Monday, January 31, 2005
Hey, MG. How are you?
It's Monday.
Yeah. Say no more. Later.
It's Monday.
Yeah. Say no more. Later.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Hey, MG! Guess what I am. Listen.
For one thing, Roger, you're a pain in my--
No! Listen!
Um, a chicken?
A chicken? Why would I be a chicken?
I was wondering that, too. Aren't you... clucking?
No! That's not clucking. It's clicking!
Ah.
There's people in Africa who totally communicate that way.
Oh, Roger. No they don't. They don't just make clicking noises. The clicks are just part of their other words. Like an extra letter.
Oh, sure. Then why do they call them the clicking tribe?
Well, because that's part of how they--
Also, you know the name of the tribe?
I think one of them is called--
They're called the kung! That's where we got kung fu. Hai-ya!
What? No it's not! Kung fu is from China. It doesn't have anything to do with African tribes.
See? Christopher told me you'd say that, too. He says people deny the contributions of African people. Now I see what he means.
But, that doesn't make any sense.
Where do you think the Chinese learned kung fu? From the kung. When they said "hai-ya" originally, it used to have a click at the beginning. But it gave their enemies a warning, so they stopped using it. See? Jay and I are going to practice our kung fu moves at lunch. You can come watch.
You and Jay? Where?
In the conference room. Why? Are you going to come watch?
No. I want to make sure I don't see it accidentally.
For one thing, Roger, you're a pain in my--
No! Listen!
Um, a chicken?
A chicken? Why would I be a chicken?
I was wondering that, too. Aren't you... clucking?
No! That's not clucking. It's clicking!
Ah.
There's people in Africa who totally communicate that way.
Oh, Roger. No they don't. They don't just make clicking noises. The clicks are just part of their other words. Like an extra letter.
Oh, sure. Then why do they call them the clicking tribe?
Well, because that's part of how they--
Also, you know the name of the tribe?
I think one of them is called--
They're called the kung! That's where we got kung fu. Hai-ya!
What? No it's not! Kung fu is from China. It doesn't have anything to do with African tribes.
See? Christopher told me you'd say that, too. He says people deny the contributions of African people. Now I see what he means.
But, that doesn't make any sense.
Where do you think the Chinese learned kung fu? From the kung. When they said "hai-ya" originally, it used to have a click at the beginning. But it gave their enemies a warning, so they stopped using it. See? Jay and I are going to practice our kung fu moves at lunch. You can come watch.
You and Jay? Where?
In the conference room. Why? Are you going to come watch?
No. I want to make sure I don't see it accidentally.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Okay, Jay. I give up.
On what, MG?
You! What are you doing?
Just, you know, chillin'.
Chillin', Jay? I'm going to pretend I didn't even hear that. But what is with the baseball cap?
Oh, you know. Just, wearing a baseball cap.
But why?
Does there have to be a reason for everything, babe?
Babe? I'd say there was something in the water. Except, of course, that we don't have any.
On what, MG?
You! What are you doing?
Just, you know, chillin'.
Chillin', Jay? I'm going to pretend I didn't even hear that. But what is with the baseball cap?
Oh, you know. Just, wearing a baseball cap.
But why?
Does there have to be a reason for everything, babe?
Babe? I'd say there was something in the water. Except, of course, that we don't have any.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Here, MG. I brought you a bottle of water.
That's sweet, Jay. New khakis?
Yeah, I thought those slacks I was always wearing were a little, prissy. Anyway, I know how stressed out you got last time the water ran out, so I thought this might make it a little better for you. I mean, not a lot, but maybe a little.
Ah, I'm fine. The good thing about going through all that hassle and being on the phone with fifty different useless people last time is that now I know exactly what to do.
Oh, that's good. You got the system all figured out.
Yep. All I have to do to make the water get delivered is wait til our next scheduled shipment and-- voila! Water.
Well, I guess that's one way to get it done.
Here's the thing. I can make a million calls, and fax requests on company letterhead, and basically bang my head against the wall every day for a week, or I can sit quietly and sip bottled water and tell everyone who asks that "I'm working on it," and the result will be the same. Which option would you go with?
See your point, dude.
Dude, Jay?
Yeah, what?
Nothing, I guess.
That's sweet, Jay. New khakis?
Yeah, I thought those slacks I was always wearing were a little, prissy. Anyway, I know how stressed out you got last time the water ran out, so I thought this might make it a little better for you. I mean, not a lot, but maybe a little.
Ah, I'm fine. The good thing about going through all that hassle and being on the phone with fifty different useless people last time is that now I know exactly what to do.
Oh, that's good. You got the system all figured out.
Yep. All I have to do to make the water get delivered is wait til our next scheduled shipment and-- voila! Water.
Well, I guess that's one way to get it done.
Here's the thing. I can make a million calls, and fax requests on company letterhead, and basically bang my head against the wall every day for a week, or I can sit quietly and sip bottled water and tell everyone who asks that "I'm working on it," and the result will be the same. Which option would you go with?
See your point, dude.
Dude, Jay?
Yeah, what?
Nothing, I guess.
MG, this is so chaotic. I can't believe we're out of water again.
Ugh, Vinnie, are we really? Seems like we just went through all this.
How can I refill my Envirascape if there's no bottled water?
Your what?
My little electric rock fountain. I keep it bubbling away on my desk to kind of wash away some of the negative energy around here.
Hm.
The other main thing is that, you know, running water absorbs the harmful effects from the radio waves that zap out of the computer monitors and cell phones and all that.
I did not know that. And you use the water cooler water to fill up the fountain?
Every morning and afternoon! You wouldn't expect water that isn't pure to cleanse magnetic radiation, now would you?
Certainly would not.
Ugh, Vinnie, are we really? Seems like we just went through all this.
How can I refill my Envirascape if there's no bottled water?
Your what?
My little electric rock fountain. I keep it bubbling away on my desk to kind of wash away some of the negative energy around here.
Hm.
The other main thing is that, you know, running water absorbs the harmful effects from the radio waves that zap out of the computer monitors and cell phones and all that.
I did not know that. And you use the water cooler water to fill up the fountain?
