Wednesday, June 30, 2004
hey, know what time it is?
i shudder to think.
what?
nothing. what time is it?
it’s shhhimmer time!
shimmer time?
yeah. shimmer. it’s this way cool text effect I figured out.
does it, perchance roger, make the reader feel like she’s having some kind of blood flow obstruction in the occipital lobe?
what?
does it make shit really hard to read?
oh. no. it makes it look cool.
makes the words dissolve back and forth into little dots then snap back into focus?
yeah! isn’t it awesome?
you can kind of get the same effect by pushing your knuckles against your eyes really hard then looking at a bright light.
but why would you want to do that? i totally don't get you. anyway, shimmer's not the only one. i was going to surprise everyone, but i'll tell you - the next one is gonna have Vegas Lights. i also like Blinking Background.
oh god.
i'm just trying to figure out a way that you can use both at the same time. i'll tell you when i figure it out.
i think i'll know when people around me start having seizures.
i shudder to think.
what?
nothing. what time is it?
it’s shhhimmer time!
shimmer time?
yeah. shimmer. it’s this way cool text effect I figured out.
does it, perchance roger, make the reader feel like she’s having some kind of blood flow obstruction in the occipital lobe?
what?
does it make shit really hard to read?
oh. no. it makes it look cool.
makes the words dissolve back and forth into little dots then snap back into focus?
yeah! isn’t it awesome?
you can kind of get the same effect by pushing your knuckles against your eyes really hard then looking at a bright light.
but why would you want to do that? i totally don't get you. anyway, shimmer's not the only one. i was going to surprise everyone, but i'll tell you - the next one is gonna have Vegas Lights. i also like Blinking Background.
oh god.
i'm just trying to figure out a way that you can use both at the same time. i'll tell you when i figure it out.
i think i'll know when people around me start having seizures.
headache?
think I’m having a stroke.
what’s wrong?
look at this email.
from roger?
How'd you know?
funky text, right? his are all like that. he sends around jokes to all the guys every few days. someone finally told him to stop using blue text on a yellow background, so then i think he discovered text effects.
ugg. why is this even an option? when would anyone ever need their email to look like this? more to the point, why am I on roger’s joke list?
must consider you one of the guys, lucky girl. wait til you get the friday one. it's usually a visual.
lucky me. isn’t there some kind of idiot filter option on this thing?
c’mon, what would ever make it through, then?
true enough. i thought you didn’t get email, by the way?
yeah, it just started working one day. same day that my name started coming up on my caller id instead of the lady who used to sit here. somebody must have flipped a switch somewhere or something.
right, sure. the master telecom switch. whatever, that's good i guess though, right?
i guess. i always kind of liked knowing that people’s phones said Cynthia Snit whenever I called.
take our thrills where we can.
think I’m having a stroke.
what’s wrong?
look at this email.
from roger?
How'd you know?
funky text, right? his are all like that. he sends around jokes to all the guys every few days. someone finally told him to stop using blue text on a yellow background, so then i think he discovered text effects.
ugg. why is this even an option? when would anyone ever need their email to look like this? more to the point, why am I on roger’s joke list?
must consider you one of the guys, lucky girl. wait til you get the friday one. it's usually a visual.
lucky me. isn’t there some kind of idiot filter option on this thing?
c’mon, what would ever make it through, then?
true enough. i thought you didn’t get email, by the way?
yeah, it just started working one day. same day that my name started coming up on my caller id instead of the lady who used to sit here. somebody must have flipped a switch somewhere or something.
right, sure. the master telecom switch. whatever, that's good i guess though, right?
i guess. i always kind of liked knowing that people’s phones said Cynthia Snit whenever I called.
take our thrills where we can.
Monday, June 28, 2004
roger, can you come in here a minute? and, oh, would you be a sweetheart and grab me a cup of coffee? thank you.
ok.
ah, perfect. you're a lamb. now, how many candidates did you idtentify for the diversity augmentation and retention program?
identify?
choose, roger. how many interview request letters did you send out to potential darps?
well, all of them.
all of them? all fifty! don't joke with me! tell me you're joking!
um...
how am i supposed to interview fifty college students? why didn't you have me sign off on this?
it was when that delivery guy came, and your door was closed. and it was last call for mail. so i thought i better just send them out.
well, this is a very sought after internship, as you know, and i imagine, if they know what's good for them, every single student will call this week for an interview. we can only set up interviews for the first five who call - i don't have the time or the patience. ok? so everyone else, i need you to turn them away. no matter how they plead.
ok.
don't be swayed when they whine about their transcripts and their grades and their extracurriculars and blah blah blah. the first five. then we'll choose two of those and they'll be happy and the office will be more diverse and i'll have someone to get me my coffee everyday. we'll be done with it and everyone will be happy. do you understand?
sure, i guess.
ok.
ah, perfect. you're a lamb. now, how many candidates did you idtentify for the diversity augmentation and retention program?
identify?
choose, roger. how many interview request letters did you send out to potential darps?
well, all of them.
all of them? all fifty! don't joke with me! tell me you're joking!
um...
how am i supposed to interview fifty college students? why didn't you have me sign off on this?
it was when that delivery guy came, and your door was closed. and it was last call for mail. so i thought i better just send them out.
well, this is a very sought after internship, as you know, and i imagine, if they know what's good for them, every single student will call this week for an interview. we can only set up interviews for the first five who call - i don't have the time or the patience. ok? so everyone else, i need you to turn them away. no matter how they plead.
ok.
don't be swayed when they whine about their transcripts and their grades and their extracurriculars and blah blah blah. the first five. then we'll choose two of those and they'll be happy and the office will be more diverse and i'll have someone to get me my coffee everyday. we'll be done with it and everyone will be happy. do you understand?
sure, i guess.
