Tuesday, November 30, 2004
mg, i have a surprise for you!
oh. hi, joanne.
get ready to 'give thanks!' oh, no, no, i'm just kidding around, you don't have to thank me. but i think you will! ta-da!
tin foil?
no, no, silly! open it up!
oh!
see? i knew you'd be surprised! we had leftover food at thanksgiving, so i thought, now who could use a little something extra? why, mg! so i just wrapped up all that turkey and ham and brought it right over to you! actually, i brought it yesterday, but i forgot it was in my bag all day.
wow, joanne. you, um, shouldn't have.
now dear, no need to thank me! it makes me feel good to know i'm helping someone less fortunate. and in my very own office! because what was it you said you were eating for thanksgiving all alone? dobergi?
um, tofurkey.
right, right. same difference. anyway, enjoy!
oh. hi, joanne.
get ready to 'give thanks!' oh, no, no, i'm just kidding around, you don't have to thank me. but i think you will! ta-da!
tin foil?
no, no, silly! open it up!
oh!
see? i knew you'd be surprised! we had leftover food at thanksgiving, so i thought, now who could use a little something extra? why, mg! so i just wrapped up all that turkey and ham and brought it right over to you! actually, i brought it yesterday, but i forgot it was in my bag all day.
wow, joanne. you, um, shouldn't have.
now dear, no need to thank me! it makes me feel good to know i'm helping someone less fortunate. and in my very own office! because what was it you said you were eating for thanksgiving all alone? dobergi?
um, tofurkey.
right, right. same difference. anyway, enjoy!
Monday, November 29, 2004
oh, excuse me, could you please check if there was any-- christopher?
oh. yeah. hi, mg.
christopher, what are you doing--
back here?
--in a mail uniform?
i got a job in the mail room. after you kicked me off the DARP program.
that's great! i--. now, wait, christopher, i did not kick you off the program. i'm really sorry about the way everything ended, but it wasn't my fault.
of course not. nothing's anybody's fault. no one ever takes responsibility for anything around here. actually, i think it was you who pointed that out to me and kwesi when we still had our internship.
well, what i meant was, well. look, i am sorry. but your program was over and--
and you were pissed off and took it out on us. i totally understand. this is actually better. i get paid now, and we mostly just listen to music down in the basement while we sort the mail. so, yeah.
i really am sorry, christopher. i wanted to apologize but by the time i went back--
they had actually already escorted us out. yeah. no problem.
ok, well. i'm glad there's no hard feelings. i felt really bad about it all. so, what i wanted to ask was, i've been expecting a really important piece of mail from the water delivery company. have you seen it, by any chance?
important mail for you? it's funny. i actually don't remember seeing anything for you at all.
oh. yeah. hi, mg.
christopher, what are you doing--
back here?
--in a mail uniform?
i got a job in the mail room. after you kicked me off the DARP program.
that's great! i--. now, wait, christopher, i did not kick you off the program. i'm really sorry about the way everything ended, but it wasn't my fault.
of course not. nothing's anybody's fault. no one ever takes responsibility for anything around here. actually, i think it was you who pointed that out to me and kwesi when we still had our internship.
well, what i meant was, well. look, i am sorry. but your program was over and--
and you were pissed off and took it out on us. i totally understand. this is actually better. i get paid now, and we mostly just listen to music down in the basement while we sort the mail. so, yeah.
i really am sorry, christopher. i wanted to apologize but by the time i went back--
they had actually already escorted us out. yeah. no problem.
ok, well. i'm glad there's no hard feelings. i felt really bad about it all. so, what i wanted to ask was, i've been expecting a really important piece of mail from the water delivery company. have you seen it, by any chance?
important mail for you? it's funny. i actually don't remember seeing anything for you at all.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
yeah, joanne, i'm going to my family's place. my boyfriend was going to come, too, but then at the last minute, they put him on duty. life of a cop! he says he's really sorry he's missing it, though.
of course he is. well, leah, i am so glad you'll be with your family. not everyone is going home, you know.
yeah?
i shouldn't talk about people, but you know, i'm just worried.
of course. it's not like it's gossip if it's because you're worried. who?
poor mg, she must have problems with her family.
her? that wouldn't be the only thing, would it?
she said she's staying here alone for thanksgiving, and making some kind of weird food.
figures. what was it?
well, i couldn't make out what it was. dofergi? maybe it's middle eastern?
ew. i'm going to have leftover turkey with my boyfriend the next day. thanksgiving isn't a time to eat weird food.
i don't know. but i do know, at this rate, in another generation, there won't be any good american thanksgiving dinners at all! this is just the kind of thing that's tearing the american family apart, you know. i think i'll bring her some leftover turkey on monday. maybe it will help, you know? well, get home safe.
you, too. have a good one.
of course he is. well, leah, i am so glad you'll be with your family. not everyone is going home, you know.
yeah?
i shouldn't talk about people, but you know, i'm just worried.
of course. it's not like it's gossip if it's because you're worried. who?
poor mg, she must have problems with her family.
her? that wouldn't be the only thing, would it?
she said she's staying here alone for thanksgiving, and making some kind of weird food.
figures. what was it?
well, i couldn't make out what it was. dofergi? maybe it's middle eastern?
ew. i'm going to have leftover turkey with my boyfriend the next day. thanksgiving isn't a time to eat weird food.
i don't know. but i do know, at this rate, in another generation, there won't be any good american thanksgiving dinners at all! this is just the kind of thing that's tearing the american family apart, you know. i think i'll bring her some leftover turkey on monday. maybe it will help, you know? well, get home safe.
you, too. have a good one.
now, mg, when are you heading to your family's place for thanksgiving?
oh, joanne, hi. i'm actually not going home.
not going home! but it's thanksgiving!
i know. it's pretty far, though. i'm just going to stick around here.
but you'll miss thanksgiving dinner! the turkey, the stuffing!
yeah, i'm vegetarian, though, and it always turns into a whole huge production about what i can eat, and since i can't eat turkey, it's just as well. i'm just going to relax.
