Friday, July 30, 2004
wow, not again! this is completely insane!
i know... can't they just fucking disconnect it or something?
definitely my signal to go home.
it's like we're on some big construction site. instead of the five o'clock whistle, we get the 4:50 screeching fire alarm and flashing strobe lights.
and the 10:30, and the 3:10... i'm so bringing ear plugs on monday.
this has to be an actionable working conditions violation. how bout i call in on monday around eleven and you tell me if things have quieted down?
i'm sure they'll have it fixed by then.
the eternal optimist. you probably think they'll start stocking paper in the copy room next week, too.
i know... can't they just fucking disconnect it or something?
definitely my signal to go home.
it's like we're on some big construction site. instead of the five o'clock whistle, we get the 4:50 screeching fire alarm and flashing strobe lights.
and the 10:30, and the 3:10... i'm so bringing ear plugs on monday.
this has to be an actionable working conditions violation. how bout i call in on monday around eleven and you tell me if things have quieted down?
i'm sure they'll have it fixed by then.
the eternal optimist. you probably think they'll start stocking paper in the copy room next week, too.
ugh, do we really have to evacuate?
we probably should. it could be a real fire. technically. right?
probably an exec smoking in the bathroom.
we could give it a minute and see if it stops ringing.
come on, you guys! don't you hear the siren?
um, hard to miss.
well, that means you have to evacuate. come on! i'm the fire warden for this floor! it's my responsibility to make sure everyone gets out! they're timing us. don't take anything, just come on!
oh, alright. at least we can have a quick smoke.
you're not supposed to bring anything!
well, look at that, alana. the cigarettes are already in my hand. so it would be kind of wasting time if i went back and put them down, now, wouldn't it?
you're gonna get a corrective action slip.
what was that?
nothing. just go down the stairs. i have to check under the stalls in the bathroom. some of us take our responsibilities seriously, you know.
we probably should. it could be a real fire. technically. right?
probably an exec smoking in the bathroom.
we could give it a minute and see if it stops ringing.
come on, you guys! don't you hear the siren?
um, hard to miss.
well, that means you have to evacuate. come on! i'm the fire warden for this floor! it's my responsibility to make sure everyone gets out! they're timing us. don't take anything, just come on!
oh, alright. at least we can have a quick smoke.
you're not supposed to bring anything!
well, look at that, alana. the cigarettes are already in my hand. so it would be kind of wasting time if i went back and put them down, now, wouldn't it?
you're gonna get a corrective action slip.
what was that?
nothing. just go down the stairs. i have to check under the stalls in the bathroom. some of us take our responsibilities seriously, you know.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
wait, you gave her what key? why? and why wasn't i in the loop on this?
she just asked for the key to 520--
alana, there is a certain level of responsibility that comes with being entrusted with the spare office keys. you are expected to demonstrate that you are able to exercise a certain level of independent judgement. namely, that all decisions should be run through me. now, why wasn't i cc'd on this conversation?
um, it was in person.
i didn't ask for excuses! i should always be cc'd. there is no way those little brats are going to sit around picking their noses in the corner office. if anything, that should be me!
i'm sorry, nina, i didn't--
hmmm. actually, you know what? i'm sorry. why don't you take my duetto card and go get us both a caramel macchiatto. come back, and you and me will have a little strategy session. what do you say, alana? sound good, hmm?
um, that sounds fine, i guess.
good girl. i can't believe, i didn't even notice what adorable shoes you're wearing.
she just asked for the key to 520--
alana, there is a certain level of responsibility that comes with being entrusted with the spare office keys. you are expected to demonstrate that you are able to exercise a certain level of independent judgement. namely, that all decisions should be run through me. now, why wasn't i cc'd on this conversation?
um, it was in person.
i didn't ask for excuses! i should always be cc'd. there is no way those little brats are going to sit around picking their noses in the corner office. if anything, that should be me!
i'm sorry, nina, i didn't--
hmmm. actually, you know what? i'm sorry. why don't you take my duetto card and go get us both a caramel macchiatto. come back, and you and me will have a little strategy session. what do you say, alana? sound good, hmm?
um, that sounds fine, i guess.
good girl. i can't believe, i didn't even notice what adorable shoes you're wearing.
hey, mc, i have a question....
what's up, leah? and, uh, my name is--
aren't they a little young?
what?
the interns. everybody's saying that you have some kind of a thing going on with one -- or both-- of them.
what? that's ridiculous! i'm just supposed to help get them--
oh, relax. i'm only kidding. ha, ha, ha! you totally believed me.
what's up, leah? and, uh, my name is--
aren't they a little young?
what?
the interns. everybody's saying that you have some kind of a thing going on with one -- or both-- of them.
what? that's ridiculous! i'm just supposed to help get them--
oh, relax. i'm only kidding. ha, ha, ha! you totally believed me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
wow, seriously?
this is cool.
yep. no one's using this office and nina said she didn't want to-- she said whatever i worked out was fine.
whose was it?
i don't know. some hotshot exec who got caught at something, probably.
are we allowed to watch the tv?
can we use the playstation?
again, might be better if people didn't see you doing that. you are pretty far from everyone else, though. i don't know. don't ask, don't tell? i'll try and find some real work for you to do.
this is cool.
yep. no one's using this office and nina said she didn't want to-- she said whatever i worked out was fine.
whose was it?
i don't know. some hotshot exec who got caught at something, probably.
are we allowed to watch the tv?
can we use the playstation?
again, might be better if people didn't see you doing that. you are pretty far from everyone else, though. i don't know. don't ask, don't tell? i'll try and find some real work for you to do.
hey, guys, come with me. i think i found you something.
sure.
ok. can we just finish this hand?
um, might be better off if people didn't see you playing poker here.
sure.
ok. can we just finish this hand?
um, might be better off if people didn't see you playing poker here.
hey, alana, you don't have all the spare keys now, do you?
yes, i do. all of them. why?
you probably don't have the one for 520, though, right?
yes, i do. i'm sure i do. nina said i get to be in charge of all the keys. why? what's 520?
just an old office nobody's using. i need the key for it, but i'll just ask facilities. you wouldn't have that one.
no, i have it! i have all the keys. hold on.... there. that's it. go test it if you don't believe me.
okay. i'll just bring it back if it doesn't work.
it works! it's the right key!
okay, sure. i'll try it.
yes, i do. all of them. why?
you probably don't have the one for 520, though, right?
yes, i do. i'm sure i do. nina said i get to be in charge of all the keys. why? what's 520?
just an old office nobody's using. i need the key for it, but i'll just ask facilities. you wouldn't have that one.
no, i have it! i have all the keys. hold on.... there. that's it. go test it if you don't believe me.
okay. i'll just bring it back if it doesn't work.
it works! it's the right key!
okay, sure. i'll try it.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
i just can't believe they're doing this! such a waste!
yeah, tearing a hole right down through the middle of the building. almost has to be bad, structurally, right?
oh, i suppose that's something to think about, too. but i mean, they're tearing right through the interns' little office space! i did everything i could in my power to make it all neat and friendly in there. i just said to myself, now, joanne, if you were brand new at a big, intimidating company, what would you want to see on the walls to make you feel more at ease? and now the room is roped off with that scary looking pink tape and i can't even go in to get back my favorite kitten poster and the welcome banner! they're completely going to waste. and do you know how long it took me to track down that map of africa?
oh, yeah. i almost forgot about that.
this is ridiculous!
certainly is.
