Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Oh, hey, Alana. Just at a little cookout in my neighborhood. It was just a few people, a few beers, no big deal.
No big deal? You can just sit there and say you went to a barbecue on a work day and it's no big deal?
A work day? Yesterday was Memorial Day. Everyone in the country had off.
Did they?
Right?
MG, didn't you get the email?
No, I don't think I got anything about that. I'm just booting it up now. Let's see... "Attention All Em..." Hm.
So you did get the email.
Right now I did. It came in yesterday morning.
So you should have seen it.
But I wasn't here.
Exactly.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Attention all employees: This is a reminder that today is a regularly scheduled work day with regularly scheduled hours. Employees who wish to honor our country's heroes in private may take an hour do so with no penalty against vacation time, pending written departmental pre-approval. At Winkyshock, we believe that the best way to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice is to carry on and do the kind of work that they would have been doing if they had been able to come back and carry on doing it.
Now, in a solemn spirit of "memorial," get back to work.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Oh my god, Joni, I am so glad you wore them, too. I told my boyfriend what we were doing, and he was like, "Orange? Leah, is orange really your color?"
Oh, silly! Look at you! Look at us! Look how fun we look! A skinny little high heel is sexy in any color - especially orange.
If we're going to wear these personal evacuation whatevers and if we ever try to escape from the building with them, then at least we can look cute while we're going down all those steps.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Hello, MG. Let's see-- MG, you're not wearing your security kit around your waist. Where is it?
Oh. No. I'm not. It's in my office. I figure maybe I can go, um, grab it or something if I need it.
Do you really think you'd be able to go and get it if there were an emergency? Really? Do you? Seriously.
Um, seriously? Not really. Seriously, since you asked? I doubt that it would do much good. I shouldn't say that, I guess, I mean--
No, MG, I think you're absolutely right. They're bullshit. Everyone's running around with these things strapped on like they're on a sinking ship and those are their life preservers. When the fact is that they're not going to make a lick of difference, and they make us all look like idiots. I'm supposed to set some kind of example because I'm the director, and I can't stand it. God, sometimes I wish I could be like you. No responsibility, and you don't seem to really give a fuck if you get in trouble or not.
It's not that, I just--
No, it is that. And I envy you. I've never been like that. Of course, look where it got me. Big office, nice clothes, assistants, mounds of-- what have you. But I'll just bet you're not that much unhappier than me, even without all this shit.
Um, right. I was just wondering, you kept mentioning before, you wanted me to go through all those old files, and I haven't really had too much to do lately...
Oh, that. Joni the wonder-secretary took care of all that. That girl is so good at this BS that it's a little bit frightening. Scary. She'll probably have my job before long. Not that I would miss it.
Nina, are you... okay?
Yeah, I'm fucking great. I'm going to step outside for a minute.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Why, nothing, MG. Why?
Well, why are you wearing that dust mask?
Well, you know, I thought about it, and if they do attack us with poison in the air vents, which I shouldn't even say out loud, but if, god forbid and knock on wood, I realized that in the time it takes to reach into my PevPak and get the mask out and on, I might have already inhaled enough poison gas to put me toes-up.
But, Joanne, that's just a particle mask. I don't think it would do anything against, um, poison, anyway.
Well, you know what I always say. Better safe than sorry.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Good morning, Alana. I don't have any extra chairs.
Yes, you do! You did! Remember, I put a bunch of boxes on two of them the other day?
There's a stack of boxes in that corner. Look around. If you see chairs, go ahead and help yourself.
MG, that's not funny! Where are they? What did you do with them?
Alana, do you see a place where I might be hiding chairs? There's nothing in here.
Those weren't yours! You can't just get rid of things just because you don't want them in your office. Especially when it's just a temporary office that isn't really yours at all. MG, you better find those chairs.
Okay, Alana. I'll, um, have another look around. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Why don't you borrow some from that empty conference room? No one ever uses those.
I can't, MG. Those are the conference room chairs.
They seem pretty much the same to me.
But they're the conference room chairs. I don't think you get it. There are ways to do things, and there are reasons for the ways.
I guess I don't. What's the reason you can't sit on a conference room chair outside the conference room?
