticed anything strange about Leah?
She seems really happy lately, actually.
Yes! And do you know why? Have you heard anything?
Nah. I thought it must be something to do with her boyfriend, though.
Yes, I think it is. But you haven't heard what?
No. I try to stay out of it. To the extent that it's possible.
Exactly! I'm just like that, too! I try to stay out of people's shrubberies, if you know what I mean. That's what I call it, 'getting into people's shrubberies.' And I never spread around other people's personal business.
Yeah, good.
But, MG, you haven't heard anything? About Leah? And her boyfriend? Like why they aren't engaged yet? For instance, like that he's already married and has a family and is cheating on them with her?
Oh, no. I hadn't heard anything like that.
Goodness! Well, I just assumed you'd already heard. I wouldn't spread it around, otherwise. I just thought you already knew. Isn't it just horrible, though?
Doesn't sound good. I guess the signs were kind of there, though, weren't they?
Well, I never thought so! He's so romantic! Always sending flowers, always calling, always sending little notes...
Sounds like a man who feels guilty, to me.
Well, I just think it's awful. Think of his poor wife, and those kids. Those beautiful children! When they find out, it's going to just tear them apart! The wife will cry and cry and try to hide it from the kids, but the younger woman will win out, and there'll be an ugly court separation. And in the end, the wife will have to get a job at some awful corporation just to pay her bills, and have nobody to go home to at night except her cats! And then they'll die of old age one by one, and where will that poor wife be then?
God, Joanne--
Oh, goodness. It must be all that Valentine's chocolate from the reception desk going to my head. I never should have eaten so many carbs in the afternoon. I'm fine now. Sorry. Well, happy Valentine's Day!
Um, yeah. You, too.
Well, Leah, it's the most loviest day of the year! Are you expecting any big surprises?
Oh, Joanne. Me and my boyfriend have definitely been through a lot lately, and one thing we decided was, we decided no more surprises. That's what he said to me, "Leah, no more surprises." And he promised. He said, "I promise, Leah, from now on, I'm going to be up front about everything."
That is the best way. Honesty, honesty, honesty.
I totally agree! And he does, too. Now that we got some things straightened out. I mean, I have to admit, I was definitely shocked at first. You might have noticed, I was a little out of it for a while? I was like zonnnk for a few days, right? Zonk! That's how it hit me when I found out. But everything is fine, now. We are stronger than ever.
That's wonderful. As long as you have communication, that's what I always say.
Totally. He's definitely making the arrangements now to leave his wife, and we're talking about it, every step.
His wife? Leah!
I know, right? I was totally surprised, too! At first, yeah, that's why I was so, like, whoa for a while. Did you notice, I didn't change my nailpolish for like four days straight? But then he explained it all to me, how he was never really in love with her. "You're the one, babe," he says. He says he never should have married her or had kids with her, and he didn't tell me sooner because he didn't want me to be upset. Isn't that sweet, how he looks out for me?
Goodness, Leah, that's quite a shock. So, he's divorcing her? He's leaving his wife for you?
Definitely. Not right away, I mean, he can't exactly bring this stuff up with her right around Valentine's Day, can he? See, he's even thoughtful with people he's not in love with. I think that really says a lot about his character. But soon. Totally, totally soon.
Oh, Joanne. Me and my boyfriend have definitely been through a lot lately, and one thing we decided was, we decided no more surprises. That's what he said to me, "Leah, no more surprises." And he promised. He said, "I promise, Leah, from now on, I'm going to be up front about everything."
That is the best way. Honesty, honesty, honesty.
I totally agree! And he does, too. Now that we got some things straightened out. I mean, I have to admit, I was definitely shocked at first. You might have noticed, I was a little out of it for a while? I was like zonnnk for a few days, right? Zonk! That's how it hit me when I found out. But everything is fine, now. We are stronger than ever.
That's wonderful. As long as you have communication, that's what I always say.