yeah, tearing a hole right down through the middle of the building. almost has to be bad, structurally, right?
oh, i suppose that's something to think about, too. but i mean, they're tearing right through the interns' little office space! i did everything i could in my power to make it all neat and friendly in there. i just said to myself, now, joanne, if you were brand new at a big, intimidating company, what would you want to see on the walls to make you feel more at ease? and now the room is roped off with that scary looking pink tape and i can't even go in to get back my favorite kitten poster and the welcome banner! they're completely going to waste. and do you know how long it took me to track down that map of africa?
oh, yeah. i almost forgot about that.
this is ridiculous!
certainly is.
they were totally looking at me like, you're in charge of us?
i'm sure they weren't.
they were! i just know they were thinking, she can barely get through her own day here, how the hell is she in charge of us?
i think you might be projecting.
and the worst is, of all people, roger's wise words came tumbling out of my mouth. i accidentally quoted roger!
i'm sure they weren't.
they were! i just know they were thinking, she can barely get through her own day here, how the hell is she in charge of us?
i think you might be projecting.
and the worst is, of all people, roger's wise words came tumbling out of my mouth. i accidentally quoted roger!
hey, guys.
hi.
hey.
so, um, good news is, i found out what happened to your room. bad news is, they're tearing out the floor and ceiling of it, and the ones above and below it. then they're replacing the walls with glass. or clear plastic.
really? i've never heard of anything like that.
yep. that's the plan. probably they'll just tear out the floors and then abandon the idea and it will turn into a big garbage chute, but, we'll see. anyway, so you can't really sit in there. also bad news is, i'm the one who's supposed to find you a new place. i'm supposed to be sort of in charge of you. but i don't really know anything about your program or what you're supposed to be doing. so i was thinking, maybe go take a long lunch, and hopefully i'll have something figured out when you get back. ok?
ok. can we just ask, what was your name again?
sure. sorry. it's mg. mg, just like... the little british car. oh, dammit!
what's wrong?
oh, nothing.
hi.
hey.
so, um, good news is, i found out what happened to your room. bad news is, they're tearing out the floor and ceiling of it, and the ones above and below it. then they're replacing the walls with glass. or clear plastic.
really? i've never heard of anything like that.
yep. that's the plan. probably they'll just tear out the floors and then abandon the idea and it will turn into a big garbage chute, but, we'll see. anyway, so you can't really sit in there. also bad news is, i'm the one who's supposed to find you a new place. i'm supposed to be sort of in charge of you. but i don't really know anything about your program or what you're supposed to be doing. so i was thinking, maybe go take a long lunch, and hopefully i'll have something figured out when you get back. ok?
ok. can we just ask, what was your name again?
sure. sorry. it's mg. mg, just like... the little british car. oh, dammit!
what's wrong?
oh, nothing.
Monday, July 26, 2004
attention all employees:
beginning on monday, july 18, winkyshock, inc. headquarters will begin the process of initiating renovation work. an atrium/airshaft will be constructed through the zone-c designated areas that are now being used on most floors as storage space. the team of consultants we brought in assured the board that the resulting "core of light" will create a space for sealed airflow as well as increased natural light, bringing to some extent, the "outside in." please be patient with any increased noise, dust and other unanticipated forms of inconvenience this may cause. our current and temporary "growing pains" will be an investment in future permanent "workplace pleasure." thank you, and back to work.
beginning on monday, july 18, winkyshock, inc. headquarters will begin the process of initiating renovation work. an atrium/airshaft will be constructed through the zone-c designated areas that are now being used on most floors as storage space. the team of consultants we brought in assured the board that the resulting "core of light" will create a space for sealed airflow as well as increased natural light, bringing to some extent, the "outside in." please be patient with any increased noise, dust and other unanticipated forms of inconvenience this may cause. our current and temporary "growing pains" will be an investment in future permanent "workplace pleasure." thank you, and back to work.
Friday, July 23, 2004
hi, nina? i work down the hall, i'm m--
i know who you are. you do work for me, after all.
well, yes, indirectly, i wasn't sure if, well, anyway. i hate to bother you--
and i hate to be bothered. what is it?
but i was wondering, i don't know who's in charge of this, but the interns have been sitting in the cof-- connection lounge for the last day or so, and i was wondering where they should go?
i'll tell you where they can go, for all i care.
beg your pardon?
those kids humiliated me at the DRAD dinner. if i see them again before this summer is over it will be far too soon.
um, i can hardly imagine what they could have done. they've been nothing but polite since they've been here.
yes, polite. 'polite' is a charming personal quality, i'm sure. but, frankly, we are not trying to demonstrate to the business community that we're augmenting our headcount of polite employees. i should have known when i assigned their recruitment to roger that the entire project would get utterly-- well. if you're so concerned with their well being, why don't you figure something out.
me?
yes. they need a program coordinator, now that you mention it. and since i wash my hands of it and since roger is obviously, well, roger... you are the new DARP coordinator. effective immediately. you report to me on this.
i'm actually already pretty--
wonderful. let me know what you work out. or not.
i know who you are. you do work for me, after all.
well, yes, indirectly, i wasn't sure if, well, anyway. i hate to bother you--
and i hate to be bothered. what is it?
but i was wondering, i don't know who's in charge of this, but the interns have been sitting in the cof-- connection lounge for the last day or so, and i was wondering where they should go?
i'll tell you where they can go, for all i care.
beg your pardon?
those kids humiliated me at the DRAD dinner. if i see them again before this summer is over it will be far too soon.
um, i can hardly imagine what they could have done. they've been nothing but polite since they've been here.
yes, polite. 'polite' is a charming personal quality, i'm sure. but, frankly, we are not trying to demonstrate to the business community that we're augmenting our headcount of polite employees. i should have known when i assigned their recruitment to roger that the entire project would get utterly-- well. if you're so concerned with their well being, why don't you figure something out.
me?
yes. they need a program coordinator, now that you mention it. and since i wash my hands of it and since roger is obviously, well, roger... you are the new DARP coordinator. effective immediately. you report to me on this.
i'm actually already pretty--
wonderful. let me know what you work out. or not.
do you hear that, too?
what did you say?
do you hear that noise?
the noise like someone's hacking at the entire plumbing system with sledgehammers?
yeah, that one.
uh, yes. how could i not?
i thought for a second it was last night's margarita throttling my brain. because there was the jackhammer outside my apartment, then there was some kind of hammering at the rails in the subway station, and now this, and i thought maybe there was actually a permanent banging inside my head.
can't rule that out completely, but in this case, no. what could they be doing, anyway?
building a direct drainage line from the coffee buckets to the sewage system? swapping the hot water pipes and the cold water pipes? adding a roman bath to the executive floor?
full of ideas for someone with a hangover.
think it's the margarita talking.
what did you say?
do you hear that noise?
the noise like someone's hacking at the entire plumbing system with sledgehammers?
yeah, that one.
uh, yes. how could i not?
i thought for a second it was last night's margarita throttling my brain. because there was the jackhammer outside my apartment, then there was some kind of hammering at the rails in the subway station, and now this, and i thought maybe there was actually a permanent banging inside my head.
can't rule that out completely, but in this case, no. what could they be doing, anyway?
building a direct drainage line from the coffee buckets to the sewage system? swapping the hot water pipes and the cold water pipes? adding a roman bath to the executive floor?
full of ideas for someone with a hangover.
think it's the margarita talking.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
what the hell is all that banging all day?
