Monday, December 27, 2004
attention all employees:
we are pleased to offer all employees a holiday bonus this year! in this case, the bonus will take the form of the two things we all desire most: "time" and "money."
effective immediately, all employees will be encouraged to shut down all equipment and leave the building. you are getting a "time bonus" of six days off. this will be, in a sense, unpaid vacation time. in another, very real, sense, money is involved. we will be shutting off all heat and electricity to the building, in effect, giving the building itself a well-deserved "vacation." as a result, the company will save money, not only in the week's worth of employee payment, but in energy bills. and money for the company is money for the employees. in a sense.
enjoy your week off, and remember, if you've worked less than a full two hours, you may not put in for any time today.
happy new year! we'll look forward to a "fresh start" on january fourth.
we are pleased to offer all employees a holiday bonus this year! in this case, the bonus will take the form of the two things we all desire most: "time" and "money."
effective immediately, all employees will be encouraged to shut down all equipment and leave the building. you are getting a "time bonus" of six days off. this will be, in a sense, unpaid vacation time. in another, very real, sense, money is involved. we will be shutting off all heat and electricity to the building, in effect, giving the building itself a well-deserved "vacation." as a result, the company will save money, not only in the week's worth of employee payment, but in energy bills. and money for the company is money for the employees. in a sense.
enjoy your week off, and remember, if you've worked less than a full two hours, you may not put in for any time today.
happy new year! we'll look forward to a "fresh start" on january fourth.
jesus! it's freezing in here!
Friday, December 24, 2004
attention all employees:
the board would like to thank you for the dedication you show by coming into work on a day that most americans recognize as the day before the single most special day of the entire year. to show our thanks, we have authorized each department to have a discreet, non-denominational celebration in the late afternoon today. all departmental heads are advised to consult the employee handbook regarding appropriate and inappropriate displays of non-secularity in the workplace. the actualization of the permission is to be determined by each departmental head, according to the composition of each department.
however, whatever our differing "beliefs," we would like to take a moment to reflect on one thing we can all agree on: "merry christmas, and happy new year!"
the board would like to thank you for the dedication you show by coming into work on a day that most americans recognize as the day before the single most special day of the entire year. to show our thanks, we have authorized each department to have a discreet, non-denominational celebration in the late afternoon today. all departmental heads are advised to consult the employee handbook regarding appropriate and inappropriate displays of non-secularity in the workplace. the actualization of the permission is to be determined by each departmental head, according to the composition of each department.
however, whatever our differing "beliefs," we would like to take a moment to reflect on one thing we can all agree on: "merry christmas, and happy new year!"
somebody has a birthday.
damn people leave stuff lying around that normal people would take
home. well, happy birthday to me.
home. well, happy birthday to me.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
bye, mg. see you tomorrow.
yeah, jay. i know.
think they'll let us leave a full hour early again, since it's christmas eve and all?
don't you think it's a little sad that that's the best we can hope for?
ah, who knows. maybe there'll be a christmas miracle, and we'll get a full half day.
yeah. we could even get some free sugarless atkins-friendly eggnog. keep hope alive.
ok, grinchy. have a good night.
yeah, jay. i know.
think they'll let us leave a full hour early again, since it's christmas eve and all?
don't you think it's a little sad that that's the best we can hope for?
ah, who knows. maybe there'll be a christmas miracle, and we'll get a full half day.
yeah. we could even get some free sugarless atkins-friendly eggnog. keep hope alive.
ok, grinchy. have a good night.
gosh, mg, you are just brimming with holiday cheer.
back off, jay, unless you want a candy cane up y--
ok, ok! what's the trouble?
this. this is the trouble.
looks like a pile of christmas cards.
exactly. i stayed here until eight o'clock last night. eight o'clock! to get these done so they could go out first thing in the morning. i called down to the mailroom before five last night and asked them to make sure they got picked up on the first round this morning before nine, so they could go out today and stand half - half - a chance of getting out to people by tomorrow.
but they're still here.
merry christmas, sherlock. i came in this morning at 9:10, ok, 9:20, and they were still all sitting right here. i called down again to ask what happened, and of course the person who answered had no idea what i was talking about. he just said they'd already done the morning rounds. i asked if i could just bring them down myself, and he said that would violate policy. so, they won't get picked up until the afternoon rounds, and won't go out til tomorrow. so people will probably get our stupid mass-produced non-denominational holiday cards after every single winter holiday has passed.
bummer. i think kwanzaa goes until new year's though, right?
comforting. i am sure christopher came by, saw the cards were on my desk, and left them. i'm surprised he didn't knock them on the floor.
so i take it you two aren't exchanging presents, then?
i should get him some kool-aid. wish his mom drank it when she had the chance.
back off, jay, unless you want a candy cane up y--
ok, ok! what's the trouble?
this. this is the trouble.
looks like a pile of christmas cards.
exactly. i stayed here until eight o'clock last night. eight o'clock! to get these done so they could go out first thing in the morning. i called down to the mailroom before five last night and asked them to make sure they got picked up on the first round this morning before nine, so they could go out today and stand half - half - a chance of getting out to people by tomorrow.