but that's just awful! how can they not give you turkey on thanksgiving?
no, no, they do make turkey, i just can't eat it.
but, my goodness, what will you eat, then?
i'll just make myself something like always. maybe a little tofurkey to stay in the spirit.
well, i am so sorry to hear that.
it's fine, really. i'll enjoy a day off without having to fight all the traffic.
well.... ok. i'd invite you over to my own house if it weren't so, you know. well. but i do worry, you know.
thanks, joanne. i'll be fine.
oh, joanne, hi. i'm actually not going home.
not going home! but it's thanksgiving!
i know. it's pretty far, though. i'm just going to stick around here.
but you'll miss thanksgiving dinner! the turkey, the stuffing!
yeah, i'm vegetarian, though, and it always turns into a whole huge production about what i can eat, and since i can't eat turkey, it's just as well. i'm just going to relax.
but that's just awful! how can they not give you turkey on thanksgiving?
no, no, they do make turkey, i just can't eat it.
but, my goodness, what will you eat, then?
i'll just make myself something like always. maybe a little tofurkey to stay in the spirit.
well, i am so sorry to hear that.
it's fine, really. i'll enjoy a day off without having to fight all the traffic.
well.... ok. i'd invite you over to my own house if it weren't so, you know. well. but i do worry, you know.
thanks, joanne. i'll be fine.
attention all employees:
we'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a safe and happy thanksgiving. as part of our own way of showing "thanks," and "giving" back, management is pleased to extend the opportunity to all employees to leave the office early today in order to take advantage of what's really important. namely, time spent with loved ones and also family.
therefore, all non-essential employees are welcome to leave today at 4:30, to get a head start on "stuffing" the holiday with fun. employees whose primary responsibilities include answering the phone, delivering the mail, anwering technical questions, or maintaining the infrastructure will of course be asked to remain as per usual for an "extra helping" of contributing to the work place. the management here at winkyshock, inc. sincerely hopes you "relish" this little serving of "office gravy." gobble gobble!
we'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a safe and happy thanksgiving. as part of our own way of showing "thanks," and "giving" back, management is pleased to extend the opportunity to all employees to leave the office early today in order to take advantage of what's really important. namely, time spent with loved ones and also family.
therefore, all non-essential employees are welcome to leave today at 4:30, to get a head start on "stuffing" the holiday with fun. employees whose primary responsibilities include answering the phone, delivering the mail, anwering technical questions, or maintaining the infrastructure will of course be asked to remain as per usual for an "extra helping" of contributing to the work place. the management here at winkyshock, inc. sincerely hopes you "relish" this little serving of "office gravy." gobble gobble!
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
leah. here you go.
i'm sorry? do i know you?
um, i'm just delivering the mail.
but my name. how did you know my name?
actually, i did some work for you before.
work? you're a mail clerk but you did some work for me?
interning. i was actually an intern here. christopher. i put together that office directory for you?
hm.
the one on the little card, remember?
huh. not really. i didn't know interns delivered mail.
the DARP program ended, actually, and i got a full time job in the mailroom.
ok, that's fine. whatever. just put it down over there. no, under the teddy bear! not in front of it!
i'm sorry? do i know you?
um, i'm just delivering the mail.
but my name. how did you know my name?
actually, i did some work for you before.
work? you're a mail clerk but you did some work for me?
interning. i was actually an intern here. christopher. i put together that office directory for you?
hm.
the one on the little card, remember?
huh. not really. i didn't know interns delivered mail.
the DARP program ended, actually, and i got a full time job in the mailroom.
ok, that's fine. whatever. just put it down over there. no, under the teddy bear! not in front of it!
Monday, November 22, 2004
hey, mg, how's the water forecast?
chance of imminent precipitation low to none. employees are advised to stock up on individual beverage supplies for the foreseeable future.
that good, huh? what happened?
ugh. i went round and round with them on the phone, i had to call back twice, and they finally said they'd mail the account information, and after i signed and returned it, then they could 'proceed to explore our delivery options.'
mail? like, postal mail?
yup. i asked if they could email it, but they said it needed a signature. i said they could email it, i'd print it out and sign it, but no dice. they don't have an electronic version.
why can't they fax the stuff?
right? 'why can't you fax the stuff?' i asked. and they can't because -- try to follow along on their complicated rationale -- it's not their policy.
wow. so what are you gonna do?
what can i do? just wait for the mail, i guess.
that's a bummer.
i was pissed off at first. but now it's kind of fun. after all the time i spend waiting for emails and phone calls, it makes me feel like a... pioneer.
yeah?
sure. like little house on the prairie. like i'm waiting for a plucky young cowboy on the pony express to fight his way across the harsh, windswept plains--
to your cubicle on the 17th floor. glad you're keeping a positive attitude, at least.
i don't know if it's 'positive' so much as 'completely beyond caring.'
chance of imminent precipitation low to none. employees are advised to stock up on individual beverage supplies for the foreseeable future.
that good, huh? what happened?
ugh. i went round and round with them on the phone, i had to call back twice, and they finally said they'd mail the account information, and after i signed and returned it, then they could 'proceed to explore our delivery options.'
mail? like, postal mail?
yup. i asked if they could email it, but they said it needed a signature. i said they could email it, i'd print it out and sign it, but no dice. they don't have an electronic version.
why can't they fax the stuff?
right? 'why can't you fax the stuff?' i asked. and they can't because -- try to follow along on their complicated rationale -- it's not their policy.
wow. so what are you gonna do?
what can i do? just wait for the mail, i guess.
that's a bummer.
i was pissed off at first. but now it's kind of fun. after all the time i spend waiting for emails and phone calls, it makes me feel like a... pioneer.
yeah?
sure. like little house on the prairie. like i'm waiting for a plucky young cowboy on the pony express to fight his way across the harsh, windswept plains--
to your cubicle on the 17th floor. glad you're keeping a positive attitude, at least.
i don't know if it's 'positive' so much as 'completely beyond caring.'