Every morning and afternoon! You wouldn't expect water that isn't pure to cleanse magnetic radiation, now would you?
Certainly would not.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Hey, Barbarella, what did you do to Leah?
Me, Vinnie? How am I Barbarella now?
Relax. It's a compliment! Because you're fierce. Grr!
Thanks, Vin. And I thought we were keeping the fur bikini just between us. What are you talking about?
Leah's just sitting at her desk, staring at one of those mangy teddy bears.
Sounds about par.
No, she's got this morbid, vacant look in her eyes. Like she's looking into a vortex. And when I walked by and said hello, she didn't even give me that syrupy, patronizing little 'Hi, Vinnnnnnie' that she always does.
Hm. That is strange. But wait! Why did you assume it was my fault?
Me, Vinnie? How am I Barbarella now?
Relax. It's a compliment! Because you're fierce. Grr!
Thanks, Vin. And I thought we were keeping the fur bikini just between us. What are you talking about?
Leah's just sitting at her desk, staring at one of those mangy teddy bears.
Sounds about par.
No, she's got this morbid, vacant look in her eyes. Like she's looking into a vortex. And when I walked by and said hello, she didn't even give me that syrupy, patronizing little 'Hi, Vinnnnnnie' that she always does.
Hm. That is strange. But wait! Why did you assume it was my fault?
Hey, Jay. Everything okay?
Sure, MG, why?
You just look a little more... stubbly than usual.
Oh. Yeah. That's no big deal. I just didn't shave today.
Kind of a new look?
Exactly.
Sort of, I-slept-in-my-clothes-and-also-woke-up-too-late-to-shave?
Hey, I can't spend all my time grooming, you know.
Sure, I relate. You've just never looked so, um, casual before.
Well, between us, I was afraid the way I've been dressing might be giving off the wrong signals.
Hm, that you're an adult male?
No, that... well. I just think maybe there's such a thing as too neat, you know?
Sure, MG, why?
You just look a little more... stubbly than usual.
Oh. Yeah. That's no big deal. I just didn't shave today.
Kind of a new look?
Exactly.
Sort of, I-slept-in-my-clothes-and-also-woke-up-too-late-to-shave?
Hey, I can't spend all my time grooming, you know.
Sure, I relate. You've just never looked so, um, casual before.
Well, between us, I was afraid the way I've been dressing might be giving off the wrong signals.
Hm, that you're an adult male?
No, that... well. I just think maybe there's such a thing as too neat, you know?
Monday, January 24, 2005
Hi, Jay. You're looking ruddy today.
Hi, Vin. Freezing out. I think my whole face is chapped.
Well, it would be, if you're not moisturizing.
Yeah, that's what they say. I'll, uh, think about it. What's up?
Do you have any idea who that little hoodie is who's always darting around Nina's office?
Yeah, that guy? I don't know. Some kind of delivery guy. I figure, maybe, one of those trade pubs that they have someone deliver special, so you feel like it's worth the few hundred bucks a year?
Hmm. Anything's possible these days. But you'd think they'd get someone who more looks the part, right? More Washington Financial and less Washington Square Park?
Yeah, I guess. I don't really know. Why?
Oh, just wondering. When I was younger, I would have really wanted to know, if you know what I mean. Now, you could say my tastes have matured. Settled down a little, grown up a little. Do you know what I mean, Jay?
Um, yeah, Vinnie, sure. I guess so. I mean, for example, I like older women now more than I did when I was younger. When I liked younger women. Before.
Just shows you, tastes can change, and do. Talk to you later, Jay.
Sure, Vin. See you round.
Hi, Vin. Freezing out. I think my whole face is chapped.
Well, it would be, if you're not moisturizing.
Yeah, that's what they say. I'll, uh, think about it. What's up?
Do you have any idea who that little hoodie is who's always darting around Nina's office?
Yeah, that guy? I don't know. Some kind of delivery guy. I figure, maybe, one of those trade pubs that they have someone deliver special, so you feel like it's worth the few hundred bucks a year?
Hmm. Anything's possible these days. But you'd think they'd get someone who more looks the part, right? More Washington Financial and less Washington Square Park?
Yeah, I guess. I don't really know. Why?
Oh, just wondering. When I was younger, I would have really wanted to know, if you know what I mean. Now, you could say my tastes have matured. Settled down a little, grown up a little. Do you know what I mean, Jay?
Um, yeah, Vinnie, sure. I guess so. I mean, for example, I like older women now more than I did when I was younger. When I liked younger women. Before.
Just shows you, tastes can change, and do. Talk to you later, Jay.
Sure, Vin. See you round.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Thank you all so much for coming. I don't trust myself to talk, really, so I'll let the cake say it all. This bakery near my sister's house always has those photo cakes in the window and I always thought to myself, I thought, someday, I'll get one of those cakes with someone's picture on it - won't that be a hoot? I always thought it would be a happy cake, for my niece's birthday or my nephew's first bicycle ride, but here there was something that really needed to be commemorated, and I just thought, now what better way to celebrate the joy that Frankles brought to me and everyone around him? So I got them to print this picture of the time he managed to scratch open the bag of kitty litter that was on the kitchen counter. I suppose I had just brought it back from the store and left it up on the counter while I was putting away the groceries. A stream of kitty litter cascaded off the counter and into a little mountain on the kitchen floor. Of course, I was-- no, I wouldn't say angry, even for a moment. Let's say, surprised. But then he climbed right up on top of that little mountain and licked his little paws and looked up at me to say hello, and that's when I grabbed the camera and took this gem. There it is, immortalized forever in buttercream frosting. Before I get too, too, you understand. Before I go any further, let's all share this. And no, just this once, friends, it's not low-carb. Frankles would have wanted it that way. Now, who wants this piece with his little paw?
MG, come on, it's time!
Time, Roger?
For the meowmorial! Ha, get it? That was an awesome one. I don't know how she thought of that. So, let's go! What did you bring?
Bring?
You know, the invitation said to bring something to honor Frankles.
Oh, god. I didn't get that far on the invite.