dunno, yeah. sounds like they're dismantling the core of the building.
with an army of small hammers. how are we supposed to get anything done?
dunno. do we ever get anything done?
we can pretend. this is terrible. all i had to look forward here ever was free shitty coffee and relative quiet.
you've still got your plastic philodendron, at least.
and boy, you better duck if you don't want to have it surgically removed.
dunno, yeah. sounds like they're dismantling the core of the building.
with an army of small hammers. how are we supposed to get anything done?
dunno. do we ever get anything done?
we can pretend. this is terrible. all i had to look forward here ever was free shitty coffee and relative quiet.
you've still got your plastic philodendron, at least.
and boy, you better duck if you don't want to have it surgically removed.
ah! you startled me!
sorry. we just went to our room, and the desk is gone.
yeah, our chairs are gone, too, and the carpet is rolled up.
really?
yeah. nobody said anything about it to us and we didn't know who to ask.
you're actually about the only person who's talked to us so far.
oh, gosh. i'm sorry to hear that. because i don't think i'm gonna be too much help. lord knows they don't tell me anything around here. everything was normal when you left yesterday?
yeah, seemed like it.
hmm. well, i'll see if i can find out anything. maybe you can hang out in here til it gets sorted out?
'k.
alright.
we should find something to put over top of that bucket, though. jeez, nasty.
do all companies have amnesty receptacles in their connection lounges?
yeah, we were wondering. cuz i've never heard of that. but i've never been at a big company before, so, i don't know.
oh, dear. no. no they do not. only the special few that are that are run by compl-- sorry. i don't want to give you guys a bad impression. but, yeah, no. generally, every company has its own policies and, um, quirks. some are more counterproductive than others. some places it's casual friday, others it's... offee coffee. guys?
yeah?
stay in school as long as you can.
sorry. we just went to our room, and the desk is gone.
yeah, our chairs are gone, too, and the carpet is rolled up.
really?
yeah. nobody said anything about it to us and we didn't know who to ask.
you're actually about the only person who's talked to us so far.
oh, gosh. i'm sorry to hear that. because i don't think i'm gonna be too much help. lord knows they don't tell me anything around here. everything was normal when you left yesterday?
yeah, seemed like it.
hmm. well, i'll see if i can find out anything. maybe you can hang out in here til it gets sorted out?
'k.
alright.
we should find something to put over top of that bucket, though. jeez, nasty.
do all companies have amnesty receptacles in their connection lounges?
yeah, we were wondering. cuz i've never heard of that. but i've never been at a big company before, so, i don't know.
oh, dear. no. no they do not. only the special few that are that are run by compl-- sorry. i don't want to give you guys a bad impression. but, yeah, no. generally, every company has its own policies and, um, quirks. some are more counterproductive than others. some places it's casual friday, others it's... offee coffee. guys?
yeah?
stay in school as long as you can.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
good morning, mg!
hey, vin. christ, you're chipper today.
i just wanted to tell you, before i forget, i think your friend might be a little more in touch with his inner mo than i gave him credit for.
who, jay?
mm hmm. i was just sitting at my desk yesterday downloading these new invisible screensavers that are supposed to bring a very calm, balancing energy to your workspace when he just tapped at my cubicle wall and was standing there holding a blueberry muffin!
hm.
he apologized for flying off the handle with that 'product man' comment the other day.
oh, yeah. that. good.
and i said i was sorry if i'd overstepped any boundaries by commenting on his hair. and he said no. which is right, because of course, i hadn't.
glad you guys could kiss and make up.
mg! first things first! anyway, the kicker is, and i didn't want to say anything about it to him after that whole utter fiasco last time, but i think someone tried putting a little dab of gel in his hair.
jay? nah.
don't forget now, he did bring me a muffin as an apology. and a blueberry one! your little jay may not be telling you everything! i'll keep you posted. wish me luck!
luck? vin, there is no way that jay... although, i did suggest a bagel to him. he chose the blueberry muffin on his own. i guess maybe a muffin is kind of gayer than a bagel, now that you mention it. hmm.
hey, vin. christ, you're chipper today.
i just wanted to tell you, before i forget, i think your friend might be a little more in touch with his inner mo than i gave him credit for.
who, jay?
mm hmm. i was just sitting at my desk yesterday downloading these new invisible screensavers that are supposed to bring a very calm, balancing energy to your workspace when he just tapped at my cubicle wall and was standing there holding a blueberry muffin!
hm.
he apologized for flying off the handle with that 'product man' comment the other day.
oh, yeah. that. good.
and i said i was sorry if i'd overstepped any boundaries by commenting on his hair. and he said no. which is right, because of course, i hadn't.
glad you guys could kiss and make up.
mg! first things first! anyway, the kicker is, and i didn't want to say anything about it to him after that whole utter fiasco last time, but i think someone tried putting a little dab of gel in his hair.
jay? nah.
don't forget now, he did bring me a muffin as an apology. and a blueberry one! your little jay may not be telling you everything! i'll keep you posted. wish me luck!
luck? vin, there is no way that jay... although, i did suggest a bagel to him. he chose the blueberry muffin on his own. i guess maybe a muffin is kind of gayer than a bagel, now that you mention it. hmm.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
isn't this the pantry?
it says connection lounge by the door, but it looks right, right? there's a cup full of coffee stirrers.
i guess. didn't that lady say there was food in here?
yeah. i don't see anything. just mustard packs.
we came all the way over here. now i'm hungry.
me too. wanna go get lunch?
are we allowed to leave?
i don't know. are we?
what if they come looking for us?
nobody has yet.
yeah, true. maybe we should go out really quick and come back.
should we see if anybody wants us to bring back anything? isn't that, like, what interns do?
i don't know. i've never interned before.
yeah, me either. anyway, i don't even know anybody's name or who anybody is.
who are we supposed to ask if we want to leave?
i have no idea. should we ask that lady who was talking to us? should we just go?
i don't think she's in charge of anything. actually, probably no one will even notice if we're gone.
it says connection lounge by the door, but it looks right, right? there's a cup full of coffee stirrers.
i guess. didn't that lady say there was food in here?
yeah. i don't see anything. just mustard packs.
we came all the way over here. now i'm hungry.
me too. wanna go get lunch?
are we allowed to leave?
i don't know. are we?
what if they come looking for us?
nobody has yet.
yeah, true. maybe we should go out really quick and come back.
should we see if anybody wants us to bring back anything? isn't that, like, what interns do?
i don't know. i've never interned before.
yeah, me either. anyway, i don't even know anybody's name or who anybody is.
who are we supposed to ask if we want to leave?
i have no idea. should we ask that lady who was talking to us? should we just go?
i don't think she's in charge of anything. actually, probably no one will even notice if we're gone.
hello, jay jay. you got a haircut!
oh, yeah. thanks, leah.
thanks? i didn't say it looked good, i just said you got one. ha, ha, ha!
oh. um... oh.
oh, yeah. thanks, leah.
thanks? i didn't say it looked good, i just said you got one. ha, ha, ha!
oh. um... oh.
hey, they've really got you guys tucked away back here. they keeping you busy?
um, yeah, sort of.
actually, we didn't really see anyone yesterday.
hmm, doesn't sound good. do you have mentors assigned to you or anything?
not yet. i think we're supposed to, though.
actually, we're supposed to get a research project to work on. i downloaded like two years' worth of critical updates onto this computer we're sharing, in the meantime. it took forever on this machine.