Friday, November 19, 2004
hi, i'm calling from winkyshock to see if we can get our next delivery moved up?
winkyshock. um, i don't know our account number.
um, i'm not sure what the name on the account would be. nobody seems to be sure who handled it, but we're clients of yours. can you look it up by our company name?
hm. can you look it up by our phone number?
well, i've never called before, so i'm sure my social security number wouldn't help.
no, i don't actually know who made the arrangements. but we get water deliveries from you every month and--
right. but we'd like to get our next delivery earlier.
well, we've just gone through all the water faster than normal.
as soon as possible. monday would be teriffic, if it's too late today.
no, i'm sorry, i don't have the account number.
i'm the, um, administrative coordinator. so from now on it will be me, and you could put my name down for future reference, but like i said, i'm not sure what name you'd have in your records now.
well, we have a water cooler and a bunch of empty tanks with your company's name on them. so i can only assume that it comes from you.
subcontractors? oh. do you have a number for them?
how can i tell which of those is the one that delivers for us?
but i don't know our account number. so i can't look at the first three digits.
call all of them?
look, we just need our water. they set our heaters too high and the tap water tastes like rust. is there any other information i could give you that would help us track this down?
right. i mean aside from the account number.
you can't-- hello?
winkyshock. um, i don't know our account number.
um, i'm not sure what the name on the account would be. nobody seems to be sure who handled it, but we're clients of yours. can you look it up by our company name?
hm. can you look it up by our phone number?
well, i've never called before, so i'm sure my social security number wouldn't help.
no, i don't actually know who made the arrangements. but we get water deliveries from you every month and--
right. but we'd like to get our next delivery earlier.
well, we've just gone through all the water faster than normal.
as soon as possible. monday would be teriffic, if it's too late today.
no, i'm sorry, i don't have the account number.
i'm the, um, administrative coordinator. so from now on it will be me, and you could put my name down for future reference, but like i said, i'm not sure what name you'd have in your records now.
well, we have a water cooler and a bunch of empty tanks with your company's name on them. so i can only assume that it comes from you.
subcontractors? oh. do you have a number for them?
how can i tell which of those is the one that delivers for us?
but i don't know our account number. so i can't look at the first three digits.
call all of them?
look, we just need our water. they set our heaters too high and the tap water tastes like rust. is there any other information i could give you that would help us track this down?
right. i mean aside from the account number.
you can't-- hello?
Thursday, November 18, 2004
whoa! easy there, slugger! throwing styrofoam cups at it isn't going to make it magically refill.
how bout if i kick it?
mg, you can't get so upset about the stupid watercooler. why don't you just look up the name of the company online?
how am i supposed to know the name of the water delivery company if nobody here knows who it is? why am i even involved in this? how is this a promotion for godsake? jay, how come nobody knows anything?
easy, girl. how about, look at this. there's a name right on the tank. we could look that up.
oh. that is a good idea. oh my god, jay, look.
what?
do you think this 800 hundred number that's right here on the side of the machine would help?
there's a phone number on it?
yep. after all this trouble. right here. 'for sales or service.'
well, there you go. that's great!
great, my ass. i've been running around for three days trying to find this damn number and it was right here? this is bullshit.
sheesh, you are a mystery. most people would be happy about finding the number. ow, hey! don't throw the cups at me!
how bout if i kick it?
mg, you can't get so upset about the stupid watercooler. why don't you just look up the name of the company online?
how am i supposed to know the name of the water delivery company if nobody here knows who it is? why am i even involved in this? how is this a promotion for godsake? jay, how come nobody knows anything?
easy, girl. how about, look at this. there's a name right on the tank. we could look that up.
oh. that is a good idea. oh my god, jay, look.
what?
do you think this 800 hundred number that's right here on the side of the machine would help?
there's a phone number on it?
yep. after all this trouble. right here. 'for sales or service.'
well, there you go. that's great!
great, my ass. i've been running around for three days trying to find this damn number and it was right here? this is bullshit.
sheesh, you are a mystery. most people would be happy about finding the number. ow, hey! don't throw the cups at me!
hey, vinnie, can i ask you something?
of course you can. just give me one second here. and, voila! what do you think? do you love it?
oh. wow. you really went to town there.
i had to. i couldn't stand to look at all this beige, beige, blah for another minute.
you must have used five packs of post-it notes!
six. but it is so worth it. i started off by just sticking them around the edges of my monitor, but it looked so much better that i started on the phone. i had to use tape around the curvy parts. then i thought, why stop there, you know?
so you did your entire desk.
it's so much more soothing this way, in pastels. when the next office supplies shipment comes in, i'm going to do the cubicle walls. if i can figure out how to make them stick to the cloth.
good luck. oh, so that reminds me. you order the office supplies--
and thank god. if it was still up to that accounts payable guy, we'd all be using black bic pens and writing on acid green notepads.
true enough. do you order the water, too?
order water? oh, no. i think that's automatic. they set it up a long time ago. it just comes at the beginning of the month.
well, we ran out early somehow, and i'm supposed to get more.
oh, i don't know. i don't know what to tell you. can you just call... i don't know. did you ask nina?
alana said not to bother her about it. i guess dealing with the watercooler is beneath her.
oh, right. she's probably afraid that if she gets near water she'll start melting.
of course you can. just give me one second here. and, voila! what do you think? do you love it?
oh. wow. you really went to town there.
i had to. i couldn't stand to look at all this beige, beige, blah for another minute.
you must have used five packs of post-it notes!
six. but it is so worth it. i started off by just sticking them around the edges of my monitor, but it looked so much better that i started on the phone. i had to use tape around the curvy parts. then i thought, why stop there, you know?
so you did your entire desk.
it's so much more soothing this way, in pastels. when the next office supplies shipment comes in, i'm going to do the cubicle walls. if i can figure out how to make them stick to the cloth.
