Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Hey, MG. Hangin' in?
Just barely, Jay.
What's wrong?
I feel like it's suddenly turned into a medical self-help seminar out there. Everyone seems to be talking about stuff that I wouldn't even want to bring up with my doctor.
Yeah?
I swear, everyday, all day long, all I'm hearing is blood and piss and oozing mouth wounds.
Really? I hadn't noticed. Once I'm focused in on my spreadsheets and reports, all that chatter kind of goes right over my head. Maybe if you concentrate a little harder on your work, you won't notice so much.
Um, yeah. Maybe.
Just barely, Jay.
What's wrong?
I feel like it's suddenly turned into a medical self-help seminar out there. Everyone seems to be talking about stuff that I wouldn't even want to bring up with my doctor.
Yeah?
I swear, everyday, all day long, all I'm hearing is blood and piss and oozing mouth wounds.
Really? I hadn't noticed. Once I'm focused in on my spreadsheets and reports, all that chatter kind of goes right over my head. Maybe if you concentrate a little harder on your work, you won't notice so much.
Um, yeah. Maybe.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Hey, MG?
Hi, Leah.
MG? Do you have a tampon?
Uh, no.
Because I've been having this really weird thing with my--
Oh! Look at that! Here you go. I do. Here.
Thanks, MG. You totally saved me! Because--
It's no problem. Just, could you pull the door shut on your way out? Perfect. Yeah, all the way. Thanks.
Hi, Leah.
MG? Do you have a tampon?
Uh, no.
Because I've been having this really weird thing with my--
Oh! Look at that! Here you go. I do. Here.
Thanks, MG. You totally saved me! Because--
It's no problem. Just, could you pull the door shut on your way out? Perfect. Yeah, all the way. Thanks.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Hey, Vin. How are ya? Did you go to the parade?
Oh, honey, please. This queen's parading days are in the past. Did you go, MG?
Nah. I've watched a few years. It's fun, but it was just too hot. Were you ever on a float or anything?
On a float? Ladyfriend, I was the float! One year, I was the queen of the green fairy absinthe fighters. We flung condoms, glitter, and those little plastic toothpick swords into the crowd. It was a trip.
Wow. That sounds... hm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, actually, Vin.
I know! We weren't, either. But, my god was it a blast.
Oh, honey, please. This queen's parading days are in the past. Did you go, MG?
Nah. I've watched a few years. It's fun, but it was just too hot. Were you ever on a float or anything?
On a float? Ladyfriend, I was the float! One year, I was the queen of the green fairy absinthe fighters. We flung condoms, glitter, and those little plastic toothpick swords into the crowd. It was a trip.
Wow. That sounds... hm. I'm not sure exactly what that means, actually, Vin.
I know! We weren't, either. But, my god was it a blast.
Friday, June 24, 2005
MG? MG! Open up. You have to open this door. Leah, how long has her door been closed?
She kind of slammed it a few hours ago and she hasn't opened it up since.
Slammed it? No. MG!
Can you just open it, Alana?
Would you believe, Leah, the door is locked? She actually slammed her door shut and locked it? This is against so many rules I can't even believe it. We talked about this on Thursday. Why would she do something that she knows is against the rules, after we even talked about it?
I have no idea. She's kind of weird.
She kind of slammed it a few hours ago and she hasn't opened it up since.
Slammed it? No. MG!
Can you just open it, Alana?
Would you believe, Leah, the door is locked? She actually slammed her door shut and locked it? This is against so many rules I can't even believe it. We talked about this on Thursday. Why would she do something that she knows is against the rules, after we even talked about it?
I have no idea. She's kind of weird.
Joni, oh my god. My period.
What's wrong, Leah? Is it... late?
No. Not really. It's, like, doing that thing where it kind of starts but then not really? You know what I mean? It's like, I wipe, and there's this little bit of blood, and then there's none, and I'm like, hello? Is it here or is it not?
I've never had that happen. My personal delivery of red roses comes like clockwork. My monthly subway card ends the day before it starts each month, so then I know - the next morning, eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock?
Give or take an hour.
Joni, you are too much. My boyfriend always says, he says, "Leah, how come you don't know exactly when it starts?" And I tell him, I know basically when its gonna start, but I always tell him, it's not like you can tell to the minute! And he's always like, "Well, you better make sure you let me know. Cause I don't want any surprises, you know." And I'm like, "Sure!" because can you imagine how totally gross that would be?
Ew. Oh my god. My fiance would die. Not to mention my sheets.
I know, right? So, now I'm like, do I put in a tampon, or do I wait? You know?
Tampons! Oh, no. Leah, I couldn't do that. It's pads all the way for me! Thank god for pads.
