Friday, May 28, 2004
well. enjoying your last cup?
don't be like that - this affects all of us, alana. you drink coffee, too!
not anymore. joanne was right. it's not good for you. so i gave it up. you really should, too, you know.
i'll, uh, consider that. but probably not.
i don't know why you even care. you'll probably find something stronger, anyway.
stronger? what do you mean?
oh, nothing.
don't be like that - this affects all of us, alana. you drink coffee, too!
not anymore. joanne was right. it's not good for you. so i gave it up. you really should, too, you know.
i'll, uh, consider that. but probably not.
i don't know why you even care. you'll probably find something stronger, anyway.
stronger? what do you mean?
oh, nothing.
what? what? what the f--
easy there, killer. what's the matter?
the matter? are you fucking joking? did you read your email?
oh, no. i don't get incoming emails.
the matter is that big brother winkyshock has decided to take away the one -- the one -- decent thing about having to come here and make spreadsheets and photocopies and pretend to care about people's weekends. don't they know that coffee is the only thing that makes any of that possible? and now they want to take it away? for our 'own good!' is that even legal? what's next? make us--
whoa, take away coffee?
yes! that's what it said!
wow.
why aren't you more upset?
ah, it'll never stick. remember when they said we couldn't listen to music at our desks?
oh, yeah, vaguely.
well, the woman next to me listens to the same celine dion song over and over again every single morning.
ouch.
yeah. and they haven't come to drag her away yet. unfortunately. so there's no way they could enforce what you're drinking.
i guess, maybe not. but it's so insane! this is what happens when you mix a busybody crusader with a soulless corporation. i mean, offee coffee? was that generated by a computer, for god's sake??
c'mon, you're making that up. offee coffee? is that what they're calling it? that's gotta be the silliest thing i've ever heard! all you can really do is laugh, you know?
i guess.
and maybe pour your coffee into a different container for a few days til it blows over and they think of some other way to improve our lives.
yeah. i guess. hey, wait a sec, did you say you don't get incoming emails?
yeah, something's messed up with the settings. my account filters out, well, basically, everything.
do you think maybe you should, maybe, get that checked out?
yeah, i guess. i don't know. it's kind of peaceful this way.
easy there, killer. what's the matter?
the matter? are you fucking joking? did you read your email?
oh, no. i don't get incoming emails.
the matter is that big brother winkyshock has decided to take away the one -- the one -- decent thing about having to come here and make spreadsheets and photocopies and pretend to care about people's weekends. don't they know that coffee is the only thing that makes any of that possible? and now they want to take it away? for our 'own good!' is that even legal? what's next? make us--
whoa, take away coffee?
yes! that's what it said!
wow.
why aren't you more upset?
ah, it'll never stick. remember when they said we couldn't listen to music at our desks?
oh, yeah, vaguely.
well, the woman next to me listens to the same celine dion song over and over again every single morning.
ouch.
yeah. and they haven't come to drag her away yet. unfortunately. so there's no way they could enforce what you're drinking.
i guess, maybe not. but it's so insane! this is what happens when you mix a busybody crusader with a soulless corporation. i mean, offee coffee? was that generated by a computer, for god's sake??
c'mon, you're making that up. offee coffee? is that what they're calling it? that's gotta be the silliest thing i've ever heard! all you can really do is laugh, you know?
i guess.
and maybe pour your coffee into a different container for a few days til it blows over and they think of some other way to improve our lives.
yeah. i guess. hey, wait a sec, did you say you don't get incoming emails?
yeah, something's messed up with the settings. my account filters out, well, basically, everything.
do you think maybe you should, maybe, get that checked out?
yeah, i guess. i don't know. it's kind of peaceful this way.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
attention all employees:
one of the ways we here at winkyshock aim to help you help yourselves is by implementing suggestions made by you and for you. we have recently received a wellness solution whose adoption we have decided to implement. the initiative, effective next monday, is called, "offee coffee." we have decided to help you all in breaking your dependence on coffee by making this a caffeine-free work place. a caffeine-free office will benefit drinkers and non-drinkers alike, creating a cleaner, healthier environment for all of us. caffeinated beverages will be removed from pantries on monday, and will not be permitted in workspaces. going forward, since it will be standard policy to discourage their use, caffeinated products must be consumed - if in fact you must insist harming yourself and those around you - off premises. remember, caffeine doesn't just hurt coffee drinkers, it hurts non-coffee-drinkers who are exposed to them, too.
in order to more effectively leverage the capital resources that we have invested in the new coffee machines, cup noodles will be provided in pantries on a trial basis.
we are confident that this initiative will lead to a healthier, happier, more productive and better balanced winkyshock for all of us. please continue to send your suggestions to management if you have other ideas for the continued improvement of your company. like the initiator of "offee coffee," all initiators whose ideas are adopted will receive a bonus.
thank you, and please get back to work - caffeine free, and free from caffeine!