Totally. He's definitely making the arrangements now to leave his wife, and we're talking about it, every step.
His wife? Leah!
I know, right? I was totally surprised, too! At first, yeah, that's why I was so, like, whoa for a while. Did you notice, I didn't change my nailpolish for like four days straight? But then he explained it all to me, how he was never really in love with her. "You're the one, babe," he says. He says he never should have married her or had kids with her, and he didn't tell me sooner because he didn't want me to be upset. Isn't that sweet, how he looks out for me?
Goodness, Leah, that's quite a shock. So, he's divorcing her? He's leaving his wife for you?
Definitely. Not right away, I mean, he can't exactly bring this stuff up with her right around Valentine's Day, can he? See, he's even thoughtful with people he's not in love with. I think that really says a lot about his character. But soon. Totally, totally soon.
Friday, February 11, 2005
MG, Jay told me you're a vegetarian.
True, Roger.
Okay, sweet! So you can probably help me with this idea I've been working on.
No, I probably can't.
Okay, so you know how there's dolphin-safe tuna?
Yes?
Well, I want to put out a whole line of dolphin-safe foods. Dolphin-safe bread, dolphin-safe ham, dolphin-safe pudding...
Roger. The point of dolphin-safe tuna is that no dolphins are hurt or caught when they catch the tuna. They use special nets.
Exactly! And no dolphins would be hurt for any of my products! Except my overhead would be lower, because I wouldn't have to really change anything. I don't think. So what do you think, would you buy dolphin-safe ham?
No, Roger. Because, remember? I'm vegetarian.
Even if no dolphins were hurt making it, though?
True, Roger.
Okay, sweet! So you can probably help me with this idea I've been working on.
No, I probably can't.
Okay, so you know how there's dolphin-safe tuna?
Yes?
Well, I want to put out a whole line of dolphin-safe foods. Dolphin-safe bread, dolphin-safe ham, dolphin-safe pudding...
Roger. The point of dolphin-safe tuna is that no dolphins are hurt or caught when they catch the tuna. They use special nets.
Exactly! And no dolphins would be hurt for any of my products! Except my overhead would be lower, because I wouldn't have to really change anything. I don't think. So what do you think, would you buy dolphin-safe ham?
No, Roger. Because, remember? I'm vegetarian.
Even if no dolphins were hurt making it, though?
Hey, Alana. Can I get the keys to the supply closet, please?
MG, you know you can't just get the keys.
Okay, can I please get the keys to the supply closet so I can get a box of paperclips?
No, I don't need to know what you're getting. You need to log on to the S.N.M.
Alana, what?
Real mature, MG. The Supply Network Manager? It's the new tracking database software for our office supplies. You'd know about it if you paid any attention at all at the last meeting.
Oh. Right. Okay, look. I just need some paperclips.
Which is exactly why they have the program. Like they explained at the meeting, you just log on, find the product code for what you need, enter the quantity you're requesting, and bring me back a print-out of the confirmation email. Then we can go ahead with that.
How do I log on? Do I need a password?
There's an icon on everybody's desktop.
I've never seen it.
You probably wouldn't even notice it, if you're on the internet all the time. You just have to click on it and follow the instructions to get your login ID, and after you have that, you send an email to IT to get your password, and then you're in the system.
Alana, you have the supply closet key. I need paperclips. Paperclips. It's gonna take me all morning to log on to that thing, if it's even installed on my computer, which I doubt. Could I just--
Well, that's why they told everyone to go log in and familiarize themselves with the system after that meeting. You'd know that if--
Okay, okay. I wasn't paying attention at the meeting. Guilty! You got me. Can I please just borrow from you, co-worker to co-worker, a small handful of paperclips.
MG, that would go against the entire point of the tracking system. I don't want to get myself in trouble just because you were doodling during a meeting. You have to take responsibility for your actions. You don't have to look at me like that. I'm trying to help you see that your actions have consequences.
MG, you know you can't just get the keys.