See? That's just what I mean. You better find those chairs and get them back in here, MG.
Monday, May 23, 2005
It's the anti-terrorist flashlight, MG!
I know. I mean, no, it's not an anti-terrorist flashlight. But I know it's from the personal evacuation kit. Why are you shining it in my eyes?
I thought we should practice signaling, in case we get trapped in a disaster and we can't shout, and for some reason we can't get to our emergency whistles, and our arms are pinned under a knocked-over filing cabinet or whatever, so we can't tap on anything with my special morse code. So then we can use the same code to signal each other with our flashlights. So we need to practice!
Roger, if our arms are pinned, then how are we going to-- oh, nevermind. Fine. Practice your flashlight signals. But how about in a mirror and not -- jeez! -- in my eyes.
Okay. But don't you want to know what my message was?
No.
It was, "Happy Monday!"
Perfect.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Oh, I know, MG! Because they have zero sense of style? It's atrocious!
Does anyone really think that a fanny pack with band aids and alcohol swabs inside is going to be the difference between life and death?
Please. I'll tell you. I'd rather just die than be caught wearing one of those, anyway. And if they found my corpse in the rubble because of a high-visibility fanny pack, well, I'd die a second time. The color is actually semi-courant. But a fanny pack? If they could have made it into a sleek messenger pouch or something, maybe.
Then you could sort of sling it over your shoulder on your way down.
Mmhm. Ladyfriend, I have not lived lived and dressed in this city for twenty-five years for it to come to this. If it's my time, it's my time. But I refuse to be dragged out feet-first, looking like a tourist. It's disgusting.
Amen, Vinnie.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Oh, sorry, Joanne. I'll come back. Looks like you’ve got quite a stack there.
Not at all, MG, you go right ahead. I have a million and two - that's what I say when there’s just too much photocopying to count. A million and two. If you just have that one thing to copy, you just go right ahead.
Thanks, Joanne. I appreciate it. I’ll just be a second.
Of course, of course. You’d be waiting all day for me to finish this. I don’t mind, though. It’s kind of peaceful. Open, place, close, copy, open, fold back, place, copy, open, fold back, remove… it’s like ironing the tablecloths. It’s its own kind of soothing rhythm, soothing rhythm. Don’t you think?
Sure.
Oh my goodness, MG! Where’s your pevpak?
Sorry? My what?
Your pevpak! Your personal evacuation fanny pack?
Um, it’s in my desk drawer.
Well, it won’t do you any good there! MG, don’t you see? That’s just what they want! They want to catch us unprepared! If you’re here in the copy room and they cut the power to the building, how will you see your way back to your desk drawer to get your emergency flashlight? Well, of course, if they did it right now, I’m here and I have mine right here in my pevpak and I’d lead you out, but if I weren’t here! What would you do?
Um…
What if they – god forbid and I’ll only whisper this because I don’t even want to say it out loud – what if they bombed the building and dust started suddenly flying everywhere and you had to make your way all the way back to your desk drawer with no flashlight to get your pevpak particle mask and plastic poncho? What then?
Well, I guess if the building were bombed, then the first thing on my mind wouldn’t be dust, but…
MG, you are not taking this seriously. Security is something you have to think about all the time. You can’t let your guard down, not even for a second. Don’t you see, that is exactly what they want you to do? They want you to let your guard down. If you stop thinking about the terrorists, that’s when they can get you! And that’s how they win. Everyone’s security is everyone’s responsibility. Like we all repeated at the meeting, remember?
Right.
MG, I want you to promise me you’ll think about the terrorists a little bit more, and a little bit more seriously.
Um, okay, Joanne.
I bet you didn’t even hang up your evacuation guidelines poster, yet. Promise me. Promise me, MG.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
MG! You heard it!
I'm sure everyone in a three-block radius heard it. Why are you blowing into a whistle? Where did you get that?
Everyone has one. It was in the emergency personal evacuation kit. Didn't you get one? From the meeting?
Oh. Yeah. The thing Jay brought me. I didn't open it.
You didn't open it? It's sweet! This is the emergency whistle. I was trying to send you and Jay a message in that sort-of Morse code I told you about.
What was the message? Oh, hey, Jay.