one of the ways we here at winkyshock aim to help you help yourselves is by implementing suggestions made by you and for you. we have recently received a wellness solution whose adoption we have decided to implement. the initiative, effective next monday, is called, "offee coffee." we have decided to help you all in breaking your dependence on coffee by making this a caffeine-free work place. a caffeine-free office will benefit drinkers and non-drinkers alike, creating a cleaner, healthier environment for all of us. caffeinated beverages will be removed from pantries on monday, and will not be permitted in workspaces. going forward, since it will be standard policy to discourage their use, caffeinated products must be consumed - if in fact you must insist harming yourself and those around you - off premises. remember, caffeine doesn't just hurt coffee drinkers, it hurts non-coffee-drinkers who are exposed to them, too.
in order to more effectively leverage the capital resources that we have invested in the new coffee machines, cup noodles will be provided in pantries on a trial basis.
we are confident that this initiative will lead to a healthier, happier, more productive and better balanced winkyshock for all of us. please continue to send your suggestions to management if you have other ideas for the continued improvement of your company. like the initiator of "offee coffee," all initiators whose ideas are adopted will receive a bonus.
thank you, and please get back to work - caffeine free, and free from caffeine!
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
oh, alana, i'm so glad to see you're taking my advice.
i never liked coffee that much anyway. they say it's not good for you.
good girl. i only wish everyone would listen. do you know i saw those two coming in again this morning with big coffee cups? and then, again after lunch? drinking themselves to an early grave, that's what.
well, with them, between us, i wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the only thing they were drinking.
now, do tell?
well, i happen to know for a fact that she left work early one day to go drinking! and i used to think that he was better, but i think she's a bad influence on him.
well, she certainly wasn't overly sympathetic when i told her about how i discovered what very well could have been anthrax. maybe that's why, maybe she was drunk! some very nice people can be mean drunks.
i don't think she's ever very nice. she was the same to me when i thought i might have been exposed, too. allergies, she said to me!
just between you and i, i heard that they might have some idea of what the powder was after all. i heard that they're trying to keep it quiet. oh, but it's too awful to even say and i don't want to gossip.
really? because they told me it was just plaster dust, so--
i hear it might have been drugs!
drugs! at the office? do they have any idea whose it was?
nobody said anything so far. not to me, anyway. i asked myself, i said, who could even be involved in something like that? it can't be true. but i think with what you told me we certainly have a few ideas, don't we?
we sure do.
i never liked coffee that much anyway. they say it's not good for you.
good girl. i only wish everyone would listen. do you know i saw those two coming in again this morning with big coffee cups? and then, again after lunch? drinking themselves to an early grave, that's what.
well, with them, between us, i wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't the only thing they were drinking.
now, do tell?
well, i happen to know for a fact that she left work early one day to go drinking! and i used to think that he was better, but i think she's a bad influence on him.
well, she certainly wasn't overly sympathetic when i told her about how i discovered what very well could have been anthrax. maybe that's why, maybe she was drunk! some very nice people can be mean drunks.
i don't think she's ever very nice. she was the same to me when i thought i might have been exposed, too. allergies, she said to me!
just between you and i, i heard that they might have some idea of what the powder was after all. i heard that they're trying to keep it quiet. oh, but it's too awful to even say and i don't want to gossip.
really? because they told me it was just plaster dust, so--
i hear it might have been drugs!
drugs! at the office? do they have any idea whose it was?
nobody said anything so far. not to me, anyway. i asked myself, i said, who could even be involved in something like that? it can't be true. but i think with what you told me we certainly have a few ideas, don't we?
we sure do.
where are you going?
out to lunch.
like that?
yeah, i was planning to, why? i was just going to go read my book in the park. what's with the sudden interest?
it's just that, it's pouring out.
can't be! it was beautiful when i came in!
sure, three hours ago. raining, now.
how do you know?
saw it online.
out to lunch.
like that?
yeah, i was planning to, why? i was just going to go read my book in the park. what's with the sudden interest?
it's just that, it's pouring out.
can't be! it was beautiful when i came in!
sure, three hours ago. raining, now.
how do you know?
saw it online.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
hey, i have wings!
oh. is it wingday again?
no! are you, like, obsessed with wingday? you always think it's wingday.
well. you said you had wings...
i mean, i have wiiiiings! i'm drinking red bull.
oh. why?
joanne said i should stop drinking coffee. she said the caffeine is bad for you.
roger, red bull has caffeine.
no it doesn't.
yes, it does. and guarana. and a ton of sugar. why do you think it gives you wi-i-ngs?
no, it's because it has taurine. it's an extract from a bull, so it's natural energy.
taurine is not from bulls, roger. it's like an amino acid. why would bull extract give you energy, anyway?
because, bulls are powerful. and i know it's from a bull. you probably don't realize it, but taurine is another word for a bull. didn't you ever hear of taurus, the sign? do you know what animal that is?
yes.
it's a bull! i bet you didn't know that. anyway, nina was drinking them on my uncle's boat this weekend, and she stayed up until like five in the morning, so i know it works.
nina was on your uncle's boat? i thought she was away on vacation?
oh. yeah. right. i mean, she wasn't on my uncle's boat. it's... opposite day now.
oh. is it wingday again?
no! are you, like, obsessed with wingday? you always think it's wingday.