Okay, can I please get the keys to the supply closet so I can get a box of paperclips?
No, I don't need to know what you're getting. You need to log on to the S.N.M.
Alana, what?
Real mature, MG. The Supply Network Manager? It's the new tracking database software for our office supplies. You'd know about it if you paid any attention at all at the last meeting.
Oh. Right. Okay, look. I just need some paperclips.
Which is exactly why they have the program. Like they explained at the meeting, you just log on, find the product code for what you need, enter the quantity you're requesting, and bring me back a print-out of the confirmation email. Then we can go ahead with that.
How do I log on? Do I need a password?
There's an icon on everybody's desktop.
I've never seen it.
You probably wouldn't even notice it, if you're on the internet all the time. You just have to click on it and follow the instructions to get your login ID, and after you have that, you send an email to IT to get your password, and then you're in the system.
Alana, you have the supply closet key. I need paperclips. Paperclips. It's gonna take me all morning to log on to that thing, if it's even installed on my computer, which I doubt. Could I just--
Well, that's why they told everyone to go log in and familiarize themselves with the system after that meeting. You'd know that if--
Okay, okay. I wasn't paying attention at the meeting. Guilty! You got me. Can I please just borrow from you, co-worker to co-worker, a small handful of paperclips.
MG, that would go against the entire point of the tracking system. I don't want to get myself in trouble just because you were doodling during a meeting. You have to take responsibility for your actions. You don't have to look at me like that. I'm trying to help you see that your actions have consequences.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Jay! There you are!
Oh. Hi, MG.
Where have you been? I feel like I hardly see you.
I've been around. No big deal.
Well, it seems like you never stop by anymore. I hope I didn't do anything?
Nah. You're always hanging out with Vinnie anyway. Which is totally cool. Of course. But I've kind of got my own thing going on. So.
Your own thing? Jay, Leah's possessed. Nina's a harpy. And as much as I love Vinnie, I'm always afraid he's about to suggest I stick a crystal up my ass to clarify my chakras or something. You've always been the only reality check in this place, and now you're like frat brothers with Roger for godsake, and I can't deal!
Hey, Roger's pretty cool. He's got some pretty interesting ideas. Can you let me get past there? I think my bacon's done nuking.
Jay, that's your bacon in the microwave? The whole place reeks from it!
Reeks? Bacon smells awesome. Everybody loves that smell.
You know I'm a vegetarian! I can't stand the smell!
Ha, ha. I think Roger was right about you.
Roger was right about me? You and Roger were talking about me? And Roger was right? About what?
Oh, nothing. Smell ya later!
Oh. Hi, MG.
Where have you been? I feel like I hardly see you.
I've been around. No big deal.
Well, it seems like you never stop by anymore. I hope I didn't do anything?
Nah. You're always hanging out with Vinnie anyway. Which is totally cool. Of course. But I've kind of got my own thing going on. So.
Your own thing? Jay, Leah's possessed. Nina's a harpy. And as much as I love Vinnie, I'm always afraid he's about to suggest I stick a crystal up my ass to clarify my chakras or something. You've always been the only reality check in this place, and now you're like frat brothers with Roger for godsake, and I can't deal!
Hey, Roger's pretty cool. He's got some pretty interesting ideas. Can you let me get past there? I think my bacon's done nuking.
Jay, that's your bacon in the microwave? The whole place reeks from it!
Reeks? Bacon smells awesome. Everybody loves that smell.
You know I'm a vegetarian! I can't stand the smell!
Ha, ha. I think Roger was right about you.
Roger was right about me? You and Roger were talking about me? And Roger was right? About what?
Oh, nothing. Smell ya later!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
MG, check this out! You smoke, right?
Yes, Roger.
Sweet! Then you can use my new invention!
Why do I doubt that already?
Ta-da!
Is that.... origami?
Yeah. It's one of the ancient martial arts.
Roger, origami is not a mar--
See? It's an ashtray.
