Tuesday, December 30, 2003
i mean, take michael jackson for example. it's-- oh, hold on.
thank you for calling winky shock, how can i help you?
no, sorry, wrong extension. yes, i'm sorry about that, she does seem to transfer quite a few calls to this extension. let me put you through - oh, right, this transfer button doesn't work. if you wouldn't mind, please call the switchboard back, and try speaking a little louder and a little more slowly than you'd think is reasonable. sorry. thank you.
ahhh. sorry. back. receptionist strikes again. sometimes i'd swear she just puts people through at random.
thank you for calling winky shock, how can i help you?
no, sorry, wrong extension. yes, i'm sorry about that, she does seem to transfer quite a few calls to this extension. let me put you through - oh, right, this transfer button doesn't work. if you wouldn't mind, please call the switchboard back, and try speaking a little louder and a little more slowly than you'd think is reasonable. sorry. thank you.
ahhh. sorry. back. receptionist strikes again. sometimes i'd swear she just puts people through at random.
oh, hello. is this still winkyshock?
oh, good. i'm sorry. i called a moment ago and i seem to have gotten disconnected. i was calling for brenda sharpe?
yes, sharpe?
in accounting, s-h-a-r-p-e?
well, i'm sure you put me through a moment ago, and somehow the call got disconnected?
yes, brenda. sharpe. like, sharp, like a pencil is sharp, but with an e on the end. s-h-a-r-p-e. i'm sure you had just, yes, of course, i'll hold.
hello? yes, i'm still here. yes, i was the one looking for brenda sharpe, please. great, thank you!
brenda, is that you? did you change extensions or something? is everything ok with your receptionist? she seems a little, well, anyway. oh, really? goodness, what an unfortunate trait for a receptionist!
oh, good. i'm sorry. i called a moment ago and i seem to have gotten disconnected. i was calling for brenda sharpe?
yes, sharpe?
in accounting, s-h-a-r-p-e?
well, i'm sure you put me through a moment ago, and somehow the call got disconnected?
yes, brenda. sharpe. like, sharp, like a pencil is sharp, but with an e on the end. s-h-a-r-p-e. i'm sure you had just, yes, of course, i'll hold.
hello? yes, i'm still here. yes, i was the one looking for brenda sharpe, please. great, thank you!
brenda, is that you? did you change extensions or something? is everything ok with your receptionist? she seems a little, well, anyway. oh, really? goodness, what an unfortunate trait for a receptionist!
hello? hello, is this winkyshock?
oh, good. ok, good morning. could you please connect me to brenda sharpe?
well, i am fairly sure she works there. she's my sister-in-law, and i believe she's in accounting.
would you mind checking again? i'm sure i've reached her there before.
of course. it's sharpe, s-h-a-r-p-e.
oh, wonderful. thank you. ah - hello? hello?
oh, good. ok, good morning. could you please connect me to brenda sharpe?
well, i am fairly sure she works there. she's my sister-in-law, and i believe she's in accounting.
would you mind checking again? i'm sure i've reached her there before.
of course. it's sharpe, s-h-a-r-p-e.
oh, wonderful. thank you. ah - hello? hello?
hey, i just realized something! it's tuesday, right?
right.
but, you know, since we're off thursday and friday, it's like tomorrow is friday, and so that means today is like thursday.
i guess so.
so that means that even though yesterday was really monday, if today is like thursday, then yesterday was like wednesday. so it's like we had humpday and the first day of the week at the same time, and didn't even realize it!
um, yeah.
and now today is like the second day and the second to last day, both at the same time. weird, huh?
yeah. weird.
right.
but, you know, since we're off thursday and friday, it's like tomorrow is friday, and so that means today is like thursday.
i guess so.
so that means that even though yesterday was really monday, if today is like thursday, then yesterday was like wednesday. so it's like we had humpday and the first day of the week at the same time, and didn't even realize it!
um, yeah.
and now today is like the second day and the second to last day, both at the same time. weird, huh?
yeah. weird.