well. you said you had wings...
i mean, i have wiiiiings! i'm drinking red bull.
oh. why?
joanne said i should stop drinking coffee. she said the caffeine is bad for you.
roger, red bull has caffeine.
no it doesn't.
yes, it does. and guarana. and a ton of sugar. why do you think it gives you wi-i-ngs?
no, it's because it has taurine. it's an extract from a bull, so it's natural energy.
taurine is not from bulls, roger. it's like an amino acid. why would bull extract give you energy, anyway?
because, bulls are powerful. and i know it's from a bull. you probably don't realize it, but taurine is another word for a bull. didn't you ever hear of taurus, the sign? do you know what animal that is?
yes.
it's a bull! i bet you didn't know that. anyway, nina was drinking them on my uncle's boat this weekend, and she stayed up until like five in the morning, so i know it works.
nina was on your uncle's boat? i thought she was away on vacation?
oh. yeah. right. i mean, she wasn't on my uncle's boat. it's... opposite day now.
hey, going on a starbucks run. need anything?
you know i do. get me a regular venti.
you want a large? isn't that a lot for you?
no, a venti. isn't that a medium? i think a tall is a large.
no, a tall is definitely a small. but, yeah, actually i don't remember if a venti is the really big one or the ridiculously big one.
well, either way, just get me the middle sized one, ok?
sure. joanne, need anything?
coffee?
yep.
you're drinking coffee?
yes. yes we are. would you like some?
i'm surprised at you kids! i, personally, am off coffee. i wasn't going to bring it up, i was going to keep my personal habits personal, but i decided, why shouldn't i take a stand.
ok, so no, then?
no indeed! i realized, coffee is the problem! i stopped. i went cold turkey. last week. after that anthrax scare, i was strung so tight, i couldn't relax, and i kept drinking coffee, then i said to myself, i said, maybe the coffee's actually making it worse. so i thought, why not try to stop drinking it? and when i realized i couldn't bear to be without my morning cup, that's when i realized, i needed to let it go.
oh, ok. so a regular for me and a venti-whatever for you, and nothing for you, then. be right back.
now wait, wait just a minute, you two. i'm not saying it was easy. that week, i wouldn't go through it again for all the rice in china. luckily i was already on bed rest so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. but i feel a hundred times better now, my head is clearer, i wake up feeling brighter. everyday i think, do i want some coffee? and then i think, no! in fact, everyone should think no. i said to myself, how can i help everyone to have the freedom and energy that i have now? and i realized. that's why i did everyone the favor of throwing out everything here but the decaf.
you threw it away?
you threw the coffee away?
it wasn't good, but it was free!
well, exactly. and that's the problem. i knew that once the supply was cut off, it would be easier for all of you to make a clean break. and now? you're sneaking out to starbucks! and it just breaks my heart, because i've been there. i've been where you are. well, i guess you kids will just have to learn your lesson the hard way.
you know i do. get me a regular venti.
you want a large? isn't that a lot for you?
no, a venti. isn't that a medium? i think a tall is a large.
no, a tall is definitely a small. but, yeah, actually i don't remember if a venti is the really big one or the ridiculously big one.
well, either way, just get me the middle sized one, ok?
sure. joanne, need anything?
coffee?
yep.
you're drinking coffee?
yes. yes we are. would you like some?
i'm surprised at you kids! i, personally, am off coffee. i wasn't going to bring it up, i was going to keep my personal habits personal, but i decided, why shouldn't i take a stand.
ok, so no, then?
no indeed! i realized, coffee is the problem! i stopped. i went cold turkey. last week. after that anthrax scare, i was strung so tight, i couldn't relax, and i kept drinking coffee, then i said to myself, i said, maybe the coffee's actually making it worse. so i thought, why not try to stop drinking it? and when i realized i couldn't bear to be without my morning cup, that's when i realized, i needed to let it go.
oh, ok. so a regular for me and a venti-whatever for you, and nothing for you, then. be right back.
now wait, wait just a minute, you two. i'm not saying it was easy. that week, i wouldn't go through it again for all the rice in china. luckily i was already on bed rest so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. but i feel a hundred times better now, my head is clearer, i wake up feeling brighter. everyday i think, do i want some coffee? and then i think, no! in fact, everyone should think no. i said to myself, how can i help everyone to have the freedom and energy that i have now? and i realized. that's why i did everyone the favor of throwing out everything here but the decaf.
you threw it away?
you threw the coffee away?
it wasn't good, but it was free!
well, exactly. and that's the problem. i knew that once the supply was cut off, it would be easier for all of you to make a clean break. and now? you're sneaking out to starbucks! and it just breaks my heart, because i've been there. i've been where you are. well, i guess you kids will just have to learn your lesson the hard way.
Monday, May 24, 2004
what is this?
well, well, good morning to you, too. what's what?
where's all the coffee? all the k-cups are gone.
isn't that a full box right there?
that's not coffee.
sure it is, look, it says right on the little foil lid - mountain grown european blend dark french roast... oh. decaf.
see? not coffee.
nope, not coffee at all.
well, well, good morning to you, too. what's what?
where's all the coffee? all the k-cups are gone.
isn't that a full box right there?
that's not coffee.
sure it is, look, it says right on the little foil lid - mountain grown european blend dark french roast... oh. decaf.
see? not coffee.
nope, not coffee at all.