It was, "MG and Jay, come to my office!" And see, it worked!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Ack, Jay. They noticed I wasn't there?
Yep. They took attendance by department.
Oh, man. I totally forgot about it. By the time I remembered, I thought I'd better just ditch it.
No big loss. There was only one box of donuts. Someone tried to cut them up into little pieces, but there still weren't nearly enough. And who wants to eat donuts when they're talking about your skin peeling off from a chemical attack?
Jeez! Are you serious? That's what they talked about?
Well, that came up in the Q&A. They said they didn't foresee that as a specific projected outcome blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I brought you this.
A day-glo orange fanny pack?
Monday, May 16, 2005
Yeah, but when I was in a cubicle, I could always overhear people on the phone in their offices. It's like they think the open doorway somehow keeps sound in. Even though you can hear everything going on outside. I can still hear that girl playing the voicemail messages from her boyfriend all the time on speaker phone. I wonder where they all are? Anyway, gifthorse, mouth, et cetera. What's new over there?
That's good. Here, it's weird. Since I moved into the little office, everyone's been treating me differently.
Differently-good, mostly. Except for the girl who stashed a bunch of boxes in here, because it would've been tacky to actually piss on the walls.
Yep, that one. The key master. You're good!
Thanks, I'm glad, too. But, see, it doesn't make sense. Everybody knows I got put in here by accident, and nothing's changed about my job yet except that I do a lot less, but it's like people see you sitting behind a desk that's behind a door, and suddenly they act like you deserve respect.
I know, I know. In the real world. But not so much when you sit in a cubicle. My evil boss even asked if she could come in, and asked me if I wanted coffee! I thought it was a trick question, but she was actually suddenly treating me like an equal. Almost.
I know. It seems that way, a little bit, for the first time in a million years. I mean, I know that really, my job security isn't any better than it ever was, but, then, when do you ever really have job security or any kind of secur-- shit! I just realized where everybody is! Is it worse to go into a meeting 45 minutes late, or skip it entirely and hope they didn't notice?
Right. Okay, I'm going to sneak out and hope I don't run into anyone in the elevator on the way down. I'll talk to you later. Sorry!
Attention all employees: there will be a Mandatory Security Meeting this afternoon at 4:00 in responce to recent incidence.
As you are aware, one of our key mottos is the importance of employee security. The barcoded photo IDs whose implementation we phased in a year ago and the maintenance of our next-of-kin emergency notification phone number data base are just two of the ways that we're working harder to keep you safer. Now, following the recommendations of our security consultation experts, we are pleased to begin implementing Phase 3 of "Operation WinkySafe."
Please attend this important meeting for a thorough explanation of how you will be making Phase III an important part of your daily routine. Now more than ever, this meeting is for your own safety and security, to help you respond appropriately in the face of several different classes and categories of life-threatening occurrences which will be reviewed in detail. Refreshments will be served. Attendance is mandatory and will be noted.
Until then, get back to work.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Good morning MG! Somebody just wanted to say hi! You weren't afraid of Sugar, were you? She is only the most adorable wittle kitten in de whowe wide wawald. Yes she is! Oh yes she is! And she came to say hewwo to you! Yes she did!
No, I just, I just looked up and saw the poster wiggling in the door way and I just... sorry, Joanne. It's still early.
Early? I'm practically ready for lunch, I've been up so long. You get to be my age, and you just don't need sleep as much anymore. I wake up every morning right before it starts to get light out and I say to myself, I say, "Now, Joanne, could you use just a little more shut-eye?" And then I say, "Remember! Early out of bed is the way to get ahead!" Don't you just love that? I made a needlepoint pillow of it once for my niece. So she can see it first thing when she wakes up. I'm afraid she's more like you. Anyway, I just came by to help you brighten up your new space. And I thought to myself, now what does she really need in there? And then it's like Sugar just jumped up and told me herself. What's better than kittens to make an office a home?
Um, thanks, Joanne, but I...
So here she is to say hewwo to you! Listen, did you hear her? I think I heard her say she wants to stay in here! Yes she did! Sugar, is MG your new mommy?
Joanne, I don't think I'm going to hang any posters or anything. I'm not going to be in here too long.