Monday, December 29, 2003
oh! i thought you left!
i just forgot something. i thought you were staying?
oh, yeah. i was, but right after you walked out the door i got an urgent call from my, girlfriend. she's having a problem with her, cat. so, you know.
oh, yeah. i know.
i just forgot something. i thought you were staying?
oh, yeah. i was, but right after you walked out the door i got an urgent call from my, girlfriend. she's having a problem with her, cat. so, you know.
oh, yeah. i know.
so that's exactly what i'm talking about! he's so frustrating! i'm finally walking out the door and he's all like, oh are you-- ah, crap! i forgot my subway card. i have to hop back in the elevator, but i'll call ya back in a minute, ok?
oh, are you leaving already?
um, yeah. it's after six.
oh, yes, of course. that's fine. you should go. i'm just going to stay and finish up a few things. but, yeah, totally. have a great night!
did you want me to stay and help?
oh, no, no. that's fine. you go on. i can totally handle it on my own.
if you need help--
no, no. really. you shouldn't feel bad, just have a nice night.
i mean, if you need, ah, ok, nevermind. see you in the morning.
um, yeah. it's after six.
oh, yes, of course. that's fine. you should go. i'm just going to stay and finish up a few things. but, yeah, totally. have a great night!
did you want me to stay and help?
oh, no, no. that's fine. you go on. i can totally handle it on my own.
if you need help--
no, no. really. you shouldn't feel bad, just have a nice night.
i mean, if you need, ah, ok, nevermind. see you in the morning.
so i totally wanted to be like, you just can't treat people that way! what is your damage? but instead i was just like, ok, i'll call you tomorr-- can you hold on a sec? thank you for calling winkyshock, how may i help yo-- eek!
sorry, back. it was one of those calls from a fax machine. i've been getting them all day. where was i?
sorry, back. it was one of those calls from a fax machine. i've been getting them all day. where was i?
re: coffee stirrer issue
it seems as good a time as any to clarify that our position as outlined regarding the coffee stations is equally applicable to all freely provided consumables - paper towels, toilet paper, handsoap, and so on. if you think about it, just because something is freely provided to you does not mean that it is free for the company - in fact, quite the opposite - the freer a product is for winkyshock employees, the less free it is for winkyshock, the company. this is a matter we have taken and continue to take quite seriously as we strive to balance maximum employment satisfaction with the deliverance of maximum return for our investors. now let's all enjoy our company-provided supplies judiciously and sparingly, and have a productive day!
it seems as good a time as any to clarify that our position as outlined regarding the coffee stations is equally applicable to all freely provided consumables - paper towels, toilet paper, handsoap, and so on. if you think about it, just because something is freely provided to you does not mean that it is free for the company - in fact, quite the opposite - the freer a product is for winkyshock employees, the less free it is for winkyshock, the company. this is a matter we have taken and continue to take quite seriously as we strive to balance maximum employment satisfaction with the deliverance of maximum return for our investors. now let's all enjoy our company-provided supplies judiciously and sparingly, and have a productive day!
ha, did you just get the coffee stirrer email?
yeah. they'll probably say the same thing applies to toilet paper, next.
nah, i don't think things are that bad around here, yet.
yeah. they'll probably say the same thing applies to toilet paper, next.
nah, i don't think things are that bad around here, yet.
attention all employees:
it has been brought to our attention that there are no coffee stirrers left in the break rooms on three of our four floors. we would like to be very clear about this: the free coffee, cups, sugar, and stirrers that we provide is what we like to think of as one of the "intangible" benefits of being a part of the winkyshock team. we make careful estimates at the beginning of each quarter of how many stirrers will be used per employee per day, and although we are not able to go into specifics, we consider the number we come up with to be very generous, to say the least. therefore, if everyone were playing fair, there would still be an ample supply of coffee stirrers for everyone. therefore, we can only conclude that some person or persons is or are excessivley using - or more appropriately - abusing, the provided coffee stirrer supply. therefore, our response to the requests for coffee stirrers can only be that we've held up our end of the bargain, and now all employees must hold up their own ends. the stirrer supply will be replenished according to the originally determined replenishment schedule, and no sooner. in the meantime, we hope this "tough love" will encourage all employees to work together to find alternate solutions to their challenges, and will encourage teamwork by encouraging employees to start working more like a team.