Friday, June 25, 2004
uh, mg, are you waiting for it to say something?
no, i'm just trying to figure out the note taped to the front.
hmm, says all food will be all thrown out on friday, if you don't want your food thrown out, then label it with a clearly labeled note. um, that's clear enough, more or less, isn't it?
well, i'm first off going to just ignore the spelling. the word 'labeled,' i'll admit, that's a tough one. anyone could spell it with two l's. but how do you put a u in thrown? twice?
fair enough. but you do know what they're trying to say.
i'm not sure. a clearly labeled note? am i supposed to leave some kind of note, and then label it with some other information?
c'mon, you know the note is what should be clear.
ok, is this because they had a rash of ambiguous notes on the leftovers? did someone write on their sandwich, 'i might prefer it if maybe this weren't disposed of but then again it doesn't matter so handle as you see fit?'
ha, like anyone could string together a sentence that long.
and "friday." when is "friday?"
um, now?
really? then why is the word friday in quotes? are they talking about a day that is similar to friday as we know it in some regards but not others? or maybe thursday, as in "thursday is the new 'friday?'"
some people use quotation marks for emphasis.
some people use mayonnaise as a tooth whitener. doesn't mean it's a good idea.
yea-- wait, they do?
no, i'm just trying to figure out the note taped to the front.
hmm, says all food will be all thrown out on friday, if you don't want your food thrown out, then label it with a clearly labeled note. um, that's clear enough, more or less, isn't it?
well, i'm first off going to just ignore the spelling. the word 'labeled,' i'll admit, that's a tough one. anyone could spell it with two l's. but how do you put a u in thrown? twice?
fair enough. but you do know what they're trying to say.
i'm not sure. a clearly labeled note? am i supposed to leave some kind of note, and then label it with some other information?
c'mon, you know the note is what should be clear.
ok, is this because they had a rash of ambiguous notes on the leftovers? did someone write on their sandwich, 'i might prefer it if maybe this weren't disposed of but then again it doesn't matter so handle as you see fit?'
ha, like anyone could string together a sentence that long.
and "friday." when is "friday?"
um, now?
really? then why is the word friday in quotes? are they talking about a day that is similar to friday as we know it in some regards but not others? or maybe thursday, as in "thursday is the new 'friday?'"
some people use quotation marks for emphasis.
some people use mayonnaise as a tooth whitener. doesn't mean it's a good idea.
yea-- wait, they do?
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
roger, how are we doing on that project i gave you?
fine. i sent out all the stuff yesterday.
yesterday? those letters should have gone out a week ago! we have a deadline!
oh. i didn't know there was a deadline.
we should be interviewing candidates by now!
oh. sorry.
this will set us back a week! all the best interns will be taken already! we'll end up with only the stupid children! and didn't i tell you not to talk to the cubicle people?
fine. i sent out all the stuff yesterday.
yesterday? those letters should have gone out a week ago! we have a deadline!
oh. i didn't know there was a deadline.
we should be interviewing candidates by now!
oh. sorry.
this will set us back a week! all the best interns will be taken already! we'll end up with only the stupid children! and didn't i tell you not to talk to the cubicle people?
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
what the frick is this?
what?
last stack of the day and i got a buncha frickin envelopes with no addresses.
whaddya mean?
big pile on the bottom of the cart. ah, jeez, they're all sticky, and no frickin addresses.
you sure?
yeah. looks like a big clump of stickers all gumped together, too. now how am i supposed to separate this mess? whadda they think, we're running some kinda psychic emporium in the mailroom?
know who was trying to send 'em?
nah, chuck just dropped the cart off after last pick-up and then he left.
no return addresses? don't know what floor they came from, even?
nah, just the company envelopes. could be anyone in the building.
these jackasses.
you're tellin me. there's like 50 of these things and they all look the same. only three of em still have labels on them. for pete's sake, these labels look like my kid coulda made them for a school project. what should i do with all this crapola?
ah, just throw 'em out, the ones with no labels. what are you gonna do? if they say anything, they got lost in the mail.
probably nothing important anyway. mailed em right into the circular file.
what?
last stack of the day and i got a buncha frickin envelopes with no addresses.
whaddya mean?
big pile on the bottom of the cart. ah, jeez, they're all sticky, and no frickin addresses.
you sure?
yeah. looks like a big clump of stickers all gumped together, too. now how am i supposed to separate this mess? whadda they think, we're running some kinda psychic emporium in the mailroom?
know who was trying to send 'em?
nah, chuck just dropped the cart off after last pick-up and then he left.
no return addresses? don't know what floor they came from, even?
nah, just the company envelopes. could be anyone in the building.
these jackasses.
you're tellin me. there's like 50 of these things and they all look the same. only three of em still have labels on them. for pete's sake, these labels look like my kid coulda made them for a school project. what should i do with all this crapola?