but they're still here.
merry christmas, sherlock. i came in this morning at 9:10, ok, 9:20, and they were still all sitting right here. i called down again to ask what happened, and of course the person who answered had no idea what i was talking about. he just said they'd already done the morning rounds. i asked if i could just bring them down myself, and he said that would violate policy. so, they won't get picked up until the afternoon rounds, and won't go out til tomorrow. so people will probably get our stupid mass-produced non-denominational holiday cards after every single winter holiday has passed.
bummer. i think kwanzaa goes until new year's though, right?
comforting. i am sure christopher came by, saw the cards were on my desk, and left them. i'm surprised he didn't knock them on the floor.
so i take it you two aren't exchanging presents, then?
i should get him some kool-aid. wish his mom drank it when she had the chance.
oh my god, joanne! you look unbelievable!
thank you, leah. i know, i know. i thought to myself, i thought, if they won't let me decorate my cubicle this year, what can i decorate? and then i thought, well, they can't decide what i wear or don't wear. so then i just decided, this year, i'll decorate me!
you're like a living christmas tree.
you should have seen my frankles going for the tinsel in my hair! you should have seen it.
the hooks don't hurt you, do they?
oh, of course not. this sweater is so thick that they just loop right in and i don't even feel them. i have to be careful not to lean back in my chair, though! so, are you ready for your big night with your boyfriend?
yeah, i can't wait to see what he got me. well, i know what he was supposed to get me. i gave him a list. he better get it all right, too! ha, ha. i'm only kidding. but not really. you know.
of course, dear. are you going to his house to open presents? ooh, you two must have had fun decorating his christmas tree!
actually, we can't go to his place. he says it's a mess. 'i don't have time to clean, leah!' he says. you know, he's a cop, so when he gets home, i can see how cleaning up is the last thing on his mind. he's so adorable. he doesn't want me to see what a mess he is. so he always comes to my place.
so you've never been there at all?
nah. i'm fine with that. if he thinks he's fooling me into thinking he's not a slob, let him keep his little illusions, you know?
thank you, leah. i know, i know. i thought to myself, i thought, if they won't let me decorate my cubicle this year, what can i decorate? and then i thought, well, they can't decide what i wear or don't wear. so then i just decided, this year, i'll decorate me!
you're like a living christmas tree.
you should have seen my frankles going for the tinsel in my hair! you should have seen it.
the hooks don't hurt you, do they?
oh, of course not. this sweater is so thick that they just loop right in and i don't even feel them. i have to be careful not to lean back in my chair, though! so, are you ready for your big night with your boyfriend?
yeah, i can't wait to see what he got me. well, i know what he was supposed to get me. i gave him a list. he better get it all right, too! ha, ha. i'm only kidding. but not really. you know.
of course, dear. are you going to his house to open presents? ooh, you two must have had fun decorating his christmas tree!
actually, we can't go to his place. he says it's a mess. 'i don't have time to clean, leah!' he says. you know, he's a cop, so when he gets home, i can see how cleaning up is the last thing on his mind. he's so adorable. he doesn't want me to see what a mess he is. so he always comes to my place.
so you've never been there at all?
nah. i'm fine with that. if he thinks he's fooling me into thinking he's not a slob, let him keep his little illusions, you know?
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
oh, thanks, mg, that looks perfect. now. about the christmas cards.
christmas cards?
oh, sorry. the holiday cards.
cards?
ok, then, just cards! how are we coming along on the cards?
um, i don't think i heard anything about any cards.
what? is today not december twenty-first?
um, no. it's the twenty-second. but yeah. yes.
has there not been a box of pre-printed season's greeting cards sitting on your desk for the past, two, weeks?
not that i know of?
i told alana myself to put them there! i saw them! they're right next to the poinsetta! in a box!
oh. that's not my desk. that's suzanne's. she's on maternity leave.
look, what i need from you right now is not a string of excuses. what i need is for those cards to be stamped with our logo and for labels to be printed and for those cards to be sent out today!
hm. ok. well, since it's almost four, if you have the address database, i can probably do a mail merge to set up the labels pretty quickly. i could get started on that if someone else could stamp them?
ok. first, here's a print out of the addresses. lord knows where the original file is. i think the temp who was here last winter made it, so i'm sure they wiped it off his computer when he left. and second, i feel like i'm seeing sort of a pattern here of you trying to find a way to not do what it is that i ask you to do. here's the rubber winkyshock stamp, here's the hard copy of the addresses that need labels printed, and frankly, i don't think we have that much time to sit here talking about it.
but--
it's the kind of personal touch christmas cards represent that is essential for nurturing client relations. although i suppose that's not a concern for someone at your employee level. oh. and thanks for the coffee. a smidge less creamer next time, okay?
christmas cards?
oh, sorry. the holiday cards.
cards?
ok, then, just cards! how are we coming along on the cards?
um, i don't think i heard anything about any cards.