Are you kidding? Joni, I can't believe you. I haven't used pads since eighth grade. I was freaked out, but my mom was like, "Forget it, Leah. You don't need to walk around in a diaper. You take this, you stick it in, you can just forget about it."
Oh, not me. I never liked the sound of it, like you said, sticking it in. I couldn't. You're brave, Leah.
Yeah, that's what my boyfriend says. He's always like, "I'm a cop," because he's a cop, and he's like, "I'm a cop, and I've seen some blood, but I'm not gonna go sticking my hand in my own blood. I don't know how you ladies do it," that's what he always says.
Well, I'm with him on that one. Ew. Seriously.
What's wrong, Leah? Is it... late?
No. Not really. It's, like, doing that thing where it kind of starts but then not really? You know what I mean? It's like, I wipe, and there's this little bit of blood, and then there's none, and I'm like, hello? Is it here or is it not?
I've never had that happen. My personal delivery of red roses comes like clockwork. My monthly subway card ends the day before it starts each month, so then I know - the next morning, eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock?
Give or take an hour.
Joni, you are too much. My boyfriend always says, he says, "Leah, how come you don't know exactly when it starts?" And I tell him, I know basically when its gonna start, but I always tell him, it's not like you can tell to the minute! And he's always like, "Well, you better make sure you let me know. Cause I don't want any surprises, you know." And I'm like, "Sure!" because can you imagine how totally gross that would be?
Ew. Oh my god. My fiance would die. Not to mention my sheets.
I know, right? So, now I'm like, do I put in a tampon, or do I wait? You know?
Tampons! Oh, no. Leah, I couldn't do that. It's pads all the way for me! Thank god for pads.
Are you kidding? Joni, I can't believe you. I haven't used pads since eighth grade. I was freaked out, but my mom was like, "Forget it, Leah. You don't need to walk around in a diaper. You take this, you stick it in, you can just forget about it."
Oh, not me. I never liked the sound of it, like you said, sticking it in. I couldn't. You're brave, Leah.
Yeah, that's what my boyfriend says. He's always like, "I'm a cop," because he's a cop, and he's like, "I'm a cop, and I've seen some blood, but I'm not gonna go sticking my hand in my own blood. I don't know how you ladies do it," that's what he always says.
Well, I'm with him on that one. Ew. Seriously.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Yes, hi. This is Leah calling. I need to update my appointment?
Yeah, it was scheduled for next Friday, but I'm wondering if we can move it up?
Well, that thing that between my two back teeth seems to keep growing. Before it was like just a little bump, but now it's like a huge sore. It's red and kind of oozing, and it bleeds whenever I brush my teeth.
Yes, very painful.
I have been. I swish and gargle with salt water and when I spit it out, it always looks like there's little bits of, I don't know, something yellowish in it?
Really? Great. Because I thought, they probably won't be able to see me. But then I thought, let me just try to call. I'm glad he can see me sooner. Because this thing, it's really getting pretty gross.
Yeah, it was scheduled for next Friday, but I'm wondering if we can move it up?
Well, that thing that between my two back teeth seems to keep growing. Before it was like just a little bump, but now it's like a huge sore. It's red and kind of oozing, and it bleeds whenever I brush my teeth.
Yes, very painful.
I have been. I swish and gargle with salt water and when I spit it out, it always looks like there's little bits of, I don't know, something yellowish in it?
Really? Great. Because I thought, they probably won't be able to see me. But then I thought, let me just try to call. I'm glad he can see me sooner. Because this thing, it's really getting pretty gross.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Joanne, I love your little desk cooler!
Isn't it just too much, Joni? It looks just like a big water cooler, but it's mini size, see? You know how they say, you're supposed to drink eight glasses of water a day, eight glasses. But if it's not right there in front of you, you just don't think about it. So when you have this right in front of you, then you can see how much you've already drank, and how much you still have left to drink. To get your full eight glasses.
That is a terriffic idea!
Because before, I was drinking maybe three glasses or four, but now I can really see how much water I'm drinking.
Everyone should have one of those. I think I'll put it in as an official suggestion!
Joni, that is not a bad idea. Because it really is important to drink your eight glasses, but I don't think most people really do. I know I didn't, before I got my little miniature water cooler. But now I can see exactly how much I've already had, and how much is left for the day. So you can pace yourself. I say to myself, Joanne, are you drinking enough water? And instead of wondering, now I can just look right up at my little cooler.
That is super.
Of course, now I have to go five times a day. You know, go. But I think it's healthier that way. Keep things moving! That's what I always say. I always say, "I have to go water the flowers now." That's what I call it. I don't like to say "go to the bathroom," so I say I'm "watering the flowers."