oh, that was smart. they're not too good at keeping up with that stuff. kind of begging for another virus infection. well, i just wanted to let you know there's a few bagels and muffins left in the pantry, if you want to help yourselves.
cool, thanks.
and guys, i'm really sorry about all the sh- stuff on the walls. we have sort of a lunatic den mother here who can strike any time.
yeah, we were kinda wondering about all that.
between us, she almost got me fired last winter with her little decorations.
wow, that sucks.
actually, something like that happened to a guy in my dorm last year. it was probably a different kind of decorations, though...
hmm. probably. well, i think her heart is in the right place. she's just a little enthusiastic. a big believer in inspirational posters and mass emails. and my god, how that woman loves kittens. anyway, grab a bagel before they're gone!
um, yeah, sort of.
actually, we didn't really see anyone yesterday.
hmm, doesn't sound good. do you have mentors assigned to you or anything?
not yet. i think we're supposed to, though.
actually, we're supposed to get a research project to work on. i downloaded like two years' worth of critical updates onto this computer we're sharing, in the meantime. it took forever on this machine.
oh, that was smart. they're not too good at keeping up with that stuff. kind of begging for another virus infection. well, i just wanted to let you know there's a few bagels and muffins left in the pantry, if you want to help yourselves.
cool, thanks.
and guys, i'm really sorry about all the sh- stuff on the walls. we have sort of a lunatic den mother here who can strike any time.
yeah, we were kinda wondering about all that.
between us, she almost got me fired last winter with her little decorations.
wow, that sucks.
actually, something like that happened to a guy in my dorm last year. it was probably a different kind of decorations, though...
hmm. probably. well, i think her heart is in the right place. she's just a little enthusiastic. a big believer in inspirational posters and mass emails. and my god, how that woman loves kittens. anyway, grab a bagel before they're gone!
alana! i need you to call catering right away. somebody left an enormous tray of carbs sitting out in the kitchen. i can feel myself ballooning up just walking by that room. and the bagels are starting to smell. tell them they need to get them out of there! now!
hey! come on! a meeting just got out and they left a platter of mini bagels and mini muffins in the coffee r-- pantry, whatever it's called!
i am so there. thanks for the heads up, jay, i'm starving.
knew it. you're always starving.
why don't you take vin a mini bagel? show him there's no hard feelings?
hard feelings?
yeah, he said you kind of freaked out on him yesterday.
freaked out? what?
he said he kind of hit on you and you shot him down. or something. i wasn't sure, it didn't really make sense.
nothing like that happened! yesterday we didn't even-- oh, yeah, we did talk. but nothing like that. that's weird.
i thought so, too.
hmm, so which one do you think expresses, 'sorry you thought i was a homophobe, i'm actually comfortable with your sexuality and my own' better - cinnamon raisin bagel, or blueberry muffin?
definitely the bagel, i think.
i am so there. thanks for the heads up, jay, i'm starving.
knew it. you're always starving.
why don't you take vin a mini bagel? show him there's no hard feelings?
hard feelings?
yeah, he said you kind of freaked out on him yesterday.
freaked out? what?
he said he kind of hit on you and you shot him down. or something. i wasn't sure, it didn't really make sense.
nothing like that happened! yesterday we didn't even-- oh, yeah, we did talk. but nothing like that. that's weird.
i thought so, too.
hmm, so which one do you think expresses, 'sorry you thought i was a homophobe, i'm actually comfortable with your sexuality and my own' better - cinnamon raisin bagel, or blueberry muffin?
definitely the bagel, i think.
Monday, July 19, 2004
mg, you know, i never would have guessed it, but your little friend jay is quite the homophobe.
jay? no way! why'd you think that?
well, i just gave him a compliment, i said his haircut looked good, no big deal, and he got all upset!
jay? upset? yet to see that.
he did! he was practically pounding his chest and shouting, look at me! i'm straight! i'm straight!
i don't believe that. he's not like that. were you, like, hitting on him? not that i think that would even bother him that much. he's too laid back.
ladyfriend, please! would vin tap a birch tree to get maple syrup?
um, no?
of course not! well, i might try. but i have better things to bark at than wrong trees.
right. well, i'm sure he didn't mean it like that, whatever he said.
i think he meant it just like that. a little too like that, if you know what i mean. i think maybe he needs to deal with his own issues before he goes around making assumptions. his haircut didn't look that good, anyway.
jay? no way! why'd you think that?
well, i just gave him a compliment, i said his haircut looked good, no big deal, and he got all upset!
jay? upset? yet to see that.
he did! he was practically pounding his chest and shouting, look at me! i'm straight! i'm straight!
i don't believe that. he's not like that. were you, like, hitting on him? not that i think that would even bother him that much. he's too laid back.
ladyfriend, please! would vin tap a birch tree to get maple syrup?
um, no?
of course not! well, i might try. but i have better things to bark at than wrong trees.
right. well, i'm sure he didn't mean it like that, whatever he said.
i think he meant it just like that. a little too like that, if you know what i mean. i think maybe he needs to deal with his own issues before he goes around making assumptions. his haircut didn't look that good, anyway.
jay, new haircut! looking sharp!
ah, thanks, vin. you're the only person who noticed.
now, how could anyone not notice? it looks great! the only thing i'd recommend is, a little more product.
product?
yes. you know, a touch of gel, some styling putty, or this new stuff i love, hair flair. it's for curly hair.
but your hair's straight.
yes, honey. but i'm not. and their ad campaign says 'embrace the unstraight.' how could i not be all over that?
hmm, yeah, i don't know. i'm not really a product kind of guy.
ah, thanks, vin. you're the only person who noticed.
now, how could anyone not notice? it looks great! the only thing i'd recommend is, a little more product.
product?
yes. you know, a touch of gel, some styling putty, or this new stuff i love, hair flair. it's for curly hair.
but your hair's straight.
yes, honey. but i'm not. and their ad campaign says 'embrace the unstraight.' how could i not be all over that?
hmm, yeah, i don't know. i'm not really a product kind of guy.
morning. how was the weekend?
oh, hey, jay. not too bad, i guess. you?
good. you don't sound too sure.
well, all i wanted to do really was sleep in and chill out at home, but they were tearing up the street outside all weekend. so it was noisy with the jackhammers and the smell of the tar or whatever coming in.
bummer.
yeah. the deathly quiet in here actually sounds good for once. the odorless recycled air, that mind-numbing drone of the air conditioning vents...
mg, never heard you wax poetic about the ventilation system.
jay, there was a jackhammer outside my window twelve hours a day. if i were a prisoner of war, i'm pretty sure that would go against the geneva conventions. of course, here, the lack of natural light and long periods of forced sitting in uncomfortable positions probably wouldn't go over well, either. and prisoners are at least allowed to smoke and have coffee, i bet.
think you should maybe take a vacation soon.
oh, hey, jay. not too bad, i guess. you?
good. you don't sound too sure.
well, all i wanted to do really was sleep in and chill out at home, but they were tearing up the street outside all weekend. so it was noisy with the jackhammers and the smell of the tar or whatever coming in.
bummer.
yeah. the deathly quiet in here actually sounds good for once. the odorless recycled air, that mind-numbing drone of the air conditioning vents...
mg, never heard you wax poetic about the ventilation system.
jay, there was a jackhammer outside my window twelve hours a day. if i were a prisoner of war, i'm pretty sure that would go against the geneva conventions. of course, here, the lack of natural light and long periods of forced sitting in uncomfortable positions probably wouldn't go over well, either. and prisoners are at least allowed to smoke and have coffee, i bet.
think you should maybe take a vacation soon.