what? is today not december twenty-first?
um, no. it's the twenty-second. but yeah. yes.
has there not been a box of pre-printed season's greeting cards sitting on your desk for the past, two, weeks?
not that i know of?
i told alana myself to put them there! i saw them! they're right next to the poinsetta! in a box!
oh. that's not my desk. that's suzanne's. she's on maternity leave.
look, what i need from you right now is not a string of excuses. what i need is for those cards to be stamped with our logo and for labels to be printed and for those cards to be sent out today!
hm. ok. well, since it's almost four, if you have the address database, i can probably do a mail merge to set up the labels pretty quickly. i could get started on that if someone else could stamp them?
ok. first, here's a print out of the addresses. lord knows where the original file is. i think the temp who was here last winter made it, so i'm sure they wiped it off his computer when he left. and second, i feel like i'm seeing sort of a pattern here of you trying to find a way to not do what it is that i ask you to do. here's the rubber winkyshock stamp, here's the hard copy of the addresses that need labels printed, and frankly, i don't think we have that much time to sit here talking about it.
but--
it's the kind of personal touch christmas cards represent that is essential for nurturing client relations. although i suppose that's not a concern for someone at your employee level. oh. and thanks for the coffee. a smidge less creamer next time, okay?
hello, mg? nina. i need you to come down to my office. if you could go and grab alana, too. oh, and while you're getting her, if you could just grab me a coffee real quick? use a splash of the fat-free eggnog flavored creamer. and throw on a dash of cinnamon - it's in my drawer in the fridge with the creamer. make sure you put the creamer back in the drawer, too. i don't want anyone thinking it's out for everyone. oh, and on second thought, you know what? you don't need to bring alana. but i do need you right away. you're a lamb.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
ta-da! ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
wow, joanne. i would even say that glows.
hold on, now, just hold on, i didn't even attach the battery yet. now look. and not just rudolph! they made it so all twelve of the noses light up! could you just die?
you said it.
wow, joanne. i would even say that glows.
hold on, now, just hold on, i didn't even attach the battery yet. now look. and not just rudolph! they made it so all twelve of the noses light up! could you just die?
you said it.
Monday, December 20, 2004
ooh, mg, i like what you've got going on here.
give me a break, vinnie. i know my hair's greasy. i got up too late to shower this morning and then wore a hat on the way here. nothing i can do about it.
oh, honey! your hair looks fine! very au courant, a little edgy. i meant the photocopies.
you are giving me grief, then.
are you kidding? grief, kerchief! i love it! now, tell me how you set it up to tint the back of the page grey, and get that nice, even black edge down the front.
believe me, it's not supposed to be like that. there's some piece that's not working right.
well, i like it. very somber, understated, kind of chic. like an anti-holiday holiday statement. christmas, with a touch of class. ooh, speaking of, not, do you think joanne will wear her rudolph sweater with the red lights on it this year?
yeah, me and jay started a pool on what day she'd whip that out. want in?
give me a break, vinnie. i know my hair's greasy. i got up too late to shower this morning and then wore a hat on the way here. nothing i can do about it.
oh, honey! your hair looks fine! very au courant, a little edgy. i meant the photocopies.
you are giving me grief, then.
are you kidding? grief, kerchief! i love it! now, tell me how you set it up to tint the back of the page grey, and get that nice, even black edge down the front.
believe me, it's not supposed to be like that. there's some piece that's not working right.
well, i like it. very somber, understated, kind of chic. like an anti-holiday holiday statement. christmas, with a touch of class. ooh, speaking of, not, do you think joanne will wear her rudolph sweater with the red lights on it this year?
yeah, me and jay started a pool on what day she'd whip that out. want in?
Friday, December 17, 2004
goddam that little fucking mail prick. if i could get my hands around his little neck--
whoa, shhh, easy there, sis. i think you just violated three different workplace harassment codes. what's wrong?
jay, it's christopher. i can't stand that kid.
what did he do? aside from reelecting the president and sending the country down the drain and all, i mean?
well, i can't prove it of course, but i think he's been trashing my mail. not that i care that much. but he threw the stupid replacement part for the stupid copier at me the other day--
he threw it at you?
well, he didn't peg it or anything. but he tossed it to me on purpose when i wasn't looking, and it hit the corner of my desk and then fell on the floor. so when the guy finally came to install it, surprise, surprise, the thing was broken.
oh.
so now we have to wait until they can send a new one before we can get legible copies again.
oh. that's too bad. but it's not like you even care that much about the photocopies, do you?
that's the worst part. of course i don't. i shouldn't. they're photocopies of photocopies of bullshit, all just going to get filed and fester or get mailed out and tossed. but somehow it has become my responsibility to make sure everyone's soul-crushing busywork looks neat and presentable before it is immediately forgotten, and when it doesn't, everyone looks at me like i'm some kind of leper. more than usual, i mean. and they've forced me into this place where here i am caring about these stupid photocopies and stressing about the cancer-radiating machine that spits them out, which is just wrong. and it's all christopher's fault.