Made out of... post-it notes?
Yes! See? It's perfect. Because no matter where you are, if you know the pattern, you can make an ashtray. Like, if you're in the office and you want to smoke, you can just fold yourself an ashtray. And you can carry the post-its around really easily, and just fold one up after dinner in a restaurant, or wherever! What do you think?
Where do I start?
I'm gonna make a fortune. This is totally gonna catch on!
Okay, let's start there. It's going to catch on fire. It's paper. And the reason there's no ashtrays in the office or in restaurants already is because you're not allowed to smoke there. And they already sell post-it notes, so how would you make money off it?
Duh, I would just sell the idea. Then people could use their own post-its.
Even if this made any sense, you can't sell the idea of origami. Origami is thousands of years old.
Yeah, but post-it-note-ashtray-origami is totally new. Like Goober Grape. Peanut butter alone and jelly alone were each thousands of years old, but when you put them in a jar together, hai-ya! It's totally new. And awesome.
Hm. Right. Good luck with that.
See, that's the problem with you. You don't see the big picture. I'm gonna go show this to Jay. I bet he'll go in on it with me. He's the kind of person who gets it. If everyone was like you, there wouldn't even be any Goober Grape. Think about that!
Yes, Roger.
Sweet! Then you can use my new invention!
Why do I doubt that already?
Ta-da!
Is that.... origami?
Yeah. It's one of the ancient martial arts.
Roger, origami is not a mar--
See? It's an ashtray.
Made out of... post-it notes?
Yes! See? It's perfect. Because no matter where you are, if you know the pattern, you can make an ashtray. Like, if you're in the office and you want to smoke, you can just fold yourself an ashtray. And you can carry the post-its around really easily, and just fold one up after dinner in a restaurant, or wherever! What do you think?
Where do I start?
I'm gonna make a fortune. This is totally gonna catch on!
Okay, let's start there. It's going to catch on fire. It's paper. And the reason there's no ashtrays in the office or in restaurants already is because you're not allowed to smoke there. And they already sell post-it notes, so how would you make money off it?
Duh, I would just sell the idea. Then people could use their own post-its.
Even if this made any sense, you can't sell the idea of origami. Origami is thousands of years old.
Yeah, but post-it-note-ashtray-origami is totally new. Like Goober Grape. Peanut butter alone and jelly alone were each thousands of years old, but when you put them in a jar together, hai-ya! It's totally new. And awesome.
Hm. Right. Good luck with that.
See, that's the problem with you. You don't see the big picture. I'm gonna go show this to Jay. I bet he'll go in on it with me. He's the kind of person who gets it. If everyone was like you, there wouldn't even be any Goober Grape. Think about that!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Hi, Nina. I have your phone list.
Oh, good, MG. Let's go over that and make sure you haven't left out anything important again.
Well, there were a few that I couldn't find corresponding entries for.
I should be able to fill those in quickly. After all, it is my phone list, right? Who didn't you get?
Well, there were, um, "Hoovie" and "Lala..."
Oh, them. College friends. I don't talk to them any more, delete.
Then, let's see, "Gina..."
My sister. Ditto.
Um, okay. Then there's "Nana..."
She died. Old age, very sad. You can cross her out, too.
Okay. Right. And, um, "Snowman," "Snowman 2," "Snowday..."
Okay, MG, okay. That'll be enough. I'll go over the rest myself. Hm, now that I think about it, it would have only taken a minute if I just looked at these and pencilled in the names. That probably would have been faster. Oh, well, next time, right?
Oh, good, MG. Let's go over that and make sure you haven't left out anything important again.
Well, there were a few that I couldn't find corresponding entries for.
I should be able to fill those in quickly. After all, it is my phone list, right? Who didn't you get?
Well, there were, um, "Hoovie" and "Lala..."
Oh, them. College friends. I don't talk to them any more, delete.
Then, let's see, "Gina..."
My sister. Ditto.