Well, I brought a toy that my own cat used to love. See? It's a little metal wind-up spider that jumps around. OJ used to go totally crazy chasing it around.
What happened to... OJ?
Actually, she choked on the spider.
That one?
Yup. It was totally the worst. I, like, pulled it out of her throat. But...
Ew, Roger! Um, Roger? Are you okay?
Yeah. Sure. It's... aw, dude! I don't know if I can make it through this thing! It just brings back too many memories, you know? I always get choked up.
But you were all, 'dead cat samurai!' and all that.
Yeah, that was kind of awesome, right? Totally shows, you just never know when these things are going to come back and hit you. Alright, let's get out there and be strong for Joanne, right?
Um, right.
Time, Roger?
For the meowmorial! Ha, get it? That was an awesome one. I don't know how she thought of that. So, let's go! What did you bring?
Bring?
You know, the invitation said to bring something to honor Frankles.
Oh, god. I didn't get that far on the invite.
Well, I brought a toy that my own cat used to love. See? It's a little metal wind-up spider that jumps around. OJ used to go totally crazy chasing it around.
What happened to... OJ?
Actually, she choked on the spider.
That one?
Yup. It was totally the worst. I, like, pulled it out of her throat. But...
Ew, Roger! Um, Roger? Are you okay?
Yeah. Sure. It's... aw, dude! I don't know if I can make it through this thing! It just brings back too many memories, you know? I always get choked up.
But you were all, 'dead cat samurai!' and all that.
Yeah, that was kind of awesome, right? Totally shows, you just never know when these things are going to come back and hit you. Alright, let's get out there and be strong for Joanne, right?
Um, right.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Hey, MG. MG? MG!
Oh! Hi, Jay. Sorry. Didn't hear you.
I noticed. What are you doing?
Celebrating the inauguration.
You're kidding.
Nope. I've got CNN's streaming video of it on with the sound down, and I'm listening to this album on repeat.
Which?
Here.
Ah. Right. Good choice. It's like they wrote it just about him.
I think they did, didn't they?
Could be. Don't let anyone catch you with headphones on, though, ok? You remember what happened to that girl in accounting.
Oh! Hi, Jay. Sorry. Didn't hear you.
I noticed. What are you doing?
Celebrating the inauguration.
You're kidding.
Nope. I've got CNN's streaming video of it on with the sound down, and I'm listening to this album on repeat.
Which?
Here.
Ah. Right. Good choice. It's like they wrote it just about him.
I think they did, didn't they?
Could be. Don't let anyone catch you with headphones on, though, ok? You remember what happened to that girl in accounting.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Vinnie, what if you know it's really wrong to laugh at something, but that something is so unintentionally hilarious and sad that you just can't help it?
Well, MG. In that case, you should try to focus on your personal calming color - for me it's lavender -
natch.
Very funny. You should visualize yourself breathing in your calming color and breathing out an image of whatever it is that's creating conflicting feelings.
Hm. I guess I could try that.
And then you should whisper in Auntie Vincent's ear what on earth is so funny!
Okay. I know this is bad. I know there's solemn intent behind it. But Joanne's little get-together gathering for her cat on Friday, the invitation calls it--
Oh my god! The Meowmorial! I almost died!
Right?
Oh, yes. That will take more than color breathing. In that case, I have to recommend going into the bathroom and laughing into a mitt of toilet paper til it passes.
Now you're talking.
And then slap yourself for being a bitch.
That was more or less my plan. Thanks, Vin.
No problem, sweetie. Remember to dab at your eyes when you come out. Let them think you were crying instead of laughing.
It's getting harder to tell the difference every day.
Well, MG. In that case, you should try to focus on your personal calming color - for me it's lavender -
natch.
Very funny. You should visualize yourself breathing in your calming color and breathing out an image of whatever it is that's creating conflicting feelings.
Hm. I guess I could try that.
And then you should whisper in Auntie Vincent's ear what on earth is so funny!
Okay. I know this is bad. I know there's solemn intent behind it. But Joanne's little get-together gathering for her cat on Friday, the invitation calls it--
Oh my god! The Meowmorial! I almost died!
Right?
Oh, yes. That will take more than color breathing. In that case, I have to recommend going into the bathroom and laughing into a mitt of toilet paper til it passes.
Now you're talking.
And then slap yourself for being a bitch.
That was more or less my plan. Thanks, Vin.
No problem, sweetie. Remember to dab at your eyes when you come out. Let them think you were crying instead of laughing.
It's getting harder to tell the difference every day.
Here, MG. Joanne asked me to distribute these. You have to sign here and say if you're going or not.
What is it, Alana?
Here. Look yourself.
Friday afternoon; kitchen-lounge area; gathering of support, memory, and closure; special refreshments...
You just have to check off at your name on the clipboard whether you'll attend or not.
Sure, sure. Let me see it. I'll sign. Oh!
Leave it to you to find something funny in someone else's tragedy. You know, if you're going to laugh about it, you shouldn't even go. It's supposed to be about respect, you know.
No, no. It's not funny. I didn't mean to laugh. It's just...
It's just that your stupid new year's resolution, that everybody knows about, by the way, is like, a complete joke. I don't know why you thought you could make people think you weren't mean.
What is it, Alana?
Here. Look yourself.
Friday afternoon; kitchen-lounge area; gathering of support, memory, and closure; special refreshments...
You just have to check off at your name on the clipboard whether you'll attend or not.
Sure, sure. Let me see it. I'll sign. Oh!
Leave it to you to find something funny in someone else's tragedy. You know, if you're going to laugh about it, you shouldn't even go. It's supposed to be about respect, you know.
No, no. It's not funny. I didn't mean to laugh. It's just...
It's just that your stupid new year's resolution, that everybody knows about, by the way, is like, a complete joke. I don't know why you thought you could make people think you weren't mean.
MG, did you ever start getting mail again since Christopher started?
Once in a while, Jay. I never got that much, anyway, and most of it I could honestly do without. I only notice it when I'm waiting for something. Why?
Well, I think I offended him the other day. And I didn't mean to! He's young and he's looking for some kind of identity, and I didn't mean to insult that at all, you know? But now all my mail looks like it's been stepped on.