hm. i see, i guess. you used to be so nice to him, when he was an intern. that reminds me, didn't he have visa problems? i wonder how he got a job in the mailroom, anyway?
considering they mostly hire ex-cons down there, dealing with his paperwork was probably a walk in the park.
whoa, shhh, easy there, sis. i think you just violated three different workplace harassment codes. what's wrong?
jay, it's christopher. i can't stand that kid.
what did he do? aside from reelecting the president and sending the country down the drain and all, i mean?
well, i can't prove it of course, but i think he's been trashing my mail. not that i care that much. but he threw the stupid replacement part for the stupid copier at me the other day--
he threw it at you?
well, he didn't peg it or anything. but he tossed it to me on purpose when i wasn't looking, and it hit the corner of my desk and then fell on the floor. so when the guy finally came to install it, surprise, surprise, the thing was broken.
oh.
so now we have to wait until they can send a new one before we can get legible copies again.
oh. that's too bad. but it's not like you even care that much about the photocopies, do you?
that's the worst part. of course i don't. i shouldn't. they're photocopies of photocopies of bullshit, all just going to get filed and fester or get mailed out and tossed. but somehow it has become my responsibility to make sure everyone's soul-crushing busywork looks neat and presentable before it is immediately forgotten, and when it doesn't, everyone looks at me like i'm some kind of leper. more than usual, i mean. and they've forced me into this place where here i am caring about these stupid photocopies and stressing about the cancer-radiating machine that spits them out, which is just wrong. and it's all christopher's fault.
hm. i see, i guess. you used to be so nice to him, when he was an intern. that reminds me, didn't he have visa problems? i wonder how he got a job in the mailroom, anyway?
considering they mostly hire ex-cons down there, dealing with his paperwork was probably a walk in the park.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
'scuse me, are you, let's see, mig?
no. well, yes. it's mg, actually, em-gee.
okay, angie, you in charge of the copier?
no. well, yes. i guess so. more or less.
okay. i've got good news and bad news. which do you want first?
um--
okay. so the good news is that your machine's not eating up the paper any more. they're coming out smooth as a baby's, ah, nice and smooth. the bad news is, you got a bum OPC unit.
we do?
yep. the thing's all beat up. these things are delicate, you know. they need to be treated like one of them eggs, or they just fall apart.
eggs?
the fancy russian ones, the faberges. my gramma loves those things. she's got a whole book of them. she's got a few knock off ones in a glass cabinet, too, but it's not the same. they're just a clump of glue and glass stones. did you know, a real one of those eggs alone has more individual parts than your entire copier machine?
um, no, i didn't.
it's true. costs about a million times more, too. oughta get a job repairing them. anyway. so your OPC unit looks like somebody drop kicked it. what you're gonna have to do is call the company and get them to send out a new OPC.
we have to wait til another one comes in?
unless you've got a spare one up your, uh, sleeve. when you talk to them, tell them to make sure mark it 'fragile.' otherwise, no telling how much it'll get knocked around.
no. well, yes. it's mg, actually, em-gee.
okay, angie, you in charge of the copier?
no. well, yes. i guess so. more or less.
okay. i've got good news and bad news. which do you want first?
um--
okay. so the good news is that your machine's not eating up the paper any more. they're coming out smooth as a baby's, ah, nice and smooth. the bad news is, you got a bum OPC unit.
we do?
yep. the thing's all beat up. these things are delicate, you know. they need to be treated like one of them eggs, or they just fall apart.
eggs?
the fancy russian ones, the faberges. my gramma loves those things. she's got a whole book of them. she's got a few knock off ones in a glass cabinet, too, but it's not the same. they're just a clump of glue and glass stones. did you know, a real one of those eggs alone has more individual parts than your entire copier machine?
um, no, i didn't.
it's true. costs about a million times more, too. oughta get a job repairing them. anyway. so your OPC unit looks like somebody drop kicked it. what you're gonna have to do is call the company and get them to send out a new OPC.
we have to wait til another one comes in?
unless you've got a spare one up your, uh, sleeve. when you talk to them, tell them to make sure mark it 'fragile.' otherwise, no telling how much it'll get knocked around.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
leah, how completely charming! look at that!
i know! my boyfriend sent them. thank god we finally have bottled water again so i can take care of them right.
that's the one i saw on tv! i said to myself when i saw that, i said, isn't that just precious! the holiday choo-choo train. it is even more precious in person. so, are you going to spend the holidays with him?
yes and no. we're going to celebrate on christmas eve eve.
really? you're not going away somewhere for christmas without him, now, are you?
oh, no. of course not. i'll be around. but he has a training seminar that weekend, starting on friday. he has to go to that, so. life of a cop! that's what he always says to me, 'life of a cop, leah!'
my goodness, they make them train over christmas? well, god bless him. you make sure you give that hero of yours an extra kissy kiss under the mistletoe. when i think about the sacrifices those brave men make for us every day, and then imagine! being away from their loved ones for training over the christmas holidays, and all just to keep us safer. you are a lucky lady, leah!