ah, just throw 'em out, the ones with no labels. what are you gonna do? if they say anything, they got lost in the mail.
probably nothing important anyway. mailed em right into the circular file.
hey, mg, can i borrow your scissors?
i guess. aren't there any in the copy room?
yeah, but those are, like, backwards or something. mine are, too. none of them cut.
oh, yeah, that could be. the last boss was left-handed and he bought only lefty ones for everyone. mine are leftover from the boss before that. but i need them back, roger.
ok, ok. can i get some glue and a ruler, too?
roger, what is it you're doing, exactly?
i'm making address labels for the resume project i've been working on. i kept trying to print them out, but first they came out on the wrong printer. then i got the right printer, but they printed out sideways over a whole bunch of envelopes that somebody left there. then i put the labels in the paper tray before lunch and when i came back i printed them again, but they came out on that thicker paper that has the winkyshock logo on it--
letterhead?
ok, then you're a paperhead.
roger, for godsake, that thick paper is called-- nevermind. so then what happened?
so then i was like forget it. the labels disappear every time i set them up in the printer so i'll just use the ones on paper. so i'm going to cut them out and glue them on. see, like homemade mailing labels. i think it will save time in the long run, than putting labels in, going back to my office, printing them out, then coming to get them and they're printed out on, like, something random.
roger, as dumb as that still is, this is the closest i've ever come to sort of agreeing with you.
i can never even tell if you're saying something bad about me or not.
take the glue stick and get out of here, buddy. oh, and hey! roger! can you still hear me? for chrissakes, don't leave labels in the printer when you go to lunch!
dude, did she say something?
i guess. aren't there any in the copy room?
yeah, but those are, like, backwards or something. mine are, too. none of them cut.
oh, yeah, that could be. the last boss was left-handed and he bought only lefty ones for everyone. mine are leftover from the boss before that. but i need them back, roger.
ok, ok. can i get some glue and a ruler, too?
roger, what is it you're doing, exactly?
i'm making address labels for the resume project i've been working on. i kept trying to print them out, but first they came out on the wrong printer. then i got the right printer, but they printed out sideways over a whole bunch of envelopes that somebody left there. then i put the labels in the paper tray before lunch and when i came back i printed them again, but they came out on that thicker paper that has the winkyshock logo on it--
letterhead?
ok, then you're a paperhead.
roger, for godsake, that thick paper is called-- nevermind. so then what happened?
so then i was like forget it. the labels disappear every time i set them up in the printer so i'll just use the ones on paper. so i'm going to cut them out and glue them on. see, like homemade mailing labels. i think it will save time in the long run, than putting labels in, going back to my office, printing them out, then coming to get them and they're printed out on, like, something random.
roger, as dumb as that still is, this is the closest i've ever come to sort of agreeing with you.
i can never even tell if you're saying something bad about me or not.
take the glue stick and get out of here, buddy. oh, and hey! roger! can you still hear me? for chrissakes, don't leave labels in the printer when you go to lunch!
dude, did she say something?
Monday, June 21, 2004
heya, mg, what's that, some kind of art project?
yeah, right, jay. i call it 'memo on 24 mailing labels.'
intriiiguing. tell us more.
it's my commentary on how the corporation subverts identity and recontextualizes the method and meaning of communicative strategies.
hmm. fascinating. so basically, you tried to print out a memo on the color copier down the hall not realizing that some chucklehead had left a sheet of mailing labels in the autofeed tray?
um, that would be another interpretation. god, there's no way around this. even if i check the machine first, someone always seems to slip some other kind of paper into the machine by the time i get back to the cubicle. like some kind of modern day greek myth punishment. it's like it's guaranteed to get fucked up if you don't have someone stationed by the printer with a walkie-talkie telling you when to hit send.
now, there's an idea.
i'm so sick of this. i want to just stick all these labels to a sheet of paper in random order and let them figure out what the memo was supposed to say.
like those fridge magnets.
exactly. not like everyone's clamoring for another memo on the upcoming 'workplace diversification and academically oriented social responsibility augmentation initiative' anyway.
well, if it's any consolation, somewhere there's somebody with a sheet of mailing labels printed out on company letterhead.
theirs probably printed out fine and they just left an extra sheet behind to torment me.
yeah, right, jay. i call it 'memo on 24 mailing labels.'
intriiiguing. tell us more.
it's my commentary on how the corporation subverts identity and recontextualizes the method and meaning of communicative strategies.
hmm. fascinating. so basically, you tried to print out a memo on the color copier down the hall not realizing that some chucklehead had left a sheet of mailing labels in the autofeed tray?
um, that would be another interpretation. god, there's no way around this. even if i check the machine first, someone always seems to slip some other kind of paper into the machine by the time i get back to the cubicle. like some kind of modern day greek myth punishment. it's like it's guaranteed to get fucked up if you don't have someone stationed by the printer with a walkie-talkie telling you when to hit send.
now, there's an idea.
i'm so sick of this. i want to just stick all these labels to a sheet of paper in random order and let them figure out what the memo was supposed to say.
like those fridge magnets.
exactly. not like everyone's clamoring for another memo on the upcoming 'workplace diversification and academically oriented social responsibility augmentation initiative' anyway.