good luck. oh, so that reminds me. you order the office supplies--
and thank god. if it was still up to that accounts payable guy, we'd all be using black bic pens and writing on acid green notepads.
true enough. do you order the water, too?
order water? oh, no. i think that's automatic. they set it up a long time ago. it just comes at the beginning of the month.
well, we ran out early somehow, and i'm supposed to get more.
oh, i don't know. i don't know what to tell you. can you just call... i don't know. did you ask nina?
alana said not to bother her about it. i guess dealing with the watercooler is beneath her.
oh, right. she's probably afraid that if she gets near water she'll start melting.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
jay, help me.
what's up, lady?
who the hell orders the water here?
um, let's see. nobody?
har, har. seriously. who's supposed to?
well, i heard some people saying that you were supposed to. they didn't sound happy about it, either.
well, that makes a few of us. apparently, it's my job as of, like, this second. but who did it up til now?
i don't know, the office manager? it sounds like an office manager type of job.
i thought so, too. but who's our office manager?
good question. isn't that sort of what alana is?
you might think. but apparently not. she's an 'administrative facilitator' or something.
huh. and the watercooler isn't one of the things she facilitates.
apparently not.
well, vinnie orders the office supplies, right?
oh, yeah, that's right. as the lavender post-it notes attest. remember when nina made him return all those pretty brushed steel pencil holders? poor guy. good call. i'll check with him.
so, what do you think alana does facilitate, by the way?
besides my smoking and my therapist's bill? couldn't say, offhand.
what's up, lady?
who the hell orders the water here?
um, let's see. nobody?
har, har. seriously. who's supposed to?
well, i heard some people saying that you were supposed to. they didn't sound happy about it, either.
well, that makes a few of us. apparently, it's my job as of, like, this second. but who did it up til now?
i don't know, the office manager? it sounds like an office manager type of job.
i thought so, too. but who's our office manager?
good question. isn't that sort of what alana is?
you might think. but apparently not. she's an 'administrative facilitator' or something.
huh. and the watercooler isn't one of the things she facilitates.
apparently not.
well, vinnie orders the office supplies, right?
oh, yeah, that's right. as the lavender post-it notes attest. remember when nina made him return all those pretty brushed steel pencil holders? poor guy. good call. i'll check with him.
so, what do you think alana does facilitate, by the way?
besides my smoking and my therapist's bill? couldn't say, offhand.
mg. there's no water.
i noticed, alana. it's really ridiculous.
well. you're supposed to take care of it.
oh, i did. i have a few bottles of dasani under my desk.
no. i mean, you're supposed to take care of it for everyone.
everyone? alana, i can't buy bottles of water for everyone!
no! you are supposed to take care of the watercooler! it's your responsibility.
what? since when? says who?
says nina. aren't you the administrative coordinator?
no? i'm an administrative assistant. oh. wait, yeah. i guess i am now. but nobody said i was supposed to--
well, you are.
ok, well, what am i supposed to do? is there a number to call?
i don't know. nina says that's your job to figure it out. maybe if you spent less time instant messaging, you'd know what your own job was.
what was that?
nothing. i just said you're supposed to figure it out.
i noticed, alana. it's really ridiculous.
well. you're supposed to take care of it.
oh, i did. i have a few bottles of dasani under my desk.
no. i mean, you're supposed to take care of it for everyone.
everyone? alana, i can't buy bottles of water for everyone!
no! you are supposed to take care of the watercooler! it's your responsibility.
what? since when? says who?
says nina. aren't you the administrative coordinator?
no? i'm an administrative assistant. oh. wait, yeah. i guess i am now. but nobody said i was supposed to--
well, you are.
ok, well, what am i supposed to do? is there a number to call?
i don't know. nina says that's your job to figure it out. maybe if you spent less time instant messaging, you'd know what your own job was.
what was that?
nothing. i just said you're supposed to figure it out.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
mg, why are you drinking that?
because it's 85 degrees in here and i'm thirsty.
but don't you think it's weird?
do i think it's weird that my company can't manage to keep its watercooler full of water? yes.
no! i mean, don't you think that bottle of water is weird?
roger, not unless you're referring to the corporatization and commodification of what was previously considered a freely available resource. which i imagine you're not.
uh, no. i mean, that's water, right?
hope so.
but -- did you know, it's made by pepsi?
it's distributed by coke, but yeah.
see! it's a soda company, but they're selling water!
so?
so. it's freaky. who knows what they're putting in it? if they're used to making soda, do you really think they'd sell something that didn't have anything in it? i'll stick to soda.
ok.
yeah. at least i know exactly what's in that.
because it's 85 degrees in here and i'm thirsty.
but don't you think it's weird?
do i think it's weird that my company can't manage to keep its watercooler full of water? yes.
no! i mean, don't you think that bottle of water is weird?
roger, not unless you're referring to the corporatization and commodification of what was previously considered a freely available resource. which i imagine you're not.
uh, no. i mean, that's water, right?
hope so.
but -- did you know, it's made by pepsi?
it's distributed by coke, but yeah.
see! it's a soda company, but they're selling water!
so?
so. it's freaky. who knows what they're putting in it? if they're used to making soda, do you really think they'd sell something that didn't have anything in it? i'll stick to soda.
ok.
yeah. at least i know exactly what's in that.
nina, i just wanted to tell you that there's no more water.
you wanted to tell me?
yes. all the jugs are empty.
and i'm supposed to... ?
sorry, i just thought you would maybe want to order more or, i don't know. i don't know who does it.
alana, does ordering water seem like something i would maybe want to do?
well, i didn't mean that you should, i just meant--
you meant that somebody should.
right.
and you are absolutely correct. somebody should. and it doesn't seem to be you, and it certainly isn't me. hmm. i think this must be a job for the newest addition to our happy family. go tell mg to get on it right away, and that, going forward, this will now be her responsibility.
ok.
also, pass along that i'd like to see some accountability for why she didn't take care of this sooner.
you wanted to tell me?
yes. all the jugs are empty.
and i'm supposed to... ?
sorry, i just thought you would maybe want to order more or, i don't know. i don't know who does it.
alana, does ordering water seem like something i would maybe want to do?
well, i didn't mean that you should, i just meant--
you meant that somebody should.
right.
and you are absolutely correct. somebody should. and it doesn't seem to be you, and it certainly isn't me. hmm. i think this must be a job for the newest addition to our happy family. go tell mg to get on it right away, and that, going forward, this will now be her responsibility.
ok.
also, pass along that i'd like to see some accountability for why she didn't take care of this sooner.