Friday, May 21, 2004
psst! uessgay what!
what?
oubletray omebodysay's in!
i thought it was backwards day, not pig latin day?
now it's both! we got bored. i mean, ownay it'sway othbay! i mean othbay it'sway owna--
for godsake, ogeray. who's in trouble?
ancay i only answerway ifway atinlay igpay eakspay ouyay--
evermindnay. i don't give an uckfay. go away.
wait, what? what does that make? waygoa? what?
what?
oubletray omebodysay's in!
i thought it was backwards day, not pig latin day?
now it's both! we got bored. i mean, ownay it'sway othbay! i mean othbay it'sway owna--
for godsake, ogeray. who's in trouble?
ancay i only answerway ifway atinlay igpay eakspay ouyay--
evermindnay. i don't give an uckfay. go away.
wait, what? what does that make? waygoa? what?
hey! know what today is?
um, maybe, wingday?
no! why would it be wingday? last friday was wingday.
oh. right. sorry.
so guess what is today?
i couldn't.
c'mon, hint here is a.
huh?
you give i hint a.
is it, brain damage day?
no! it's backwards day! i mean, day backwards!
like, where you talk backwards, roger?
yeah!
but, you're not even talking backwards. you're just mixing words up. like yoda.
well, practicing i'm still--
roger, tell me again how you got this job?
uncle my boss is the!
ah, yes. something knew there was.
um, maybe, wingday?
no! why would it be wingday? last friday was wingday.
oh. right. sorry.
so guess what is today?
i couldn't.
c'mon, hint here is a.
huh?
you give i hint a.
is it, brain damage day?
no! it's backwards day! i mean, day backwards!
like, where you talk backwards, roger?
yeah!
but, you're not even talking backwards. you're just mixing words up. like yoda.
well, practicing i'm still--
roger, tell me again how you got this job?
uncle my boss is the!
ah, yes. something knew there was.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
hey, i'm putting in an order for new office supplies. do you need anything?
oh! yes! vin! i do. please. thank you.
well, somebody's all excited about office supplies. what do you need, honey?
pens. a pack of blue gel pens, please.
oh, i can't order any more pens. i just got a dozen boxes last time. we have to wait til those are used up.
yeah, but i think there was some kind of mistake. those were all grey.
yes! don't you just love them? i was thinking, black pens are too depressing, you know? and you only need a few red ones. so i thought grey would be kind of, you know, soothing.
i see. but blue, vin. what would be wrong with blue?
i don't know. it just seemed too... blue. do you know what i mean? isn't the grey pretty, though?
oh! yes! vin! i do. please. thank you.
well, somebody's all excited about office supplies. what do you need, honey?
pens. a pack of blue gel pens, please.
oh, i can't order any more pens. i just got a dozen boxes last time. we have to wait til those are used up.
yeah, but i think there was some kind of mistake. those were all grey.
yes! don't you just love them? i was thinking, black pens are too depressing, you know? and you only need a few red ones. so i thought grey would be kind of, you know, soothing.
i see. but blue, vin. what would be wrong with blue?
i don't know. it just seemed too... blue. do you know what i mean? isn't the grey pretty, though?
whoa, easy there slugger! i don't think your little coffee mug was made to be slammed around like that.
i didn't slam it. i just put it down.
very, very hard. what's bugging you on such a pretty thursday?
can i show you something?
sure.
come to my cubicle with me.
uh-oh, that's just the kind of talk that's got alana telling tales about us.
alana can just-- come here. here. look at this. have you ever seen anything like this?
umm, yes. it looks like... a pen. people use them for writing. one of the things that distinguishes us, incidentally, from lower forms of--
yeah, you're fucking hilarious. write with it.
ok, well, it, huh. it doesn't really work. that can be frustrating, but I'm sure--
oh, it works. hold up the paper, look at it carefully.
hm, it did write. but very light.
yeah. exactly. you know why? because it's a grey pen. it writes with light grey ink. i asked for a box of blue pens, and i got three light grey pens! why would anyone even make light grey pens, let alone buy them for an office?
i don't know. for writing valentines on pink paper? for writing on yellow legal pads?
our legal pads here are white, in case you didn't notice. all our paper is white. which is very similar, in case you didn't notice, to light grey!
ok, ok. point taken. anyway, why didn't you just go get the pens yourself?
can't. someone appointed alana supply queen and she said she has to get everything for us now.
that's funny. she gave me the key earlier to get some post-it notes. which we're out of, by the way.
what color do you think is best for writing death threats?
i didn't slam it. i just put it down.
very, very hard. what's bugging you on such a pretty thursday?
can i show you something?
sure.
come to my cubicle with me.
uh-oh, that's just the kind of talk that's got alana telling tales about us.
alana can just-- come here. here. look at this. have you ever seen anything like this?