well, if it's any consolation, somewhere there's somebody with a sheet of mailing labels printed out on company letterhead.
theirs probably printed out fine and they just left an extra sheet behind to torment me.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
hey! working, or working hard?
what?
you know, it's like a joke. working, or working hard?
roger, how is that a joke?
wait, i messed it up. i know! it's: working, or hardly working?
nope, still not much of a joke, roger. and i am in fact working, if you don't mind.
no, wait! i have to figure this out! ok, ok, it's: are you hardly working, or not?
oh. hmm. do you mean, maybe, working hard or hardly working?
yes! that's it! wait, is it? i forget what the funny part was.
what?
you know, it's like a joke. working, or working hard?
roger, how is that a joke?
wait, i messed it up. i know! it's: working, or hardly working?
nope, still not much of a joke, roger. and i am in fact working, if you don't mind.
no, wait! i have to figure this out! ok, ok, it's: are you hardly working, or not?
oh. hmm. do you mean, maybe, working hard or hardly working?
yes! that's it! wait, is it? i forget what the funny part was.
i can't believe you're going back already.
i know, it's gone by so fast! it's been such good timing with your building shut down, though. i'm so glad we got to run around the city together. nice little unplanned paid vacation for you.
nah, they won't pay us.
but they must! it's their fault everyone was locked out!
when they kicked us out to remove some kind of toxic mold, we were out for three weeks with no pay.
no!
yep. but it doesn't matter. nice just to be out of there. and all the better that it's while you were here. i feel like back when we were in college, almost, staying out, sleeping late.
it has been lovely. there is something i want to ask you about...
anything.
well, the first day i was here, i was in your little coffee room, and i heard everyone talking.
that's the main thing people do here, if you haven't noticed.
right, right. and i'm sure they were only talking. and i thought i'd just see how it all went, but after a week here i'm still not sure, and as your friend, i felt like i'd really ought to say something...
what's wrong?
well, i wonder, would there be another MG at the office aside from you?
c'mon, what do you think?
right. well, you know i'd never judge, i just worry a bit, but they were saying that they'd found your drugs in the loo and--
my what?
i know maybe it's not really my business, but--
no, anything's your business. what, do you mean the coke they found a few weeks ago?
i don't know, they just said--
was it the little skinny one with the botox?
i couldn't say, really. seemed like all lackeys. the one talking was rather young and mousey, and there was a middle aged lady, and a gay chap--
i think know what's going on here. just when you think things can't get any uglier...
i know, it's gone by so fast! it's been such good timing with your building shut down, though. i'm so glad we got to run around the city together. nice little unplanned paid vacation for you.
nah, they won't pay us.
but they must! it's their fault everyone was locked out!
when they kicked us out to remove some kind of toxic mold, we were out for three weeks with no pay.
no!
yep. but it doesn't matter. nice just to be out of there. and all the better that it's while you were here. i feel like back when we were in college, almost, staying out, sleeping late.
it has been lovely. there is something i want to ask you about...
anything.
well, the first day i was here, i was in your little coffee room, and i heard everyone talking.
that's the main thing people do here, if you haven't noticed.
right, right. and i'm sure they were only talking. and i thought i'd just see how it all went, but after a week here i'm still not sure, and as your friend, i felt like i'd really ought to say something...
what's wrong?
well, i wonder, would there be another MG at the office aside from you?
c'mon, what do you think?
right. well, you know i'd never judge, i just worry a bit, but they were saying that they'd found your drugs in the loo and--
my what?
i know maybe it's not really my business, but--
no, anything's your business. what, do you mean the coke they found a few weeks ago?
i don't know, they just said--
was it the little skinny one with the botox?
i couldn't say, really. seemed like all lackeys. the one talking was rather young and mousey, and there was a middle aged lady, and a gay chap--
i think know what's going on here. just when you think things can't get any uglier...
Monday, June 14, 2004
can you believe we were locked out for two whole days?
i know! they went too far with this automatic stuff. it's one thing for the automatic sinks not to work--
but the doors!
i know! not that i'm complaining. they can lock me out for as long as they want. but if you're going to replace all the locks with electronic ones...
if you're going to spend all the money to switch everything over, then you'd probably want to make some kind of back up plan for a power outage.
i know! they went too far with this automatic stuff. it's one thing for the automatic sinks not to work--
but the doors!
i know! not that i'm complaining. they can lock me out for as long as they want. but if you're going to replace all the locks with electronic ones...
if you're going to spend all the money to switch everything over, then you'd probably want to make some kind of back up plan for a power outage.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
hello, pardon me, could i please just get over to the hot water dispenser there?
oh, go ahead, dear. now. alana. you can't keep hiding this from all of us.
girl, you should just be up front with everyone. we all have a right to know what's going on here.
i swear, you guys, it's nothing!
now, alana, i said to myself, i said, who could have sent those flowers? i know she doesn't have a boyfriend, and it's not administrative assistant's day for almost another whole year, so.
miss mysterioso, you know you're making everybody more curious by not saying anything. when my boyfriend sent me flowers i didn't mind telling everyone about it.
you tell everyone everything about everything, vin. i'm, not like that.
come on, you told us all when you ran into your ex in the meat aisle at the grocery store, and when that guy didn't call you after you made out at the bar, and about your ingrown toenail. why can't you tell us about the flowers?