Monday, November 15, 2004
ooh, leah, it's like you've got a whole entire flower garden here.
i know, isn't it amazing, joanne? these are the flowers my boyfriend sent me last week.
my goodness, it looks like he sent some every day!
well, not everyday, but i break them up into separate vases for more of an effect.
well, they are just lovely. that reminds me, it makes me think of when i used to have a beau who sent me flowers at work. but then, those flowers, they always died right away. i wonder, they must put something on them nowadays that makes them last longer.
you know what it is, joanne? i have a trick. i refill each of these vases every single day. i dump them all out and refill them all with water from the water cooler every morning and sometimes again in the afternoon. my boyfriend says i should have nothing but the best, and i think the flowers he sends should have only the best, too. i wouldn't drink tap water, so why should my flowers?
oh, spring water! what a wonderful idea. also, maybe since there's no sunlight getting in here to make them fade, i wonder if that just helps them last longer, too. whatever it is, you sure must be doing something right!
i know, isn't it amazing, joanne? these are the flowers my boyfriend sent me last week.
my goodness, it looks like he sent some every day!
well, not everyday, but i break them up into separate vases for more of an effect.
well, they are just lovely. that reminds me, it makes me think of when i used to have a beau who sent me flowers at work. but then, those flowers, they always died right away. i wonder, they must put something on them nowadays that makes them last longer.
you know what it is, joanne? i have a trick. i refill each of these vases every single day. i dump them all out and refill them all with water from the water cooler every morning and sometimes again in the afternoon. my boyfriend says i should have nothing but the best, and i think the flowers he sends should have only the best, too. i wouldn't drink tap water, so why should my flowers?
oh, spring water! what a wonderful idea. also, maybe since there's no sunlight getting in here to make them fade, i wonder if that just helps them last longer, too. whatever it is, you sure must be doing something right!
Friday, November 12, 2004
ugh. why is there no water? why does it keep running out?
yeah, i was wondering, too. it's been disappearing fast.
jay, it's too hot in here to have nothing to drink.
i know. i think there's soda in the fridge.
really?
let's see. diet pepsi with lemon. weird, it's still warm, though. must have just put it in.
bleh. that shit tastes like dish soap even when it's cold.
maybe it tastes better warm.
maybe i'll just drink the dish soap.
yeah, i was wondering, too. it's been disappearing fast.
jay, it's too hot in here to have nothing to drink.
i know. i think there's soda in the fridge.
really?
let's see. diet pepsi with lemon. weird, it's still warm, though. must have just put it in.
bleh. that shit tastes like dish soap even when it's cold.
maybe it tastes better warm.
maybe i'll just drink the dish soap.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
now explain this to me again? because i was up too late watching that public access show, the one with the drag queen, where they go look for closeted guys at the gay bars? i used to know her. and i love when the guys are like, 'hey yo, i'm just here for my buddy's birthday!' mm hmm. of course you are, sweetie. so tell me again what happened?
well, i got this stupid promotion.
that's fabulous!
but listen. it's not really a promotion. i get a different title and probably more work, but no more money.
oh. despicable. a chinese promotion.
vinnie! a what? you can't say that!
sure i can.
but it's offensive!
look, because i can call myself a fag. so i have a permanent get-out-of-PC free card.
i'm not sure it works like that.
queenie faggy fag. see? i'm not offended at saying that about myself or if other people say it, so really, i can say whatever. see?
hmm. but i can't.
sure you can. if you're with me.
well, in that case, i think it's a mexican promotion. maybe you were thinking of a chinese fire drill?
well, i got this stupid promotion.
that's fabulous!
but listen. it's not really a promotion. i get a different title and probably more work, but no more money.
oh. despicable. a chinese promotion.
vinnie! a what? you can't say that!
sure i can.
but it's offensive!
look, because i can call myself a fag. so i have a permanent get-out-of-PC free card.
i'm not sure it works like that.
queenie faggy fag. see? i'm not offended at saying that about myself or if other people say it, so really, i can say whatever. see?
hmm. but i can't.
sure you can. if you're with me.
well, in that case, i think it's a mexican promotion. maybe you were thinking of a chinese fire drill?
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
i need you to come in here a minute, mg.
sure.
you can go ahead and close the door. now. i understand you had an interaction with the, what was it? SARPs? DARPs?
yes, the DARPs. i know. but i can ex--
right. i understand that you made the decision, on your own, to let them go?
well, i didn't really mean--
let me just slice to the crust of the issue. you do not have the authority to dismiss any employee. or, last time i checked, for that matter, to hire any employee, promote any employee, reassign any employee's seating arrangement, or so much as comment on any employee's choice of cubicle decoration.
i know, i really--
now. having said that. those GARPs were not employees. frankly, they never should have been here in the first place. how they stayed as long as they did remains a mystery to me. i don't think i have to explain what a difficult position it would put me in to have to ask them to leave, from a diversity standpoint. even though they weren't technically, well, you know. i suppose it's the way they keep shifting the definitions - maybe they were gay or something. anyway, the whole situation was just complicated. so, what i am trying to say is, thank you.
thank... me?
yes. quite unexpectedly, you showed initiative in tackling a difficult problem and, frankly, cleared away a headache that's been dangling over the department for some time. i discussed this with your supervisor, and we decided that you've earned advancement.
advancement?
yes. from now on, you will be an administrative coordinator. and you'll report to me as well as to your current supervisor.