Friday, July 16, 2004
mg! do you know what your initials stand for?
funnily enough, roger, yes, i do.
it's a kind of car! i saw one yesterday, like this little tiny car. and i was like, whoa? what is that? you could fit six of those in my uncle's suv! and my friend mike was like, it's british, it's an mg. and i was like, no way! there's totally this girl at the office named mg! now i know what her name means!
that's not actually what--
so why did your parents name you after a car? is that where you were, like--
roger!
you shouldn't feel bad about it. my little sister is named aruba. see ya. beep beep!
funnily enough, roger, yes, i do.
it's a kind of car! i saw one yesterday, like this little tiny car. and i was like, whoa? what is that? you could fit six of those in my uncle's suv! and my friend mike was like, it's british, it's an mg. and i was like, no way! there's totally this girl at the office named mg! now i know what her name means!
that's not actually what--
so why did your parents name you after a car? is that where you were, like--
roger!
you shouldn't feel bad about it. my little sister is named aruba. see ya. beep beep!
mg, can you get up? i need to take a look around your desk.
sorry, you what?
i need to see if you have any unauthorized caffeinated drinks. i'm our area's caffeinspector. didn't you get the email?
caffeinspector? a-ha. that's good. you had me going for a second there.
going what? i'm serious. if you won't show me your cubicle area voluntarily i'll have to write up one of these. and between you and me, i don't think you can exactly afford a non-compliance report.
a non-compliance report? that reminds me, alana. i've been wanting to talk to you about something for a while now.
i never said anything to anyone, i swear!
i didn't say you did.
oh. well, because, i didn't. ok. i'm skipping your cubicle just this once. but if there's anything left in the bottom of that cup, you better dump it in the amnesty receptacle before the random spot checks.
sorry, you what?
i need to see if you have any unauthorized caffeinated drinks. i'm our area's caffeinspector. didn't you get the email?
caffeinspector? a-ha. that's good. you had me going for a second there.
going what? i'm serious. if you won't show me your cubicle area voluntarily i'll have to write up one of these. and between you and me, i don't think you can exactly afford a non-compliance report.
a non-compliance report? that reminds me, alana. i've been wanting to talk to you about something for a while now.
i never said anything to anyone, i swear!
i didn't say you did.
oh. well, because, i didn't. ok. i'm skipping your cubicle just this once. but if there's anything left in the bottom of that cup, you better dump it in the amnesty receptacle before the random spot checks.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
and another thing!
hey, don't hit me again, k?
sorry about that. my name is only two letters long, m and g, and she still manages to get it wrong!
that takes a special kind of--
exactly. guess it's not that surprising from someone who pronounces her own name wrong.
c'mon, what do you mean? i'm sure she knows how to say her own name.
yeah? tell me how you get lay-a from l-e-a-h.
yeah, a little weird. and it is too bad someone so obnoxious had to ruin the most beautiful name in all sci-fi history.
what? wait, jay? are you, a closet star wars dork?
well, i never liked labels. but there's not a geeky white man my age who'd disagree.
i feel like you just came out to me.
hey, don't hit me again, k?
sorry about that. my name is only two letters long, m and g, and she still manages to get it wrong!
that takes a special kind of--
exactly. guess it's not that surprising from someone who pronounces her own name wrong.
c'mon, what do you mean? i'm sure she knows how to say her own name.
yeah? tell me how you get lay-a from l-e-a-h.
yeah, a little weird. and it is too bad someone so obnoxious had to ruin the most beautiful name in all sci-fi history.
what? wait, jay? are you, a closet star wars dork?
well, i never liked labels. but there's not a geeky white man my age who'd disagree.
i feel like you just came out to me.
hi, i'm leah and i have a boyfriend. hi, i'm leah and i have a boyfriend. hi, i'm--
um, mg? are you, what, practicing, lines or something?
why would i be practicing lines, jay?
uh, why would you be muttering into the refrigerator?
it's princess leah. she always listens to her voicemail on speakerphone at full volume. driving me fucking crazy. hello! we all sit two feet from each other!
oh, yeah. that's annoying.
bad enough when she replays everything five times to copy down the number, which she always does because god knows why she can't write it down the first damn time. but her stupid boyfriend left a message two weeks ago that she won't delete, so every time she plays her messages back, that one comes up first. then she plays just that one over again. then, in case anyone failed to hear it the first million times, she giggles and plays it again.
maybe she just likes hearing his voice.
maybe she's desperate for attention. anyway, doesn't mean the rest of the department does.
why don't you just ask her to turn it down?
ask her? then she'd make some comment about how i'm jealous. except she wouldn't come out and say it like that, she'd be like, 'oh, sorry, mp, it must be so hard for you to hear my boyfriend's messages all the time.'
are you?
am i what?
jealous?
of course not!
ow.
um, mg? are you, what, practicing, lines or something?
why would i be practicing lines, jay?
uh, why would you be muttering into the refrigerator?
it's princess leah. she always listens to her voicemail on speakerphone at full volume. driving me fucking crazy. hello! we all sit two feet from each other!
oh, yeah. that's annoying.
bad enough when she replays everything five times to copy down the number, which she always does because god knows why she can't write it down the first damn time. but her stupid boyfriend left a message two weeks ago that she won't delete, so every time she plays her messages back, that one comes up first. then she plays just that one over again. then, in case anyone failed to hear it the first million times, she giggles and plays it again.
maybe she just likes hearing his voice.
maybe she's desperate for attention. anyway, doesn't mean the rest of the department does.
why don't you just ask her to turn it down?
ask her? then she'd make some comment about how i'm jealous. except she wouldn't come out and say it like that, she'd be like, 'oh, sorry, mp, it must be so hard for you to hear my boyfriend's messages all the time.'
are you?
am i what?
jealous?
of course not!
ow.
hey there. so sorry to trouble you, mg, but do you have any tape? i ran completely out putting up my fourth of july decorations. last year i did bastille day decorations, too, but not this year.
hm.
and you know i wouldn't miss an opportunity to put up decorations for just any old reason. but those french... we won't be celebrating their national thanksgiving any time soon, not in my cubicle. anywho, can i borrow your tape?
yeah, sure. but i didn't realize there were any holidays coming up?
oh, it's not a holiday. i'm just decorating the interns' room for them. i want them to feel welcome here. i heard they're getting them set up in that big old supply closet when they get done with orientation tomorrow, and i want to make it a little homier for them. see? i have these letters that spell out welcome, and shiny smiley faces, and look how adorable this little kitten poster is! i took that right off my own cubicle wall. i wonder how they ever got them untangled from all that yarn?
hmm.
and look! i wanted the one to feel comfortable, so i got a map of africa to put up.
africa? i have to ask, joanne, how is that going to make them comfortable?
didn't you hear? one of them is actually from africa. i haven't met him personally, but that's what i heard. guyana, i think. or is it new guinea? so many countries there that sound alike, i don't know how they tell them apart. either way, i think it will show them how much we know and care about their culture.
hmm, i think you're right about that.
hm.
and you know i wouldn't miss an opportunity to put up decorations for just any old reason. but those french... we won't be celebrating their national thanksgiving any time soon, not in my cubicle. anywho, can i borrow your tape?
yeah, sure. but i didn't realize there were any holidays coming up?