yeah!
i never made out at a bar! i wouldn't! that was vin.
oh, yeah. whatever. but why not? come on!
ok. the truth is, i'm not supposed to say what they're for.
i told you! i told you about the card! it's true!
you saw the card??
oh. well, yes. it was just sort of sitting out. and i said to myself, it can't mean what it looks like it means, it just can't. and don't think i don't know, i may be a bit older, but i know about these things!
ahhhh! is it true? alana, are you and nina having an affair?
no! we're not having an affair!
that's what it looks like. that's what everybody thinks. so, what, then?
ok, ok. just to kill that rumor! i told nina that i figured out that somebody in the office was on drugs and she gave me the flowers as a thank you. and she specifically said she didn't want me to start any rumors about it, so you guys can't say anything!
oooh, who, who?
vin, i just said i'm not saying.
dear, do you mean the time we figured out it that it was MG who left the white powder in the bathroom that very nearly sent me to the hospital?
um, yeah. but don't say anything to anyone else outside of you guys.
pardon, if i could just get by you there.
who was that?
i don't know. temp?
oh, go ahead, dear. now. alana. you can't keep hiding this from all of us.
girl, you should just be up front with everyone. we all have a right to know what's going on here.
i swear, you guys, it's nothing!
now, alana, i said to myself, i said, who could have sent those flowers? i know she doesn't have a boyfriend, and it's not administrative assistant's day for almost another whole year, so.
miss mysterioso, you know you're making everybody more curious by not saying anything. when my boyfriend sent me flowers i didn't mind telling everyone about it.
you tell everyone everything about everything, vin. i'm, not like that.
come on, you told us all when you ran into your ex in the meat aisle at the grocery store, and when that guy didn't call you after you made out at the bar, and about your ingrown toenail. why can't you tell us about the flowers?
yeah!
i never made out at a bar! i wouldn't! that was vin.
oh, yeah. whatever. but why not? come on!
ok. the truth is, i'm not supposed to say what they're for.
i told you! i told you about the card! it's true!
you saw the card??
oh. well, yes. it was just sort of sitting out. and i said to myself, it can't mean what it looks like it means, it just can't. and don't think i don't know, i may be a bit older, but i know about these things!
ahhhh! is it true? alana, are you and nina having an affair?
no! we're not having an affair!
that's what it looks like. that's what everybody thinks. so, what, then?
ok, ok. just to kill that rumor! i told nina that i figured out that somebody in the office was on drugs and she gave me the flowers as a thank you. and she specifically said she didn't want me to start any rumors about it, so you guys can't say anything!
oooh, who, who?
vin, i just said i'm not saying.
dear, do you mean the time we figured out it that it was MG who left the white powder in the bathroom that very nearly sent me to the hospital?
um, yeah. but don't say anything to anyone else outside of you guys.
pardon, if i could just get by you there.
who was that?
i don't know. temp?
oh! hello! come in! you look great!
and you! you're looking quite well yourself. look at you, all dressed up like a business woman!
ha, not even close. full uniform requires shoes you could stab someone with and all black, all the time. but whatever! so good to see you. you're here! you made it!
well, it is lovely to see you too. and there is no need to sound so surprised that i made it here intact. i have, in fact, been on an aeroplane before, you know, my dear.
no, no, no, i mean you made it through our security downstairs with your suitcase and everything without them calling up. no hassle?
right, that part was a bit surreal. they pawed all through my handbag and insisted i open up my empty little paper cup of tea, but just gave a quick glance at the suitcase! as though perhaps i were hiding a bomb in my tampon case. can't say it inspired great confidence in the security of the building.
but amazing that they let you come up without an escort.
i must say, i do find it rather astonishing how far the british accent will get you here.
yeah, we're suckers like that. enjoy it while you can. let me finish up this email real quick. i keep a secret stash of tea here in my drawer. why don't you run down to the pantry and get yourself a quick cup, then we'll catch up.
right, i passed it on the way in, looked like a few people in there. what should i say if they say anything to me?
ah, they probably won't even notice you.
and you! you're looking quite well yourself. look at you, all dressed up like a business woman!
ha, not even close. full uniform requires shoes you could stab someone with and all black, all the time. but whatever! so good to see you. you're here! you made it!
well, it is lovely to see you too. and there is no need to sound so surprised that i made it here intact. i have, in fact, been on an aeroplane before, you know, my dear.
no, no, no, i mean you made it through our security downstairs with your suitcase and everything without them calling up. no hassle?
right, that part was a bit surreal. they pawed all through my handbag and insisted i open up my empty little paper cup of tea, but just gave a quick glance at the suitcase! as though perhaps i were hiding a bomb in my tampon case. can't say it inspired great confidence in the security of the building.
but amazing that they let you come up without an escort.
i must say, i do find it rather astonishing how far the british accent will get you here.
yeah, we're suckers like that. enjoy it while you can. let me finish up this email real quick. i keep a secret stash of tea here in my drawer. why don't you run down to the pantry and get yourself a quick cup, then we'll catch up.
right, i passed it on the way in, looked like a few people in there. what should i say if they say anything to me?
ah, they probably won't even notice you.