Oh, Joanne. That is too much. I love it! Okay, I'm going to see about getting more of those. Keep drinking that water!
Oh, I am! Two down, six glasses left to go!
Isn't it just too much, Joni? It looks just like a big water cooler, but it's mini size, see? You know how they say, you're supposed to drink eight glasses of water a day, eight glasses. But if it's not right there in front of you, you just don't think about it. So when you have this right in front of you, then you can see how much you've already drank, and how much you still have left to drink. To get your full eight glasses.
That is a terriffic idea!
Because before, I was drinking maybe three glasses or four, but now I can really see how much water I'm drinking.
Everyone should have one of those. I think I'll put it in as an official suggestion!
Joni, that is not a bad idea. Because it really is important to drink your eight glasses, but I don't think most people really do. I know I didn't, before I got my little miniature water cooler. But now I can see exactly how much I've already had, and how much is left for the day. So you can pace yourself. I say to myself, Joanne, are you drinking enough water? And instead of wondering, now I can just look right up at my little cooler.
That is super.
Of course, now I have to go five times a day. You know, go. But I think it's healthier that way. Keep things moving! That's what I always say. I always say, "I have to go water the flowers now." That's what I call it. I don't like to say "go to the bathroom," so I say I'm "watering the flowers."
Oh, Joanne. That is too much. I love it! Okay, I'm going to see about getting more of those. Keep drinking that water!
Oh, I am! Two down, six glasses left to go!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Well? Leah?
Joni, oh my god, I am freaking out.
Okay, I brought you a cup of my secret special blend. So you can relax, and let's figure this out. What's going on?
Oh my god, I'm not even sure. Does this have sugar in it?
Shh, shh, it's a secret blend. You'll like it! Just try it!
Okay, because I really can't have sugar.
No problem!
I'm serious. Sugar makes me get all bloated, then I crash. Like a total sugar crash. Like, last week, I got home and I was kind of tired and my boyfriend totally asked if I had sugar. He was like, "Leah, did you have sugar?" Because I was all out of it. Oh my god, my boyfriend! Joni!
Okay, just tell me about it. I'm sure it's going to be okay. What you two have can't be torn apart by just sugar.
I know, totally. But his ex-wife keeps sneaking around there. This weekend she came over while I was there and just walked in with her own keys like she still lived there! I was so freaked out. I was like, "what is she doing here?" And she was like, "what is she doing here?" And he was like, "Just shut up, the both of yous!"
Oh, my god, Leah.
So she's like, "Get out of my house!" Like it's even still her house. And I'm like "Whatever!" And she's like, picking up her cellphone like she's going to call someone, and my boyfriend is like, "Okay, okay, everyone just relax." Because what's she going to do? Call the cops? He's already a cop! Duh. So, I'm like, "Fine, I'm leaving." And I totally just leave.
Good for you! Did he come running after you?
No, that's when she pretends suddenly like she's having stomach pains, so of course, since she's pregnant, he's all, like, trying to take care of her. So I just left, and now I don't know what's going on.
Oh! You haven't talked since?
No, we talk. Please. I'd kill him if he didn't call. But sometimes I just feel like he's not serious enough about this. Like, why does she still have his keys? Why does she still have all her stuff there?
I'm sure it's just a process. It takes time. Like, with my fiance, it took time before we moved in together.
So, you guys have fights and all that, too?
Oh, no! We never fight. He loves me too much. Oh. But that doesn't mean your boyfriend doesn't love you! Everyone loves differently. Have some more of my coffee!
Joni, oh my god, I am freaking out.
Okay, I brought you a cup of my secret special blend. So you can relax, and let's figure this out. What's going on?
Oh my god, I'm not even sure. Does this have sugar in it?
Shh, shh, it's a secret blend. You'll like it! Just try it!
Okay, because I really can't have sugar.
No problem!
I'm serious. Sugar makes me get all bloated, then I crash. Like a total sugar crash. Like, last week, I got home and I was kind of tired and my boyfriend totally asked if I had sugar. He was like, "Leah, did you have sugar?" Because I was all out of it. Oh my god, my boyfriend! Joni!
Okay, just tell me about it. I'm sure it's going to be okay. What you two have can't be torn apart by just sugar.
I know, totally. But his ex-wife keeps sneaking around there. This weekend she came over while I was there and just walked in with her own keys like she still lived there! I was so freaked out. I was like, "what is she doing here?" And she was like, "what is she doing here?" And he was like, "Just shut up, the both of yous!"
Oh, my god, Leah.
So she's like, "Get out of my house!" Like it's even still her house. And I'm like "Whatever!" And she's like, picking up her cellphone like she's going to call someone, and my boyfriend is like, "Okay, okay, everyone just relax." Because what's she going to do? Call the cops? He's already a cop! Duh. So, I'm like, "Fine, I'm leaving." And I totally just leave.