it has been brought to our attention that there are no coffee stirrers left in the break rooms on three of our four floors. we would like to be very clear about this: the free coffee, cups, sugar, and stirrers that we provide is what we like to think of as one of the "intangible" benefits of being a part of the winkyshock team. we make careful estimates at the beginning of each quarter of how many stirrers will be used per employee per day, and although we are not able to go into specifics, we consider the number we come up with to be very generous, to say the least. therefore, if everyone were playing fair, there would still be an ample supply of coffee stirrers for everyone. therefore, we can only conclude that some person or persons is or are excessivley using - or more appropriately - abusing, the provided coffee stirrer supply. therefore, our response to the requests for coffee stirrers can only be that we've held up our end of the bargain, and now all employees must hold up their own ends. the stirrer supply will be replenished according to the originally determined replenishment schedule, and no sooner. in the meantime, we hope this "tough love" will encourage all employees to work together to find alternate solutions to their challenges, and will encourage teamwork by encouraging employees to start working more like a team.
hey, hey, another monday.
sure is.
two hours down, six to go.
didn't you just get in ten minutes ago?
well, yeah. i mean, two hours down technically.
sure is.
two hours down, six to go.
didn't you just get in ten minutes ago?
well, yeah. i mean, two hours down technically.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
hey! what, did the grinch come and steal your christmas crap?
kinda. h fucking r called me in to point out i was in violation of the employee codes pertaining to appropriate expressions of celebration and spirituality in the workplace. or some bullshit.
ha. how do they even know what's happening outside of their cave?
they said someone filed a complaint! i can't imagine who would even --
nephew-in-chief has been looking pretty smug all day.
of course! and i thought it was just because they let him play his american idol christmas cd in the cafeteria. that goddam bastard. anyway, i tried to tell them that i could hardly be less interested in expressing anything, let alone my spirituality, in the workplace, but they weren't hearing it.
isn't there some thing, like, you're only allowed two spiritually expressive items per holiday?
oh my god! how the hell did you know that? that's exactly the passage they pointed out in their bullet proof copy of the employee handbook.
hmm, that's two "gods" already. i think you're approaching your limit on spiritual expression.
oh, fuck off. how bout that?
kinda. h fucking r called me in to point out i was in violation of the employee codes pertaining to appropriate expressions of celebration and spirituality in the workplace. or some bullshit.
ha. how do they even know what's happening outside of their cave?
they said someone filed a complaint! i can't imagine who would even --
nephew-in-chief has been looking pretty smug all day.
of course! and i thought it was just because they let him play his american idol christmas cd in the cafeteria. that goddam bastard. anyway, i tried to tell them that i could hardly be less interested in expressing anything, let alone my spirituality, in the workplace, but they weren't hearing it.
isn't there some thing, like, you're only allowed two spiritually expressive items per holiday?
oh my god! how the hell did you know that? that's exactly the passage they pointed out in their bullet proof copy of the employee handbook.
hmm, that's two "gods" already. i think you're approaching your limit on spiritual expression.
oh, fuck off. how bout that?
so then they tried to convince us that getting to leave forty-five minutes early was a christmas bonus! can you fucking believe that? coming in christmas eve is more like seven hours and fifteen minutes of forced overti- hold on a sec?
thank you for calling winkyshock. how can i help you?