oh, it's not a holiday. i'm just decorating the interns' room for them. i want them to feel welcome here. i heard they're getting them set up in that big old supply closet when they get done with orientation tomorrow, and i want to make it a little homier for them. see? i have these letters that spell out welcome, and shiny smiley faces, and look how adorable this little kitten poster is! i took that right off my own cubicle wall. i wonder how they ever got them untangled from all that yarn?
hmm.
and look! i wanted the one to feel comfortable, so i got a map of africa to put up.
africa? i have to ask, joanne, how is that going to make them comfortable?
didn't you hear? one of them is actually from africa. i haven't met him personally, but that's what i heard. guyana, i think. or is it new guinea? so many countries there that sound alike, i don't know how they tell them apart. either way, i think it will show them how much we know and care about their culture.
hmm, i think you're right about that.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
hi, it's me. call me, love you, bye.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
hey, jay?
yeah?
um, did you meet the new interns?
yep. why?
did you notice anything... funny about them?
not really. seemed like nice kids. why?
just, nothing. i guess. i just thought they were supposed to... i don't know. nevermind.
yeah?
um, did you meet the new interns?
yep. why?
did you notice anything... funny about them?
not really. seemed like nice kids. why?
just, nothing. i guess. i just thought they were supposed to... i don't know. nevermind.
hi, um, excuse me, can you show us where the copier is?
umm, sure. can i ask who you...
oh, yeah, sorry, hi. we're interning here this summer.
oh! really. really? lucky you. well, welcome. i'm mg. and you...?
i'm kwesi, and this is christopher.
cool. nice to meet you guys. come on down this way.
thanks.
right in here. sometimes you have to shut it off then wait a few minutes for it to warm up again. sometimes you have to do that two or three times. but it usually works eventually.
ok.
if that doesn't work, i usually kick it.
does that make it work?
well, it actually hasn't yet. but it makes me feel a little better. hmm. i feel like i'm already not setting such a good example for you guys. sorry. um, actually, maybe, don't kick anything.
got it.
oh, also, be careful. sometimes the machine gives off pretty heavy shocks. i don't think there's anything you can do about it, but just keep it in mind. lemme know if you need anything else, ok?
err, sure. thanks.
and, well, welcome to winkyshock.
umm, sure. can i ask who you...
oh, yeah, sorry, hi. we're interning here this summer.
oh! really. really? lucky you. well, welcome. i'm mg. and you...?
i'm kwesi, and this is christopher.
cool. nice to meet you guys. come on down this way.
thanks.
right in here. sometimes you have to shut it off then wait a few minutes for it to warm up again. sometimes you have to do that two or three times. but it usually works eventually.
ok.
if that doesn't work, i usually kick it.
does that make it work?
well, it actually hasn't yet. but it makes me feel a little better. hmm. i feel like i'm already not setting such a good example for you guys. sorry. um, actually, maybe, don't kick anything.
got it.
oh, also, be careful. sometimes the machine gives off pretty heavy shocks. i don't think there's anything you can do about it, but just keep it in mind. lemme know if you need anything else, ok?
err, sure. thanks.
and, well, welcome to winkyshock.
that's weird.
what is?
i just asked alana if nina was coming in today and she snapped "no"--
so far, so normal--
and she looked down and started to cry!
hmm, that is a little strange.
what is?
i just asked alana if nina was coming in today and she snapped "no"--
so far, so normal--
and she looked down and started to cry!
hmm, that is a little strange.
Monday, July 12, 2004
alana! are they here? the DARPS? did you speak with them?
no. yes. um, i spoke with them but they're not here yet.
are they coming? where are they?
yes. because of the short notice, i thought maybe they should go straight to the dinner. so i gave them the address info.
what? did you meet them? did you see them?
no, they're going straight to the dinner.
but you spoke to them?
yes.
and they were... diverse?
diverse?
alana! don't make me spell this out. this is a diversity augmentation program, supporting and keeping in line with our core values of equal opportunity and strength in our differences, multiple values in our varied cultures, many voices many viewpoints et cetera et cetera. so...?
ohhh. well, one is named kwesi--
good, good, she must be... ok, and the other?
his name is christopher--
hmmm.
but he's from guyana.
super, then. fabulous. the real thing. uh, guyana, that is in africa, isn't it?
um, sure. i think so.
wonderful. did you call my car? i'm off to the DRAD, with winkyshock's most diverse DARPs yet! congratulate me, all the other directors will be so jealous. guyana. jackpot! multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-bonus for moi! ha ha, how do you say "bonus" in african, i wonder?
no. yes. um, i spoke with them but they're not here yet.
are they coming? where are they?
yes. because of the short notice, i thought maybe they should go straight to the dinner. so i gave them the address info.
what? did you meet them? did you see them?
no, they're going straight to the dinner.
but you spoke to them?
yes.
and they were... diverse?
diverse?
alana! don't make me spell this out. this is a diversity augmentation program, supporting and keeping in line with our core values of equal opportunity and strength in our differences, multiple values in our varied cultures, many voices many viewpoints et cetera et cetera. so...?
ohhh. well, one is named kwesi--
good, good, she must be... ok, and the other?
his name is christopher--
hmmm.
but he's from guyana.
super, then. fabulous. the real thing. uh, guyana, that is in africa, isn't it?
um, sure. i think so.
wonderful. did you call my car? i'm off to the DRAD, with winkyshock's most diverse DARPs yet! congratulate me, all the other directors will be so jealous. guyana. jackpot! multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-bonus for moi! ha ha, how do you say "bonus" in african, i wonder?
roger! i need you to come in here a minute.
sure, nina. wow, you really got sunburned on my uncle's boat yesterday. but how sweet was that when--
roger! when we step into this office, your uncle and his boat cease to exist.
no, he's fine. he's right down the hall. i saw him.
it is a figure of speech. now, where are the darps? are they here? i need you to send them in.
oh, no. i don't think they're here. i didn't see them.
well? what did they say when you called them on friday?
oh! i was supposed to call them?
roger! could i have been any clearer?
i thought you were having alana do it.
i had planned to, but apparently she wasn't even here on friday. probably off doing some cocaine. we need them here for the dinner tonight! how will it look if we show up at the diversity recruitment augmentation dinner with no recruited diversity? we need our darps for the drad and we need them this minute. get alana in here! i obviously can't trust you with this. now!
'k. did you want me to pour the rest of your coffee into the bucket on the way out?
do you want to keep that hand? don't you think about touching my coffee!
ok, ok, it's just that everybody is supposed to--
everybody is not the director of the department. now, go.
sure, nina. wow, you really got sunburned on my uncle's boat yesterday. but how sweet was that when--
roger! when we step into this office, your uncle and his boat cease to exist.
no, he's fine. he's right down the hall. i saw him.
it is a figure of speech. now, where are the darps? are they here? i need you to send them in.
oh, no. i don't think they're here. i didn't see them.
well? what did they say when you called them on friday?
oh! i was supposed to call them?
roger! could i have been any clearer?
i thought you were having alana do it.
i had planned to, but apparently she wasn't even here on friday. probably off doing some cocaine. we need them here for the dinner tonight! how will it look if we show up at the diversity recruitment augmentation dinner with no recruited diversity? we need our darps for the drad and we need them this minute. get alana in here! i obviously can't trust you with this. now!
'k. did you want me to pour the rest of your coffee into the bucket on the way out?
do you want to keep that hand? don't you think about touching my coffee!
ok, ok, it's just that everybody is supposed to--
everybody is not the director of the department. now, go.