Good for you! Did he come running after you?
No, that's when she pretends suddenly like she's having stomach pains, so of course, since she's pregnant, he's all, like, trying to take care of her. So I just left, and now I don't know what's going on.
Oh! You haven't talked since?
No, we talk. Please. I'd kill him if he didn't call. But sometimes I just feel like he's not serious enough about this. Like, why does she still have his keys? Why does she still have all her stuff there?
I'm sure it's just a process. It takes time. Like, with my fiance, it took time before we moved in together.
So, you guys have fights and all that, too?
Oh, no! We never fight. He loves me too much. Oh. But that doesn't mean your boyfriend doesn't love you! Everyone loves differently. Have some more of my coffee!
Monday, June 20, 2005
Hey, MG. Can I borrow your glue gun? Right away?
Roger. Why would I have a glue gun?
You don't have one?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes?
Oh.
Why do you need a glue gun, anyway?
Nothing. Nevermind. Oh! Wait, can I have some gum? Like, a lot?
Roger. Why would I have a glue gun?
You don't have one?
No.
Are you sure?
Yes?
Oh.
Why do you need a glue gun, anyway?
Nothing. Nevermind. Oh! Wait, can I have some gum? Like, a lot?
Friday, June 17, 2005
Hey, Vinnie. Plans for the weekend?
Oh, MG. I mostly just take it easy these days. A friend's gallery show is closing, they're having a little reception. I'll probably stop by.
That sounds nice. A glass of wine, a little artsy shmoozing?
MG, you know I don't drink anymore. Or maybe you don't know.
Gosh, Vin, that's right. I did know that. I'm sorry.
No, girlyfriend, don't be sorry. It's not a big deal. There was a time, though! I would have been the star of that little gallery reception.
Heh. I'll bet.
Not in a good way, though. It seemed fun at the time, and let me tell you, I thought I was the star of the arty party universe. I thought I was having fun – I was having fun, for a while. Now I realize, everyone but me could tell what a miserable catastrophe I was. Kind of like Alana.
Really? You think Alana has a problem? I never noticed.
Not like that. I mean the way she is with rationing office supplies. Feelings of invincibility and delusions of grandeur a go go.
Ha. Too true. Alright, Vin. Have a good weekend. Go easy on the seltzer.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Come in? Come in!
MG.
Good morning, Alana. How are you?
MG, you can't leave this door closed.
I had just pulled it shut for a second to-- Alana, I can't?
No. You can't.
And that is because...?
Did you have a particular reason for keeping it closed?
Yeah, it gets really noisy sometimes. I can hear everyone's conversations from the cubicles, and I can hear people playing their voicemail on speaker phone. I just needed it a little quieter.
Well, you have to have a good reason to shut the door. Like if you had a run in your stockings and you had to change them. But you don't even wear stockings, do you? You don't want to hear other people's conversations is not a reason.
Well, if people didn't play their voicemail on speaker phone, over and over, I wouldn't even think about it. But everyone's voices--
You've barely had this office for two months and you already think you're better than everyone else.
Alana! I don't think I'm better than--
I'm just trying to help you, anyway. Abusing a privilege that you don't even deserve isn't going to help you make friends around here, you know.
MG.
Good morning, Alana. How are you?
MG, you can't leave this door closed.
I had just pulled it shut for a second to-- Alana, I can't?
No. You can't.
And that is because...?
Did you have a particular reason for keeping it closed?
Yeah, it gets really noisy sometimes. I can hear everyone's conversations from the cubicles, and I can hear people playing their voicemail on speaker phone. I just needed it a little quieter.
Well, you have to have a good reason to shut the door. Like if you had a run in your stockings and you had to change them. But you don't even wear stockings, do you? You don't want to hear other people's conversations is not a reason.
Well, if people didn't play their voicemail on speaker phone, over and over, I wouldn't even think about it. But everyone's voices--
You've barely had this office for two months and you already think you're better than everyone else.
Alana! I don't think I'm better than--
I'm just trying to help you, anyway. Abusing a privilege that you don't even deserve isn't going to help you make friends around here, you know.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Good morning, Winkyshock.
No, there's nobody by that name here.
No, this is not a private residence, it's a corporation. Winkyshock.
There is no employee by that name here.
Hm. No, her husband wouldn't be available, either.
No, there's nobody by that name here.
No, this is not a private residence, it's a corporation. Winkyshock.
There is no employee by that name here.
Hm. No, her husband wouldn't be available, either.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Joni, I am ultra freaking out. Did you hear the message my boyfriend left me?