i'm afraid you have the wrong number. no, there's no one by that name here. unfortunately i can't transfer you, but if you'll call the switchboard back, well, i'm sorry if they transferred you to this number, yes, that is this extension, but i don't know of anyone by that name. no, no, did you check the area code? well, i'm afraid i don't know how i can help you, maybe you should check the number again? i beg your pardon, maybe i should what?
ugh, i'm back. did they empty out the psych wards for christmas?
thank you for calling winkyshock. how can i help you?
i'm afraid you have the wrong number. no, there's no one by that name here. unfortunately i can't transfer you, but if you'll call the switchboard back, well, i'm sorry if they transferred you to this number, yes, that is this extension, but i don't know of anyone by that name. no, no, did you check the area code? well, i'm afraid i don't know how i can help you, maybe you should check the number again? i beg your pardon, maybe i should what?
ugh, i'm back. did they empty out the psych wards for christmas?
attention all employees: in the spirit of the holiday season, and to thank all of you for all your hard work throughout the year, which is very much appreciated, we think you will be excited to hear that the board met over breakfast this morning and decided most generously to allow winkyshock employees to begin their holiday celebration early. so, that means that all departments, at the discretion of individual management team members, may allow all employees who have finished all work and met all deadlines to leave the office at 4:15 today. there was certainly a somewhat lengthy discussion over what the appropriate time frame should be, with some members feeling 4:30 was appropriate and others leaning toward 4:00, so you'll be pleased, i am sure, to hear that over our second cups of coffee, a compromise was at last compromised upon. please enjoy your extra free time, courtesy of your grateful management team at winkyshock. since time is money, consider it a christmas bonus of sorts. use your gift of extra time, perhaps, to count your blessings, including the blessings of employment and emergency medical health insurance. except for exempted employees who have the blessing of making their own insurance coverage choices. let's all come back on monday refreshed by the joys of the season, and ready to get back to work.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
thank you, come in, please, have a seat.
um, hi.
oh, no, not there - our legal repre-- harry will be sitting there.
'k.
so, how is everything going in your department?
fine, mostly. fine.
great, great. we always like to hear that. great. oh, harry, good.
hi, harry westerman. good to meet you. i'll just be sitting here.
ok.
so, well. i'm sure you have some idea of what we're meeting here today to talk about.
afraid i don't.
oh. well. i see. well. i don't suppose you brought along a copy of your employee handbook?
afraid i didn't.
well, that's not a problem. here's the laminated reference copy we keep here. if you wouldn't mind opening it to section 32-14?
um, appropriate employee workplace expressions comma holiday slash special occasion?
yes, yes. exactly. i'm sure that makes things a little clearer for you now.
well, no, not really.
well, ok, if you'll take a look at the section we've indicated...
"no more than two...?"
yes, yes, right there. exactly. so you can see our concern. and while we at winkyshock certainly place a high priority on valuing and nurturing, celebrating, really, our employees' complete growth, including spiritual, you can see that if we were to allow the type of display that you've chosen, we'd really be in a bind. and since there were several complaints officially filed, we reacted swiftly to the violation you incurred.
oh, gosh. this is a total misunderstanding. i didn't --
well. i don't see how there could be a "misunderstanding" about a dozen reindeer arched over your cubicle. you can see them from everywhere in the office! and let me see here, assorted christmas tunes, audible all the way from cubicle 6-- oh, i obviously can't reveal which cubicle, i mean employee, filed the complaint.
no, no, i didn't, i mean, they're--
yes. well. if you can have all of that removed by tomorrow morning, this will be no more than a blot on your record. speaking of which, someone also noted what looked like a chocolate sauce stain on a report you handed in? not the level of professionalism we strive for here. we like for our reports to be without food stains on them, as a general guideline.
um, hi.
oh, no, not there - our legal repre-- harry will be sitting there.