umm, yes. it looks like... a pen. people use them for writing. one of the things that distinguishes us, incidentally, from lower forms of--
yeah, you're fucking hilarious. write with it.
ok, well, it, huh. it doesn't really work. that can be frustrating, but I'm sure--
oh, it works. hold up the paper, look at it carefully.
hm, it did write. but very light.
yeah. exactly. you know why? because it's a grey pen. it writes with light grey ink. i asked for a box of blue pens, and i got three light grey pens! why would anyone even make light grey pens, let alone buy them for an office?
i don't know. for writing valentines on pink paper? for writing on yellow legal pads?
our legal pads here are white, in case you didn't notice. all our paper is white. which is very similar, in case you didn't notice, to light grey!
ok, ok. point taken. anyway, why didn't you just go get the pens yourself?
can't. someone appointed alana supply queen and she said she has to get everything for us now.
that's funny. she gave me the key earlier to get some post-it notes. which we're out of, by the way.
what color do you think is best for writing death threats?
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
hey! can you just get up for a second?
what, why?
we're making a trail!
a what?
a trail!
roger, what are you talking about?
me and wings, we're making a trail around the office.
you and wings?
yeah, ryan. that's what i call him now. i have to, because he won the last wing contest. or he says he did. i say it was a tie, but he says he won and i have to call him wings until the next contest, then when i win i'll get to be called wings. i'll tell you so you know when to start calling me--
roger, what is it you guys are doing?
oh, yeah. so check this out! me and wings figured out that you can make kind of like a chain with post-it notes if you stick the sticky end of one to the unsticky end of the next one, then the sticky part of that one to the unsticky part of another one and we're having a contest to see who can make a longer chain. and we're laying them out on the floor because they're so long. he's just making a straight line down the other hallway, but i'm actually wrapping mine around the inside of each cubicle so that if they're both the same length, then mine is actually longer.
roger, how many post-it notes did you guys take for this?
we needed all of them! that's how long this trail is gonna be!
dammit, roger, this is why i am writing with a grey pen right now!
huh? you know, you really don't make any sense sometimes. later!
what, why?
we're making a trail!
a what?
a trail!
roger, what are you talking about?
me and wings, we're making a trail around the office.
you and wings?
yeah, ryan. that's what i call him now. i have to, because he won the last wing contest. or he says he did. i say it was a tie, but he says he won and i have to call him wings until the next contest, then when i win i'll get to be called wings. i'll tell you so you know when to start calling me--
roger, what is it you guys are doing?
oh, yeah. so check this out! me and wings figured out that you can make kind of like a chain with post-it notes if you stick the sticky end of one to the unsticky end of the next one, then the sticky part of that one to the unsticky part of another one and we're having a contest to see who can make a longer chain. and we're laying them out on the floor because they're so long. he's just making a straight line down the other hallway, but i'm actually wrapping mine around the inside of each cubicle so that if they're both the same length, then mine is actually longer.
roger, how many post-it notes did you guys take for this?
we needed all of them! that's how long this trail is gonna be!
dammit, roger, this is why i am writing with a grey pen right now!
huh? you know, you really don't make any sense sometimes. later!
hey, alana, lemme get the key to the supply room?
what do you need?
i just need to get some stuff for my desk.
what do you need? you can't just go in there, you know.
alana, come on, i just need some pens.
fine, i'll get some for you. what kind do you want?
are you serious? i just need a box of blue pens.
you can't have a box. you can have three new pens at a time. blue you said?
yes, blue. but i like the gel kind, not the ballpoint. and fine tip. unless there's only ballpoint, then it should be medium-- this is silly. can't i just go in there?
no. they told me not to give the key to anyone. they said it's my job to be in charge of supplies.
since when?
since all the post-it notes disappeared. i'll get you your pens this afternoon.
what do you need?
i just need to get some stuff for my desk.
what do you need? you can't just go in there, you know.
alana, come on, i just need some pens.
fine, i'll get some for you. what kind do you want?
are you serious? i just need a box of blue pens.
you can't have a box. you can have three new pens at a time. blue you said?
yes, blue. but i like the gel kind, not the ballpoint. and fine tip. unless there's only ballpoint, then it should be medium-- this is silly. can't i just go in there?
no. they told me not to give the key to anyone. they said it's my job to be in charge of supplies.
since when?
since all the post-it notes disappeared. i'll get you your pens this afternoon.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
excuse me, can i help you? are you lost?
no, i've got, uh, a delivery for nina.
she's not in today. i can sign for it. did you leave it outside?
no, i've got it. i don't need a signature but--
i can just take it then.
no, i don't think, i think i better come back. you're sure she's not here?
yes, i'm sure. she hasn't been in for over a week. i think she's on vacation.
oh, ok. i didn't hear about that. i'll just come back.
wait, how did you get in?
just... just like always. alright, thanks. bye.
no, i've got, uh, a delivery for nina.
she's not in today. i can sign for it. did you leave it outside?
no, i've got it. i don't need a signature but--
i can just take it then.
no, i don't think, i think i better come back. you're sure she's not here?
yes, i'm sure. she hasn't been in for over a week. i think she's on vacation.
oh, ok. i didn't hear about that. i'll just come back.
wait, how did you get in?
just... just like always. alright, thanks. bye.