Um, okay. Then there's "Nana..."
She died. Old age, very sad. You can cross her out, too.
Okay. Right. And, um, "Snowman," "Snowman 2," "Snowday..."
Okay, MG, okay. That'll be enough. I'll go over the rest myself. Hm, now that I think about it, it would have only taken a minute if I just looked at these and pencilled in the names. That probably would have been faster. Oh, well, next time, right?
MG, I have a feeling you're not sleeping with your head facing north.
I'm awake, Vin! I might slouch a little, but I am, in fact, awake.
No, silly ladyfriend, not here. I mean your bed at home. Am I wrong? I bet you lay your head facing either east or west. Did I guess it?
Your guess would be as good as mine. I can't say I ever gave it any thought.
Never gave it any thought? Well, no wonder you look so disgruntly all the time!
Hm. Or, here's a theory. How about because every time I think my work could not get any less relevant or any more tedious, somehow, like magic, it does. I'm trying to fill out a list of Nina's personal phone numbers, trying to match one list in alphabetical order by first names to her computer address book which is in alphabetical order by last name, except where people are listed under their company name. Meanwhile, she keeps sending me out for coffee and has yet to give me enough money to actually cover it. I think that has more to do with why I look - what did you call it? - disgruntly.
Ooh. That could be. But you might want to try switching your bed around, just in case.
I'm awake, Vin! I might slouch a little, but I am, in fact, awake.
No, silly ladyfriend, not here. I mean your bed at home. Am I wrong? I bet you lay your head facing either east or west. Did I guess it?
Your guess would be as good as mine. I can't say I ever gave it any thought.
Never gave it any thought? Well, no wonder you look so disgruntly all the time!
Hm. Or, here's a theory. How about because every time I think my work could not get any less relevant or any more tedious, somehow, like magic, it does. I'm trying to fill out a list of Nina's personal phone numbers, trying to match one list in alphabetical order by first names to her computer address book which is in alphabetical order by last name, except where people are listed under their company name. Meanwhile, she keeps sending me out for coffee and has yet to give me enough money to actually cover it. I think that has more to do with why I look - what did you call it? - disgruntly.
Ooh. That could be. But you might want to try switching your bed around, just in case.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Okay, Nina, here's that spreadsheet, and here's your cellphone back.
Oh, MG, perfect! I was just wondering how much longer it would be. Let's take a look. Wait a minute, where's the rest of it?
Rest of it?
I only see first names here.
Well, I just put them in the way they were in the phone memory. That's all I had.
No. No, it's not all you have. I expressly remember spending an entire hell-riddled morning with IT getting you set up with access to my Outlook Contacts. You should have access to all the contacts in my Outlook.
But I thought you just wanted the names that were in the phone?
Yes, yes. But you need to use my Contacts address book, and go ahead and match up the names and numbers in my cell with the appropriate last names in the Contacts.
Oh.
That's okay. You don't need to look so upset - I'll give you a little more time to finish. But going forward, if there are questions about the way you need to complete a task, I'd appreciate it if you brought them to my attention earlier in the process. We don't want to run into this kind of situation again, do we?
We certainly don't.
Oh, MG, perfect! I was just wondering how much longer it would be. Let's take a look. Wait a minute, where's the rest of it?
Rest of it?
I only see first names here.
Well, I just put them in the way they were in the phone memory. That's all I had.
No. No, it's not all you have. I expressly remember spending an entire hell-riddled morning with IT getting you set up with access to my Outlook Contacts. You should have access to all the contacts in my Outlook.
But I thought you just wanted the names that were in the phone?
Yes, yes. But you need to use my Contacts address book, and go ahead and match up the names and numbers in my cell with the appropriate last names in the Contacts.
Oh.
That's okay. You don't need to look so upset - I'll give you a little more time to finish. But going forward, if there are questions about the way you need to complete a task, I'd appreciate it if you brought them to my attention earlier in the process. We don't want to run into this kind of situation again, do we?