Hm.
What happened to him, anyway? He was such a sweet kid, and now he seems so angry.
Yeah, ever since the break. Maybe he spent the whole thing watching 'A Very Sharpton Christmas.'
Is that a show?
I don't know. Something got to him.
Once in a while, Jay. I never got that much, anyway, and most of it I could honestly do without. I only notice it when I'm waiting for something. Why?
Well, I think I offended him the other day. And I didn't mean to! He's young and he's looking for some kind of identity, and I didn't mean to insult that at all, you know? But now all my mail looks like it's been stepped on.
Hm.
What happened to him, anyway? He was such a sweet kid, and now he seems so angry.
Yeah, ever since the break. Maybe he spent the whole thing watching 'A Very Sharpton Christmas.'
Is that a show?
I don't know. Something got to him.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Hey, Jay. How was the weekend?
Umm, good, MG. You?
Good. Nice to have that extra day off.
Did you have a comp day or something?
No, the MLK holiday. Yesterday.
Hm. Yesterday? That wasn't a day off. Everyone was here.
What? I thought it was a holiday! Didn't we have off last year?
Nope. We weren't supposed to, anyway. I was about the only one who came in last year. But this time, most people showed up. Except Christopher, he left early. He took the day off on political grounds, though, so there's probably an exception for that.
Shit! So I just totally missed a day of work?
Yep. Wouldn't worry too much, though. Maybe nobody even noticed. Don't look so upset!
I'm not upset. But I'm annoyed. I played hooky without even having the satisfaction of knowing that everyone else was working. Ruins the fun, kind of.
Umm, good, MG. You?
Good. Nice to have that extra day off.
Did you have a comp day or something?
No, the MLK holiday. Yesterday.
Hm. Yesterday? That wasn't a day off. Everyone was here.
What? I thought it was a holiday! Didn't we have off last year?
Nope. We weren't supposed to, anyway. I was about the only one who came in last year. But this time, most people showed up. Except Christopher, he left early. He took the day off on political grounds, though, so there's probably an exception for that.
Shit! So I just totally missed a day of work?
Yep. Wouldn't worry too much, though. Maybe nobody even noticed. Don't look so upset!
I'm not upset. But I'm annoyed. I played hooky without even having the satisfaction of knowing that everyone else was working. Ruins the fun, kind of.
Monday, January 17, 2005
People are getting assassinated every day. This is just one more day of disrespect.
Hi, Christopher, who gets assassinated every day?
People, Jay. My people. Everywhere. You just don't hear about it because the mass media isn't trying to notify when it's my people.
Hm, your people? People get killed, and it's tragic but they don't get assassinated. Also, I'm not sure technically how they're 'your--
They do. But when it's my brothers and sisters, no one hears about it.
But, Christopher, that's kind of what assassinated means. It's someone who'd make the news if they got killed. Like a political leader or some kind of, you know, important person.
See? Just because someone isn't a political leader, they can't be important to your way of thinking, right? So all those people who get assassinated every single day out there don't even matter? Man, Jay, I thought you were a little more aware. You need to open your eyes, 'cause you don't see what's happening right around you.
It's not that they don't matter, I just don't think you can say they're assassinated, that's all.
This is the problem. This is why we are spending the whole day spitting on the Reverend Dr. King instead of respecting him. Because people like you who act like they're all cool are secretly racist and want to deny his achievements.
Christopher, what? How can you say that? I didn't deny anything! Martin Luther King was assassinated. Nobody said he wasn't! I thought we were just talking about semantics, word choice for what it's called when people are, unfortunately, murdered. That's all! I wasn't trying to get into anything with you, for goodness' sake.
That is just the problem. I am done working here today. This is my refusal. And if you had any respect for the people whose sweat and blood built this country, then you would, too.
Well, the company decided not to give us today off. I don't think we can just--
People like you, man. You're the ones who are holding us down. I'm out.
Hi, Christopher, who gets assassinated every day?
People, Jay. My people. Everywhere. You just don't hear about it because the mass media isn't trying to notify when it's my people.
Hm, your people? People get killed, and it's tragic but they don't get assassinated. Also, I'm not sure technically how they're 'your--
They do. But when it's my brothers and sisters, no one hears about it.
But, Christopher, that's kind of what assassinated means. It's someone who'd make the news if they got killed. Like a political leader or some kind of, you know, important person.
See? Just because someone isn't a political leader, they can't be important to your way of thinking, right? So all those people who get assassinated every single day out there don't even matter? Man, Jay, I thought you were a little more aware. You need to open your eyes, 'cause you don't see what's happening right around you.
It's not that they don't matter, I just don't think you can say they're assassinated, that's all.
This is the problem. This is why we are spending the whole day spitting on the Reverend Dr. King instead of respecting him. Because people like you who act like they're all cool are secretly racist and want to deny his achievements.
Christopher, what? How can you say that? I didn't deny anything! Martin Luther King was assassinated. Nobody said he wasn't! I thought we were just talking about semantics, word choice for what it's called when people are, unfortunately, murdered. That's all! I wasn't trying to get into anything with you, for goodness' sake.
That is just the problem. I am done working here today. This is my refusal. And if you had any respect for the people whose sweat and blood built this country, then you would, too.
Well, the company decided not to give us today off. I don't think we can just--
People like you, man. You're the ones who are holding us down. I'm out.
Friday, January 14, 2005
MG, I heard your new years resolution is to be nice to everyone.
Um, yes.
Does that mean even me?
Yes, Roger.
No matter what?
I'm trying.
So, if I tell you a joke you have to listen to it?
I guess so.
Ok, sweet! I have a knock knock joke.
Good grief.
But you have to, right? Or you totally fail your resolution!
Ok, ok. Go ahead.
Cool! This is an awesome knock knock joke. You start!
Haaaah. Ok. Knock knock?
Who's there?
Um.
Ha! Get it? Ha! I made you start it! So you didn't know! Get it? You totally fell for it!
Yes, yes I certainly did.
But you still have to be nice to me! You can't get mad! This rocks! I love new years. Do you have any other resolutions?