No. What did he say? Oh my god, Leah, is everything okay with you guys?
Okay, do you want to hear the message?
Of course!
No, I'll just tell you. He was like, "hi, give me a call when you get a chance."
Okay? Wait, Leah, how did he say it?
I know! That's it, right? Because, earlier, I called him, and his wife totally answered his cell phone.
Oh, my god! What is she doing there?
I know! He told me they're not together any more! And I was like, "Excuse me? I thought you weren't together any more!" And he tried to play it off like she had just showed up, like, "She just came over, I couldn't help it!"
Well, maybe she did.
But irregardless! I told him, I said, "If she just shows up, you just tell her to leave! What's hard about that?" And he gets all like, trying to blame it on the kid, who she always brings along to make him feel guilty, and now since she's pregnant--
Leah, she's pregnant? How did that happen?
I know! That just proves she's a little whore, cheating on him. Because he hasn't slept with her in like, forever. That's what he says. He says, "I have not touched that woman in the longest." So, it's all crazy. And then he leaves that message, so what am I supposed to think, right?
Of course right! I think you should teach him a lesson about how you should treat people. Definitely don't call him back right away.
No. What did he say? Oh my god, Leah, is everything okay with you guys?
Okay, do you want to hear the message?
Of course!
No, I'll just tell you. He was like, "hi, give me a call when you get a chance."
Okay? Wait, Leah, how did he say it?
I know! That's it, right? Because, earlier, I called him, and his wife totally answered his cell phone.
Oh, my god! What is she doing there?
I know! He told me they're not together any more! And I was like, "Excuse me? I thought you weren't together any more!" And he tried to play it off like she had just showed up, like, "She just came over, I couldn't help it!"
Well, maybe she did.
But irregardless! I told him, I said, "If she just shows up, you just tell her to leave! What's hard about that?" And he gets all like, trying to blame it on the kid, who she always brings along to make him feel guilty, and now since she's pregnant--
Leah, she's pregnant? How did that happen?
I know! That just proves she's a little whore, cheating on him. Because he hasn't slept with her in like, forever. That's what he says. He says, "I have not touched that woman in the longest." So, it's all crazy. And then he leaves that message, so what am I supposed to think, right?
Of course right! I think you should teach him a lesson about how you should treat people. Definitely don't call him back right away.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Hey, Princess, it's me. Um, give me a call when you get a chance.
Friday, June 10, 2005
She didn't want them, did she, Joni?
Hey, Alana. I don't think it's like that. I think she appreciated the signs.
Joni, that girl doesn't appreciate anything. You're wasting your time trying to be nice to her.
Alana, it's never a waste of time to try to be nice to someone. I think she might just be a little upset because I took over her job.
Are you kidding? That's the best thing that ever happened to her. She got a big office that she doesn't deserve, and now she doesn't have to do all the things that she used to mess up all the time. Like photocopying, answering phones...
Come on, Alana. No one can mess up photocopying! It's like breathing!
Believe me, she found ways. Don't waste your cute signs on her. She probably doesn't even have an inbox and outbox.
Since you mention it, she didn't seem to be able to find them right away.
Ha! See? Who can't find their inbox? I don't know how she finds her way to work in the morning. That's probably why she's always late.
Hey, Alana. I don't think it's like that. I think she appreciated the signs.
Joni, that girl doesn't appreciate anything. You're wasting your time trying to be nice to her.
Alana, it's never a waste of time to try to be nice to someone. I think she might just be a little upset because I took over her job.
Are you kidding? That's the best thing that ever happened to her. She got a big office that she doesn't deserve, and now she doesn't have to do all the things that she used to mess up all the time. Like photocopying, answering phones...
Come on, Alana. No one can mess up photocopying! It's like breathing!
Believe me, she found ways. Don't waste your cute signs on her. She probably doesn't even have an inbox and outbox.
Since you mention it, she didn't seem to be able to find them right away.
Ha! See? Who can't find their inbox? I don't know how she finds her way to work in the morning. That's probably why she's always late.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Surprise! Here you go, MG. I brought you two "happy Thursday afternoon" treats. Or three, really. Depending on how you count them up.
Huh. Hi, Joni. I don't think I need any--
First, where's your coaster? I'll just set this down on it.
Um, anywhere's fine. But I don't really need--
Oh, silly. Would I put a coffee cup down on your desk with no coaster? No way! What kind of stinky co-worker would I be then?
Go ahead. I'll, um, get the coaster later.
Ok, so that's number one: a piping hot cup of my secret special blend. I think I'll have another convert! And, two, well, two and three actually - where's your inbox and outbox? I made special signs for them.