We certainly don't.
MG, you're not working on anything now, are you?
Yeah, Nina, actually I'm just starting that--
Great. I have something I need you to do. Normally, of course, I wouldn't even ask you to do this, but this is kind of an exception. Do you have a cell phone?
Yes?
Have you ever lost it?
Um, yeah, a year or two ago, once.
Then you know that the inconvenience is incredible. An associate of mine lost hers recently, and it really brought it home for me, what a devastating loss of data it can be, and what a horrible waste of time it would be to deal with all those numbers. I must have hundreds in my phone.
Mm hm.
So. What I need you to do, to prevent any disasters, is to use that database program to download all the numbers in my phone and put them nice and neat into a spreadsheet.
Which database program does that?
You know. What's it called. Excel?
Excel can download phone numbers?
Well, I don't know if it downloads them for you, or if you have to enter them in yourself, but same difference. I just need the names and numbers laid out in spreadsheet form.
Oh.
And you know what, MG, I was just going to offer to run down to Starbucks and get us both coffee, but something urgent has just come up. So how about if you go this time, and I'll go next time?
Right.
My usual. Late-morning usual. Not the afternoon usual. And remember, try to get the right amount of sugar this time. And if they don't have the raw sugar, use white sugar, and if there's no white sugar, use Equal. Whatever you do, don't use Splenda. I just found out it's made of bleach.
Um, sure.
Yeah, Nina, actually I'm just starting that--
Great. I have something I need you to do. Normally, of course, I wouldn't even ask you to do this, but this is kind of an exception. Do you have a cell phone?
Yes?
Have you ever lost it?
Um, yeah, a year or two ago, once.
Then you know that the inconvenience is incredible. An associate of mine lost hers recently, and it really brought it home for me, what a devastating loss of data it can be, and what a horrible waste of time it would be to deal with all those numbers. I must have hundreds in my phone.
Mm hm.
So. What I need you to do, to prevent any disasters, is to use that database program to download all the numbers in my phone and put them nice and neat into a spreadsheet.
Which database program does that?
You know. What's it called. Excel?
Excel can download phone numbers?
Well, I don't know if it downloads them for you, or if you have to enter them in yourself, but same difference. I just need the names and numbers laid out in spreadsheet form.
Oh.
And you know what, MG, I was just going to offer to run down to Starbucks and get us both coffee, but something urgent has just come up. So how about if you go this time, and I'll go next time?
Right.
My usual. Late-morning usual. Not the afternoon usual. And remember, try to get the right amount of sugar this time. And if they don't have the raw sugar, use white sugar, and if there's no white sugar, use Equal. Whatever you do, don't use Splenda. I just found out it's made of bleach.
Um, sure.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Oops! MG, heads up!
Ow! Jesus, Roger, what are you doing?
It's Friday!
And?
So, me and Jay are doing our Friday tradition.
You and Jay have a Friday tradition?
Yeah. It's new. We just started it today.
And it involves throwing.... what is this thing?
It's nerf.
Yeah, but nerf what?
I don't know. But the dudes in marketing had a whole box of them and they said we could have some. Jay, go long!
Ow! Jesus, Roger, what are you doing?
It's Friday!
And?
So, me and Jay are doing our Friday tradition.
You and Jay have a Friday tradition?
Yeah. It's new. We just started it today.
And it involves throwing.... what is this thing?
It's nerf.
Yeah, but nerf what?
I don't know. But the dudes in marketing had a whole box of them and they said we could have some. Jay, go long!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Okay, Vin. I see what you mean.
About why you should try to realign the energy fields that intersect at your desk?
Um, no. About Leah. I think she's gone batshit.
Oh! Was she trying to be your bosom buddy, too?
Yeah. And that wasn't even the part that freaked me out the most, as bizarre as it was.
No?
No. She talked to me for like three whole minutes--
That's scary enough already, right?
Right. And, and, in all that time, she didn't mention her boyfriend once. Let alone six hundred times.