'k.
so, how is everything going in your department?
fine, mostly. fine.
great, great. we always like to hear that. great. oh, harry, good.
hi, harry westerman. good to meet you. i'll just be sitting here.
ok.
so, well. i'm sure you have some idea of what we're meeting here today to talk about.
afraid i don't.
oh. well. i see. well. i don't suppose you brought along a copy of your employee handbook?
afraid i didn't.
well, that's not a problem. here's the laminated reference copy we keep here. if you wouldn't mind opening it to section 32-14?
um, appropriate employee workplace expressions comma holiday slash special occasion?
yes, yes. exactly. i'm sure that makes things a little clearer for you now.
well, no, not really.
well, ok, if you'll take a look at the section we've indicated...
"no more than two...?"
yes, yes, right there. exactly. so you can see our concern. and while we at winkyshock certainly place a high priority on valuing and nurturing, celebrating, really, our employees' complete growth, including spiritual, you can see that if we were to allow the type of display that you've chosen, we'd really be in a bind. and since there were several complaints officially filed, we reacted swiftly to the violation you incurred.
oh, gosh. this is a total misunderstanding. i didn't --
well. i don't see how there could be a "misunderstanding" about a dozen reindeer arched over your cubicle. you can see them from everywhere in the office! and let me see here, assorted christmas tunes, audible all the way from cubicle 6-- oh, i obviously can't reveal which cubicle, i mean employee, filed the complaint.
no, no, i didn't, i mean, they're--
yes. well. if you can have all of that removed by tomorrow morning, this will be no more than a blot on your record. speaking of which, someone also noted what looked like a chocolate sauce stain on a report you handed in? not the level of professionalism we strive for here. we like for our reports to be without food stains on them, as a general guideline.
hey, did you get one of these memos from hr?
no, what memos?
i don't know. it looks weird. it was on my chair after lunch.
surprised you could find it with all the christmas crap in here.
could you please not remind me? anyway, wonder what this thing's about?
a raise, maybe? a bonus?
hmm. maybe. would be just like them to make that sound threatening. we'll see.
no, what memos?
i don't know. it looks weird. it was on my chair after lunch.
surprised you could find it with all the christmas crap in here.
could you please not remind me? anyway, wonder what this thing's about?
a raise, maybe? a bonus?
hmm. maybe. would be just like them to make that sound threatening. we'll see.
please report to human resources at 4:00 today to discuss a personnel-related issue that has recently been brought to our attention. failure to do so will be construed and recorded as insubordinance and will be dealt with very seriously.
your cooperation is appreciated.
your cooperation is appreciated.
Monday, December 22, 2003
jesus christ, what happened in here? was that the boss' nephew just hanging out?
don't ask, and yes.
was he limping?
again, don't ask, and yes.
don't ask, and yes.
was he limping?
again, don't ask, and yes.
hey! wow! look at all this! this is great!
oh, hi.
did you do all this yourself? rad! oh! watch this! this thing plays a little song every time i go past. cool! it works if i just wave my hand in front of it!
yes. yes it does.
ha! if you keep waving in front of it, it starts playing one song, then cuts off and starts the next one, and the next one! ha ha ha, look, it's back to rudolph again! i love that one. mm mm games - like mo-no-po-ly!
yep. that's a classic.
hey, whatsamatter? you seem down! i know! you must not have had any of christine's brownies! they're incredible! triple mocha chocolate espresso chip, with a reese's peanut butter cup baked into the top of each one. she even left a paper cup of chocolate sauce to dip them in. awesome! da da da been bad or good so be good for ha ha ha!
yeah. that sounds good.
psych! i had the last one! oh, shit, sorry! i dropped the last bite on your desk! lemme wipe that -
you know what? that's fine. that's totally fine. if you could just. please.
hey, alright, ok! whoa! someone doesn't exactly have the christmas spirit! maybe you should spend a little more time on santa's lap, if ya know what i - ow!
oh, hi.
did you do all this yourself? rad! oh! watch this! this thing plays a little song every time i go past. cool! it works if i just wave my hand in front of it!
yes. yes it does.