Wow. I think I really couldn't--
I got Alana to order a pack of sparkly silver and gold markers. I learned how to do lettering like this in my sorority. Isn't it just too adorable, with the little bubbles at the corner of each letter? So, where are they, the inbox and outbox?
Oh. They're, um, well, I could just hold on to those and put them on later.
Don't be silly, MG! I don't mind at all. I'll just go ahead and tape them right on. Where are they?
Joni, I-- oh, god! I can't believe I knocked over your special coffee. I am--
I'll just run and get some paper towels. I'm sure you didn't mean to. Don't worry about it. At all. It is no big deal.
Sorry, Joni, it was an accident.
Of course! You don't think I'd take a little accident like that personally, do you? What kind of kooky co-worker would I be then? I'll just go get the 409 and the towels and a sponge. Do not feel bad about it. I totally, totally mean it.
Huh. Hi, Joni. I don't think I need any--
First, where's your coaster? I'll just set this down on it.
Um, anywhere's fine. But I don't really need--
Oh, silly. Would I put a coffee cup down on your desk with no coaster? No way! What kind of stinky co-worker would I be then?
Go ahead. I'll, um, get the coaster later.
Ok, so that's number one: a piping hot cup of my secret special blend. I think I'll have another convert! And, two, well, two and three actually - where's your inbox and outbox? I made special signs for them.
Wow. I think I really couldn't--
I got Alana to order a pack of sparkly silver and gold markers. I learned how to do lettering like this in my sorority. Isn't it just too adorable, with the little bubbles at the corner of each letter? So, where are they, the inbox and outbox?
Oh. They're, um, well, I could just hold on to those and put them on later.
Don't be silly, MG! I don't mind at all. I'll just go ahead and tape them right on. Where are they?
Joni, I-- oh, god! I can't believe I knocked over your special coffee. I am--
I'll just run and get some paper towels. I'm sure you didn't mean to. Don't worry about it. At all. It is no big deal.
Sorry, Joni, it was an accident.
Of course! You don't think I'd take a little accident like that personally, do you? What kind of kooky co-worker would I be then? I'll just go get the 409 and the towels and a sponge. Do not feel bad about it. I totally, totally mean it.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Vinnie. I'd ask if you're just happy to see me, but I know better. What's going on down there?
Oh, MG. This. My emergency flashlight. This whole evacuation kit thing is getting into my head. I think it's the heat.
The heat's getting to me, too. What's that have to do with a flashlight in your pocket? Trying to impress someone?
Very funny, miss gutter-mind. I was thinking about how asinine this whole evacuation slash terror preparedness slash scare-me-into-a-manic-state thing is, and then I thought, well, if everything does go from bad to worse somehow, it would be good to have an emergency kit nearby. Then I was looking through the kit and I thought, well, will bandaids really do any good? Will I really need a personal biohazard bag? But, if you think about it, it never hurts to have a flashlight. Like, say we do have to go down those nasty emergency stairwells, and we can't see. I don't want to step on whatever or whoever might be in there. So then I thought, well, I made myself clear about the fanny pack problem, but it might not hurt to have a flashlight. The thought of being without it started to really stress me out. All I could think about was the lights suddenly going out, at any minute. So, I'm doing a little experiment where I'm going to carry around just the flashlight with me for a few days and see if I feel calmer.
And, do you?
I don't know about calmer. But the janitor's all of a sudden being really friendly.
Oh, MG. This. My emergency flashlight. This whole evacuation kit thing is getting into my head. I think it's the heat.
The heat's getting to me, too. What's that have to do with a flashlight in your pocket? Trying to impress someone?
Very funny, miss gutter-mind. I was thinking about how asinine this whole evacuation slash terror preparedness slash scare-me-into-a-manic-state thing is, and then I thought, well, if everything does go from bad to worse somehow, it would be good to have an emergency kit nearby. Then I was looking through the kit and I thought, well, will bandaids really do any good? Will I really need a personal biohazard bag? But, if you think about it, it never hurts to have a flashlight. Like, say we do have to go down those nasty emergency stairwells, and we can't see. I don't want to step on whatever or whoever might be in there. So then I thought, well, I made myself clear about the fanny pack problem, but it might not hurt to have a flashlight. The thought of being without it started to really stress me out. All I could think about was the lights suddenly going out, at any minute. So, I'm doing a little experiment where I'm going to carry around just the flashlight with me for a few days and see if I feel calmer.
And, do you?
I don't know about calmer. But the janitor's all of a sudden being really friendly.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Good morning, MG! Can you believe how gorgeous the weather is?
Hi, Joni. Yeah. It's hot. Freezing in here, but it's sure hot outside.
I just love it! My fiance and I love to blast the air conditioner and snuggle in under the fluffy down duvet. You get the deepest sleep that way.