Uh, oh, trouble in paradise?
Well, Vin, I guess you can ask about it, now that you guys are best friends.
I know, right? But, ew, I'm afraid.
About why you should try to realign the energy fields that intersect at your desk?
Um, no. About Leah. I think she's gone batshit.
Oh! Was she trying to be your bosom buddy, too?
Yeah. And that wasn't even the part that freaked me out the most, as bizarre as it was.
No?
No. She talked to me for like three whole minutes--
That's scary enough already, right?
Right. And, and, in all that time, she didn't mention her boyfriend once. Let alone six hundred times.
Uh, oh, trouble in paradise?
Well, Vin, I guess you can ask about it, now that you guys are best friends.
I know, right? But, ew, I'm afraid.
MG, you have to tell me something.
What's that, Leah?
Why do we never have lunch? Seriously, why?
Um, because we're not--
Let's have lunch. Okay? Can we do that? Let's do that. Let's have lunch.
Um, okay. I brought a sandwich, but I guess I could--
Soon! Not today, but totally, totally soon.
Um, okay, I guess.
I am so glad. You know, I never noticed it before, but, in a way, you're kind of pretty. Anyway, I can't believe we haven't done lunch sooner. I am so glad we are finally doing this. Let's set up a time later. Or, we could IM! Do you IM?
No, I think because of the firewall--
Okay, so we'll totally set up a time later. Have a good one!
What's that, Leah?
Why do we never have lunch? Seriously, why?
Um, because we're not--
Let's have lunch. Okay? Can we do that? Let's do that. Let's have lunch.
Um, okay. I brought a sandwich, but I guess I could--
Soon! Not today, but totally, totally soon.
Um, okay, I guess.
I am so glad. You know, I never noticed it before, but, in a way, you're kind of pretty. Anyway, I can't believe we haven't done lunch sooner. I am so glad we are finally doing this. Let's set up a time later. Or, we could IM! Do you IM?
No, I think because of the firewall--
Okay, so we'll totally set up a time later. Have a good one!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Okay, MG, now I have a math riddle for you.
Yeah, Vin? Shoot.
What the fuck is up with Leah?
Yeah, Vin? Shoot.
What the fuck is up with Leah?
Oh my god, Vinnie! Your hair looks amazing!
Leah? Hi. Thank you.
You have to tell me where you get it done. I bet you know lots of great stylists! Or maybe you style it yourself? Oh, I don't mean that just because you're--
No, that's ok. We gays do all know each other. We have little monthly meetings where we talk about hair and men and waxing.
Oh my god, Vinnie, you are so hilarious! We are so alike! We should hang out more! How come we don't hang out more? You should stop by my cubicle more and we should hang out!
Okay. You come say hi anytime.
Vinnie, I mean it! We should totally be friends! Promise me. Promise?
Well, sure. Poof, now we're friends.
Oh my god, you so crack me up all the time!
Leah? Hi. Thank you.
You have to tell me where you get it done. I bet you know lots of great stylists! Or maybe you style it yourself? Oh, I don't mean that just because you're--
No, that's ok. We gays do all know each other. We have little monthly meetings where we talk about hair and men and waxing.
Oh my god, Vinnie, you are so hilarious! We are so alike! We should hang out more! How come we don't hang out more? You should stop by my cubicle more and we should hang out!
Okay. You come say hi anytime.
Vinnie, I mean it! We should totally be friends! Promise me. Promise?
Well, sure. Poof, now we're friends.
Oh my god, you so crack me up all the time!
Morning, MG. What are you counting?
Hi, Vin. Nice brooch. I feel like I'm stuck in that old math riddle.
Ooh, math riddle? Now, you know Vin doesn't brag, but I used to be a genius at those!
Yeah, how 'bout this? If your bitchy boss needs a pack and a half of sugar and a shot and a half of espresso every goddam day and a half in a cappuccino and a half, how long before the administrative assistant snaps and tells the boss to go get her own damn Starbucks?