ha! if you keep waving in front of it, it starts playing one song, then cuts off and starts the next one, and the next one! ha ha ha, look, it's back to rudolph again! i love that one. mm mm games - like mo-no-po-ly!
yep. that's a classic.
hey, whatsamatter? you seem down! i know! you must not have had any of christine's brownies! they're incredible! triple mocha chocolate espresso chip, with a reese's peanut butter cup baked into the top of each one. she even left a paper cup of chocolate sauce to dip them in. awesome! da da da been bad or good so be good for ha ha ha!
yeah. that sounds good.
psych! i had the last one! oh, shit, sorry! i dropped the last bite on your desk! lemme wipe that -
you know what? that's fine. that's totally fine. if you could just. please.
hey, alright, ok! whoa! someone doesn't exactly have the christmas spirit! maybe you should spend a little more time on santa's lap, if ya know what i - ow!
whoa! what the hell happened here?
i know. i was visited by santa's little fucking helper.
who? you mean --
yeah. who else? she actually called herself "the ghooost of chrissstmass present - get it? present? like gift?"
good lord, she didn't.
yeah. more like the ghost of christmas unmedicated.
wow. she sure did a number here. can you shut off those little spinning elves?
nope. they're solar powered. or fluorescent powered, i guess.
and does that thing chime every time someone walks by?
every fucking time.
god. that should be illegal. why didn't you stop her?
i went to lunch, and when i came back, this.
unreal. hey, aren't you jewish, anyway?
yep.
i know. i was visited by santa's little fucking helper.
who? you mean --
yeah. who else? she actually called herself "the ghooost of chrissstmass present - get it? present? like gift?"
good lord, she didn't.
yeah. more like the ghost of christmas unmedicated.
wow. she sure did a number here. can you shut off those little spinning elves?
nope. they're solar powered. or fluorescent powered, i guess.
and does that thing chime every time someone walks by?
every fucking time.
god. that should be illegal. why didn't you stop her?
i went to lunch, and when i came back, this.
unreal. hey, aren't you jewish, anyway?
yep.
jingle, jingle! i don't see much of the christmas spirit here in this cubicle!
well, i put up these cards that i got. see, here's one from elrod office suppliers, and another one from, let's see, "the whole crew" at the copier maintenance outsourcing center.
well, i don't see any garlands! any ornaments! look, i wore my special red and green sweater with the puffy sheep! isn't it precious? i just love how each sheep is wearing its own little santa hat.
yeah, that is certainly special.
well, you still have two days to make it a little more ho-ho-holiday in here! know what? since it is so late, i'll bring you some leftover decorations from my cubicle. i couldn't find a spot for all of them! i think the popsicle stick reindeer would be just adorable here around your monitor. and a little tinsel works magic anywhere!
i don't really think i -
don't mention it! the christmas season is all about giving! be back in a jif with some emergency christmas cheer! jingle, jingle!
um, jingle, jingle. i guess.
well, i put up these cards that i got. see, here's one from elrod office suppliers, and another one from, let's see, "the whole crew" at the copier maintenance outsourcing center.
well, i don't see any garlands! any ornaments! look, i wore my special red and green sweater with the puffy sheep! isn't it precious? i just love how each sheep is wearing its own little santa hat.
yeah, that is certainly special.
well, you still have two days to make it a little more ho-ho-holiday in here! know what? since it is so late, i'll bring you some leftover decorations from my cubicle. i couldn't find a spot for all of them! i think the popsicle stick reindeer would be just adorable here around your monitor. and a little tinsel works magic anywhere!
i don't really think i -
don't mention it! the christmas season is all about giving! be back in a jif with some emergency christmas cheer! jingle, jingle!
um, jingle, jingle. i guess.