Huh.
You, you look like you barely got any sleep at all!
Yeah, I turn the fan all the way up and kick off the sheets, but it's still too hot to sleep.
Poor you! No wonder you look like something the cat dragged in. No offense! Uh-oh! Is that iced coffee you're drinking?
Yep.
Oh, MG. Iced coffee is really hard on your stomach.
I haven't had a problem.
Well, you might not notice it, but it is. It's true. I read it on this internet site for brides. All the girls say that iced coffee is harder on your stomach than hot coffee.
Huh. Why is that?
Oh, I didn't get every little detail. I just know I read it. How about I bring you a nice hot cup of my special secret blend that I whip up every morning?
That's okay. I like iced coffee when it's hot out.
It's no trouble! I think it will be just the thing to perk you up a litte, get you up to speed for the day! I think it will be just what you need.
Joni, thanks. But I think what I need is to get an air conditioner in my apartment. And, until the iced coffee does what it's supposed to, a little quiet. No offense.
Hi, Joni. Yeah. It's hot. Freezing in here, but it's sure hot outside.
I just love it! My fiance and I love to blast the air conditioner and snuggle in under the fluffy down duvet. You get the deepest sleep that way.
Huh.
You, you look like you barely got any sleep at all!
Yeah, I turn the fan all the way up and kick off the sheets, but it's still too hot to sleep.
Poor you! No wonder you look like something the cat dragged in. No offense! Uh-oh! Is that iced coffee you're drinking?
Yep.
Oh, MG. Iced coffee is really hard on your stomach.
I haven't had a problem.
Well, you might not notice it, but it is. It's true. I read it on this internet site for brides. All the girls say that iced coffee is harder on your stomach than hot coffee.
Huh. Why is that?
Oh, I didn't get every little detail. I just know I read it. How about I bring you a nice hot cup of my special secret blend that I whip up every morning?
That's okay. I like iced coffee when it's hot out.
It's no trouble! I think it will be just the thing to perk you up a litte, get you up to speed for the day! I think it will be just what you need.
Joni, thanks. But I think what I need is to get an air conditioner in my apartment. And, until the iced coffee does what it's supposed to, a little quiet. No offense.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Hey, Vinnie. Pretty flowers.
Thank you, MG. They're there to remind me that it is possible to live and thrive in this office. At least until they wilt and turn brown. What's going on?
I was just wondering, have you been in to see Nina lately?
Oh, no. I never go in there if I can help it. That space is just too chaotic.
Chaotic? Her office looks like it was pulled straight out of the pages of Modern Office Austerity or something.
Oh, not that. I like the minimalist thing she has going on, it's very zen. But the space is pure chaos. The mental space. You go in there and it's like you can hear every nerve fraying. Bzzt, bzzt, bzzt. It is like a bug zapper.
Yeah, that's what I was wondering about. She seems super stressed out. More than usual, I mean.
Maybe her meds are out of whack.
Whatever it is, it kept me from getting in trouble. But she seems a little unstable.
Thank you, MG. They're there to remind me that it is possible to live and thrive in this office. At least until they wilt and turn brown. What's going on?
I was just wondering, have you been in to see Nina lately?
Oh, no. I never go in there if I can help it. That space is just too chaotic.
Chaotic? Her office looks like it was pulled straight out of the pages of Modern Office Austerity or something.
Oh, not that. I like the minimalist thing she has going on, it's very zen. But the space is pure chaos. The mental space. You go in there and it's like you can hear every nerve fraying. Bzzt, bzzt, bzzt. It is like a bug zapper.
Yeah, that's what I was wondering about. She seems super stressed out. More than usual, I mean.
Maybe her meds are out of whack.
Whatever it is, it kept me from getting in trouble. But she seems a little unstable.
Friday, June 03, 2005
MG, can I borow your tape?
Sure, Roger. Wait. What for?
I'm just going to play a little trick on Jay. It's gonna be sweet!
With scotch tape?
Yeah. I wrap tape around the receiver to hold it down to the phone, so when someone calls and he tries to answer, he'll pick up the receiver and try to talk into it, and it will keep ringing. He'll be like "Hello? Hello? Hello?"
How will he pick up the receiver if you tape it down? And won't he notice tape all over it?
No! Because... wait.
Roger, I think you're mixing up the trick where you just put tape over the little clicky part under the receiver. Then he can pick it up normally, but it won't connect. Much harder to notice, too.
MG! Awesome! You're like a criminal mastermind! I can't wait to see the look on his face when I get him, and then tell him it was your idea!
Sure, Roger. Wait. What for?
I'm just going to play a little trick on Jay. It's gonna be sweet!