I think I'm revising the original one.
Um, yes.
Does that mean even me?
Yes, Roger.
No matter what?
I'm trying.
So, if I tell you a joke you have to listen to it?
I guess so.
Ok, sweet! I have a knock knock joke.
Good grief.
But you have to, right? Or you totally fail your resolution!
Ok, ok. Go ahead.
Cool! This is an awesome knock knock joke. You start!
Haaaah. Ok. Knock knock?
Who's there?
Um.
Ha! Get it? Ha! I made you start it! So you didn't know! Get it? You totally fell for it!
Yes, yes I certainly did.
But you still have to be nice to me! You can't get mad! This rocks! I love new years. Do you have any other resolutions?
I think I'm revising the original one.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
MG, I need you to come in here a min-- what is that? What are you wearing?
It's an armband, Nina. We're all in, um, mourning.
Oh, sweet holy hell, if I have to hear one more single word about the poor little orphans I'll just--
It's not for orphans. It's for--
Okay, okay, I understand, I get it: entire villages were wiped out, and it's not just the children, it's the poor fathers and the poor mothers and now they don't have anything, boo, hoo, hoo. You know what? They didn't have anything to start with. And frankly, when all the Dudley Doorights get sick of the mosquitoes and the muck and they parachute right back out to their caramel lattes, those people are still not going to have anything. And you know who's not going to care one whit then? The same people who are running around now waving their wallets in the air and wrapping silly scraps of fabric around their arms. No offense.
Um, none taken, I guess. The armbands are for Joanne's cat.
Oh. I see. I did hear something about that. Speaking of caramel lattes, would you be an angel? Make sure to tell them light whip this time.
It's an armband, Nina. We're all in, um, mourning.
Oh, sweet holy hell, if I have to hear one more single word about the poor little orphans I'll just--
It's not for orphans. It's for--
Okay, okay, I understand, I get it: entire villages were wiped out, and it's not just the children, it's the poor fathers and the poor mothers and now they don't have anything, boo, hoo, hoo. You know what? They didn't have anything to start with. And frankly, when all the Dudley Doorights get sick of the mosquitoes and the muck and they parachute right back out to their caramel lattes, those people are still not going to have anything. And you know who's not going to care one whit then? The same people who are running around now waving their wallets in the air and wrapping silly scraps of fabric around their arms. No offense.
Um, none taken, I guess. The armbands are for Joanne's cat.
Oh. I see. I did hear something about that. Speaking of caramel lattes, would you be an angel? Make sure to tell them light whip this time.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Ugh, I can't believe this, Vinnie.
MG, you realize that what you believe affects what you perceive, right? So if you can't believe something, that might just mean that you don't want to face it, so you readjust your own reality to match your perception of reality. See? So, what's affecting your perception?
Um, my perception is that we finally got this goddam copier fixed, and now I'm perceiving that it's busted again.
Now, you have to take a cleansing breath and then a non-judgmental look at what's causing you to have that perception, and then think about whether there's a basis in so-called reality for it, or whether you're projecting an internal perception onto external events.
Mm-hm. That's great. But unfortunately in this case, it's pretty clear. All my photocopies are coming out grey. The toner drum or whatever the hell's in there must be leaking or something. Unless you can think of another non-perception-whatever-based explanation?
Ahh. Now, MG, you didn't take a cleansing breath before you came to that conclusion, did you? Did you try to use your 'insight-mind' to consider other possibilities?
Vinnie! Come on! I've got a stack of grey photocopies in my hand! Don't tell me I'm imagining that?
Oh, no. Those are very reality-based. But understanding why would come from a non-linear thinking process that--
Vin, look. You know I respect all your theories or whatever, but I just need to get the stupid copier fixed.
Or do you?
Quit that little grin, for godsake.
What if I told you that the paper was grey on purpose?
Like it's part of the plan of the universe?
No, like it's part of my plan for a more peaceful office! I replaced all the white paper in the copier with grey. I got the idea from when the copier was broken and it was printing them out that way, and I thought they looked nicer. So I ordered a carton of grey paper instead. They call it "ash." I just think it's more soothing. And when your mind is more relaxed, it's easier to go into a beta-wave state which promotes--
Vinnie, did you get a new book or something?
No. I downloaded these hypnosis mind-sessions into my iPod. I listen to them on the train in the morning, and when I get here, I have this whole new mind-perspective on reality. You should try it. It's like brushing your teeth, but for your outlook. You know?
I guess. That's why I listen to the Ramones in the morning.
MG, you realize that what you believe affects what you perceive, right? So if you can't believe something, that might just mean that you don't want to face it, so you readjust your own reality to match your perception of reality. See? So, what's affecting your perception?
Um, my perception is that we finally got this goddam copier fixed, and now I'm perceiving that it's busted again.
Now, you have to take a cleansing breath and then a non-judgmental look at what's causing you to have that perception, and then think about whether there's a basis in so-called reality for it, or whether you're projecting an internal perception onto external events.
Mm-hm. That's great. But unfortunately in this case, it's pretty clear. All my photocopies are coming out grey. The toner drum or whatever the hell's in there must be leaking or something. Unless you can think of another non-perception-whatever-based explanation?
Ahh. Now, MG, you didn't take a cleansing breath before you came to that conclusion, did you? Did you try to use your 'insight-mind' to consider other possibilities?
Vinnie! Come on! I've got a stack of grey photocopies in my hand! Don't tell me I'm imagining that?
Oh, no. Those are very reality-based. But understanding why would come from a non-linear thinking process that--
Vin, look. You know I respect all your theories or whatever, but I just need to get the stupid copier fixed.
Or do you?
Quit that little grin, for godsake.
What if I told you that the paper was grey on purpose?
Like it's part of the plan of the universe?
No, like it's part of my plan for a more peaceful office! I replaced all the white paper in the copier with grey. I got the idea from when the copier was broken and it was printing them out that way, and I thought they looked nicer. So I ordered a carton of grey paper instead. They call it "ash." I just think it's more soothing. And when your mind is more relaxed, it's easier to go into a beta-wave state which promotes--
Vinnie, did you get a new book or something?