Monday, June 07, 2004
oooh, somebody got herself a man this weekend.
shh, vin, i did not!
mm hmm. well then what are those flowers about?
nothing, vin, just, nothing.
hey, no shame! honey, you don't have to hide. you need to flaunt your new friend! who is he? what happened?
look, vin, it's not a new friend. it's just nothing, ok?
ok, ok. you keep mr. nothing all to yourself. but i know nobody but a straight man would put those colors together.
shh, vin, i did not!
mm hmm. well then what are those flowers about?
nothing, vin, just, nothing.
hey, no shame! honey, you don't have to hide. you need to flaunt your new friend! who is he? what happened?
look, vin, it's not a new friend. it's just nothing, ok?
ok, ok. you keep mr. nothing all to yourself. but i know nobody but a straight man would put those colors together.
alana, those are beautiful!
oh, yeah, thanks.
who are they from?
um, nobody.
come on... is it your boyfriend? a secret admirer?
no.
is it, someone from the office??
sort of.
well, who? why?
i, can't really go into it.
why won't you tell?
i'm just not. it's like there's no privacy around here.
oh, yeah, thanks.
who are they from?
um, nobody.
come on... is it your boyfriend? a secret admirer?
no.
is it, someone from the office??
sort of.
well, who? why?
i, can't really go into it.
why won't you tell?
i'm just not. it's like there's no privacy around here.
yes, good morning, i'd like to order flowers.
you know, flowery flowers. large ones. lots of them. whatever colors you think will get the most attention.
this is ridiculous. you should have our account information on file. we use you all the time, i'm sure of it.
oh. i see, i suppose you would. it's nina. winkyshock. did it come up? yes, yes, that's right. that's my assistant who always takes care of these things.
yes, absolutely. it should read, "our little secret. shhh, nina"
no, nothing else. but i need them here immediately.
is that not your line of business? well, then, as close to immediately as you can manage.
you know, flowery flowers. large ones. lots of them. whatever colors you think will get the most attention.
this is ridiculous. you should have our account information on file. we use you all the time, i'm sure of it.
oh. i see, i suppose you would. it's nina. winkyshock. did it come up? yes, yes, that's right. that's my assistant who always takes care of these things.
yes, absolutely. it should read, "our little secret. shhh, nina"
no, nothing else. but i need them here immediately.
is that not your line of business? well, then, as close to immediately as you can manage.
Friday, June 04, 2004
heya. can you tell me something honestly?
depends.
come on!
sure, sure. what's up?
do i look... funny?
no more than usual.
come on, i'm serious!
nope, look fine to me. what's going on?
well, alana just came and kind of hovered over the top of my cubicle wall for a minute, and when i looked up at her like 'what?' she kind of raised her eyebrows and walked away.
and?
and? and i don't know what it was about.
well, raised her eyebrows like how?
i don't know, kind of smug--
sounds like her--
and kind of like pity. somewhere between smug and pity.
smitty?
goofball. like i had a huge oozing cold sore and she was doing me a favor by not pointing it out. or something.
but you don't. so you're worried about this because...?
she's always so, kind of, timid, around me. bratty, but still seems kind of afraid i might bite her head off. but now she had this brazen sort of look, it was weird.
maybe she's found inner strength in her clean caffeine-free living? who knows. wouldn't worry about it.
do you worry about anything?
that goes on here? not much. it is just work, ya know.
i know, but it just... yeah.
depends.
come on!
sure, sure. what's up?
do i look... funny?
no more than usual.
come on, i'm serious!
nope, look fine to me. what's going on?
well, alana just came and kind of hovered over the top of my cubicle wall for a minute, and when i looked up at her like 'what?' she kind of raised her eyebrows and walked away.
and?
and? and i don't know what it was about.
well, raised her eyebrows like how?
i don't know, kind of smug--
sounds like her--
and kind of like pity. somewhere between smug and pity.
smitty?
goofball. like i had a huge oozing cold sore and she was doing me a favor by not pointing it out. or something.
but you don't. so you're worried about this because...?
she's always so, kind of, timid, around me. bratty, but still seems kind of afraid i might bite her head off. but now she had this brazen sort of look, it was weird.
maybe she's found inner strength in her clean caffeine-free living? who knows. wouldn't worry about it.
do you worry about anything?
that goes on here? not much. it is just work, ya know.
i know, but it just... yeah.
alana! come on in here a minute. have a seat. i've been back a whole week and i feel like we haven't really talked. how are you?
i'm fine.
good, good. that's wonderful. let's catch up. how has everything been going?
fine, i think. i have my new responsibility with the supply room key, so that's added a little bit, but fine.
mm hmm. good. the supply room key, yes. what else is going on?
um, nothing in particular. there's the coffee thing--
yes. i know about that. is there anything else you think we should touch base about? i want you to remember that as a director, it's very important that i be aware of everything that's going on with my team. think, over the last few weeks, has anybody noticed anything out of the ordinary?
um, no. wait! well, i don't know if... well, ok. we think there's someone using drugs here.
alana, drugs? and does everyone, i mean, do you have any idea who it might be?
actually, i think we figured out it--
honey, would you do me a huge favor and close my door?
ok, sure.
i'm fine.
good, good. that's wonderful. let's catch up. how has everything been going?
fine, i think. i have my new responsibility with the supply room key, so that's added a little bit, but fine.