oh. wow.
i'm sure it will take a little time to adjust. alana can help get you up to speed on your new responsibilities. you'll be working more closely with her now.
i see. so, will i get, also, um, will there be more--
compensation?
yes.
no.
oh.
the title is the compensation. it will look great on your resume. now, normally i'd do it myself, but, to get you acquainted with my part of the department, and since it's freezing out, would you be a saint and run across the street to starbucks for me? half-caf gingerbread latte, light whip, no cinnamon.
sure.
you can go ahead and close the door. now. i understand you had an interaction with the, what was it? SARPs? DARPs?
yes, the DARPs. i know. but i can ex--
right. i understand that you made the decision, on your own, to let them go?
well, i didn't really mean--
let me just slice to the crust of the issue. you do not have the authority to dismiss any employee. or, last time i checked, for that matter, to hire any employee, promote any employee, reassign any employee's seating arrangement, or so much as comment on any employee's choice of cubicle decoration.
i know, i really--
now. having said that. those GARPs were not employees. frankly, they never should have been here in the first place. how they stayed as long as they did remains a mystery to me. i don't think i have to explain what a difficult position it would put me in to have to ask them to leave, from a diversity standpoint. even though they weren't technically, well, you know. i suppose it's the way they keep shifting the definitions - maybe they were gay or something. anyway, the whole situation was just complicated. so, what i am trying to say is, thank you.
thank... me?
yes. quite unexpectedly, you showed initiative in tackling a difficult problem and, frankly, cleared away a headache that's been dangling over the department for some time. i discussed this with your supervisor, and we decided that you've earned advancement.
advancement?
yes. from now on, you will be an administrative coordinator. and you'll report to me as well as to your current supervisor.
oh. wow.
i'm sure it will take a little time to adjust. alana can help get you up to speed on your new responsibilities. you'll be working more closely with her now.
i see. so, will i get, also, um, will there be more--
compensation?
yes.
no.
oh.
the title is the compensation. it will look great on your resume. now, normally i'd do it myself, but, to get you acquainted with my part of the department, and since it's freezing out, would you be a saint and run across the street to starbucks for me? half-caf gingerbread latte, light whip, no cinnamon.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
jay, what?
what what?
why are you looking at me like that?
i just never thought you had it in you, with the DARPs.
i know. i was so horrible to those kids. but they really pissed me off.
i guess they must have.
and i feel bad for what i said, but i feel even worse about what they said.
what's that?
that i was just like everyone else here. i feel like i'm from another planet than all these people, but the interns looked at me and saw just another cubicle drone.
that is harsh. but still...
still what?
still, do you think you really needed to hit them? that's kind of serious.
hit them?
well, yeah. you did hit one of them, didn't you?
what? why would i hit an intern? i acted like a pissy twelve year old, but for chrissake, i didn't hit anyone! where did you hear that?
oh. um, that's what some people said.
some people?
uh, yeah.
who?
basically, well, everyone.
and you believed them?
well, you did seem really upset the other day. so, you didn't beat anyone up?
of course not! i'm considering it now, though.
what what?
why are you looking at me like that?
i just never thought you had it in you, with the DARPs.
i know. i was so horrible to those kids. but they really pissed me off.
i guess they must have.
and i feel bad for what i said, but i feel even worse about what they said.
what's that?
that i was just like everyone else here. i feel like i'm from another planet than all these people, but the interns looked at me and saw just another cubicle drone.
that is harsh. but still...
still what?
still, do you think you really needed to hit them? that's kind of serious.
hit them?
well, yeah. you did hit one of them, didn't you?
what? why would i hit an intern? i acted like a pissy twelve year old, but for chrissake, i didn't hit anyone! where did you hear that?
oh. um, that's what some people said.
some people?
uh, yeah.
who?
basically, well, everyone.
and you believed them?
well, you did seem really upset the other day. so, you didn't beat anyone up?
of course not! i'm considering it now, though.
Monday, November 08, 2004
then she said to them, 'this isn't a day care center!' leah, i could not believe it!
i don't know why you're so surprised, alana. i told my boyfriend about her, and he said she totally fits the profile.
profile?
yeah. my boyfriend's a cop, you know. and he said from what i told him that it sounds like she's anti-social, unpredictable, doesn't like to join in with everyone, it totally fits in with what you said.
what did i say?
alana! you remember, before, when you told us all that mg was doing you-know-what in the bathroom?
oh. yeah. well, i wasn't sure it was her, it was joanne who found it and i just guessed--
oh, please. the signs are all clear as day. my boyfriend said she sounds like a total user. and i don't mean weed. i don't consider that a drug, anyway. my boyfriend even brings home the stuff he confiscates sometimes! i mean the hard stuff. did you notice she always wears long sleeves?
i don't think i ever really noticed, but maybe. but why would she have to wear long sleeves if she was snorting--
you are so naive. do you think someone who would do cocaine in the bathroom stalls would stop there? i bet anything she keeps her desk drawers locked and keeps all kinds of stuff in there. it's no wonder she snapped at those DARPs. i just think it's incredibly unfair that they had to suffer like that because of her.
i wonder if i should mention it to nina?
absolutely. alana, i think it would be irresponsible of you not to.
i don't know why you're so surprised, alana. i told my boyfriend about her, and he said she totally fits the profile.
profile?
yeah. my boyfriend's a cop, you know. and he said from what i told him that it sounds like she's anti-social, unpredictable, doesn't like to join in with everyone, it totally fits in with what you said.
what did i say?
alana! you remember, before, when you told us all that mg was doing you-know-what in the bathroom?
oh. yeah. well, i wasn't sure it was her, it was joanne who found it and i just guessed--
oh, please. the signs are all clear as day. my boyfriend said she sounds like a total user. and i don't mean weed. i don't consider that a drug, anyway. my boyfriend even brings home the stuff he confiscates sometimes! i mean the hard stuff. did you notice she always wears long sleeves?