Friday, December 19, 2003
are you ok, i'm surprised you're still at your desk. almost five on a friday, man.
yeah, just, recovering. had a holiday lunch, if you know what i mean.
yeah, i think i hear ya. well, get home safe. see you monday.
oh, i'm actually taking monday off to go christmas shopping.
yeah, lotta people doing that this year.
i woulda gone today at lunch but you know. i was drinking.
hear ya, buddy. take it easy. have a good one.
yeah, just, recovering. had a holiday lunch, if you know what i mean.
yeah, i think i hear ya. well, get home safe. see you monday.
oh, i'm actually taking monday off to go christmas shopping.
yeah, lotta people doing that this year.
i woulda gone today at lunch but you know. i was drinking.
hear ya, buddy. take it easy. have a good one.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
oh, hey! working kinda late, aren't you?
oh, um, yeah, just finishing up some, um, work.
really? well, aren't you the dedicated employee. nice to see someone working so hard, staying til almost everyone is gone. what kinda work are you finishing up, anyway?
oh, just going over some, you know, reports.
reports, eh?
yeah, you know.
the kind of reports where you have to go rummaging in other cubicles' drawers after people leave?
wha? of course not! i happen to work very closely with jolene and we have an absolute understanding about accessing each other's resources whenever we need to. i'm just, say, what are you doing here so late, anyway?
me? oh. i'm just, you know. going over some, charts. anyway, well, good running into you! we don't really get a chance to chat enough, during, you know, the day.
now hold on! just what are you doing here? didn't they transfer you a week ago? i thought you were in the downtown office now. are you even authorized to be in the building?
sure, sure. relax! i'm just doing some follow-up. you know how they get. that whole escorting you out of the building thing is just for show. i'm totally kosher, being here and all. so, like i said, we should catch up sometime. ah, look. still got the same angry cleaning lady. where the hell's she from, anyway? russia? gotta run now, but, you know. have a good one!
oh, um, yeah, just finishing up some, um, work.
really? well, aren't you the dedicated employee. nice to see someone working so hard, staying til almost everyone is gone. what kinda work are you finishing up, anyway?
oh, just going over some, you know, reports.
reports, eh?
yeah, you know.
the kind of reports where you have to go rummaging in other cubicles' drawers after people leave?
wha? of course not! i happen to work very closely with jolene and we have an absolute understanding about accessing each other's resources whenever we need to. i'm just, say, what are you doing here so late, anyway?
me? oh. i'm just, you know. going over some, charts. anyway, well, good running into you! we don't really get a chance to chat enough, during, you know, the day.
now hold on! just what are you doing here? didn't they transfer you a week ago? i thought you were in the downtown office now. are you even authorized to be in the building?
sure, sure. relax! i'm just doing some follow-up. you know how they get. that whole escorting you out of the building thing is just for show. i'm totally kosher, being here and all. so, like i said, we should catch up sometime. ah, look. still got the same angry cleaning lady. where the hell's she from, anyway? russia? gotta run now, but, you know. have a good one!
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
so i told him, i'm like, you know, it's that time of year where you just have to throw all your sticks up in the air and see what -- can you hold on a sec?
hello, thank you for calling winkyshock? oh, no, i'm afraid i can't help you with that, let me give you the name of the pers-- no, i'm sorry, that's not my area, but i'd be happy to give you the name and number of-- no, you see, i actually don't even work with that department at all, but if you'll wait just a moment i'd be happy to give you the-- yes, exactly. no, unfortunately the way the phones are set up, i am not able to transfer you, but let me give you the-- no, no, i'm afraid i can't transfer you. ok, i can try. are you still there? that's what i was afraid of, it doesn't work from here. yes, there is a button marked transfer on the phone, pressing it is in fact ineffectual. so if you have a pen ready, i can go ahead and give you that-- sir, nothing would make me happier than to transfer you, but it is simply not physically possible from this phone. ok, here's the number-- i, look, the transfer button does not work. i am really not sure what it is that you'd like me to do.