mm hmm. good. the supply room key, yes. what else is going on?
um, nothing in particular. there's the coffee thing--
yes. i know about that. is there anything else you think we should touch base about? i want you to remember that as a director, it's very important that i be aware of everything that's going on with my team. think, over the last few weeks, has anybody noticed anything out of the ordinary?
um, no. wait! well, i don't know if... well, ok. we think there's someone using drugs here.
alana, drugs? and does everyone, i mean, do you have any idea who it might be?
actually, i think we figured out it--
honey, would you do me a huge favor and close my door?
ok, sure.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
roger, are you busy? would you mind coming in here a minute?
sure. what's up? that was really crazy at my uncle's barbeque this weekend when you--
roger, didn't we agree not to talk about outside the office inside the office?
oh, yeah. sorry. i had it backwards in my head.
i'd like to give you a special project to do. i need you to go through this stack of resumes and set up appointments with each of these candidates for our summer internship program. can you do that?
sure. i guess.
now, i need this done quickly, and there's a lot of work here and not a lot of time, so i'd really like you to focus on this and remain in your office until it's done. i'm afraid it's distracting for you to walk around the cubicles talking to all the, the, cubicle people. so if you could get right to work on this--
sure.
and the main thing is--
not to guess on who's a mister and who's a miss! the foreign names, i found out before. they can be really hard to guess and people get all mad if you're like, can i talk to miss fingfoofong and they're like no, but this is mister fingfoofong. so i figured out, the best thing if you aren't sure is to just ask for the first name.
um, yes, that's important also. but the main thing is that you should really concentrate on completing this assignment, roger, and stay in your own office until i tell you. i mean, until the work is done.
sure. what's up? that was really crazy at my uncle's barbeque this weekend when you--
roger, didn't we agree not to talk about outside the office inside the office?
oh, yeah. sorry. i had it backwards in my head.
i'd like to give you a special project to do. i need you to go through this stack of resumes and set up appointments with each of these candidates for our summer internship program. can you do that?
sure. i guess.
now, i need this done quickly, and there's a lot of work here and not a lot of time, so i'd really like you to focus on this and remain in your office until it's done. i'm afraid it's distracting for you to walk around the cubicles talking to all the, the, cubicle people. so if you could get right to work on this--
sure.
and the main thing is--
not to guess on who's a mister and who's a miss! the foreign names, i found out before. they can be really hard to guess and people get all mad if you're like, can i talk to miss fingfoofong and they're like no, but this is mister fingfoofong. so i figured out, the best thing if you aren't sure is to just ask for the first name.
um, yes, that's important also. but the main thing is that you should really concentrate on completing this assignment, roger, and stay in your own office until i tell you. i mean, until the work is done.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
hey! guess what! do you want to save money?
um, probably not, roger.
i just figured out how to totally save money at the self-serve icecream machine.
mm hmm.
instead of putting sprinkles on top, i just take a big handful and eat them right there at the machine. then they don't weigh them, but i still get to eat them.
but then you have a big mouthful of sprinkles.
i know! sweet idea, right? you should try it sometime. just remember not to say anything to the cashier while they're still in your mouth.
um, probably not, roger.
i just figured out how to totally save money at the self-serve icecream machine.
mm hmm.
instead of putting sprinkles on top, i just take a big handful and eat them right there at the machine. then they don't weigh them, but i still get to eat them.
but then you have a big mouthful of sprinkles.
i know! sweet idea, right? you should try it sometime. just remember not to say anything to the cashier while they're still in your mouth.
hey, your face could stick like that if you're not careful.
that's nina, bringing out the best in her staff. i dodged her all morning but then she cornered me at the sink in the bathroom. she was all like, as you know i've been away, blah blah blah, and is there anything i should know about?
what's she after?
dunno. i was thinking, let's see, something you should know? uh, it sucks here? your staff hates you? your pointy little heels are leaving holes in the carpet?
ha.
but of course i just said, nope, nothing i can think of. it's not like she'd listen to anything anyway.
true. she's a pain. you know you handled her fine, though. it's not like you to be so upset - your hands are actually shaking!
oh, i'm fine about her. the shaking's probably from the coffee. i was afraid to bring it in with me, so i drank the whole morning's worth outside while i finished my cigarette. i had a whole grande-venti-enormo - whatever the big one is called - outside before i came in.
a little thing like you?
it might have actually been a little too much of a good thing. it's causing me to be uncharacteristically productive. i reorganized my entire file drawer and a shelf in the copy room.
better watch it, or they'll make overcaffeination mandatory instead of illegal here.
i could stand that.
that's nina, bringing out the best in her staff. i dodged her all morning but then she cornered me at the sink in the bathroom. she was all like, as you know i've been away, blah blah blah, and is there anything i should know about?
what's she after?
dunno. i was thinking, let's see, something you should know? uh, it sucks here? your staff hates you? your pointy little heels are leaving holes in the carpet?
ha.
but of course i just said, nope, nothing i can think of. it's not like she'd listen to anything anyway.
true. she's a pain. you know you handled her fine, though. it's not like you to be so upset - your hands are actually shaking!
oh, i'm fine about her. the shaking's probably from the coffee. i was afraid to bring it in with me, so i drank the whole morning's worth outside while i finished my cigarette. i had a whole grande-venti-enormo - whatever the big one is called - outside before i came in.