With scotch tape?
Yeah. I wrap tape around the receiver to hold it down to the phone, so when someone calls and he tries to answer, he'll pick up the receiver and try to talk into it, and it will keep ringing. He'll be like "Hello? Hello? Hello?"
How will he pick up the receiver if you tape it down? And won't he notice tape all over it?
No! Because... wait.
Roger, I think you're mixing up the trick where you just put tape over the little clicky part under the receiver. Then he can pick it up normally, but it won't connect. Much harder to notice, too.
MG! Awesome! You're like a criminal mastermind! I can't wait to see the look on his face when I get him, and then tell him it was your idea!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
MG, can you come in here a minute, please?
Sure, Nina. I'm sorry, I--
MG, you were sick on Monday.
No, I actually wasn't. I'm sorry, I didn't know--
MG, you were sick on Monday.
Nina, I made a mistake. I should have paid more--
MG. I don't want to hear anymore whining from anyone about who did what and who doesn't do what they're supposed to. Do me a favor, don't give Al-- anyone any more reasons to come into my office complaining about "team players" and "shared responsibilities" and "appropriate penalties," wah, wah, wah. I have work I need to do, and I don't have the time or the patience to be a playpen referee. So. You were sick on Monday, you're not being reported anywhere, because, frankly, that would be more paperwork for me.
Um, thanks.
Just try to pay a little more attention, would you?
Yes.
And one more thing? Would you mind running down and grabbing me a latte?
Half caf caramel, two equals, no whip?
You've got it. I can only take so much of Joni's "special secret blend." I think she's secretly trying to dial down my caffeine. I need the real stuff. Here's four bucks.
Thanks, Nina. This one will be on me. On purpose, I mean.
Sure, Nina. I'm sorry, I--
MG, you were sick on Monday.
No, I actually wasn't. I'm sorry, I didn't know--
MG, you were sick on Monday.
Nina, I made a mistake. I should have paid more--
MG. I don't want to hear anymore whining from anyone about who did what and who doesn't do what they're supposed to. Do me a favor, don't give Al-- anyone any more reasons to come into my office complaining about "team players" and "shared responsibilities" and "appropriate penalties," wah, wah, wah. I have work I need to do, and I don't have the time or the patience to be a playpen referee. So. You were sick on Monday, you're not being reported anywhere, because, frankly, that would be more paperwork for me.
Um, thanks.
Just try to pay a little more attention, would you?
Yes.
And one more thing? Would you mind running down and grabbing me a latte?
Half caf caramel, two equals, no whip?
You've got it. I can only take so much of Joni's "special secret blend." I think she's secretly trying to dial down my caffeine. I need the real stuff. Here's four bucks.
Thanks, Nina. This one will be on me. On purpose, I mean.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Hey, Jay. Come on in.
How are ya, MG? Good Memorial Day?
Yeah, it was. Until I got back and talked to Alana. Were we seriously supposed to be here? How was anyone supposed to know?
Oh, yeah. They mentioned it at the last meeting.
Oh. That would explain it. I've got to make it to one of those one of these days. I swear, I don't know how they expect us to remember when they are.
They do have those email reminders on the same day, usually.
I know. But that's in the morning. By four o'clock, it might as well be a week later. You know?
Um, sure, MG.
Okay, okay, Jay, you don't have to look at me like that. I know I'm not on anybody's short-list for employee of the month. But I'm just saying, if they expect anyone to show up at those stupid things, they should make a little more of an effort. It's probably always, like, half-empty, right?
Actually, you're usually the only one--
Alright, alright. Nevermind. Let me just sit here and look penitent for when Nina comes in to 'touch base' or 'get on the same page' or 'discuss my apparent complete and utter lack of team spirit and motivation.'
How are ya, MG? Good Memorial Day?
Yeah, it was. Until I got back and talked to Alana. Were we seriously supposed to be here? How was anyone supposed to know?
Oh, yeah. They mentioned it at the last meeting.
Oh. That would explain it. I've got to make it to one of those one of these days. I swear, I don't know how they expect us to remember when they are.
They do have those email reminders on the same day, usually.
I know. But that's in the morning. By four o'clock, it might as well be a week later. You know?
Um, sure, MG.
Okay, okay, Jay, you don't have to look at me like that. I know I'm not on anybody's short-list for employee of the month. But I'm just saying, if they expect anyone to show up at those stupid things, they should make a little more of an effort. It's probably always, like, half-empty, right?
Actually, you're usually the only one--
Alright, alright. Nevermind. Let me just sit here and look penitent for when Nina comes in to 'touch base' or 'get on the same page' or 'discuss my apparent complete and utter lack of team spirit and motivation.'
|