i know. it almost makes me feel sorry for people who don't have someone like i do.
i know! my boyfriend sent them. thank god we finally have bottled water again so i can take care of them right.
that's the one i saw on tv! i said to myself when i saw that, i said, isn't that just precious! the holiday choo-choo train. it is even more precious in person. so, are you going to spend the holidays with him?
yes and no. we're going to celebrate on christmas eve eve.
really? you're not going away somewhere for christmas without him, now, are you?
oh, no. of course not. i'll be around. but he has a training seminar that weekend, starting on friday. he has to go to that, so. life of a cop! that's what he always says to me, 'life of a cop, leah!'
my goodness, they make them train over christmas? well, god bless him. you make sure you give that hero of yours an extra kissy kiss under the mistletoe. when i think about the sacrifices those brave men make for us every day, and then imagine! being away from their loved ones for training over the christmas holidays, and all just to keep us safer. you are a lucky lady, leah!
i know. it almost makes me feel sorry for people who don't have someone like i do.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
hey, mg, catch!
what? oh!
oops. butterfingers! that just came in for you.
um, thank you, christopher. do you always throw around boxes marked fragile?
they write that on almost everything, so we actually just ignore it, mostly.
what? oh!
oops. butterfingers! that just came in for you.
um, thank you, christopher. do you always throw around boxes marked fragile?
they write that on almost everything, so we actually just ignore it, mostly.
Monday, December 13, 2004
i can't tell if you look like you're about to laugh or cry, mg.
ha. not sure myself, jay.
an especially touching inspirational email from joanne?
no such luck. just got off the phone with the copier company.
and?
not sure. the tech who came on friday said i had to call and order a part. an OPC drum. when i did, the lady said i couldn't order it, the tech had to order it. because the OPC drum is not a consumer part, it's a maintenance part. or something. i gave her the item number and everything that the tech left, but she repeated that she couldn't help me, because it wasn't a consumer part. she said the tech had to order it himself, then we had to call back when it arrives so they can call him to come back and install it.
hm.
but i don't remember the name of the guy who came to look at it, and i can't read what he scrawled on the pink service request sheet he left on friday. and the copier lady said she'd have to try to track him, specifically, down somehow so he can order the part that i already have all the information for, instead of putting the order in herself. so it looks like it will be days before the damn thing is fixed. and everytime someone goes in there and gets a fucked up copy back, even though i put a sign on it that it's not working and they should use the one upstairs, everyone walks by with their crumpled up grey copies and glares at me like it's my fault.
wow. so where's the funny part?
oh. yeah. the useless copier lady who refused to help me was named shannon.
hm. shannon. so?
so, she's shannon, from canon.
do you think she was kidding?
nope, said it dead serious, like she didn't even notice.
must be why she's so mean. she must get laughed at all day long.
i know. so now i can't even totally hate her, even though she's withholding my OPC drum.
i see why you're confused.
i mean, my job is a joke, but her job is like, literally, a joke. gotta have sympathy for that, i guess.
ha. not sure myself, jay.
an especially touching inspirational email from joanne?
no such luck. just got off the phone with the copier company.
and?
not sure. the tech who came on friday said i had to call and order a part. an OPC drum. when i did, the lady said i couldn't order it, the tech had to order it. because the OPC drum is not a consumer part, it's a maintenance part. or something. i gave her the item number and everything that the tech left, but she repeated that she couldn't help me, because it wasn't a consumer part. she said the tech had to order it himself, then we had to call back when it arrives so they can call him to come back and install it.
hm.
but i don't remember the name of the guy who came to look at it, and i can't read what he scrawled on the pink service request sheet he left on friday. and the copier lady said she'd have to try to track him, specifically, down somehow so he can order the part that i already have all the information for, instead of putting the order in herself. so it looks like it will be days before the damn thing is fixed. and everytime someone goes in there and gets a fucked up copy back, even though i put a sign on it that it's not working and they should use the one upstairs, everyone walks by with their crumpled up grey copies and glares at me like it's my fault.
wow. so where's the funny part?
oh. yeah. the useless copier lady who refused to help me was named shannon.
hm. shannon. so?
so, she's shannon, from canon.
do you think she was kidding?
nope, said it dead serious, like she didn't even notice.
must be why she's so mean. she must get laughed at all day long.
i know. so now i can't even totally hate her, even though she's withholding my OPC drum.
i see why you're confused.
i mean, my job is a joke, but her job is like, literally, a joke. gotta have sympathy for that, i guess.