a little thing like you?
it might have actually been a little too much of a good thing. it's causing me to be uncharacteristically productive. i reorganized my entire file drawer and a shelf in the copy room.
better watch it, or they'll make overcaffeination mandatory instead of illegal here.
i could stand that.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
vin, ya taking off already?
oh my god, i cannot stand it here any longer. i need to go home and rest.
everything ok?
ooh, there is just so much negative stress energy here. nina called out to me all sweet - and that's when i knew something was wrong - and she was all like, vinnnnie come in here a minute, tell me how you've been while i was away.
doesn't sound good, from her.
i know. and i'm like, i've been fine, how have you been, and she's like, i've been fine, what's been going on here, and i'm like, nothing special, and she's like, are you sure? and i'm like, yeah. i don't think so. and she's like, come on, vinnie, is there anything new? so i told her about my plan to make the office nicer by switching everything over to a more pastel color palette which is the main thing here that's new for me, but it seemed like she didn't care at all about that. i could so tell there was something she was getting at but i have no idea what and she was all scowling when i couldn't think of anything else "new," and she was like, ok, then, vincent, thank you for stopping by, like i was the one who was interrupting her!
wouldn't worry about it. you know how she is.
i know. but i so do not need her little stress beams firing at me right now.
oh my god, i cannot stand it here any longer. i need to go home and rest.
everything ok?
ooh, there is just so much negative stress energy here. nina called out to me all sweet - and that's when i knew something was wrong - and she was all like, vinnnnie come in here a minute, tell me how you've been while i was away.
doesn't sound good, from her.
i know. and i'm like, i've been fine, how have you been, and she's like, i've been fine, what's been going on here, and i'm like, nothing special, and she's like, are you sure? and i'm like, yeah. i don't think so. and she's like, come on, vinnie, is there anything new? so i told her about my plan to make the office nicer by switching everything over to a more pastel color palette which is the main thing here that's new for me, but it seemed like she didn't care at all about that. i could so tell there was something she was getting at but i have no idea what and she was all scowling when i couldn't think of anything else "new," and she was like, ok, then, vincent, thank you for stopping by, like i was the one who was interrupting her!
wouldn't worry about it. you know how she is.
i know. but i so do not need her little stress beams firing at me right now.
hey, how are ya? how was your weekend? and don't say relaxing.
um, ok, it was stressful?
no, no, i don't want it to be stressful. it just seems like every single person here said their weekend was relaxing and it doesn't sound like anybody did anything.
hmm. that's ok, isn't it?
sure. i guess. it's fine. it just seems kind of depressing.
what, having a relaxing long weekend?
i mean, everyone's all always dying to get out of here and then when they have a day off, it's like without the office, no one can think of anything better to do. probably all went home and sat on the internet. i'm just worried we're all turning into mindless... i don't know. do you know what i mean?
hm. i guess. you should probably worry more that nina's back, though. vin said she was all uptight and snappy.
yeah? sounds about par.
yeah. gave him the third degree for some reason. but look! at least somebody didn't have a relaxing vacation! does that make you feel any better?
um, ok, it was stressful?
no, no, i don't want it to be stressful. it just seems like every single person here said their weekend was relaxing and it doesn't sound like anybody did anything.
hmm. that's ok, isn't it?
sure. i guess. it's fine. it just seems kind of depressing.
what, having a relaxing long weekend?
i mean, everyone's all always dying to get out of here and then when they have a day off, it's like without the office, no one can think of anything better to do. probably all went home and sat on the internet. i'm just worried we're all turning into mindless... i don't know. do you know what i mean?
hm. i guess. you should probably worry more that nina's back, though. vin said she was all uptight and snappy.
yeah? sounds about par.
yeah. gave him the third degree for some reason. but look! at least somebody didn't have a relaxing vacation! does that make you feel any better?
good morning. enjoy the holiday?
yeah, it was good. mostly just relaxed. you?
yeah, good.
well, only four more days to go now.
yep.
yeah, it was good. mostly just relaxed. you?
yeah, good.
well, only four more days to go now.
yep.
always hard to come back after the long weekend.
for sure. how was it? any excitement?
no, just, mostly relaxed. very good.
that's good.
well, take it easy.
for sure. how was it? any excitement?
no, just, mostly relaxed. very good.
that's good.
well, take it easy.
good break?
yeah, yeah, you know, relaxing. you?
yeah, good, thanks.
now it's already tuesday! short week.
yeah, that's always good.
see you.
yeah, yeah, you know, relaxing. you?
yeah, good, thanks.
now it's already tuesday! short week.
yeah, that's always good.
see you.
do anything good on the long weekend?
nothing special. very relaxing. it was good.
oh, good.
could use a little more of that! well, later.
nothing special. very relaxing. it was good.
oh, good.
could use a little more of that! well, later.
hi. how was the long weekend?
good. relaxing, you know.
oh, good.
well, back to the grind!
good. relaxing, you know.
oh, good.
well, back to the grind!
hey! enjoy the break?
yeah, not bad, thanks. you?
good, good. relaxing.
oh, yeah? good.
well, have a good one.
yeah, not bad, thanks. you?
good, good. relaxing.
oh, yeah? good.
well, have a good one.
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