Monday, May 17, 2004
toodle-oo! good morning!
oh, good morning.
how are you? now you'll have to catch me up on just everything i missed.
oh, were you-- oh. yes. sure. umm.
i'm sure you heard, after all.
oh. yes. well, heard, which?
well, you know i was the one who discovered it.
oh. discovered...?
of course you know, the suspicious white powder in the bathroom. i've been under observation ever since.
observation? in the hospital?
well, home observation. they said if it was anthrax it would develop within three days. but the stress of waiting to get anthrax, well, i needed to be under home self observation just for the stress for a week after that.
oh, i see. what was it like, the powder you found?
well, i hate to even talk about it, it was such a fright.
oh, sorry. you don't have to--
but what happened is, remember how the lights were out in the bathroom?
sure.
i was in there, you know, doing my business, when they flickered back on. and i thought, oh, this is better, but then i looked down at the toilet paper dispenser, and you know how it has that little sort of shiny stainless steel shelf on top of it?
mm hmm.
it was there! and it didn't look like someone had just spilled baby powder, it looked like it had been placed there deliberately!
deliberately?
absolutely. almost like little straight patterns.
hm.
so i got out of there. because you can't take chances these days when it comes to bioterror. you just can't. especially at my age. they said it tested negative, but the truth is, do you really think they'd tell us if it was anthrax? think about the panic that would cause. so they keep these things hushed up and tell us the results were "inconclusive." but really, if you think about it, what else could it be, you know?
sure. well, i'm sure everyone will be more careful now.
oh, i know i will, i am. you have to. you can't be too. too careful, i mean. i mean, strange powder doesn't just appear in a bathroom for no reason.
oh, good morning.
how are you? now you'll have to catch me up on just everything i missed.
oh, were you-- oh. yes. sure. umm.
i'm sure you heard, after all.
oh. yes. well, heard, which?
well, you know i was the one who discovered it.
oh. discovered...?
of course you know, the suspicious white powder in the bathroom. i've been under observation ever since.
observation? in the hospital?
well, home observation. they said if it was anthrax it would develop within three days. but the stress of waiting to get anthrax, well, i needed to be under home self observation just for the stress for a week after that.
oh, i see. what was it like, the powder you found?
well, i hate to even talk about it, it was such a fright.
oh, sorry. you don't have to--
but what happened is, remember how the lights were out in the bathroom?
sure.
i was in there, you know, doing my business, when they flickered back on. and i thought, oh, this is better, but then i looked down at the toilet paper dispenser, and you know how it has that little sort of shiny stainless steel shelf on top of it?
mm hmm.
it was there! and it didn't look like someone had just spilled baby powder, it looked like it had been placed there deliberately!
deliberately?
absolutely. almost like little straight patterns.
hm.
so i got out of there. because you can't take chances these days when it comes to bioterror. you just can't. especially at my age. they said it tested negative, but the truth is, do you really think they'd tell us if it was anthrax? think about the panic that would cause. so they keep these things hushed up and tell us the results were "inconclusive." but really, if you think about it, what else could it be, you know?
sure. well, i'm sure everyone will be more careful now.
oh, i know i will, i am. you have to. you can't be too. too careful, i mean. i mean, strange powder doesn't just appear in a bathroom for no reason.
Friday, May 14, 2004
good god, they're doing it again. i can hear both of them, talking to each other. they should have a question on the initial employment application. like, circle one: i believe that it is/is not appropriate to speak to someone sitting within earshot via speaker phone. explain.
alright, she's been gone ten minutes now, i'm taking off. she would have come back for her blackberry by now if she were going to.
k, meet you at the margarita place in half an hour. bye!
alright, she's been gone ten minutes now, i'm taking off. she would have come back for her blackberry by now if she were going to.
k, meet you at the margarita place in half an hour. bye!
yes! i faced you!
i did too!
nuh uh!
because you ate three nuclears and four atomics, and i ate all seven atomics.
then why do they give them different names? atomic is definitely hotter than nuclear.
ok, let's go by who has more blisters on their tongue.
dude, total badge of honor! i am the wingday champion.
i did too!
nuh uh!
because you ate three nuclears and four atomics, and i ate all seven atomics.
then why do they give them different names? atomic is definitely hotter than nuclear.
ok, let's go by who has more blisters on their tongue.
dude, total badge of honor! i am the wingday champion.
you did not.
no you didn't. i so won.
how do you even figure?
it's the same thing. nuclear and atomic mean the same thing.
it's just different names to make them sound different. i think it was a tie.
you have blisters on your tongue? that is nasty, man.
ok, maybe this time. but next wingday, i will dominate!
no you didn't. i so won.
how do you even figure?
it's the same thing. nuclear and atomic mean the same thing.
it's just different names to make them sound different. i think it was a tie.
you have blisters on your tongue? that is nasty, man.
ok, maybe this time. but next wingday, i will dominate!
hey, hey! know what day today is?