Sugar! Did you hear that? Your new mommy doesn't love you! No, she doesn't! Mommy is a mean, mean mommy! She hates the cute, cute picture of the pretty, pretty kitty.
Joanne, I, I don't hate it. I just--
She's a baaaad mommy! Oh, don't cry, Sugar. MG, you're making Sugar cry!
Joanne, it's a poster, for chris-- oh, jeez. Okay. Thank you. I'll find a place for it.
Hurray! Oh, who's the happiest wittle kitty in the whole room? Who is it? Is it you, Sugar? Oh, yes it is! MG, you have so much wall space in here. I'll have to find you some other things to hang up, so Sugar isn't lonely.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Sure, Nina. What's up?
I just wanted to make sure everything's going okay for you in here.
Sure. It's great.
Isn't it wonderful to have your own office? I bet you feel like you don't know how you managed, all that time in a little cubicle with no light.
Yeah, it's true.
Well, I just wanted to apologize again for the way everything happened before. We were all discussing, should we tell her? Does she already know?
Yeah. No, I really had no idea what was going on.
Well, we weren't sure, exactly. And then we weren't sure who should be the one to bring it up, or how.
So that's why I ended up hearing that I was replaced from the computer tech guy.
No, no. Well, yes. That wasn't on purpose, of course, we didn't plan that. None of us ever talk to him, it was just sort of a happy accident. Okay, okay, not so happy at the time, maybe, for you, but it took a little bit of pressure off the rest of us.
Nina, not to dwell on the past, but it definitely stressed me out. I hope in the future--
I know, I know! We've talked all about it. I think this really ended up being a fantastic learning opportunity for all of us. I think, in the end, it taught us a lot about communication, and I think it will end up really strengthening our team, and our team work processes.
Well, just as long as--
Believe me, MG, the boss was really upset about the whole thing, we've been over everything, and I don't think you'll find any more problems here. And if you do for some reason, I want you to promise that you'll come to me right away. I don't want you to wait until something is really bothering you again to come forward. Communication is everyone's responsibility, you know.
Okay, because when I was trying to get answers, I really felt like I tried to--
We all tried, MG. We all tried our best, we all try our best, and that's what makes this such a fabulous place to work.
Okay. Well, Nina, since we're communicating, do you know anything more about what I'm going to be doing?
Oh, no. No. I haven't heard anything about that. At all. MG, that reminds me, have you tried Joni's coffee? I don't know how she does it, but she brews a fresh pot every morning, and it is outstanding. I'm heading that way, why don't I go ahead and grab you a cup?
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Sure, whatcha got?
It's a voicemail message. But I can't make any sense out of it.
Oh, you finally got into the voicemail! How'd you crack the password?
Don't ask. Here, just listen. Ready?
Ok. Hm. It sounds like, hm. It sounds like someone trying to talk after dental surgery.
Right?
Yeah. I can't really make out anything. Unless, hold on. Play it again?
Here.
Got it! It's the cottonmouth trick! It's Roger, right?
I don't know, is it? What's the cottonmouth trick?
It's this thing he made up where he stuffs his mouth full of cotton balls and then tries to talk. It's hilarious!
But...?
But what? You look so confused, MG! It's simple. He says something with his mouth like that, then the other person tries to figure out what he's saying.
But, but why?
It's just fun. You know what you should do? You should do the same thing, and leave a message back for him. Then he'll think that you understood his message, and you win!
Jay, please tell me this is not why I found a half a bag of cotton balls in the file drawer of Rob's desk?
Oh, yeah. Probably. Him and Roger bought a bag and split it up once, so they could do this whenever. Hey, if you're not using them, could I borrow a few?
You could take the whole bag. I don't think I'll be needing them so much.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Don't think so, Roger. Where, or what, is it?
Did you check your voicemail yet today?
No. I've never checked it on this phone. It's still set up for Rob. Wings. Rob. Nobody knew how to get into it without his password, so I haven't checked yet. That red light's been driving me nuts, too.
That's easy, MG! He never changed it. So you just punch in the extension when it asks for the extension, then when it asks for the password, you punch in the extension again.
Really? I tried so many combinations, trying to get that red light to shut off, but I never thought of trying the default.