hello, thank you for calling winkyshock? oh, no, i'm afraid i can't help you with that, let me give you the name of the pers-- no, i'm sorry, that's not my area, but i'd be happy to give you the name and number of-- no, you see, i actually don't even work with that department at all, but if you'll wait just a moment i'd be happy to give you the-- yes, exactly. no, unfortunately the way the phones are set up, i am not able to transfer you, but let me give you the-- no, no, i'm afraid i can't transfer you. ok, i can try. are you still there? that's what i was afraid of, it doesn't work from here. yes, there is a button marked transfer on the phone, pressing it is in fact ineffectual. so if you have a pen ready, i can go ahead and give you that-- sir, nothing would make me happier than to transfer you, but it is simply not physically possible from this phone. ok, here's the number-- i, look, the transfer button does not work. i am really not sure what it is that you'd like me to do.
here' a little activity that's sure to be the most fun you've had since you found that number you could call that would make your own phone ring after you dialed it and hung up, or since you first googled your own name and saw what other losers have the same name as you:
ready?
enter your phone number into google, without the area code.
that's it.
one satisfied tryer's number is shared by a uk cell-phone rental service, a used car dealership in aichi prefecture, japan, and the parrot jungle ed-venture camp in miami, f-l-a.
see? fun, right?
ready?
enter your phone number into google, without the area code.
that's it.
one satisfied tryer's number is shared by a uk cell-phone rental service, a used car dealership in aichi prefecture, japan, and the parrot jungle ed-venture camp in miami, f-l-a.
see? fun, right?
Friday, December 05, 2003
hey, didja see it's snowing out? yeah, snow! i wonder how much we'll get? yeah. guess we'll be getting one of those dumb announcements soon about like not slipping on the stairs or something. guess so.
well, don't get too cold! have a good one.
well, don't get too cold! have a good one.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
hey, did we get a new intern? the what? boss' nephew? are you serious? actually, guess that explains it. he doesn't look 34 -- he sure doesn't act 34. did you see he stapled that entire stack of memos at the bottom of the page? nice ass, though.
dude, is that scooby-doo? i love that show! ruh-roh! roo? ha ha ha. that shit cracks me up. mind if i sit down? you're having cup ramen, too? awesome! oh, look at that! ha ha ha. ruh-roh! ruh-roh!
some things apparently do need to be reiterated, so let's all take a moment, shall we, to review the employee handbook's policy on speaking with members of the press. the media. in case you for some reason do not have a copy of your handbook immediately accessible, you will find a photocopy of the relevant sections photocopied and attached. to summarize, do not talk to the media. about anything related to this company, or anything. do not have drinks with the media. for godsake, don't marry anyone involved with the media. in fact, we would prefer it if you kept your media consumption to a minimum - no newspapers at your desks, and preferably not at your homes. you'll note that for your protection and productivity, news sites have been blocked on your computers. the tv in the conference room has been locked on the cartoon channel. ignorance is bliss, and we at winky shock value nothing more highly than happy employees.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
can you believe the way they pulled that shit at the meeting? i know. they didn't even serve doughnuts. some nerve. well, have a good one.
first off, thanks to everyone for attending the mandatory off-site meeting this morning at the auditorium our sister corporation so generously made available. obviously, we had reached a point as a company where some announcements needed to be made and they were in fact announced, as you no doubt, became aware at the announcement meeting. which was, of course, this morning. second off, as pertains to the announcements that were made, you will know if you were one of the people about which reference was indicated if when you get back to your desk you find a cardboard box in place of your chair. if this instance should occur, then it would be appropriate to follow the procedures as outlined in today's meeting's powerpoint presentation's slides, and as per delineated in the hand-out that was handed out at the door. i look forward to and appreciate in advance your cooperation in this and all matters. also, i'd like to take this opportunity to once again thank those who will no longer be part of the winky shock team. you can thank us back by not putting up any kind of resistance to the escorts who will assist you in carrying your box out of the building. by not putting up a fuss, you'll also be thanking yourselves.
those of you who will be getting back to work, get back to work.
those of you who will be getting back to work, get back to work.
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