friday, roger?
no! well, yeah. but also! it's wingday! know what that means?
what, roger?
we're ordering wings! for lunch. that's why i call it wingday.
oh.
so even though today is friday and it's wingday, wingday doesn't always have to be a friday. like, if we ordered wings on a wednesday, then wednesday would be wingday that week. isn't that cool? because it's not like wednesday could be friday, but wednesday or friday could be wingday. or even monday or tuesday.
uh huh. complicated.
i know! but you know monday wouldn't really be a good wingday.
no?
no! of course not. who wants wings on a monday?
friday, roger?
no! well, yeah. but also! it's wingday! know what that means?
what, roger?
we're ordering wings! for lunch. that's why i call it wingday.
oh.
so even though today is friday and it's wingday, wingday doesn't always have to be a friday. like, if we ordered wings on a wednesday, then wednesday would be wingday that week. isn't that cool? because it's not like wednesday could be friday, but wednesday or friday could be wingday. or even monday or tuesday.
uh huh. complicated.
i know! but you know monday wouldn't really be a good wingday.
no?
no! of course not. who wants wings on a monday?
Thursday, May 13, 2004
hey, come here, check this out! vin, tell her what you told me!
ok, so, i was sitting at my desk like always, with that door opening and closing all day - and every time it opens, you can hear how loud the vent is on in there.
that must be nice.
oh my god, it is so. annoying. anyway. so last friday, that lady from accounting? the big one with the painted on eyebrows who's always wearing the shiny gold sweaters and flowery polyester pants? she goes in there and she runs out a second later holding her breath and covering her mouth with a paper towel. and i'm like, somebody did something stin-ky. but she looks all panicky and runs into the boss' office.
and then?
and then they evacuated the building.
vin, we know that! but what happened?
oh, that, honey, i couldn't tell you. but i'll tell you one thing. that woman, she should not be wearing flowered polyester pants.
ok, so, i was sitting at my desk like always, with that door opening and closing all day - and every time it opens, you can hear how loud the vent is on in there.
that must be nice.
oh my god, it is so. annoying. anyway. so last friday, that lady from accounting? the big one with the painted on eyebrows who's always wearing the shiny gold sweaters and flowery polyester pants? she goes in there and she runs out a second later holding her breath and covering her mouth with a paper towel. and i'm like, somebody did something stin-ky. but she looks all panicky and runs into the boss' office.
and then?
and then they evacuated the building.
vin, we know that! but what happened?
oh, that, honey, i couldn't tell you. but i'll tell you one thing. that woman, she should not be wearing flowered polyester pants.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
have you seen nina around?
not since friday. maybe somebody dropped a house on her.
not since friday. maybe somebody dropped a house on her.
hey. what's going on?
better watch it with that saucy talk, lady - they're on to us.
what are you talking about?
alana. she says she knows what we're up to.
oh, please.
it's true. she said she sees us talking by the coffee machine. she used air quotes around "talking." can't put anything past that one, eh?
right. because the open kitchen would be such a great place to "talk."
she also says that you're mean.
at least she got something right.
better watch it with that saucy talk, lady - they're on to us.
what are you talking about?
alana. she says she knows what we're up to.
oh, please.
it's true. she said she sees us talking by the coffee machine. she used air quotes around "talking." can't put anything past that one, eh?
right. because the open kitchen would be such a great place to "talk."
she also says that you're mean.
at least she got something right.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
why does she have to be so mean?
aw, c'mon. she's just having fun with you. what did she say?
all i said was, and it's a very legitimate concern in these times, that there was a suspicious powder and maybe we've been exposed to anthrax--
anthrax?
yes! i don't see what's funny about that!
sorry, sorry. i didn't mean to laugh. go on.
that maybe we've been exposed to anthrax and now i have a runny nose, and she said, maybe it's allergies!
well, maybe it is allergies?
i don't have allergies! so it couldn't be!
ok, ok. i'm sure she didn't say it to be mean, though.
i see you two always talking by the coffee machine. i know what's going on.
aw, c'mon. she's just having fun with you. what did she say?
all i said was, and it's a very legitimate concern in these times, that there was a suspicious powder and maybe we've been exposed to anthrax--
anthrax?
yes! i don't see what's funny about that!
sorry, sorry. i didn't mean to laugh. go on.
that maybe we've been exposed to anthrax and now i have a runny nose, and she said, maybe it's allergies!
well, maybe it is allergies?
i don't have allergies! so it couldn't be!
ok, ok. i'm sure she didn't say it to be mean, though.
i see you two always talking by the coffee machine. i know what's going on.
i mean, they'd have to tell us if it was something dangerous, right? because i totally feel like i'm starting to get a runny nose. and i wasn't before friday. then that whole thing happened, and i don't know! is it a coincidence? what if we have anthrax?
what if you have allergies?
what if you have allergies?