i don't think i ever really noticed, but maybe. but why would she have to wear long sleeves if she was snorting--
you are so naive. do you think someone who would do cocaine in the bathroom stalls would stop there? i bet anything she keeps her desk drawers locked and keeps all kinds of stuff in there. it's no wonder she snapped at those DARPs. i just think it's incredibly unfair that they had to suffer like that because of her.
i wonder if i should mention it to nina?
absolutely. alana, i think it would be irresponsible of you not to.
there she is.
hey! mg!
yes?
hey, um, the login on our computer changed. it's not working.
and actually our phone isn't either. and our IDs didn't scan at the entrance. we had to get visitor's passes.
yes. well.
you knew?
what the-- what's going on?
guys, i think you know that your program here ended a while ago.
yeah, but you said we could stay and use the internet and all.
yeah, this is bul-- this is bad. we can't just get shut off!
you technically have no affiliation with winkyshock at this point. so.
so we're out? but you said we could hang out here as long as--
yeah, you said no one would notice as long as we--
this is a corporation, it's not a day care center. sorry, guys.
i thought you were cool!
you're actually just like the rest of them!
well, at least i care who's in charge of this country.
is this still about the voting thing? at least we're not stuck here for the rest of our lives.
c'mon. let's go to starbucks or something.
hey! mg!
yes?
hey, um, the login on our computer changed. it's not working.
and actually our phone isn't either. and our IDs didn't scan at the entrance. we had to get visitor's passes.
yes. well.
you knew?
what the-- what's going on?
guys, i think you know that your program here ended a while ago.
yeah, but you said we could stay and use the internet and all.
yeah, this is bul-- this is bad. we can't just get shut off!
you technically have no affiliation with winkyshock at this point. so.
so we're out? but you said we could hang out here as long as--
yeah, you said no one would notice as long as we--
this is a corporation, it's not a day care center. sorry, guys.
i thought you were cool!
you're actually just like the rest of them!
well, at least i care who's in charge of this country.
is this still about the voting thing? at least we're not stuck here for the rest of our lives.
c'mon. let's go to starbucks or something.
Friday, November 05, 2004
everyone, everyone! coffee room! time for a friday treat!
what's the occasion, joanne?
oh, leah! i just felt like a little celebration was in order!
oh, i know! me and my boyfriend are still on a total election high.
it's just so wonderful. i just knew he would win, but i have to admit, there was a moment where even i said to myself, i said, what if he doesn't pull through? what if they pull their tricks? but do you know, my little frankles jumped right up on my lap and started purring, and right then i just knew everything was going to be ok. and sure enough, it was!
yeah, i definitely was having one of my moments while we were waiting for all the results to come in. my boyfriend was like, you have to calm down and i was like freaking out. but i was so relieved and he was so happy, he said i could use his credit card to buy a new pair of shoes. not that i wouldn't anyway. but you know. it was sweet of him to say so.
that is sweet. ok, here they are, i thought, what better way to celebrate than homemade cupcakes? i made them with splenda and heavy cream, so they're ok for atkins. oh, mg! come have a cupcake! we're celebrating!
celebrating... what?
oh! oh. um, well. friday. we're celebrating that it's friday.
with eleven red cupcakes, and one blue one? i don't think i'm hungry. but thanks. really.
what's the occasion, joanne?
oh, leah! i just felt like a little celebration was in order!
oh, i know! me and my boyfriend are still on a total election high.
it's just so wonderful. i just knew he would win, but i have to admit, there was a moment where even i said to myself, i said, what if he doesn't pull through? what if they pull their tricks? but do you know, my little frankles jumped right up on my lap and started purring, and right then i just knew everything was going to be ok. and sure enough, it was!
yeah, i definitely was having one of my moments while we were waiting for all the results to come in. my boyfriend was like, you have to calm down and i was like freaking out. but i was so relieved and he was so happy, he said i could use his credit card to buy a new pair of shoes. not that i wouldn't anyway. but you know. it was sweet of him to say so.
that is sweet. ok, here they are, i thought, what better way to celebrate than homemade cupcakes? i made them with splenda and heavy cream, so they're ok for atkins. oh, mg! come have a cupcake! we're celebrating!
celebrating... what?
oh! oh. um, well. friday. we're celebrating that it's friday.
with eleven red cupcakes, and one blue one? i don't think i'm hungry. but thanks. really.
mg, i'm going downstairs to grab a sandwich. wanna come?
yeah, sure. good idea.
do you wanna invite the interns?
are you out of your mind? if i never see those numbtards again it'll be too soon.
what? you've been, practically their best pal all this time.
that was before they stabbed us in the back.
i don't get it. did they steal your post-it notes or something?
i wish. no. they ruined our country.
our kwesi and christopher? you lost me.
kwesi, wearing that twitty 'vote or die' t-shirt under his oversize button-down on tuesday, he didn't manage to vote. you know why? because: no reason. he just 'didn't.' and the other one's, quote, 'not a citizen.' he knew the election was coming! he could have gotten naturalized!
come on, you're not really being fair. honestly, you have to see that their two votes wouldn't have made any difference. especially here.
the only thing i have to see is whether there's a way to declare a t-shirt message legally binding.
yeah, sure. good idea.
do you wanna invite the interns?
are you out of your mind? if i never see those numbtards again it'll be too soon.
what? you've been, practically their best pal all this time.
that was before they stabbed us in the back.
i don't get it. did they steal your post-it notes or something?
i wish. no. they ruined our country.
our kwesi and christopher? you lost me.
kwesi, wearing that twitty 'vote or die' t-shirt under his oversize button-down on tuesday, he didn't manage to vote. you know why? because: no reason. he just 'didn't.' and the other one's, quote, 'not a citizen.' he knew the election was coming! he could have gotten naturalized!
come on, you're not really being fair. honestly, you have to see that their two votes wouldn't have made any difference. especially here.