Friday, July 09, 2004
'sa matter, mg, caffeine withdrawal setting in?
please. i doubled up at lunch time.
you have that stunned, is-this-really-my-life slash i-just-saw-a-ghost kind of look.
funny you should say that. feel like the ghost of my sixth grade health teacher sneaked in somehow.
how's that?
nice lady, good enough kickball teacher, but she couldn't spell for jack. she used to warn us about the dangers of injecting "snack."
snack?
yep. she said that's what junkies called heroin. what did we know? we all believed it. if any of us ever did try to turn to a life of crime, we'd have been laughed right off the street corner when we tried to score anything. psst, hey, got any snack? a little cope?
maybe that was secretly her way of keeping you clean.
maybe she was a little burnt herself. anyway, looking at that train wreck of an email, i'm wondering if she left the junior high kids to fend off puberty for themselves, and found a better career as a corporate consultant.
hmm.
it kind of has her fingerprints all over it. she used to make anyone who chewed gum in class spit it out and squish it onto on the windowsill.
no way! that's gross. hmm. but for middle school kids, would probably want to make them try to chew more.
exactly. by the end of the year there was this giant wad. kids used to come from other grades to see it.
so you think people will come from other companies in the building to see our slop buckets of putrid coffee?
yep. we'll be famous for it. good lord, is this all some ridiculous joke?
they seem serious about it...
imagine if they put this much trouble into getting us all computers that worked right?
please. i doubled up at lunch time.
you have that stunned, is-this-really-my-life slash i-just-saw-a-ghost kind of look.
funny you should say that. feel like the ghost of my sixth grade health teacher sneaked in somehow.
how's that?
nice lady, good enough kickball teacher, but she couldn't spell for jack. she used to warn us about the dangers of injecting "snack."
snack?
yep. she said that's what junkies called heroin. what did we know? we all believed it. if any of us ever did try to turn to a life of crime, we'd have been laughed right off the street corner when we tried to score anything. psst, hey, got any snack? a little cope?
maybe that was secretly her way of keeping you clean.
maybe she was a little burnt herself. anyway, looking at that train wreck of an email, i'm wondering if she left the junior high kids to fend off puberty for themselves, and found a better career as a corporate consultant.
hmm.
it kind of has her fingerprints all over it. she used to make anyone who chewed gum in class spit it out and squish it onto on the windowsill.
no way! that's gross. hmm. but for middle school kids, would probably want to make them try to chew more.
exactly. by the end of the year there was this giant wad. kids used to come from other grades to see it.
so you think people will come from other companies in the building to see our slop buckets of putrid coffee?
yep. we'll be famous for it. good lord, is this all some ridiculous joke?
they seem serious about it...
imagine if they put this much trouble into getting us all computers that worked right?
roger! the darps! where are the darps?
what?
our interns are supposed to start today. where are they? you interviewed them, right?
well, i was waiting until we had enough.
enough? i'm sure the responses poured in. how many did you get out of those fifty you sent out?
um, two.
two? only two? why haven't i interviewed them? where are they? they need to be here! call them. the city-wide darp dinner is monday night, we've already bought seats at the table, and we can't show up there with no interns. get them on the phone and tell them they're starting today. emphasize to them that they should wear something nice. and that they start monday morning. do you know what you need to do?
um, sort of. so do they start--
roger! i can not have this get all-- get alana in here.
okay. i'm not sure. i'll see if she's--
don't see. get. now.
what?
our interns are supposed to start today. where are they? you interviewed them, right?
well, i was waiting until we had enough.
enough? i'm sure the responses poured in. how many did you get out of those fifty you sent out?
um, two.
two? only two? why haven't i interviewed them? where are they? they need to be here! call them. the city-wide darp dinner is monday night, we've already bought seats at the table, and we can't show up there with no interns. get them on the phone and tell them they're starting today. emphasize to them that they should wear something nice. and that they start monday morning. do you know what you need to do?
um, sort of. so do they start--
roger! i can not have this get all-- get alana in here.
okay. i'm not sure. i'll see if she's--
don't see. get. now.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
attention all employees:
we are pleased to announce the phase-in of the roll-out of "day 2" of our signature employee wellness program, "offee coffee."
"addict" is a word we aren't using with judgment (in this case) but with concern. after a series of consultations with various accredited consultants, management has been advised and realizes that asking a long-term addict to give up their "jones" cold turkey is akin to asking a football team to give up their quarterback. therefore, in a calculated maneuver, we have chosen to allow certain indiscretions to slip.
management is aware that some employees have fed the "monkeys" on their "backs" under the radar by drinking their "liquid life" out of thermoses, while others have flaunted our new guidelines indiscriminantly, despite the knowledge that they exist for their own benefit.
so we have divised a modified step-by-step plan, under the name of "step-off(ee) coffee". our consultanting team advised us that many addicts find that the first cup of the day is the hardest to cut out. instead of cutting it out, you will now be permitted to "step it down". going forward, employees may start drinking your "commuter crack" on the subway and outside the building. when you get to you're workspace, simply take whatever "paper cup cannibis" is leftover, and pour it into the receptacles that you'll find conveniently located in each connection lounge.* on the advice of our consultants, you will find that they are clearly designated. as the amount of stale coffee in them builds up over the course of the week, you will be clearly able to visualize all that sludge inside your body, and will realize the harm that we are preventing you from.
the take home message here is that as a corporation, winkyshock inc cares. we are here to help you help yourself come to the right answer to the question george michael asked in his hit song: do you love your "monkey" or do you love winky(shock)?
_______
*formerly "coffee room"
we are pleased to announce the phase-in of the roll-out of "day 2" of our signature employee wellness program, "offee coffee."
"addict" is a word we aren't using with judgment (in this case) but with concern. after a series of consultations with various accredited consultants, management has been advised and realizes that asking a long-term addict to give up their "jones" cold turkey is akin to asking a football team to give up their quarterback. therefore, in a calculated maneuver, we have chosen to allow certain indiscretions to slip.
management is aware that some employees have fed the "monkeys" on their "backs" under the radar by drinking their "liquid life" out of thermoses, while others have flaunted our new guidelines indiscriminantly, despite the knowledge that they exist for their own benefit.
so we have divised a modified step-by-step plan, under the name of "step-off(ee) coffee". our consultanting team advised us that many addicts find that the first cup of the day is the hardest to cut out. instead of cutting it out, you will now be permitted to "step it down". going forward, employees may start drinking your "commuter crack" on the subway and outside the building. when you get to you're workspace, simply take whatever "paper cup cannibis" is leftover, and pour it into the receptacles that you'll find conveniently located in each connection lounge.* on the advice of our consultants, you will find that they are clearly designated. as the amount of stale coffee in them builds up over the course of the week, you will be clearly able to visualize all that sludge inside your body, and will realize the harm that we are preventing you from.
the take home message here is that as a corporation, winkyshock inc cares. we are here to help you help yourself come to the right answer to the question george michael asked in his hit song: do you love your "monkey" or do you love winky(shock)?