Well, MG. You have to think outside the box sometimes. That's what they call it.
Hm. I think that using the default voicemail password would count as inside the box. Deep inside the box.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Hey, MG, what's going on? Plans for the weekend?
Hi, Jay. Not really. There's a few shows I was thinking of checking out.
Oh, yeah? I heard the Indigo Girls are in town. Is that it?
Um, no? I hate talky folk music. Why?
Ah, more of an L7, Breeders sort of fan, huh? Kim Deal is still pretty hot, right?
Jay, what are you talking about? For godsake, how would I be going to see either of those bands this weekend? Or this decade? Where are you coming up with this random stuff?
Oh, nothing, MG. I just meant, you know. In general.
Jay? Is there something you want to talk about?
No, no. I'm totally cool with it, MG.
Cool with what, Jay?
Oh, with everything. Nothing. But whatever, I'll still be your friend. You don't have to worry about it. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. Anyone who doesn't already know, I mean. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Is operation hook-up on, or is it on? Girls, I am so incredibly excited about this! I've only been here two weeks and I'm already doing my first good deed.
Joni, you are already such an awesome friend to MG.
Leah, it was your idea! You're the one who's an awesome friend. We're all awesome friends, if you think about it.
Well, I don't think she's an awesome friend. I don't think she's that awesome at all. I don't think she even deserves our help.
Alana, don't be like that. Me, you, and Joni have something totally amazing that MG doesn't have, and when you have something amazing like that--
You are so right, Leah. When you have an incredible fiance, like I do, or an incredible future fiance, like you two--
Yay!
You guys, I don't want to burst your bubble, but maybe there's a reason MG doesn't have a boyfriend.
Alana, not every guy needs to be with a really pretty girl, you know? I'm sure there's guys, or a guy, out there who would be fine with her, just the way she is. You know, if she started wearing a little makeup and did her hair a little more nicely. We just have to find him.
Well, not every girl even necessarily wants a guy, if you know what I mean. I don't think she's had a boyfriend in a really long time. I mean, a really long time. I don't mean to gossip…
Of course not! My boyfriend always says, "it's not gossiping if it's helping someone." So you're not! Why? What do you think?
Ew, Alana. Why would she want to be a lesbian?
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Vinnie, can you please come in here a second?
Of course, sugar pea. What's going on? Did you look at those books I brought you?
Um, sort of. I was thinking maybe you could sort of give me the quick run-down on a few main points. Like, on an emergency basis.
Ooh, emergency feng shui. Dr. Vin sensei is in! What's the trouble? You want to arrange your desk to optimize your creative energies, right?
Well…
You want to figure out where on the desk you should put your computer to minimize the chance that it'll crash?
That would be good, too. But mainly--
Wait! Got it! You want to attract love! I should warn you, chickadeedle-dee, I can do that, but take it from me: you should be very, very careful about office romance.
God, Vin, no. Thanks, but no. I just want to know how to keep, um, obtrusive elements from coming in and sitting down and refusing to leave.
Oh, the ladies who lunch? Honey, that's an easy one.
Good. Do I need to buy an iron bell or an octagonal mirror or what? Just tell me, and I'm game.
You don't need that stuff. All you need to do is get rid of these extra chairs.
God! Of course! Vin, you're a genius.
Like the old chinese zen master sid, "If trouble has no place to sit, it will eat its lunch someplace else." Or something like that. I think it's in one of those books.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Oh, hi, Leah. Come in. I'm actually working out of this office now.
Oh, yeah. I did hear about that. Alana was telling us all about how you get this office temporarily. And you're eating lunch at your desk all by yourself? That's awful! You should eat with us! The girls always have lunch together. Why aren't you eating with us? Joni eats with us.
Oh. I didn't realize--
MG, you should know. You know. We all meet up and go have lunch together. It's total girl time. We all need a break from our boys once in a while, right? We need a break from them so we can talk about them! You totally missed all the latest about my boyfriend! I can fill you in real quick, though, while you finish eating. What are you eating, anyway? Where did you get that?
It's just a sandwich I brought from home. And actually I was just about to--
From home? What is that weird bread? Is that bread?