Friday, December 10, 2004
mg! can you help me with the copier?
probably not, roger.
c'mon, you're good at this stuff. you use the copier all the time!
that is true, sadly.
well, i figured out how to make it print darker or lighter, but how do you change the texture?
the texture? like the density gradient for copying a photograph?
no, the texture. of the paper.
the paper? what are you talking about?
well, i want it to come out smooth, but instead it's coming out all wrinkly. i can't find where you adjust it.
oh. that. you don't.
oh. are we supposed to use wrinkly copies now? because i didn't see any memo about that or anything.
no! for chrissakes, roger, they're not supposed to be wrinkly. it's just broken!
okay, okay. you don't have to yell. why doesn't somebody just fix it then?
probably not, roger.
c'mon, you're good at this stuff. you use the copier all the time!
that is true, sadly.
well, i figured out how to make it print darker or lighter, but how do you change the texture?
the texture? like the density gradient for copying a photograph?
no, the texture. of the paper.
the paper? what are you talking about?
well, i want it to come out smooth, but instead it's coming out all wrinkly. i can't find where you adjust it.
oh. that. you don't.
oh. are we supposed to use wrinkly copies now? because i didn't see any memo about that or anything.
no! for chrissakes, roger, they're not supposed to be wrinkly. it's just broken!
okay, okay. you don't have to yell. why doesn't somebody just fix it then?
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
mg, the copier's not working right.
i know. it's ridiculous. i have a huge pile of stuff i'm supposed to copy, too.
well?
well, what, alana?
well, did you call?
call who?
the copier place.
what, to tell them their copier doesn't work?
um, yes? that's exactly what.
i doubt they're that interested.
mg! you have to call them and tell them to come and fix it!
oh. i do?
well, somebody does. and it certainly isn't nina, and i don't believe it's my responsibility, now that i'm an administrative facilitator.
alright, alright. do you have the number?
i told you, this isn't my responsibility.
ok, maybe it's on the machine. but can you tell me our account number or whatever in case they ask for it?
you know, it is like you don't want to take any independent ownership of this project at all. i can't believe you got that promotion.
i was just thinking the exact same thing.
i know. it's ridiculous. i have a huge pile of stuff i'm supposed to copy, too.
well?
well, what, alana?
well, did you call?
call who?
the copier place.
what, to tell them their copier doesn't work?
um, yes? that's exactly what.
i doubt they're that interested.
mg! you have to call them and tell them to come and fix it!
oh. i do?
well, somebody does. and it certainly isn't nina, and i don't believe it's my responsibility, now that i'm an administrative facilitator.
alright, alright. do you have the number?
i told you, this isn't my responsibility.
ok, maybe it's on the machine. but can you tell me our account number or whatever in case they ask for it?
you know, it is like you don't want to take any independent ownership of this project at all. i can't believe you got that promotion.
i was just thinking the exact same thing.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
hey, watch it!
oops, sorry, leah! i caught them!
alana, you should be more careful around the flowers my boyfriend sent me. you almost knocked them over.
sorry. oh, the card fell on the floor. here you go. wait, is this yours?
of course it's mine.
well, because it's not your name on it. it says, 'to mindy.'
what? they must have mixed them up at the florist. i'm going to tell my boyfriend. he'll think it's hilarious. he always says, 'that is hilarious. leah, you are hilarious.' i bet he'll issue them a summons or something. just one of the benefits of dating a cop! alana, you better be more careful. if you keep trying to destroy all my stuff, i'll have him arrest you!
me?
i'm just kidding! my boyfriend always says i'm such a kidder. 'leah, you are such a kidder,' he says. he's hilarious.
oops, sorry, leah! i caught them!
alana, you should be more careful around the flowers my boyfriend sent me. you almost knocked them over.
sorry. oh, the card fell on the floor. here you go. wait, is this yours?
of course it's mine.
well, because it's not your name on it. it says, 'to mindy.'
what? they must have mixed them up at the florist. i'm going to tell my boyfriend. he'll think it's hilarious. he always says, 'that is hilarious. leah, you are hilarious.' i bet he'll issue them a summons or something. just one of the benefits of dating a cop! alana, you better be more careful. if you keep trying to destroy all my stuff, i'll have him arrest you!
me?
i'm just kidding! my boyfriend always says i'm such a kidder. 'leah, you are such a kidder,' he says. he's hilarious.
Monday, December 06, 2004
hey, mg! wanna hear a story?
no.
it's not a joke this time, it's a real story. it's sweet! ok?
not really.
ok, so last night, i had a dream that i was eating my pillow.
i doubt that.
and when i woke up, my... wait. no, wait, i told it backwards.
i thought it was a real story.
it is, it is! ok. i was eating a giant marshmallow yesterday.
were you.
yes, i was, as a matter of fact. this is true. no, wait! i had a dream i was eating a giant marshmallow. that's true.
fascinating. and, unlikely. look, i have a lot of--
wait! i figured it out! i dreamed i was eating a giant marshmallow and when i woke up, my pillow was gone! that's it!
are you telling me you ate your pillow, roger?
what do you mean?
roger, that's the point of the joke. you thought you were eating a marshmallow but - ha, ha - you were really eating your pillow.
it's not a joke! i swear, that's what really happened!
well, okay. in that case, it means you're gay. it's a known thing - dreaming about marshmallows means you're gay. i'll go tell vinnie for you.
no! wait! ok, it was just a joke i heard. i didn't really get what it meant until you explained it, though. i better tell my nephew not to tell that anymore, so the other second graders don't think he's gay.