_______
*formerly "coffee room"
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
am i hallucinating, or is there a bucket labeled "amnesty" in the coffee room?
is there? i didn't go in there yet. good morning, by the way.
sorry. good morning, jay. how are you. but there is a bucket labeled "amnesty" in the coffee room. i can't even begin to parse what that might be supposed to mean.
is there? i didn't go in there yet. good morning, by the way.
sorry. good morning, jay. how are you. but there is a bucket labeled "amnesty" in the coffee room. i can't even begin to parse what that might be supposed to mean.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
hey, mg, you didn't come in this weekend, did you?
no... why? did you?
no, no. of course not. but i just got this email, 'thank you to all of you who made the winkyshock annual 4th--
please tell me it's spelled 'f-o-r-t-h?'
bingo-- 'of july fireworks party an "explosive"'--
in quotes?
of course -- 'success.' did we have a party?
hm. first i heard of it. jay, don't tell me you're sad you missed an office party?
nah. but doesn't it seem odd that we didn't hear about it? and that they even had a party?
lemme see the message? it almost sounds vaguely familiar. hmm. spectacular views... accounting department's unsurpassed barbecue skills... bizarre. closest thing to a view of fireworks here was the time that restaurant's kitchen caught fire in the next building. i think that was right before you started working here.
not sure how much you could see from our fourth through eighth floors. so what's with the email?
this must be talking about the party two years ago at the old building. they used to let people up on the roof for like fifteen minutes for the fireworks and the parades.
strange. wonder why we'd be getting this now?
probably the boss's admin got overenthusiastic with the time delay auto-send feature and set this up to send itself out every fifth of july. efficiency crops up where you least expect it sometimes.
hmm. that would explain why i keep getting those 'thanks for givng blood' notes--
i didn't know you gave blood!
i didn't.
bet it kind of makes you wish your account still wasn't working. we could make a fortune with that idiot-filter idea.
no... why? did you?
no, no. of course not. but i just got this email, 'thank you to all of you who made the winkyshock annual 4th--
please tell me it's spelled 'f-o-r-t-h?'
bingo-- 'of july fireworks party an "explosive"'--
in quotes?
of course -- 'success.' did we have a party?
hm. first i heard of it. jay, don't tell me you're sad you missed an office party?
nah. but doesn't it seem odd that we didn't hear about it? and that they even had a party?
lemme see the message? it almost sounds vaguely familiar. hmm. spectacular views... accounting department's unsurpassed barbecue skills... bizarre. closest thing to a view of fireworks here was the time that restaurant's kitchen caught fire in the next building. i think that was right before you started working here.
not sure how much you could see from our fourth through eighth floors. so what's with the email?
this must be talking about the party two years ago at the old building. they used to let people up on the roof for like fifteen minutes for the fireworks and the parades.
strange. wonder why we'd be getting this now?
probably the boss's admin got overenthusiastic with the time delay auto-send feature and set this up to send itself out every fifth of july. efficiency crops up where you least expect it sometimes.
hmm. that would explain why i keep getting those 'thanks for givng blood' notes--
i didn't know you gave blood!
i didn't.
bet it kind of makes you wish your account still wasn't working. we could make a fortune with that idiot-filter idea.
Friday, July 02, 2004
alana! come in here a minute. oh, and would you be a darling and bring me a cup of coffee? you know how i like it.
three sugars, skim milk.
of course. oh, you are an absolute angel. now. where in the hell did all those pencils come from in the copy room?
the pencils? i don't know. vin mentioned something, i think he might have ordered them. they're kind of pretty.
pretty? who ever promised anyone pretty office supplies? office supplies are to supply the office, not to make it "pretty." we have carefully chosen framed prints on the wall for that. we get manicures to keep our surroundings pretty. and we don't need pencils, pretty or otherwise. no one uses them. i want you to get him to send them back and exchange them for black pens.
all black pens?
yes. and not the clicky ones. the sound of everyone click, click, clicking their pens all day long is enough to drive me insane.
nina, um, he already sharpened them. i'm not sure they'll take them back.
and that's another thing! did you see the points on those things? the last thing we need is another incident. no, the pencils will go, one way or the other.
ok, i'll tell him. but i don't think he'll be happy.
alana, we are not here to make each other happy. now, be a dove and get me another packet of sugar?
three sugars, skim milk.
of course. oh, you are an absolute angel. now. where in the hell did all those pencils come from in the copy room?
the pencils? i don't know. vin mentioned something, i think he might have ordered them. they're kind of pretty.
pretty? who ever promised anyone pretty office supplies? office supplies are to supply the office, not to make it "pretty." we have carefully chosen framed prints on the wall for that. we get manicures to keep our surroundings pretty. and we don't need pencils, pretty or otherwise. no one uses them. i want you to get him to send them back and exchange them for black pens.
all black pens?
yes. and not the clicky ones. the sound of everyone click, click, clicking their pens all day long is enough to drive me insane.
nina, um, he already sharpened them. i'm not sure they'll take them back.
and that's another thing! did you see the points on those things? the last thing we need is another incident. no, the pencils will go, one way or the other.
ok, i'll tell him. but i don't think he'll be happy.
alana, we are not here to make each other happy. now, be a dove and get me another packet of sugar?
Thursday, July 01, 2004
vin, what are you doing still here?
oh, mg, wouldn't we both like to know? i don't know why i start these things, this always happens. but once i start a little project, i just can't put it down until it's all done.
what's your project?
you know, every time i saw those yellow pencils standing there in the pencil cup i was automatically like school bus, warning sign, pedestrian crossing - stress, stress, stress! so i thought it would be better for the energy in here if we got more soothing pencils.
hm.
so i ordered these beautiful robin's egg blue ones. they're also a slightly softer lead, so you don't have to fight with them like you do with a number two. besides, number two pencils are all junior high school and SATs and fill in the circle clearly and completely. i wanted something that wouldn't make us feel like we were struggling with a standardized test all the time.
so are the pencils keeping you here til seven?
well, i wanted to replace them right away, of course. but there isn't any point - no pun - in putting them out unsharpened. so of course i started to sharpen them. but the electric sharpener overheats if you do more than two in a row, and it chews the third one all to pieces and starts to make that burning wood shavings sort of smell. which stings my eyes. so, see? i'm sharpening them by hand.
with a boxcutter?
it's all i could find. it's havoc on the tendons in my wrist, but i think it will be worth it when everyone starts using the new pencils and they start to bring more a calm and focused energy into our space.
vin, i don't think anyone here even-- yeah. um, thank you, vin. don't stay too late, ok?
oh, mg, wouldn't we both like to know? i don't know why i start these things, this always happens. but once i start a little project, i just can't put it down until it's all done.
what's your project?
you know, every time i saw those yellow pencils standing there in the pencil cup i was automatically like school bus, warning sign, pedestrian crossing - stress, stress, stress! so i thought it would be better for the energy in here if we got more soothing pencils.
hm.
so i ordered these beautiful robin's egg blue ones. they're also a slightly softer lead, so you don't have to fight with them like you do with a number two. besides, number two pencils are all junior high school and SATs and fill in the circle clearly and completely. i wanted something that wouldn't make us feel like we were struggling with a standardized test all the time.
so are the pencils keeping you here til seven?
well, i wanted to replace them right away, of course. but there isn't any point - no pun - in putting them out unsharpened. so of course i started to sharpen them. but the electric sharpener overheats if you do more than two in a row, and it chews the third one all to pieces and starts to make that burning wood shavings sort of smell. which stings my eyes. so, see? i'm sharpening them by hand.
with a boxcutter?
it's all i could find. it's havoc on the tendons in my wrist, but i think it will be worth it when everyone starts using the new pencils and they start to bring more a calm and focused energy into our space.
vin, i don't think anyone here even-- yeah. um, thank you, vin. don't stay too late, ok?
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