Yeah, it's just pita. Hummus on pita. I need to make a couple of calls, actually, but--
Oh, this won't take long. So, you remember how my boyfriend was totally going to separate from his wife? Do you mind if I sit down?
Um, sure.
And then he was like, "I can't right now, Leah, but I'm totally going to," and I was like, "Well, you better, because I'm not going to wait forever," and he was like, "Come on, Leah, it's not a good time right now, my kid is having trouble at kindergarden, so we just have to wait til that blows over," and I was like, "Fine," because the main thing is that I really want to be supportive of him, you know?
Sure.
But then I was like, "You know, Leah," I mean, I was thinking this to myself, not saying it to him, I was like, "You know, Leah, maybe he's not going to ever get out of that marriage, maybe I'm wasting my time with him," and then I told him that, I was like, "Am I wasting my time with you? Are you really planning to leave her?" And I thought he would be like, "Of course! You're the one I want to be with." But then instead, he was like, stressed out about it? He wasn't like "Yeah!" And he said his wife hasn't been feeling well lately, and blah, blah, blah. So then I started freaking out and I was like, maybe I should just try and forget about the whole thing, you know?
Yeah, that might be for the best.
But then, I realized right away, that's crazy! He is so the one for me, and I am so the one for him. The one. We have that kind of love that can't even be stopped by him being married or whatever. It's not like we ever wanted it to be this way. I didn't even know he was married! So it's not like I planned it like this. And he didn't plan it like this. It just happened. Because I feel like when something is meant to be, it's just meant to be. You can't control it. We can't control this. So, we decided, from now on, we're both going to be really, really, really honest. Because when a love is totally pure like this, that's the only way. It is seriously the only way. It's like the truth of the love overcomes all the, the BS that's around it.
Hm. So what does his wife think about it all?
Oh my god! She doesn't know! Of course she doesn't know. He's going to find a way to leave her where she never finds out. They stopped sleeping together a long, long time ago, like a year ago, and he's just tapering the whole relationship off slowly. That's why it's taking so long. He doesn't want to hurt her, especially when she's kind of sick. See? That's the kind of guy, that's the kind of man I should say, that he is. He doesn't want to hurt his wife, even though he doesn't love her. Isn't that amazing?
Yep. What about the kid?
He is so amazing with him, too. You should see them together. It is so sweet.
The kid's met you?
Yeah. But he's too young to know what's going on. He has no idea what's going on. I'm just daddy's friend. Daddy's special friend.
Didn't you say he's in kindergarden? Aren't you afraid he'll say something to the wife?
Of course not, MG? Why would he say anything? Little kids aren't mean like that. He wouldn't have any reason to say anything!
Oh. Alright. Well, good luck with that. I hope… I don't know. Good luck.
Thanks, MG! You know, you should really come out to lunch with us. No, you know what? Now that you have this office, we should all start having lunch in here! Look, you've got enough chairs and everything! I'll tell the girls. We'll all start having lunch in here with you! You know what, I bet if all of us girls put our heads together, we could totally fix you up with someone, too! Then you won't feel left out when we all talk about our boyfriends. My boyfriend knows lots of other cops!
Oh. Thanks. That's okay. Um, thanks, though.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Roger! Was that you? What are you doing?
Oh, morning, MG! Did you get my message?
That was my message! Wings and I used to communicate by Morse code, by tapping on the wall between our offices.
You’re joking.
No, really! I told you before. Except we don’t know real Morse code, so we sort of made up our own version.
Ah.
Don’t you want to know what I just banged into your wall?
I really just want you to not bang on the wall. Especially first thing Monday morning.
It was “Happy Monday!” Want me to teach you our code system?
No.
Okay, that’s alright. We’re actually close enough that I can just shout through the wall and you’ll be able to hear me. Hm, wait a minute, except then the messages won’t be secret like they were with the tapping system.
Roger, maybe we could start a new thing. Where you only send me secret messages by writing them down on a piece of paper and slipping them under the door.
Oh, sweet! Loving that, MG! I can start making up a secret code so that no one else can read them, too! It might take a while, though. I might not be able to start sending messages for a little while.
Not a problem, buddy. Take all the time you need.
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