No. I downloaded these hypnosis mind-sessions into my iPod. I listen to them on the train in the morning, and when I get here, I have this whole new mind-perspective on reality. You should try it. It's like brushing your teeth, but for your outlook. You know?
I guess. That's why I listen to the Ramones in the morning.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
MG! Look! I'm a samurai! Hai-ya!
Godsake, Roger, take that off!
What. It looks cool. I am the cat-head samurai! Haiiii-ya!
It does not look cool! If you're going to wear that, you should wear it with respect. It's a sign of mourning.
Yeah, I found it on my desk this morning. What are you talking about?
Roger, do you even know what that is?
Uh, yeah? It's an evil-cat-head head band. Why else would I have it on my head?
Roger! It's an armband. Joanne made them for everyone to show their support since her cat died. That's a picture of her dead cat that you have plastered on your forehead.
That's even cooler! I'm the dead cat-head samurai!
Roger.
What. It's perfect. The samurais used to scalp their enemies and wear them on their own heads, so this is kind of the same thing.
What? No they did not, and no it is not. Look, if Joanne sees you like that, she's gonna freak out.
No, she's not. She already saw it. She looked right at me. She, like, grabbed both my hands and said thank you. So, haiiii-ya!
Godsake, Roger, take that off!
What. It looks cool. I am the cat-head samurai! Haiiii-ya!
It does not look cool! If you're going to wear that, you should wear it with respect. It's a sign of mourning.
Yeah, I found it on my desk this morning. What are you talking about?
Roger, do you even know what that is?
Uh, yeah? It's an evil-cat-head head band. Why else would I have it on my head?
Roger! It's an armband. Joanne made them for everyone to show their support since her cat died. That's a picture of her dead cat that you have plastered on your forehead.
That's even cooler! I'm the dead cat-head samurai!
Roger.
What. It's perfect. The samurais used to scalp their enemies and wear them on their own heads, so this is kind of the same thing.
What? No they did not, and no it is not. Look, if Joanne sees you like that, she's gonna freak out.
No, she's not. She already saw it. She looked right at me. She, like, grabbed both my hands and said thank you. So, haiiii-ya!
Monday, January 10, 2005
Joanne, I just wanted to say, I hope this is okay. What do you think?
What's that, Leah? Sorry, dear, I was distracted. What were you saying?
I just wanted to say, I hope this is okay. I'm wearing kind of a blousy sweater, because my boyfriend says he loves how my boobs look in cashmere. Oh. Anyway, so, the sleeves made it look funny when I pulled it around my arm, so I just tied it around the neck of this teddy bear. I'm going to prop him up right on top of the monitor so everyone can see him, and see that we're in mourning for you, too.
Oh, thank you, dear. That's wonderful. Everyone will be able see it up there. I'm sure little Frankles can see it, too, wherever he is.
Oh, Joanne.
Well, we know exactly where he is. And I say to myself all day long, I say, Joanne, don't be so sad. Frankles is watching from cat heaven, and he wouldn't want to see you be sad all day. He'd want me to keep busy. I just know it. So, I spent the whole weekend making those, and I just thought, well, if everyone could just wear them for one week, it would really help. You know? And it does. It's helping me.
That's good, Joanne. It's like my boyfriend says, he says to me, "Leah, you can't ask why, why, why all the time. You just have to accept some things." That always really helps me.
What's that, Leah? Sorry, dear, I was distracted. What were you saying?
I just wanted to say, I hope this is okay. I'm wearing kind of a blousy sweater, because my boyfriend says he loves how my boobs look in cashmere. Oh. Anyway, so, the sleeves made it look funny when I pulled it around my arm, so I just tied it around the neck of this teddy bear. I'm going to prop him up right on top of the monitor so everyone can see him, and see that we're in mourning for you, too.
Oh, thank you, dear. That's wonderful. Everyone will be able see it up there. I'm sure little Frankles can see it, too, wherever he is.
Oh, Joanne.
Well, we know exactly where he is. And I say to myself all day long, I say, Joanne, don't be so sad. Frankles is watching from cat heaven, and he wouldn't want to see you be sad all day. He'd want me to keep busy. I just know it. So, I spent the whole weekend making those, and I just thought, well, if everyone could just wear them for one week, it would really help. You know? And it does. It's helping me.
That's good, Joanne. It's like my boyfriend says, he says to me, "Leah, you can't ask why, why, why all the time. You just have to accept some things." That always really helps me.
Ooh, interesting fashion statement, MG. Is it a tsunami thing?
As if the office would be involved. No. And it's not just me, Vinnie. I guess you haven't seen Joanne yet today.
Oh, is she back? How is she doing?
Definitely on the edge. More than usual, I mean. That's the main reason I'm even wearing this. I don't want to see her lose it completely, and maybe showing a little support will help? I don't know. Anyway, I couldn't really say no. She had this glazed look in her eye when she asked me to put it on.
Spooky.
It was.
Well, I'll go talk to her. I have a lot of good books about natural paths to maintaining your equilibrium through trauma. I'll recommend some healing mantras, too.
That's sweet of you, Vin. I tried to give her a Xanax, but she said her stomach was fine and walked away.
As if the office would be involved. No. And it's not just me, Vinnie. I guess you haven't seen Joanne yet today.
Oh, is she back? How is she doing?
Definitely on the edge. More than usual, I mean. That's the main reason I'm even wearing this. I don't want to see her lose it completely, and maybe showing a little support will help? I don't know. Anyway, I couldn't really say no. She had this glazed look in her eye when she asked me to put it on.
Spooky.
It was.
Well, I'll go talk to her. I have a lot of good books about natural paths to maintaining your equilibrium through trauma. I'll recommend some healing mantras, too.
That's sweet of you, Vin. I tried to give her a Xanax, but she said her stomach was fine and walked away.
Friday, January 07, 2005
Hey, there. How's Operation Susie Sunshine going?
Fuck off. I'm not in the mood right now, ok, Jay? No use. They'll never like me.
That well, huh?
Everyone here is nuts.
That could work in your favor.
Jay!
I just mean, they won't notice your sudden shift in personality.