no.
it's not a joke this time, it's a real story. it's sweet! ok?
not really.
ok, so last night, i had a dream that i was eating my pillow.
i doubt that.
and when i woke up, my... wait. no, wait, i told it backwards.
i thought it was a real story.
it is, it is! ok. i was eating a giant marshmallow yesterday.
were you.
yes, i was, as a matter of fact. this is true. no, wait! i had a dream i was eating a giant marshmallow. that's true.
fascinating. and, unlikely. look, i have a lot of--
wait! i figured it out! i dreamed i was eating a giant marshmallow and when i woke up, my pillow was gone! that's it!
are you telling me you ate your pillow, roger?
what do you mean?
roger, that's the point of the joke. you thought you were eating a marshmallow but - ha, ha - you were really eating your pillow.
it's not a joke! i swear, that's what really happened!
well, okay. in that case, it means you're gay. it's a known thing - dreaming about marshmallows means you're gay. i'll go tell vinnie for you.
no! wait! ok, it was just a joke i heard. i didn't really get what it meant until you explained it, though. i better tell my nephew not to tell that anymore, so the other second graders don't think he's gay.
ok, alana. i have to know your secret.
secret? mg, i don't have any secrets! who said i have a secret? was it leah?
uh, no. nobody said you had a secret.
good! because i don't.
ok, fine. whatever. i mean with the water.
the water?
it's ok. i know you did it, and i am just curious, even though it doesn't matter now, to know how.
i didn't do anything. i don't know what you're talking about.
the water. in the kitchen.
oh, okay, okay. i took one of the little bottles of poland spring out of the fridge and drank it even though it wasn't cold, and i refilled it with tap water. from the bathroom. and then i put it back in the fridge. there! are you happy?
um, right. ok. i just meant, how did you get the new water cooler tanks delivered? because i tried for two weeks, and then nina handed it over to you, and it was there like two hours later.
oh. i don't know anything about that. it always comes around the second or third of the month, though. it was probably just time. you're not going to tell anyone what i said, are you?
i don't think so.
good. because, anyway, who would believe you over me?
more to the point, who would even care?
secret? mg, i don't have any secrets! who said i have a secret? was it leah?
uh, no. nobody said you had a secret.
good! because i don't.
ok, fine. whatever. i mean with the water.
the water?
it's ok. i know you did it, and i am just curious, even though it doesn't matter now, to know how.
i didn't do anything. i don't know what you're talking about.
the water. in the kitchen.
oh, okay, okay. i took one of the little bottles of poland spring out of the fridge and drank it even though it wasn't cold, and i refilled it with tap water. from the bathroom. and then i put it back in the fridge. there! are you happy?
um, right. ok. i just meant, how did you get the new water cooler tanks delivered? because i tried for two weeks, and then nina handed it over to you, and it was there like two hours later.
oh. i don't know anything about that. it always comes around the second or third of the month, though. it was probably just time. you're not going to tell anyone what i said, are you?
i don't think so.
good. because, anyway, who would believe you over me?
more to the point, who would even care?
Friday, December 03, 2004
mg, nice work! i brought you a refreshing styrofoam cup of factory-distilled goodness to celebrate.
what are you talking about, jay?
the water!
don't even talk to me about the water. i fucked it up, so it got 'retasked' to someone else, probably ass-kiss alana.
you didn't get through to the company? because the cooler's full and there are six jugs in the closet.
i can't believe it. i've been banging my head against the wall for two weeks to get it, and it gets retasked, which i don't think is even a word, and it magically appears?
oh, well. you didn't want to be in charge of it anyway, did you?
of course not! but that doesn't mean i want it reassigned out from under me!
you should be happy that someone else has to worry about it now.
i don't think 'happy' really enters into this. though this does give me more time to devote to opening and sorting mail for people who are clearly too busy and important to do it themselves.
hm. does this mean you don't want the cup of water i brought for you?
i don't think water's going to cut it right now.
what are you talking about, jay?
the water!
don't even talk to me about the water. i fucked it up, so it got 'retasked' to someone else, probably ass-kiss alana.
you didn't get through to the company? because the cooler's full and there are six jugs in the closet.
i can't believe it. i've been banging my head against the wall for two weeks to get it, and it gets retasked, which i don't think is even a word, and it magically appears?
oh, well. you didn't want to be in charge of it anyway, did you?
of course not! but that doesn't mean i want it reassigned out from under me!
you should be happy that someone else has to worry about it now.
i don't think 'happy' really enters into this. though this does give me more time to devote to opening and sorting mail for people who are clearly too busy and important to do it themselves.
hm. does this mean you don't want the cup of water i brought for you?
i don't think water's going to cut it right now.
hi, nina. i have your mail. here you go.
you can open it.
oh, no, thanks. that's ok. here you are.
i said, you can open it. open it, put it in this file folder, and put the file folder in my inbox. throw out the envelopes, except the ones that i need. and throw out the junk mail. but not the catalogs. except for the ones i don't need. oh, and of course, don't open anything that looks private.