the only thing i have to see is whether there's a way to declare a t-shirt message legally binding.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
this must have been the first time you guys were old enough to vote, right?
yep.
yeah.
how was it?
i actually didn't vote.
me either.
you what?
well, you know, i'm not actually a citizen.
and i, i was going to.
you were going to?
and then, i didn't.
you... didn't.
yeah. i was going to, though. me and a bunch of my friends were going to go. but then, we just, you know, didn't.
yep.
yeah.
how was it?
i actually didn't vote.
me either.
you what?
well, you know, i'm not actually a citizen.
and i, i was going to.
you were going to?
and then, i didn't.
you... didn't.
yeah. i was going to, though. me and a bunch of my friends were going to go. but then, we just, you know, didn't.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
hey, mg. how you doing?
good.
good?
sure. good.
really?
sure. good. fine. data to enter, copies to copy. copy and staple. so, good.
ok. um, good.
good.
good?
sure. good.
really?
sure. good. fine. data to enter, copies to copy. copy and staple. so, good.
ok. um, good.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
hey, alana, is nina around?
can i help you with something?
alana, i just need to talk to her. is she here?
she's exercising voter privileges.
voter privileges?
yes. she told me executive-level employees should take the full day, to vote. just in case.
executive? she's just a-- anyway. in case what?
you know. in case there's a line. or some kind of turmoil. she said you can't be too careful.
right. did you vote?
yes. nina said i should order an absentee ballot and vote absentee.
absentee? why? you're right here.
well, she wanted to make sure that i was here all day today. somebody has to be in the office and be responsible, you know, mg. imagine if everybody just took an hour and a half to go vote and then came back and took smoking breaks all day.
my poll closes at five! i had to go during the day. and i only took two smoking-- well. if nina isn't too worn out tomorrow from all the voting today, tell her i'd like to talk to her.
can i help you with something?
alana, i just need to talk to her. is she here?
she's exercising voter privileges.
voter privileges?
yes. she told me executive-level employees should take the full day, to vote. just in case.
executive? she's just a-- anyway. in case what?
you know. in case there's a line. or some kind of turmoil. she said you can't be too careful.
right. did you vote?
yes. nina said i should order an absentee ballot and vote absentee.
absentee? why? you're right here.
well, she wanted to make sure that i was here all day today. somebody has to be in the office and be responsible, you know, mg. imagine if everybody just took an hour and a half to go vote and then came back and took smoking breaks all day.
my poll closes at five! i had to go during the day. and i only took two smoking-- well. if nina isn't too worn out tomorrow from all the voting today, tell her i'd like to talk to her.
hey, mg, help me out. heads or tails?
heads or tails what roger?
i just can't decide.
what, which unreadable font to use on your joke email?
oh, no. i already picked that. this week is corsiva. with the flashing background. that's easy.
what, then, pizza or chinese?
no, i know that. it's tuesday, so pizza. guess again!
for chrissakes, i don't know. which video game you and what's-his-name are going to play after lunch?
no! me and flap have been playing the same game for like two weeks now. that doesn't change! you're taking forever. i'll just tell you.
you don't have to. i don't actually really--
i can't decide who to vote for.
you what? that is so irresponsible i can't--
yeah, you're right. that's totally true. i forgot it was more than two guys. i'm gonna go borrow some dice from flap. see ya later! thanks!
heads or tails what roger?
i just can't decide.
what, which unreadable font to use on your joke email?
oh, no. i already picked that. this week is corsiva. with the flashing background. that's easy.
what, then, pizza or chinese?
no, i know that. it's tuesday, so pizza. guess again!
for chrissakes, i don't know. which video game you and what's-his-name are going to play after lunch?
no! me and flap have been playing the same game for like two weeks now. that doesn't change! you're taking forever. i'll just tell you.
you don't have to. i don't actually really--
i can't decide who to vote for.
you what? that is so irresponsible i can't--
yeah, you're right. that's totally true. i forgot it was more than two guys. i'm gonna go borrow some dice from flap. see ya later! thanks!
Monday, November 01, 2004
hey, mg, good halloween?
morning, jay. it was alright. watched freddy on tv, ate some candy corn.
what? no costume?
nah, not this year. i had an idea, but i couldn't pull it off. seemed like too much work for a sunday night, anyway.
yeah? what was it?
i was gonna get a green wig, green mini-dress, green makeup...
hmm, ok, leprechaun slash tinkerbell kind of thing?
close. i was thinking paris hilton.
in green?
you know. from the video.
oh, man! night vision. try explaining that one to the trick or treaters.
right? the stroller brigade already gives me the evil eye just for smoking outside. so anyway, i just put on a cowboy hat and boots and handed out fun-size snickers bars from the front stoop for a little while to the neighborhood kids.
wow, that must have been cute.
the kids? yeah, have to admit, they can be pretty fucking adorable in those little costumes.
oh. yeah. the kids. definitely. the kids. alright, well, talk to you later.
sure. hey, take some snickers. the moms kept asking if they were low carb, and then making the kids give 'em back. i've got tons left.
morning, jay. it was alright. watched freddy on tv, ate some candy corn.
what? no costume?
nah, not this year. i had an idea, but i couldn't pull it off. seemed like too much work for a sunday night, anyway.
yeah? what was it?
i was gonna get a green wig, green mini-dress, green makeup...
hmm, ok, leprechaun slash tinkerbell kind of thing?
close. i was thinking paris hilton.
in green?
you know. from the video.
oh, man! night vision. try explaining that one to the trick or treaters.
right? the stroller brigade already gives me the evil eye just for smoking outside. so anyway, i just put on a cowboy hat and boots and handed out fun-size snickers bars from the front stoop for a little while to the neighborhood kids.
wow, that must have been cute.
the kids? yeah, have to admit, they can be pretty fucking adorable in those little costumes.
oh. yeah. the kids. definitely. the kids. alright, well, talk to you later.
sure. hey, take some snickers. the moms kept asking if they were low carb, and then making the kids give 'em back. i've got tons left.
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