Jay! I'm just trying to be a little bit friendlier. I don't necessarily consider that a radical change!
Okay. Sure. I mean, I've always thought you were nice.
Okay, whatever. Speaking of sudden personality shifts, have you talked to Christopher since we've been back?
Not really, why?
I think he's getting in touch with his inner Eminem or something. This place does things to people.
Fuck off. I'm not in the mood right now, ok, Jay? No use. They'll never like me.
That well, huh?
Everyone here is nuts.
That could work in your favor.
Jay!
I just mean, they won't notice your sudden shift in personality.
Jay! I'm just trying to be a little bit friendlier. I don't necessarily consider that a radical change!
Okay. Sure. I mean, I've always thought you were nice.
Okay, whatever. Speaking of sudden personality shifts, have you talked to Christopher since we've been back?
Not really, why?
I think he's getting in touch with his inner Eminem or something. This place does things to people.
Hello, Christopher. Happy new year. That looks... nice.
Nice? Yo, this ain't about looking nice.
Oh.
It's about how I represent.
Represent?
You heard. I got my doo-rag on for solidarity.
Christopher? Solidarity with...?
Solidarity with my strong black brothers and sisters. I am no longer showing toleration for a situation that means the promulgation of sufferation.
Christopher? What did you do on vacation?
What did I do? I opened my eyes. These eyes. These brown motherfuckin' eyes.
Weren't your eyes blue?
I got contacts all up in here. Peace.
Uh, peace.
Nice? Yo, this ain't about looking nice.
Oh.
It's about how I represent.
Represent?
You heard. I got my doo-rag on for solidarity.
Christopher? Solidarity with...?
Solidarity with my strong black brothers and sisters. I am no longer showing toleration for a situation that means the promulgation of sufferation.
Christopher? What did you do on vacation?
What did I do? I opened my eyes. These eyes. These brown motherfuckin' eyes.
Weren't your eyes blue?
I got contacts all up in here. Peace.
Uh, peace.
Leah, happy new year.
What does that mean, MG?
Just, happy new year. I'm just saying happy new year. We haven't talked since we got back to work.
And?
And I just wanted to say hi. How was your break?
Um, it was fine?
I guess you spent it with your boyfriend?
Yeah, basically. The first part. He had a training camp session from Christmas to New Year's.
Oh. Do you guys live together?
No. He's very religious and moral, for your information. He doesn't believe in that. He always says, "All in time, Leah, all in God's time."
Oh. Okay. Sorry. I was just curious. Since you have his pictures all over, and everything.
He is the one thing I could talk about all day long, you know? He's just so unbelievable. I notice you don't have any photos on your desk. Unless they're buried under the papers. Everybody always wonders, nobody special in your life, MG?
Me? I'm not so big on pictures. Anyway, just wanted to start the new year off right with everyone. I'll talk to you later.
Um, Okay. Sure. That'll be something to look forward to.
What?
Nothing. Have a good one.
What does that mean, MG?
Just, happy new year. I'm just saying happy new year. We haven't talked since we got back to work.
And?
And I just wanted to say hi. How was your break?
Um, it was fine?
I guess you spent it with your boyfriend?
Yeah, basically. The first part. He had a training camp session from Christmas to New Year's.
Oh. Do you guys live together?
No. He's very religious and moral, for your information. He doesn't believe in that. He always says, "All in time, Leah, all in God's time."
Oh. Okay. Sorry. I was just curious. Since you have his pictures all over, and everything.
He is the one thing I could talk about all day long, you know? He's just so unbelievable. I notice you don't have any photos on your desk. Unless they're buried under the papers. Everybody always wonders, nobody special in your life, MG?
Me? I'm not so big on pictures. Anyway, just wanted to start the new year off right with everyone. I'll talk to you later.
Um, Okay. Sure. That'll be something to look forward to.
What?
Nothing. Have a good one.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Vinnie! Wow!
I know! Do you love it?
It's really... dramatic.
Yes. I've moved the drama out of my personal life, and onto my head. It was my new year's resolution. What was yours?
I think I'm going to try to be a little friendlier to everyone.
You? But MG, you are such a sweetheart. You're the only person who didn't freak out about my hair.
Thanks, Vin. But you're the only one who thinks so.
Anything else on the MG-improvement agenda?
I was thinking about quitting smoking. But the two would be mutually exclusive. Of course.
So true, sweetie! I personally was in a state of permanent PMS for three entire months after I quit. Not cute. But then I started with the crystals and the herbal tea and the color science therapy, and voila. I am the smoke-free pillar of zen you see before you today. Ommm!
Hm. I'll keep that in mind. But I think I'm going to stick to smokes and strained smiles for a while, see how that goes.
Ok, honey. But you know, it couldn't hurt to reorient your Feng Shui a little. Maybe, you know, a fresh plant or something?
What, the dusty plastic one doesn't count?
I know! Do you love it?
It's really... dramatic.
Yes. I've moved the drama out of my personal life, and onto my head. It was my new year's resolution. What was yours?
I think I'm going to try to be a little friendlier to everyone.
You? But MG, you are such a sweetheart. You're the only person who didn't freak out about my hair.
Thanks, Vin. But you're the only one who thinks so.
Anything else on the MG-improvement agenda?
I was thinking about quitting smoking. But the two would be mutually exclusive. Of course.
So true, sweetie! I personally was in a state of permanent PMS for three entire months after I quit. Not cute. But then I started with the crystals and the herbal tea and the color science therapy, and voila. I am the smoke-free pillar of zen you see before you today. Ommm!
Hm. I'll keep that in mind. But I think I'm going to stick to smokes and strained smiles for a while, see how that goes.
Ok, honey. But you know, it couldn't hurt to reorient your Feng Shui a little. Maybe, you know, a fresh plant or something?
What, the dusty plastic one doesn't count?
Jay, can I ask you something?
Sure, MG. What's up?
Do you think people here think I'm nice?
Nice?
Yeah, nice.
Hm. Why do you ask?
Well, Alana is always acting like I'm about to jump down her throat and I feel like everyone's been looking at me funny since I started my new year's resolution to be more friendly.