i'm not sure i'll know how to tell which--
look, i'm on the phone here, i don't have time to go into this. i trust your judgment, i'm sure you'll get it all right. oh, and so you know, i circulated an incident evaluation regarding the amount of trouble you're having resolving the water situation. you've obviously done all you can do, so i've retasked the operation. someone else will be handling that, going forward.
you can open it.
oh, no, thanks. that's ok. here you are.
i said, you can open it. open it, put it in this file folder, and put the file folder in my inbox. throw out the envelopes, except the ones that i need. and throw out the junk mail. but not the catalogs. except for the ones i don't need. oh, and of course, don't open anything that looks private.
i'm not sure i'll know how to tell which--
look, i'm on the phone here, i don't have time to go into this. i trust your judgment, i'm sure you'll get it all right. oh, and so you know, i circulated an incident evaluation regarding the amount of trouble you're having resolving the water situation. you've obviously done all you can do, so i've retasked the operation. someone else will be handling that, going forward.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
oh, thanks, christopher, finally!
yeah, sure.
oh -- wait. this stuff isn't for me. it all has nina's name on it. her amex bill, her victoria's secret bill...
she said it should go to you.
to me? why?
i just deliver the mail. i'm not an intern any more. or maybe you forgot?
no, i know, but-- and, look, like i said, i know your internship came to sort of a strange end, and i am very sorry about that. but again, it wasn't--
yeah. sure. i actually have more mail to deliver.
of course. oh, wait! was there anything for me?
hm. not that i remember. unless it came to some sort of a strange end.
yeah, sure.
oh -- wait. this stuff isn't for me. it all has nina's name on it. her amex bill, her victoria's secret bill...
she said it should go to you.
to me? why?
i just deliver the mail. i'm not an intern any more. or maybe you forgot?
no, i know, but-- and, look, like i said, i know your internship came to sort of a strange end, and i am very sorry about that. but again, it wasn't--
yeah. sure. i actually have more mail to deliver.
of course. oh, wait! was there anything for me?
hm. not that i remember. unless it came to some sort of a strange end.
hey mg, a heads up for you -- i heard people in the kitchen complaining about the water.
i don't know what to do. i called the company again, and when i finally got through to a human, she said they'd sent some paperwork to me in the mail last week. i said i didn't get it, and could they send a fax.
but no?
but no.
i wonder why you didn't get it?
i don't know. i haven't really gotten any mail lately. have you?
about usual, i guess. so, what are you going to do?
well, they said i have to send a written request for our account information. meantime, maybe i'll fill up the jug from the tap and hope no one notices?
could work.
our tap water would probably eat through the container, though.
yeah, there's that.
i don't know what to do. i called the company again, and when i finally got through to a human, she said they'd sent some paperwork to me in the mail last week. i said i didn't get it, and could they send a fax.
but no?
but no.
i wonder why you didn't get it?
i don't know. i haven't really gotten any mail lately. have you?
about usual, i guess. so, what are you going to do?
well, they said i have to send a written request for our account information. meantime, maybe i'll fill up the jug from the tap and hope no one notices?
could work.
our tap water would probably eat through the container, though.
yeah, there's that.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
hey, jay. i've got a surprise for you.
really?
yeah. a few pounds of rotting bird and pig meat.
gosh. and here i just ate.
ah, too bad. well, you can just stick it under your desk til you get hungry again.
i think there's something in the employee handbook against that. not that it isn't tempting. aren't you vegetarian, anyway? did you fall off the wagon at thanksgiving?
actually, i didn't. but saint joanne wanted to spread the holiday spirit by bringing me some leftovers.
ah.
and also, the salmonella. she basically said she'd incubated a nice crop of bacteria on it before she gave it to me.
hmm. at least she told you.
i'm serious. at first i thought she was joking, but then i realized she's just crazy.
oh, she's a little flighty, but i don't think she's crazy.
you want to lift up this tin foil and then tell me this is the handiwork of a 'flighty' person?
ew. that does smell a little off.
a little off? this is the tupperware of a madwoman.
lucky you're a vegetarian.
lucky i'm on xanax.
really?
yeah. a few pounds of rotting bird and pig meat.
gosh. and here i just ate.
ah, too bad. well, you can just stick it under your desk til you get hungry again.
i think there's something in the employee handbook against that. not that it isn't tempting. aren't you vegetarian, anyway? did you fall off the wagon at thanksgiving?
actually, i didn't. but saint joanne wanted to spread the holiday spirit by bringing me some leftovers.
ah.
and also, the salmonella. she basically said she'd incubated a nice crop of bacteria on it before she gave it to me.
hmm. at least she told you.
i'm serious. at first i thought she was joking, but then i realized she's just crazy.
oh, she's a little flighty, but i don't think she's crazy.
you want to lift up this tin foil and then tell me this is the handiwork of a 'flighty' person?
ew. that does smell a little off.
a little off? this is the tupperware of a madwoman.
lucky you're a vegetarian.
lucky i'm on xanax.
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