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
you know, personally, for me, tuesday is the worst day of the week.
oh. really.
yeah, tuesday. definitely. and, of course, monday because you know, monday is monday. so monday and tuesday are the worst.
uh huh.
and i used to like wednesday because it was humpday and that's awesome but then you ruined it for me when you told me about how--
um, roger, did you need something?
no. i was just saying hi. gosh, can't i say hi? what's wrong with saying hi? hi. see? is that a big deal? hi. hi, hi--
oh. ok. hi.
and also, i figured out. monday, tuesday, and wednesday are the worst days of the week. thursday is sort of ok, because it's almost friday. then friday is sweet! and saturday is sweet! and sunday is sweet! but sunday's not that sweet because it's almost monday. so that kind of ruins it. you know?
look, roger--
also, did you hear about the suspicious white powder?
what? no. what?
yeah, i heard my uncle talking on the phone in his office. he was saying to make sure nobody finds out they found a suspicious powder in the bathroom on friday. oh! whoops.
oh. really.
yeah, tuesday. definitely. and, of course, monday because you know, monday is monday. so monday and tuesday are the worst.
uh huh.
and i used to like wednesday because it was humpday and that's awesome but then you ruined it for me when you told me about how--
um, roger, did you need something?
no. i was just saying hi. gosh, can't i say hi? what's wrong with saying hi? hi. see? is that a big deal? hi. hi, hi--
oh. ok. hi.
and also, i figured out. monday, tuesday, and wednesday are the worst days of the week. thursday is sort of ok, because it's almost friday. then friday is sweet! and saturday is sweet! and sunday is sweet! but sunday's not that sweet because it's almost monday. so that kind of ruins it. you know?
look, roger--
also, did you hear about the suspicious white powder?
what? no. what?
yeah, i heard my uncle talking on the phone in his office. he was saying to make sure nobody finds out they found a suspicious powder in the bathroom on friday. oh! whoops.
good morning. getting used to the new coffee machine?
hey. sure. they say the human body can adapt to almost anything. anyway, it's better than before. wonder what the difference is between european roast and french roast?
hmm, i suspect it's subtle. at best. hey! so did you hear about friday?
all i heard is that my margarita-drinking absence was duly noted. tell me you didn't come back in after the evacuation?
are you kidding? on a day like that? no way. but this guy vin i know in auditing sits right by the ladies' room,
ug. lucky him.
i know, right? and he came back in as soon as he could because he left his cellphone inside and needed it for the weekend.
i could see that.
he said that as he was coming in, three cops wearing face masks were leaving the ladies' room with a big, clear sealed bag that looked like it had smaller ziploc bags inside.
really? what was it?
dunno. i've never been in the ladies' room, you know. thought you might have some ideas.
hmm. nothing i want to think about.
hey. sure. they say the human body can adapt to almost anything. anyway, it's better than before. wonder what the difference is between european roast and french roast?
hmm, i suspect it's subtle. at best. hey! so did you hear about friday?
all i heard is that my margarita-drinking absence was duly noted. tell me you didn't come back in after the evacuation?
are you kidding? on a day like that? no way. but this guy vin i know in auditing sits right by the ladies' room,
ug. lucky him.
i know, right? and he came back in as soon as he could because he left his cellphone inside and needed it for the weekend.
i could see that.
he said that as he was coming in, three cops wearing face masks were leaving the ladies' room with a big, clear sealed bag that looked like it had smaller ziploc bags inside.
really? what was it?
dunno. i've never been in the ladies' room, you know. thought you might have some ideas.
hmm. nothing i want to think about.
Monday, May 03, 2004
g'morning. good weekend?
where did you go on friday?
i'm fine thanks, and you? what do you mean?
i mean, everybody went back into the building at four forty-five after the evacuation and you went to get a lighter and never came back!
no, let's see, at four forty-five i would have been just paying for my to-go margarita and heading for the park.
i can't believe you! everybody went back to work!
i can't believe that. didn't everybody notice it was friday afternoon, and the first hot, sunny friday we've had this year? what did you do, stand outside for two hours, then work on spreadsheets for fifteen more precious minutes?
no, not spreadsheets. i had some photocopies to make. you can't not go to work and go drink margaritas just because the weather's nice! what if everybody did that?
then everybody'd be having a little more fun.
not everybody thinks irresponsibilty is fun!
well, each according to his desires, eh?
what?
ah, you're right. abilities, needs, whatever. see ya.
hey, wait! are to-go margaritas even legal? wait!
where did you go on friday?
i'm fine thanks, and you? what do you mean?
i mean, everybody went back into the building at four forty-five after the evacuation and you went to get a lighter and never came back!
no, let's see, at four forty-five i would have been just paying for my to-go margarita and heading for the park.
i can't believe you! everybody went back to work!
i can't believe that. didn't everybody notice it was friday afternoon, and the first hot, sunny friday we've had this year? what did you do, stand outside for two hours, then work on spreadsheets for fifteen more precious minutes?
no, not spreadsheets. i had some photocopies to make. you can't not go to work and go drink margaritas just because the weather's nice! what if everybody did that?
then everybody'd be having a little more fun.
not everybody thinks irresponsibilty is fun!
well, each according to his desires, eh?
what?
ah, you're right. abilities, needs, whatever. see ya.
hey, wait! are to-go margaritas even legal? wait!
|