Hmm. I think the version I heard had something to do with chickens and eggs, but I'm sure the principle is the same. Let me compute some complex calculations here... Got it. I think the answer is, approximately, when the administrative facilitator decides she no longer wants to be employed.
I suck at math, but I was afraid the answer was something like that.
And don't undersell yourself. You didn't forget your own fake promotion?
I had sort of blocked it out.
Hi, Vin. Nice brooch. I feel like I'm stuck in that old math riddle.
Ooh, math riddle? Now, you know Vin doesn't brag, but I used to be a genius at those!
Yeah, how 'bout this? If your bitchy boss needs a pack and a half of sugar and a shot and a half of espresso every goddam day and a half in a cappuccino and a half, how long before the administrative assistant snaps and tells the boss to go get her own damn Starbucks?
Hmm. I think the version I heard had something to do with chickens and eggs, but I'm sure the principle is the same. Let me compute some complex calculations here... Got it. I think the answer is, approximately, when the administrative facilitator decides she no longer wants to be employed.
I suck at math, but I was afraid the answer was something like that.
And don't undersell yourself. You didn't forget your own fake promotion?
I had sort of blocked it out.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Hi, Nina. I have these copies for you. What should I do with them?
MG, that was quick. I told you to staple them.
They're stapled.
I said I needed thirty copies.
There's thirty.
You did all that already?
Um, yeah. So, what should I do with them?
You'll have to restaple the original.
It is.
Oh. Well then just, I don't know. Put them down over there. Not there! There. And next time?
Yes?
Make it a pack and a half of sugar. I could barely drink what you brought.
MG, that was quick. I told you to staple them.
They're stapled.
I said I needed thirty copies.
There's thirty.
You did all that already?
Um, yeah. So, what should I do with them?
You'll have to restaple the original.
It is.
Oh. Well then just, I don't know. Put them down over there. Not there! There. And next time?
Yes?
Make it a pack and a half of sugar. I could barely drink what you brought.
MG, are you busy?
Yeah, Nina, I'm just in the middle of--
Well, I need you to come in here a minute.
Yes?
I need you to take this report apart, make thirty copies, and staple them. And then bring them back to me. And restaple the original, of course.
Okay, would it be okay if I just finish up this--
This is kind of a priority right now. I wouldn't ask if it weren't urgent, you know.
Right. Sure. I'll get right--
And also, would you mind running downstairs for me real quick? The usual.
Caramel latte.
God, no! That's the afternoon. What are you trying to do? Send me into a carb crash at eleven o'clock? Just kidding. But just a cappuccino. Tell them, with an extra half shot. Two is too many and one isn't enough. You know. And one pack of sugar. The raw, what's it called, sugar of the raw. Whatever, you know.
Sure. Did you want me to do those copies first, or--
Ha, that's funny. No. Coffee first. Then I need you to get right on those copies. I'll pay you back later, ok? You're a dove.
Um, sure.
Yeah, Nina, I'm just in the middle of--
Well, I need you to come in here a minute.
Yes?
I need you to take this report apart, make thirty copies, and staple them. And then bring them back to me. And restaple the original, of course.
Okay, would it be okay if I just finish up this--
This is kind of a priority right now. I wouldn't ask if it weren't urgent, you know.
Right. Sure. I'll get right--
And also, would you mind running downstairs for me real quick? The usual.
Caramel latte.
God, no! That's the afternoon. What are you trying to do? Send me into a carb crash at eleven o'clock? Just kidding. But just a cappuccino. Tell them, with an extra half shot. Two is too many and one isn't enough. You know. And one pack of sugar. The raw, what's it called, sugar of the raw. Whatever, you know.
Sure. Did you want me to do those copies first, or--
Ha, that's funny. No. Coffee first. Then I need you to get right on those copies. I'll pay you back later, ok? You're a dove.
Um, sure.
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