Huh. Well, I don't know. You have lots of great qualities.
Spare me the bullshit, Jay.
Ok, there, see? I mean, you're great. But 'nice' might not be your strongest feature. Also, well, since you brought it up?
Go on, I asked.
Well, that little sign you keep on your desk might give people the wrong idea.
This? That's just supposed to be funny! Anyone with a sense of humor would think it was funny.
Right. Of course. But to anyone else, it might come across as a little, maybe, threatening.
Sure, MG. What's up?
Do you think people here think I'm nice?
Nice?
Yeah, nice.
Hm. Why do you ask?
Well, Alana is always acting like I'm about to jump down her throat and I feel like everyone's been looking at me funny since I started my new year's resolution to be more friendly.
Huh. Well, I don't know. You have lots of great qualities.
Spare me the bullshit, Jay.
Ok, there, see? I mean, you're great. But 'nice' might not be your strongest feature. Also, well, since you brought it up?
Go on, I asked.
Well, that little sign you keep on your desk might give people the wrong idea.
This? That's just supposed to be funny! Anyone with a sense of humor would think it was funny.
Right. Of course. But to anyone else, it might come across as a little, maybe, threatening.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Here, MG. If you want to sign this. Everybody else signed it.
What's that, Alana? And hi, happy new year to you.
Happy new year. If you're still celebrating. It's a card for Joanne. I guess you heard.
Alana, I'm not 'still celebrating.' Just being friendly to my coworkers -- a new year's resolution I was toying with. Possibly misplaced. But, heard? What happened?
I thought everybody knew. Maybe you didn't even notice she hasn't been here?
I noticed. I guess I just didn't read too much into it. What happened?
It's really horrible. Especially on vacation, everyone just trying to have a nice time, and then a loss like this, completely unexpected.
Oh, my god. Did she have family over in Asia?
Why would she have family in Asia? No, it was in her own home. You remember that sweater she was wearing, with all the little reindeer noses that lit up?
Um, yeah?
She left it on a chair overnight, and, this is so awful.
Did a niece or nephew get tangled up in it?
Worse. Her cat chewed through the wiring inside it. She found him in the morning, all his poor little fur sticking straight out.
Oh my god! From just a little tiny sweater battery?
She had rigged the whole thing up to her cell phone charger somehow to try and get the lights brighter. I'm not really sure. But the important thing is that she's grieving, and everybody else has signed the card and donated something to get flowers. But if you don't want to...
No, no. Of course I'll sign a card. For donations, though, if we're going to collect money, I was actually thinking of putting together a collection anyway, and all making a donation together to--
Look, if you don't care, you don't have to be a part of this. I just thought it would be a nice gesture to think about someone else for a change.
What's that, Alana? And hi, happy new year to you.
Happy new year. If you're still celebrating. It's a card for Joanne. I guess you heard.
Alana, I'm not 'still celebrating.' Just being friendly to my coworkers -- a new year's resolution I was toying with. Possibly misplaced. But, heard? What happened?
I thought everybody knew. Maybe you didn't even notice she hasn't been here?
I noticed. I guess I just didn't read too much into it. What happened?
It's really horrible. Especially on vacation, everyone just trying to have a nice time, and then a loss like this, completely unexpected.
Oh, my god. Did she have family over in Asia?
Why would she have family in Asia? No, it was in her own home. You remember that sweater she was wearing, with all the little reindeer noses that lit up?
Um, yeah?
She left it on a chair overnight, and, this is so awful.
Did a niece or nephew get tangled up in it?
Worse. Her cat chewed through the wiring inside it. She found him in the morning, all his poor little fur sticking straight out.
Oh my god! From just a little tiny sweater battery?
She had rigged the whole thing up to her cell phone charger somehow to try and get the lights brighter. I'm not really sure. But the important thing is that she's grieving, and everybody else has signed the card and donated something to get flowers. But if you don't want to...
No, no. Of course I'll sign a card. For donations, though, if we're going to collect money, I was actually thinking of putting together a collection anyway, and all making a donation together to--
Look, if you don't care, you don't have to be a part of this. I just thought it would be a nice gesture to think about someone else for a change.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Hey, MG! Happy new year! How was your vacation?
Oh, hi, Jay. If we had known about it more than thirty seconds in advance, I could have made some kind of plans and maybe gone to see my brother and his kids. But there were no flights by then.
So, you stayed home? At least we had a little extra time for shopping.
Yeah, after Christmas. In the middle of the most internationally depressing post-holiday season in recent history. And with suddenly a quarter less money. I hear some places actually give more money at the end of the year, instead of less. We got, like, a negative bonus. A no-nus.
At least it's a novel concept. The nonus. That could catch on.
Yeah, Jay, we're on the cutting edge. New frontiers in employee dissatisfaction over here.
Shh, they'll adopt that as a slogan. Any joy at all during the forced unpaid time off?
Well, I did sleep til noon everyday. And didn't see a single spreadsheet. And not a low-carb Christmas cookie or blinking sweater in sight. So, actually, I guess it was pretty blissful. And there's my phone and so it ends. Later, Jay.
Bye.
Oh, hi, Jay. If we had known about it more than thirty seconds in advance, I could have made some kind of plans and maybe gone to see my brother and his kids. But there were no flights by then.
So, you stayed home? At least we had a little extra time for shopping.
Yeah, after Christmas. In the middle of the most internationally depressing post-holiday season in recent history. And with suddenly a quarter less money. I hear some places actually give more money at the end of the year, instead of less. We got, like, a negative bonus. A no-nus.
At least it's a novel concept. The nonus. That could catch on.
Yeah, Jay, we're on the cutting edge. New frontiers in employee dissatisfaction over here.
Shh, they'll adopt that as a slogan. Any joy at all during the forced unpaid time off?
Well, I did sleep til noon everyday. And didn't see a single spreadsheet. And not a low-carb Christmas cookie or blinking sweater in sight. So, actually, I guess it was pretty blissful. And there's my phone and so it ends. Later, Jay.
Bye.
Isn't there supposed to be heat? Or have they made some kind of New Year's resolution we don't know about?
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